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July 23, 2017 2:06 am  #1


Feeling Drained

A couple months ago my wife was struggling with feelings of being gay, she is still uncertain of her feelings. We were separated for a while but we decided to try and work on making our relationship work. She seemed very optimistic about it and really wanted to use this past month to focus on us. However this really hasn't happened. I feel as though this past month has been filled with empty plans leading to her abandoning me for her friends or her just not wanting to do anything, often last minute leaving me feeling isolated. Getting her to spend time with me has felt like pulling teeth. I feel as though I have been putting so much in to try to make this work and am getting nothing in return. This has lead to me feeling drained and burnt out. I have wanted nothing more than to make this work, but I don't know how long I can go on trying this hard. We used to be so happy together, I feel as though I am just clutching on to those memories hoping they return one day. 

 

July 23, 2017 8:48 pm  #2


Re: Feeling Drained

I understand how you feel. My wife says she wants to work on us, but just today made plans to go have dinner with a new friend. She has admitted that she has a crush on this new friend, but says she's straight, so it's okay for her to go. We just moved and she's been so lonely, so I'm supporting her in making new friends. It's just difficult standing by and watching my marriage end.
Can you talk openly to her about your frustrations?

 

July 23, 2017 9:18 pm  #3


Re: Feeling Drained

you are feeling drained because you are being drained.

you are looking after her but who is looking after you?

this is actually a serious situation and I feel for you, but if you want to have a better time in your marriage then just go about making some plans to go out with other women and see if that doesn't make them more attentive. 

 

 

July 24, 2017 6:46 am  #4


Re: Feeling Drained

The just friends concept/excuse is a classic hurtful tactic... TGT is an evil thing... you forever wonder what "friends" they are just doing legitimate stuff with and which ones they are having sex with.    One thing I learned is I was no longer even a "friend".

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 24, 2017 11:21 am  #5


Re: Feeling Drained

Hi erik, 

Sorry you find yourself here.  This is a place none of us wanted to be.  But, this forum is a lifeline to many and we hope we can help you through this hard time in your life. 

So your wife expressed some confusion about her sexuality and you agreed to give her some time to figure things out..  and rather than spending time with you to work through things and communicate, she has chosen to spend time with her friends instead?   

Nothing is every 100% true, but I'll tell you what conclusions most of us have come to know.  First, a same-sex attraction is something that a person can't control.  It typically manifests in the early teen years and only strengthens over time.  Many with a same-sex attraction will try to bury it and hide it and not ever come out as gay.  They think they can marry someone of the opposite sex and try to develop a sexual attraction.  I think they do develop a real love for us, but it's not a complete full-in love like we have for them.  
What I mean to say is that I doubt that your wife just started having these feelings a few months ago.  I suspect she has always had them.  What she is struggling with is whether or not she wants to pursue those feelings or try to continue in her marriage and deny her sexuality.   Her focus on her friends and not you is likely a sign of what she will chose.  Women seem to have a much easier time coming out than men do.  They typically do at least tell us the truth about their sexuality and they typically make the choice to leave us male str8 spouses.  (Sadly it seems that many GID men are never fully honest with their wives and leave them suffering with the questions of what really happened.  Many choose to stay with their wives to keep their own secrets as long as they can.  Many cheat on their wives multiple times in the process). 

I hope for your sake your wife is not cheating on you.   Mine did, and that was much more painful for me than anything else in this process. 

I'm sure I'm not giving you the message you are hoping to hear.  You probably came here hoping that we can give you advice about how to win her back and keep her and your family and marriage together.  I wish I could help you with that, but I've yet to see anyone on this board have success in this.  A few try a mixed marriage or open marriage where they allow their spouse to have a partner on the side.  But that takes a special person to be able to remain happy and fulfilled in an open marriage. 

We are here to support you erik.  Please keep coming and sharing.. it's great therapy.  Let us know what we can do to help. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

July 24, 2017 2:24 pm  #6


Re: Feeling Drained

jcan,

Would she be okay if you went out with a woman you admittadly had a crush on?  Why would you ever even admit such a thing?  I'm all for honesty, and I think that if we are feeling confusing things regarding same-sex attraction we absolutely need to tell our partners.  However, I've never been one for thinking that it's somehow healthy to admit that we have a crush on a certain person - even if it's a celebrity and we have zero chance of it ever working out with them.  I can't see that it has any benefits whatsoever to our marriage to admit such a thing to the person who wants to think of us as only having eyes for them.

