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Sun Jul 16 7:29 pm  #1


Confused after catching ex cheating

I'm a 25 y/o woman was dating an amazing man, 30 y/o for the last year and a few weeks ago I found a text from him to another man asking if he was down for a quickie. My stomach dropped and I immediately asked him if he was sleeping with men and he came clean telling me everything, that he believes he is bi and it initially began 3 years ago. He says he started cheating 4 months into our relationship and that there has been 5 men from Craigslist. I saw the text and know it was purely sex no feelings attached. I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions since that day. I just graduated college and landed a great job so I know I'm holding myself together as best as I can. No matter how good I feel though I can't stop thinking about it/ about him. We broke up that day and he went home to tell his family and roommates the truth. We met up to talk and agreed this was for the best but the hardest part is how great our relationship was. I'm not exaggerating when I say that in my eyes it was everything I could have ever wanted, minus being cheated and betrayed the whole time unknowingly. We loved each other, we traveled, close to each others friends and families, we supported each other and rooted one another on in work and in school, and tried new things together every weekend. Our sex life was also out of this world. I know I can't be with someone who lied and deceived me but part of me worries because I don't want to fully let go. We talked about getting married and having a family and when I asked him about this after I found out the truth, he said he wanted that too and knew something would have to change when it got to that point but he had not planned on telling me. I'm afraid of letting him go, I'm afraid of losing trust/ faith in future relationships and I just feel lost, angry and beyrayed. Please help.

Last edited by strongNDconfused (Sun Jul 16 7:40 pm)

 

Sun Jul 16 7:57 pm  #2


Re: Confused after catching ex cheating

Hi Strong,

Welcome.  I'm sorry you're here but glad you found us.  You'll find a wealth of knowledge on this site and lots of people who have been through what you're going through. 

There's some good news to this story.  You're young, you're not tied to this person financially, you're not tied to him with children.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  I know you think he was perfect (other than the obvious).  But deep down you know he's not.  Every time you even consider going back to him or how much you love him...think about the cheating.  It's worse than regular cheating (if there is such a thing) because his extra curricular activities come with a much higher exposure to STDs.  I was married for 10 years.  I had zero proof of cheating and yet here I am....with a life long STD. 

Don't even consider giving this guy the time of day anymore.  It doesn't matter how close you thought you were.  He put you in serious danger.  Never forget that. This is an extremely selfish person.  What if you hadn't found out?  He would have kept going until a) you wasted your entire life on him or b) you got an STD and figured it out. 

Time and distance will be your best friends here.  You will start to trust again.  Focus on your new job and put all of your energy in to that.  Don't turn to him when you're sad or missing him.  Come here to vent or to a friend.  This too shall pass.  I promise.
 

 

Sun Jul 16 10:02 pm  #3


Re: Confused after catching ex cheating

welcome to the club. 

No matter how long you've been with someone, it's very painful to be betrayed and have them cheat on someone.  We understand that pain.  We also understand the confusion that comes with same sex attraction.  Letting go of someone you are in love with is so hard.  I'm so sorry!

Stick around and share your feelings, it can help a great deal.  

I will give you just one piece of advice in this first message and I will never waiver on this.   WALK AWAY and don't look back.  Do not allow your feelings and wishes to get the best of you.  No matter how much you love him and how perfect he seemed, he is a liar and a cheat and there is no happiness in the future with him.  The quicker you tear off the bandage and never see or talk to him again, the faster you will heal and move on to a better life.  Trust me and every member of this forum on this point..   turn your back and walk away (or run like your hair is on fire) and do not contact him any more.  

All our best.. we are here for you!
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

"Horribly, the only way through it..... is through it."
-CajunBelle
 

Mon Jul 17 12:01 am  #4


Re: Confused after catching ex cheating

Hi strong, take another look at parts of what you wrote....

"He says he started cheating 4 months into our relationship and that there has been 5 men from Craigslist."
- so for 8 months he has been cheating with strangers and risking your health.

"I saw the text and know it was purely sex no feelings attached."
 - What difference does that make? Would you say the same thing if it were with women?

"in my eyes it was everything I could have ever wanted, minus being cheated and betrayed the whole time unknowingly."
- It's understandable you didn't know, but this is not a great foundation to build a relationship upon.

"We loved each other"
- If you loved someone would you cheat?

"We talked about getting married and having a family and when I asked him about this after I found out the truth, he said he wanted that too and knew something would have to change when it got to that point but he had not planned on telling me."
- so he is claiming that if you starting having children "something" would change. Assuming he meant he would stop cheating with men, why is it that only when a child comes along is he ready to be monogamous? Notice he planned never to reveal this to you?

"I'm afraid of letting him go, I'm afraid of losing trust/ faith in future relationships and I just feel lost, angry and beyrayed."
- all understandable emotions but knowing the truth, can you ever fully trust him? In a way you are grieving for the life you thought was ahead. Now that you know the truth you can build yourself a better one. You said that "I know I can't be with someone who lied and deceived me". Start with that and get excited over your new job. Great things are ahead. You can do this. Even the name you picked suggests this, you just have to get to where "NDconfused" no longer applies.
 

Last edited by Daryl (Mon Jul 17 12:03 am)

 

Mon Jul 17 6:13 am  #5


Re: Confused after catching ex cheating

Strongnd,

Yes we certainly understand the hurt of the deception and confusion around the gay thing.

Our advice here is run like your hair is on fire.  You know deep in your bones you cannot build a life with someone without absolute trust...you will go crazy always mistrusting him...ie. if he has beer with a friend is it two buddies getting together or a date...why should you have to wonder.

Grieve but know that there are better people and there is a better future without the awful gay thing.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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