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Wed Aug 9 1:50 pm  #1

Yesterday on my 26th birthday...

My husband of almost 4 years finally admitted to me that he is gay. I've had feelings about it for at least the last 4 years. We've been together for 8 years. We have two kids together. As far as I'd known, he's always been bisexual, even if he didn't want to admit it. He told me he's not sure when it changed, but I'm sure it was within the last 2 years. I'm not mad or upset with him about it. He grew up completely different than I did. He had to hide his feelings, unless it was anger. He was barely ever shown affection as a child. I grew up completely different. My mother hugged and kissed me every chance she had. This was my first instinct that something was different. He never wanted to be touched, kissed, hugged. Usually he'd roll his eyes and give in and kiss/hug me. But lately he would just get very angry about it. 

We'd fight a lot. During fights I'd imagine my life without him by my side. And I didn't want to live my life that way. But now I have to. He's been my only lover, boyfriend, husband. We've been together since I was 17 and he was 15. I don't know what to do.. 


Wed Aug 9 2:14 pm  #2

Re: Yesterday on my 26th birthday...

Hi Jenn, 

Welcome to our group.  I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  It's a shame he wasn't upfront with you about his true self before you got married, but as we see so often here, many men are not willing to admit to themselves that they are gay.  He thought he could keep it a secret and hoped he would be happy. 

So, now that he's admitted that he is gay you guys needs to figure out what this means.  There are some people who are able to stay together in a mixed orientation marriage.  This basically requires both partners to have no sex life, but they stay together for the sake of the kids, for financial reasons or just because one isn't willing to come out publicly.   There are other people who stay married but have an open marriage.  This means that they are allowed to have partners outside of the marriage to satisfy their sexual desires.  Most people realize that neither will be happy long term without sexual fulfillment and trust and wind up getting a divorce. 

You need to decide what you want for your life.  Do you want to continue fighting?  Do you want a sexless marriage?  Can you handle trust issues wondering if he will cheat?  Is it good for your kids to be in a tense home?  

The hardest part for us when we first face the truth is not being able to imagine what the future might look like.  We naturally get paralyzed with fear about being alone, not having money or a place to live..  we just can't picture how life could be happy.   But it can be..  Years later most of us look back and realize we are so much happier.  We find out how amazing a marriage can be with someone who loves us fully and intimately.   We also learn that the younger the kids are, the easier the divorce is..  If you are 26 you likely have young kiddos.. they will do just fine. 

It's a lot to process..   Take care of yourself.  Don't let sleep deprivation or anxiety attacks get the best of you.. seek medical help if they do.   Find a therapist for yourself and a councilor for both of you to help you communicate.    Stick around and pour your heart out and ask questions..  that's what we are here for. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Sat Aug 12 4:50 pm  #3

Re: Yesterday on my 26th birthday...

Hi Jenn,

I'm sorry you find yourself here.  Hopefully the blow wasn't as bad since you already knew he was bisexual and you already had feelings that he might be gay but it's never easy.  It sucks that it happened on your birthday.  But gay or not, you deserve better than someone who rolls his eyes when you try to kiss him.  Regardless of how he was raised, when you love someone I find it hard to believe someone would act that way.  My parents were super old when they had me and never said I love you or gave hugs or anything like that - they thought it was dumb to say I love you, still do.  I am the complete opposite even though I wasn't raised that way.  I think it sounds like he probably forced himself into a marriage because it was the "normal" thing to do. 

Many of the people here come with stories of being the first girlfriend or having been together since they were kids.  To me, that's a huge red flag.  We don't live in a world anymore where people meet as children and stay together for life.  I'm not saying it never happens, but almost every time I've met a couple like that there's been some strange underlying reason that they have stayed together and never went out and explored as they grew up.

I know it's hard to know what to do but once someone admits they are gay, I don't think that leaves much room for any decision other than moving on.  You're still young and the kids are young.  It will suck when you're in the middle of it but you will find another path that's better for you and your kids than this one. 

most of us stayed in our situations because we had thoughts that they might be gay but we could never get an admission.  You're ahead of the game here.  As much as it sucks, you're in a position to make an informed decision.  Keep posting and come back for support.


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