If she has a crush on this woman, it is unreasonable of her to think that it should be find if she hangs around her.  Even if the other woman IS "straight".  And personally, I'd have no reason to believe that, either.  I mean, your wife is telling you that she wants to work on your relationship, and that doesn't appear to be the truth.  Why should anything else be?

Sorry if I sound cynical - I am, after all I've read here.

Are you two in counseling?  What is she doing that DOES show a serious effort in working on the two of you?  Is she willing to go on dates with you?  If not, then she's either unwilling or incapable of fixing the things that she's doing.  Either way, it's a  losing situation.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

July 26, 2017 10:04 pm  #7


Re: Feeling Drained

Hi Kel. My wife and I are in couples therapy right now. She is very open to going out on dates, but sometimes our 2-year old princess makes that difficult. Everything in our relationship is perfect except for the sex. She used to be into it, but has grown more and more resistant over the past 3 years. Though she just discovered these feelings 6 months ago, it would explain her hesitance to be intimate. It isn't like she doesn't enjoy it once we get started. She almost always gets "satisfied".
In our last therapy session, the therapist recommended that we either dedicate focusing on us, or we do a trial separation. If we separate, my only hope is that she will realize she made a mistake and come back. It is typical for her to get an idea in her head and obsess over it until she gets what she wants and then often realizes she wants something else. If she is bisexual, I am hoping we can make it work. If she is fully lesbian, I know there is no possibility of it working.

She is actually out at dinner with this "friend" now. I was dreading it all day, but now that she is gone, i'm feeling surprisingly okay. Probably because there is nothing I can do about it.

Any advice? Should I encourage her, or just try to hold on?

 

July 27, 2017 10:31 am  #8


Re: Feeling Drained

Hi jcan,

Personally, I'd never let my spouse go out alone with someone they have an admitted crush on.  She should never have ASKED, but of course she did.  Because then it puts YOU in the hot seat - where you need to be the one to decide if she should be trusted.  And if you tell her that no - she doesn't have your permission to go, then you will be accused of not trusting her, or being controlling, or of being paranoid.  However, giving her permission is condoning it - giving her your blessing to go out alone with someone she has a crush on.  You can't win in this scenario!  She should have never put you in that position.  She should have checked her crush at the door and be doing things to actively protect her marriage from any danger.  And going out alone with your crush is certainly dangerous.  It can lead to bad places.

The flip side of this argument is that you really can't ever control another person - and not letting her out of the house will not prevent her from having such feelings.  It does come down to her actively deciding that she's all-in with regards to her own marriage, and it's up to her to do the work necessary to make a good relationship on her end.  Most mentally healthy people will only really get enjoyment out of a relationship if the other person is freely, willingly giving their love and dedication within the relationship.  Nothing shy of that will be good enough.  So part of being in the relationship is not locking someone down so much that they have no choice.  It's all about them doing so willingly.  But that doesn't mean that you should ever have been put into this spot.  Personally, I'd consider my spouse wanting to go out alone with their crush as having crossed the line when it comes to their willing dedication to the marriage.

Did you ask her about the dinner last night after she came home?  What was her feedback?

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

July 27, 2017 1:50 pm  #9


Re: Feeling Drained

I have been thinking about what it took for me to leave my marriage.  I stayed to the point that i was completely drained, he'd used up all my love.  I knew he was gay in denial and I knew he was not looking out for me and still I stayed.  I knew my health was being jeopardised and still I stayed.  

It is tempting to think that I did so because I lacked the guts to make the break and I certainly felt weak and scared but it isn't the case.  I stayed because that's my nature - like so many of us, loyal and true.  I didn't understand the concept of divorce.  

Eventually I had thought about it long enough to recognise that whether he wanted to do it or not, he would be better off divorced.  it wasn't emotionally healthy for him any more than it was for me.

I had to be the grown up in the situation and he wasn't going to help me do it let alone stand alongside.  But I wasn't knocked off balance by that because I knew he would benefit as well as myself.

 

July 27, 2017 7:15 pm  #10


Re: Feeling Drained

lily wrote:

I have been thinking about what it took for me to leave my marriage. .

 

This is my quandary.....dilemma....rock/hard place   
I'm content to hold on to the status quo til I reach 'the point'......
of an unwavering decision
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

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