Hi Vee - welcome.  I'm glad you can find some support here with us.  We do have another member from New Zealand.  Under the name of Ellexoh. 

It does get better.  I know that's hard to even imagine right now, but it will.  For some it happens fast, and for others it may take a while.  But it will happen.  The thing is, you're right, a cheater is a cheater.  Cheating happens all the time and many lives are ripped apart every day by it.  Maybe a local support group for spouses of cheaters would also be beneficial? 

I see you said you wanted to be friends and it's a lot of work.  But why do you want to be his friend?  A friend would never betray you, cheat on you, etc.  Friendship between ex's is something that (if it ever happens) usually happens after a long period of separation and usually after one party (him) does some growing up and the other party (you) has moved on with their life and can make the determination that you want him as a friend just because it's fine and it doesn't bother you either way and not because you're trying to hold on to the past in some way.  Really think about why you want him in your life right now.  I know it seems hard and confusing right now but with distance comes clarity.  I think a clean break is always best and then later you can decide if his friendship is something you even want.  I think you'd be surprised at how much that need for his friendship goes away once you move on. 

As for the man that's controlling him, that's one more reason to separate quickly if you haven't already.  Does this man have control over your husband's spending?  Could he access your bank accounts and you would end up with no money?  Or could he coerce your husband into spending all of your money on him?  Just some things to think about. 

Keep reading and posting.  we're here for you.

Hi Vee,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.  You're in the right place for support and empathy.  And some honest truths, too.

Unless I've got it wrong, your husband has cheated on you, and is letting someone outside the marriage have active input in your marriage.  That's unacceptable.  That's not just a change in your marriage situation.  That's a terrible betrayal to you, and until you can begin to feel some anger over it, you will not be able to process things properly.  It's healthy at this point (although very unpleasant) for you to feel anger, sadness, confusion, betrayed, and a feeling akin to mourning.  It is not healthy (even if it's normal) to feel that you want to support him in his new life, and work out how to be friends.  That may come in time, but it is NOT what you should be concentrating on at this point of your journey.  You jumped over what he has done to you, and went straight to how you can support him.  It is likely your in personality to do such a thing - it is the same for many of us straight spouses.  We are not people who do what our emotions lead us to do - we have a strong sense of dedication to the people in our lives, and to our obligations and promises.  To doing right even when we've been wronged.  Those are good traits.  But we do not have to take every great trait to the nth degree in order to prove that we are a decent person.  Putting his desires before your own needs is not healthy or good for you.  It gives him permission to keep taking what he wants from you - because you have given him the message that he is the more important person in this relationship.  And now he's come to feel entitled to that gift.  To the point where he can betray you and STILL expect it.  That's not right.  And it's not good to keep fostering such defunct behavior just so you can be seen as a good woman or wife.  You would never expect the same to be done for you.

Acceptance is a destination that is only reached after traveling the road that leads there.  And anger, sadness and confusion are definite stops on that road.  If you reach acceptance before hitting those stops, you are not truly there.  It's a mirage.

You're right - life is too short to hate.  But you do not need to hate him in order to be angry and upset at what he did to you.  Hate is an active emotion.  You want to get to the point where eventually, you're not actively feeling anything even remotely that strong toward someone who deceived and betrayed you.  You want to get to a place of apathy - where you can see what was done, but it's not an active flame any longer.  No one is suggesting you hate him.  But you DO need to get angry with him.  Life is too short to waste it on helping people who treat you poorly.

It's okay to get angry, Vee.  It's okay to be upset and feel jilted and betrayed and sad and confused and achey.  It's okay.  You have permission to freak out and behave in the way everyone else would in your situation.  It's okay to not be okay right now.

We're here for you.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (August 1, 2017 12:40 pm)

Hi All

Thanks for your help, we are talking lots about things and working through it, I know it will never be the same.
It does hurt and making new plans are hard to rebuild your life, and very hard because we are good friends, yes he is a cheater but I have known him since school and we have been there for each other.
He has a lot of other issues coming out about his father and family, which I'm afraid I can't help him with.
I feel like he died and will never come back, but he is someone different that keeps coming back.
We don't have kids, I don't hate him for finding himself I hate his actions yes I do hate that.
I'm trying to focus on me and start with little hobbies and be with friends. Just hard when hes run away from it all and just doesn't care any more it very hard.....
The man he is seeing is still married to his wife and he travels back to her every weekend, this is why it was easy for my husband to come out. Very strange.....
The boyfriend does not control his money... I have control over the money we have maybe that has been the problem.
He has honnored looking after me and everything we have built, I guess that is one reason why I have to work with him. Yes agree with you all that distance is good, I will find a new person in my life letting go is very hard.
But I'm getting out there and doing things, gardening and spending time with my friends.
I know that life goes on, it sure does go on.....

Wish I was a harder person.... but my kind nature comes through to everyone around me.

Thank you

Last edited by Vee (August 1, 2017 5:25 pm)

Hi Vee, 

Welcome to the group.  We have quite a few members from all over the world so don't feel out of place because you are from NZ.  Still, sorry you find yourself here. 

You've gotten great advice already, so i will just add my welcome and address one question  you asked. 

You asked if you can ever trust another man in your life.  I think you can and you probably will.  I think when you find a great, honest heterosexual man you will see the difference and you will be very happy.  But that doesn't mean you have to be with another man to be happy.  We all get stuck trying to see our lives in the future and we envision the current life with a few things changed.  The reality is that there will be a ton of changes that we can't even imagine yet.  You might find Mr Perfect or you might be perfectly happy as a strong single woman.  Let these things come in time and try not to stress about them now.  It's hard, I know, but keep an open mind to the future and try not to define what will make you happy yet.  

Vee wrote:

I'm not sure I understand how they don't know themselves...

What is it about these men and woman to make them lie so much? Does this make them less of a person? Do they enjoy the thrill of  it all? Do they mean to hurt the people close to them? Is it really something in society where it is unacceptable??

These are great questions.  Perhaps there is no correct answer, but we can all guess and theorize. 

I think the issue is not "knowing" themselves, but rather "accepting" themselves.  I hear it every time..  Our gay spouse "finds out they are gay" or "realizes" it after being married for 15 years.  I think in most cases this is a cover up for "I can't hide it anymore" or "I can't lie to myself and others anymore" or "I can't deprive myself of what I really want anymore".   The difference is knowledge.  I think *most* of them know they have had a same sex attraction since their early teen years, but they didn't accept it.  They didn't want to be gay.  They didn't want to be different.  10, 20, 30 years ago our society was not accepting of it, so people didn't want to be different or weird or hated.  So they hid it and in most cases tried to convince themselves that they were not gay.  They lied to themselves!  Then they lied to us.  They used us to help them create this false life that they thought they could live.  

I don't think many of our spouses intentionally tried to hurt us.  I think they felt like they could be a "normal" hetero spouse and live a happy life.  They thought they could hide away the gay and keep it under wraps.  They thought they could learn to enjoy heterosexuality.  

But in the end, what they are is selfish.  This is the great sin.  True love is putting the other person before yourself. How could you say you love someone and ask them to commit their life to you when you are not sure you can reciprocate?  How can you keep a secret like this from the person who should be most important in your life.  It's because they cared more about themselves than they did about us.  


I hope this helps you understand it.  You will never fully get it.. but perhaps you can make some progress. 


Here's a very long thread directed by a gay man who was married to a woman.  He did all those terrible things that have happened to us, but was motivated to come here to help us understand the gay in denial man.   It's a very long read, but you might learn a lot from it:
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=263