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August 4, 2017 1:04 pm  #1


Am i in Denial too

My husband has always lied to me,and always had an excuse ready,or explosive reaction,i have made excuses for him, warned the kids to stay out of dads way when he's in a mood. 4 years ago he started smoking pot after being clean for 12 years, it helped the anger alot, i found out 2 years later.
Our fights were always the same,no sex no intimacy no trust and how alone i felt,he walked out on us at least once a year for 3-5 days, sex was good, his 1st night back, he's never really made love to me, i thought robotic, i read mechanical on here.
Gay porn has shown up here and there over the years, but i could never say, I know its yours,until 4 months ago,and even then I  let him off the hook,by telling him i understand because he was sexually abused as a child, i now question how much was abuse, one story always bothered me,he got a bj from a male cousin when he was 17 years old, just seems off. He has always been a Survivor, takes what he wants, it's hard to imagine that he could be taken advantage of.
When he was 12,he went to stay with a family who had a gay son a few years older than him,and things happened (im not sure what) then at 15 he chose to go back, he was 2000 miles from home both times,he says it was the money that drew him back,new clothes,plenty of food,things his single mother of 6 couldn't provide.
He's been telling me he stopped watching gay porn,a few weeks ago he was up till 2am and i asked if he was watching porn, his voice sounded the same when he said no, as it did when he said he wasn't gay,(he doesn't know about Google chrome history) so i know he was lying about the porn then.
I have been in denial so long, lied to so much i dont know what is real. How broken am I.

 

August 4, 2017 1:31 pm  #2


Re: Am i in Denial too

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:25 pm)

 

August 4, 2017 1:36 pm  #3


Re: Am i in Denial too

Hi Justwow, 

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  Your story is a familiar one to this exclusive group.  So may gay men try to be heterosexual and marry a wonderful woman.  But they just can't stay happy.  Their falsehood manifests itself in many different ways.  Anger issues and narcissism are very common because they are trying to manipulate their environment.  It seems like gay porn and childhood "abuse" are common reasons used as excuses to make them seem less guilty and awful.  

To the title of your post:    Denial.   
This is so common!  I lived in denial for 15 of my 16 years of marriage.   There is a quote that says, "You will believe what your heart wants to believe."   I didn't want to think that she was a lesbian so I blocked it out and let myself think she was just not a very sexual person.  I didn't want to think she was having an affair, so I believed the terrible lies she told me.. The truth was just too painful, so I chose not to believe it.  That is DENIAL.   We all do this until we finally cannot continue the lie.. we find enough proof that we just can't block out anymore or our spouse decides to leave us for someone else. Then we have to finally face the pain.  

I think you are at this point now..  You have to face the truth.  You can't lie to yourself anymore. 

So how are you going to move forward from here?


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 4, 2017 2:39 pm  #4


Re: Am i in Denial too

I think you need to abandon all thoughts about the gay thing and look at the overall picture.  You've described being unhappy with your intimate life for years.  The sex you do receive is mechanical.  You've described that whenever you have an issue with your husband that you need to confront him about, he's defensive, explosive, or lies.  You've described how when he's in a bad mood, you need to warn the children to stay away from him.  You describe someone who isn't even-keel unless he has a regular drug habit (which he's now had for years).  You've described someone who abandons you and your family yearly for several days at a time.  He's lied about his porn usage. 

It doesn't matter if him being gay is what's fueling all this mayhem and grief.  It matters that it's happening, it's BEEN happening for years, and it continues to happen.  Do you believe all of this is going to stop?  That he's going to become a completely different person and stop lying, making excuses for his poor behavior, and exploding at you for even bringing it up?  If not, then it doesn't matter why he's doing it.  It doesn't even matter if he's incapable of changing, or just unwilling to (or some combination of the two).  If you were to admit that this was never going to change, then what?  Would you walk away?

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 4, 2017 2:40 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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