OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » First Time Here: Need Support

kamz7 · July 30, 2017 11:01 am

Hi, All. I cannot say how much it helps right now to know that there are others having dealt with and dealing with similar issues. My husband and I have been separated for six months.We have been married 15 years and have two children, six and four. Things really went downhill the last two years to the point where he had draft divorce papers drawn up, but none of the problems he talked about regarding reasons he was unhappy with the marriage were him wanting to have sex with men. I proposed a non-legal separation for a year so we could get some space and decide if we wanted to work on this, continue with the separation or divorce. We agreed to a series of commitments during this time period, one of which was that we would not see other people. In the past week, I discovered that he had downloaded two gay dating apps and in the past couple days, I have seen his profiles named things like More to Life, etc. (hurtful), what he is looking for, etc. Not only is he dating, he is dating and sleeping with men. He has not told me any of this. He may plan to do it at our six month separation check in, who knows. Throughout our marriage, there were two other times I wondered, and now here we are. I am so hurt and angry. I feel betrayed and manipulated. Yet behind all that I do have compassion and empathy for whatever has him feeling like he has to hide. I need support. I need advice. We are both in individual counseling and I am getting STD testing.

Last edited by kamz7 (July 30, 2017 11:13 am)

Daryl · July 30, 2017 4:21 pm

Hello kamz, sorry you find yourself here with us but welcome to the fold. Testing and counseling are great starts. I would suggest getting some legal opinions as well so that you can take care of the kids. If you have a copy of the earlier draft, and someone looking out for you thinks it is fair and balanced, you might want to not reveal what you know and possibly make things a bit more ugly. It's understandable that you feel hurt, angry, betrayed and so on. Although it's laudable that you feel some empathy for him, remember to have some for yourself. Do not forget that he has suggested he wants out, he was unhappy, he agreed to not see others but has betrayed that trust. Can you continue marriage knowing all this? Think about what you want, need and deserve. Think about the environment your kids will grow up in. Take care of yourself and please return back to see what others here have to offer. This forum can be a great place to ponder out loud and even to vent.

kamz7 · July 30, 2017 10:56 pm

Thank you. Yes, getting legal help this week. I appreciate the reply.

Rob · July 31, 2017 5:49 am

Kamz7,

Looks like your taking all the right steps. Small steps everyday..always forward.

I've stopped processing why my ex did this, became like this or was always like this..she became just a horrible inhumane person in the end..
In moving on I can surround myself with honest authentic people with no dark secret or covert agenda.
I'm amazed what a better way to live it is...

OutofHisCloset · July 31, 2017 6:34 am

Kamz7-
What an awful place to find yourself in. You are feeling hurt and angry because your husband has manipulated and betrayed you, and continues to do so. Take your hurt to a therapist for you and use your anger to propel you forward to a divorce lawyer who will work to see that your interests and those of your children are protected. Don't allow your empathy for your husband to delay you.
He's been using you as a cover while he experiments and gets up his courage to come out publicly--and that's the best scenario. The worst is that he'll want to have his cake and eat it, too--a hidden gay life and his public married one--and that he will justify this on the grounds that you don't want a divorce. You have already decided that you don't want to live your life in a sham marriage functioning as his beard, and that you had the strength to propose a separation tells me that you will have the courage to go forward with divorcing a man who has shown that he is not interested in keeping his word to you. And yes, it's all going to hurt and hurt like hell, and there's no way to avoid that, but there's no way of avoiding hurt here: you're going to hurt inside the marriage, because of his actions, and if you stay in the marriage that hurt will be ongoing; you're also going to hurt when you end the marriage, but that hurt will be finite, and in the end you will be able to build a new life for yourself and your children, free of his betrayals and manipulations.

Still Wondering · July 31, 2017 9:26 am

Hi Kamz,

Welcome. I'm so sorry you're here but I'm glad we can help you through this. It's nice that you feel empathy, but remember, it's not like he came to you and said: I'm confused, I'm hurting, I'm having these feelings and I don't know what to do. No - he's out there signed up on websites engaging in extremely risky behavior. And, maybe he's planning on telling you all this at your 6 month check in. Give him the opportunity. But if he doesn't, just know that he never would have told you. Hundreds (actually thousands over the years) of people here can vouch for that. You'll notice that for every person who responded there are about 20 more views of your message. So for every one of us that's willing to post an answer, there are many many more who are suffering this same pain and not ready to participate yet. There are lots of us who are or were searching for the same answers. I can't tell you how many wasted years I spent looking for proof and finding tidbits here and there. It's noting but a maze of endless rabbit holes. Although it's painful now, having this proof right in your face is the best thing that could have happened. So my advice to you is to get ready and move on. There is no need to wait a full year of separation before filing.

