Kel,
   Your "update request" came at the perfect time for me, first because I've been without internet access for about ten days and just got it back today, and second because my time out alone--I wrote about this "time out" back in June--is coming to a close, and I will be leaving for home next week.
  I've spent the last six weeks away from home and on my own.  I had hoped to use this time to try out what life will be like when I am divorced, to rediscover what my life is like, and who I am, when I'm not obsessing over my husband's cross dressing and desire to feminize himself.  What I discovered was that my hopes were too optimistic, that I wasn't yet able to stop thinking or processing.  However, it was incredibly freeing to be away from the daily stress of living with my husband and his hidden wardrobe of women's clothes, which I've come to think of my own version of Poe's "tell-tale heart."  I don't think I'd fully understood just how stressful life at home with him, in his closet, had become.  Because I was alone, the thinking and processing I did do have been productive and clarifying, and I am more ready and able to face what I have to face and to take the next necessary next step, which for me will be to see a lawyer, which I expect to do in the next month (there is more travel to do this summer, to see my family, and I have only a week's window between when I return home and leave again, so depending on scheduling, this may not happen until later in August).
   I realize this is a pretty bloodless summary, and therefore unsatisfying; there is much to be said in details, but that's going to have to come out in the next few days.
  
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 19, 2017 12:47 pm)

OOHC - we've missed you!  I don't think it's a "bloodless summary" at ALL. 

I'm glad you had the time away.  It's interesting how it's helped you to separate out the stress of your husband's sexuality apart from the stress of living with him daily, though.  I think it's very useful.  I STILL deal with my ex's sexuality in that it broke up our marriage, and I still have some fallout to this day with regards to that (more on that below).  However, it's NOTHING like the stress that living with him every day was like for years.  At this point in the game (re-married for four years as of tomorrow), my mind literally never travels to my ex with regards to our relationship and how that betrayal felt.  Those are all fading scars now.  It literally never hurts me actively any longer.  Living with him would still be hurting me every day if I were still doing so.  And so would the sexuality - because it'd be an active part of what continued to hurt me about him not wanting me.  I've been over that hurdle for a loooong time now.

My issues stem around my ex's current partner, and how his desires with regards to my kids' visitation is taking over what my ex is doing.  For a good year or more now, things have been ramping up in this area.  I wasn't sure why - I tend to think of incidents in life as being individual events, and I can forgive them and move on.  (It's part of why I stayed so long).  But when I stand back and look at the big picture, my ex has been increasingly uninvolved with the kids in any way except for his weekend visitation.  He came to my daughter's grade school graduation, but other than that, he doesn't go to anything else - nothing school-related, etc.  He USED to.  My kids are now 14 and 16 (with my oldest having aged out of visitation).  This is a man who threatened to try to get primary custody from me, and now it seems immaterial to him if he sees them or not.  They seem to crimp his plans with his bf, and are therefore just tolerated.

My kids used to go with their dad every-other weekend.  Now my 16 year-old has a new job (at a grocery store), and works mostly weekends.  So he doesn't want to go to his dad's - Dad lives 40 minutes away.  My daughter is "over" her father, as she says.  She hasn't seen him in at least a month - by her own choice.  She would have gone this weekend if her brother would have, but she "doesn't feel comfortable going alone".  I've tried to drill down into that a bit more - WHY do you not feel comfortable?  Because that needs to be addressed.  She is either unwilling to share, or unable to process exactly why she feels that way.  Regardless, it means her staying home.  My current husband and I used to have every-other-weekend together just for us.  We miss that - he more than me.  Every time the kids decide not to go to their dad's, or my ex decides that he can't have them on a visitation weekend, my current husband looks like I gut-punched him.  I both understand and resent him for feeling this way.  I was the mother of 3 kids when you met me, and I still am.  I was not single and childless.  It's a package deal, buddy.  And yet, as I said, I do get it.  He married me (despite all my baggage) because he wanted to be with ME.  Not because he was dying to never have a break from kids.  Lol.  So I get it.  And yet.... get OVER it already.  The kids are both in H.S.  It's not like we can't go out without them.  But,... we typically don't.

If my ex had more of a set of balls, he could insist that his bf not run the relationship, AND the one between him and his own kids.  But he won't.  He is constantly underemployed, so he's dependent on his bf for survival.  So he'll do what it takes to stay with him.  He HAS a culinary degree, but claims it's "too stressful" of a job, so he continues to be a waiter at a Mexican restaurant close to where he lives.  If he would just try harder on the job front, he'd have more choices in other areas of his life.  But he won't - he never has, and he's not going to start now in his mid-40's.  The real losers in this scenario is the kids.  Well, they would be if they cared that they've somewhat lost that relationship.  As it is, they don't seem affected by it.  It's amazing how you really need to say very little to the kids, and they will eventually see the true colors of both their parents.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (July 19, 2017 2:31 pm)

Foolme,


So sorry it ended that way for you. Still congratulations..I will drink a glass of wine in toast to you.
For my divorce at the courthouse my lawyer went into the settlement meeting with my ex and her lawyer.  He shielded me from the tirade..coming out and asking me to agree or disagree with her demands.  My lawyer was worth every penny in his shielding me from her wrath...when my lawyer came out he said boy she's a raging maniac.  I knew it was not me.

Mid summer..
I'm 1 year divorced and finally stopped shaking...of course all it takes is some rage texts from her and I can get anxiety and tightness in the chest.  I try to say the mantra. .she can't hurt you anymore..your safe..   
I'm doing so much better. .getting used to my routines..my family has been great and I reconnected with friends I have not talked to (was not allowed) in years.
No great plans for the summer but I'm finding things to do.  I've learned that a mental health day every now and then is good.

Last edited by Rob (July 20, 2017 6:00 am)

Foolme,

Just because he acted like he disagreed with your advice doesn't mean he won't take it heart at least somewhat.  He can't say no one told him that his communications with his kids are damaging.  He is acting defensive about his behavior because he either has no intention of changing his behavior in that area, or he feels that he cannot.  Okay - whatever.  You told him, he rejected the good advice.  He's an idiot.  We already knew this, right?  No big surprises there.

Personally, I would have loved that interaction - I'd have felt that I just walked out of divorce court - legally ending the relationship - and ONE SENTENCE from you can still unravel him.  Despite how he's acted, you can still get under his skin.  I consider that really good information for the future.  (insert evil, maniacal grin here)

Kel

Because your children are adults, he should expect SOME reciprocation from them in wanting the relationship - IF they want one.  But kids don't end childhood one day and just jump to being mature adults.  It's a process.  If he's expecting them to act to him like his friends his age do, then he'll always be sorely disappointed.  My current dh has a bit of this problem with his young adult daughter (21).  He'll text her, she won't reply, and then he doesn't bother to reach out again, and then she's hurt when she's left out of some event.  It's BOTH their faults.  But he needs to stop thinking his 21 year-old daughter isn't going to act like the kid she is growing from.  Baby steps here, dude!

You can't fix it.  And you can't fix how his family sees you.  If they're willing to believe that your bitterness is what is the problem (when they've never seen a shred of such bitterness), then hey - they can go ahead and keep believing that shit.  It's difficult to not feel hurt that people see us different people than we actually are.  But if you need to fight to show someone who you are, then they really don't deserve you.  You aren't doing what they're accusing you of.  You can't make them believe that.  What they think of you is not your problem.  But don't do the "pick me" dance with your ex's family.  You don't need the stress.  Good riddance if they can't see who you really are and believe you'd never commit such atrocious acts.

Kel