If he's like 95% of the spouses on this site he will try to talk you out of it. Many of them want to keep up a false life, keep their kids and family, and hook up on the side. For every piece of evidence you present him he will find a really great excuse as to why he was signed up on the website and sometimes in all of their talking and spin, it starts to almost make sense. You start to question: did I really see that website? Maybe I just thought I did, no that can be right. Take pics of the screen with your phone. You'll need it to convince yourself later that it isn't a dream.

Come back often for support. You'll be ok

phoenix · July 31, 2017 9:33 am

Welcome Kamz7,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good company. We have all endured a similar experience so we can relate to the emotions and pain you are going through.

You do need support! Do you have close friends and family that you can confide in? You don't owe him secrecy to your own detriment. You don't have to stay in his closet and endure more pain because you think you have to keep the secret. Find a support network close to you.. this is your rainy day.. call in those favors and ask for help and hugs and encouragement.

Now that you know he's gay, how do you want to proceed with your life? Is there any point in waiting until the end of your unofficial separation? Understand that divorce becomes a business transaction and the more prepared you are the better (and likewise, if he is unprepared that can be your advantage).

Just know that there is life beyond this. It's a tough period in life, but it's the end of one sentence and it allows you start a new paragraph in your life.

Let us know what we can do to help or what advice we can offer. We can help you through the emotional aspecst of having a gay spouse, getting over the lies and deceit and cheating. We can help advise you on the seperation and the divorce process and then how to move forward with your new life.

If nothing else.. just use this as a journal or blog.. writing our your emotions and sharing them with people who understand is great therapy.

kamz7 · July 31, 2017 8:40 pm

Oh my goodness, what a gift to see all of this on my screen. I literally can't stop crying, but it's nice for them to be because I'm grateful this time. I need to keep hearing there is a way through; that I'm not in some eternal purgatory. Lawyer consults can't happen fast enough bc I need to know when I can talk to him about this. His window to address it with me is not open very wide and I find myself almost doing things that I would not be proud of-writing nasty things in the memo line when I give him a check, engaging with him on one of those apps, responding sarcastically when he tells me he that something I do is not ok (i.e. Not being able to pay a full amount on something bc I agreed to it in our separation)
I am choosing to let people in. I'm looking forward to having an appetite again and being able to sleep. Do you place the deeper questions aside in the beginning-was the whole thing a lie, how can I still be in love with this person, etc.....
I would have been the wife who would have sat with him while he told his judgmental parents. How did you handle lies being told about you and just in general to people you care about, like in-laws? Thankful, and still crying....

phoenix · July 31, 2017 9:45 pm

If you continue to have trouble eating and sleeping or have panic attacks, please talk to your doctor about getting some medicine. I needed them and they made a big difference for me. They helped dull the pain and helped me get enough sleep to be functional the next day.

Those deeper questions are completely natural and you can chose to think about them or not think about them based on what your priorities are on any given day. Understand that it could take years to come to a conclusion about things and your opinion will change and you move through this. I was definitely still in love despite my now-ex cheating on me and lying to me and doing awful hurtful things. I couldn't help myself.. I loved very deeply and that isn't a feeling you can just turn on and off. It takes time. DO NOT beat yourself up about these emotions. Feel what you feel and don't question yourself.

I lost my in-laws in the process and that was very hard. I have no idea what lies she invented about me, but they shut me out completely, which was hurtful.. at first. Later, when you realize they will not be part of your life the loss somehow doesn't feel so bad. It just takes time. Remember that the truth will come out someday (most likely) and those who genuinely cared about you will get back in touch with you. If they don't.. then who cares about them.

Just allow yourself time. It's natural to have these thoughts, fears, emotions and tears.. allow them and don't beat yourself up because you can't answer them.

Rob · August 1, 2017 3:19 pm

Kam,

I miss my in-laws. I have no issue with them..they are just more people hurt in my ex's sick destruction.
I deliberately talk to them whenever I can ..they will speak to me....I will not keep their grand kids from them.   I think its as awkward for them as it is for me.

It is is purgatory in a way to get through this.. It was hell on earth for me.    It is a valley.   But we are not citizens of the (gay) valley. We are not meant to build our home in this valley. We need to go through the valley. It is a season... it is for an unknown length of time but there is an end...unseen but an end.     And if you don't believe that know that once a divorce is filed the courts want it to end..they will force it to end be it an out of court settlement or a trial...the lawyers can prolong it but it cannot last forever.   It takes fortitude, resolve, gumption and a busload of faith.

I look back and would not wish it on my worst enemy. But I'm also eternally grateful to be away from someone capable of hurting me so much.

Last edited by Rob (August 1, 2017 3:20 pm)

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July 30, 2017 11:01 am #1

First Time Here: Need Support

July 30, 2017 4:21 pm #2

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July 30, 2017 10:56 pm #3

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July 31, 2017 5:49 am #4

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July 31, 2017 6:34 am #5

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July 31, 2017 9:26 am #6

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July 31, 2017 8:40 pm #8

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