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Fri Jul 14 8:44 pm  #1

My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF?

So my husband, about a year ago, told me he was bi.  Told me he has watched gay porn in past and his father caught him looking at porn.  I confronted his dad who confirmed that this was a "phase" in his son's life. Anyhoo--my ex's confession came after over a year of no sexual intimacy--he could never get erect. We were trying to conceive and it was just so painful emotionally and embarrassing because it just took SO MUCH effort and nothing ever happened.  He then started staying out late.  Going to God knows where. I know he spent a lot of time at karaoke bars drinking and singing.  He Wouldn't answer my texts when out because "what he did was none of my business." Started sleeping on couch.  Desperate I went to see a psychiatrist who suggested he might be gay.  She said "feeling there is an affair without concrete signs of an affair coupled with lack of intimacy etc."  were red flags. He also became obsessed with his weight, clothing, and started going on Pinterest every morning to pick out his attire.  Long story short, I confronted him while he slept on the couch one early morning and he said he was "bi". I immediatley filed for divorce. But NOW I think he is dating a woman?!? I am confused and hurt.  A few of my friends when I confided in them about his sexuality questioned if he was lying.  My therapist said "No straight man will ever use that as an excuse to get out of a marriage."  So why is he seeing a woman.  Is he looking for another beard.  Just confused?  After he moved out he clarified and told me he was not Bi but had just had SSA--like that makes a difference?  or does it?  Any insight would be SOOO appreciated!


Fri Jul 14 9:21 pm  #2

Re: My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF?

Hello disbelief -  My former spouse went out with a woman and used that as part of the excuse for the divorce (that he initiated).  He was also seeing a man, and moved in with him at the time he told me he wanted the divorce.  His story was that I was terrible, critical, cold, blah, blah, blah, and that he was "driven" to this other woman because of my awfulness, when really, she was just a decoy for his REAL affair with the other man.  (My husband and this woman really did have a casual affair - one that she confessed to her husband, but again, on my former spouses  part, it was all just cover - another beard like you say, for his actual homosexual affair.

Very sorry that you are in the situation you describe.  There are no easy answers.  My take is that your husband is gay, pure and simple, and that he is just feeding you a bunch of baloney for his own purposes.

Last edited by Lake Breeze (Fri Jul 14 10:20 pm)

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

Fri Jul 14 9:29 pm  #3

Re: My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF?

Disbelief - a short addition to the above:

I also think some of these guys have girlfriends so they can tell themselves they're not "REALLY" gay; leaving the door open to such things as "bi", but I think they are only fooling themselves, and continuing to look for cover and "plausible excuses".

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

Thu Jul 20 6:22 am  #4

Re: My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF?


I guess what struck me the most about my ex when she was cheating on me besides tgt was the sense of entitlment...she was allowed to cheat with a girl, guy, alien..

I was not supposed to cheat..but for her it was ok?  Moral?  I racked my brain trying to think of what I did that was so horrible to warrant her cheating being ok..
It was not ok.. I was not a horrible person..she would try to say I was but it was not reality. was some sick warped version of reality.

We cannot control them or their sick we can do is get away.  Whether anyone knows the truth or not..we need to get away.
Wish them well...take solace in his being someone else's problem now.  One could almost feel sorry for who ever they are in a relationship with..almost.  I wish them well and will get on with my life.. my ex and her demons are not my problem anymore...and for that I am eternally grateful.

Last edited by Rob (Thu Jul 20 6:22 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Thu Jul 20 9:31 am  #5

Re: My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF?

Well of COURSE he has a girlfriend - he's already had a WIFE.  Whatever drove him to have a wife in the first place when he isn't physically excited by women is what drove him to have a girlfriend this time, too.  And heck - a girlfriend you can live apart from and do what you want on your own time.  You get to hang with her when you need a woman's understanding, and you can take her out and about when you feel like being traditional.  But then you can do whatever floats your boat sexually with men, and you still feel "straight".  Of COURSE he has a girlfriend!

All that being said, he lied to you for years about the core of who he is and how he felt about you.  What's to make you believe ANYthing he says now?  He could be making her up just to spite you.  Or turning a friend into a girlfriend when it comes to others.  And of course he's telling you that she accepts him as being bi - because that makes YOU look bad for not doing the same.  He's going to try to make YOU look like the person with the problem here, rather than him.

None of it this matters now.  You were living in a sexless relationship.  Who cares what he moves onto after you?  Unless you're excited about having your old life back, there's no reason to envy the other woman, or him (for having moved on).  He can go be with monkeys now for all you care.  You decided you were better off without that kind of drama and emotional upheaval in your life.  And rightfully so.  When these feelings came up for me, I always had to tell myself, "What do Iiiiii care what he's doing?  I didn't WANT him anymore!  Good riddance!

And your psychologist was right - no man will use the "I'm gay" card to get out of a marriage.  They don't need to.  They could just simply say, "You're not making me happy anymore.  Goodbye."  There is no reason to make up something so potentially damaging to them.  If there's anything a straight man would NEVER want to be accused of, it's being gay.  Gives them the heebie jeebies.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Fri Jul 21 10:07 am  #6

Re: My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF?

Hi Disbelief,

Yup I've got the tshirt on this one.  My GIDX is now with a woman.  Now he says he just is not into men and never really was, just wanted his cock sucked in toilets or something equally gross.  Just naughty behaviour by a grown man with a wife and three children.  Something his new life partner understands.

  So it is hurtful, so painful to be treated badly and then this person you loved starts to repeat the behaviour with someone new.  But I guess I/we have to believe that it is just a repeat of bad behaviour and nothing to do with rejecting me/us.  Though it is tough.  As this is so damaging on so many levels to our self-esteem.  Heartbreak and rejection is never easy, but this deceitful and confusing in a way that is very hard to understand especially as society has sympathy for the whole coming out issue, while the collateral damage done to those in the firing line on the way out get little notice. 

Narcissistic behaviour writ large.


Fri Jul 21 10:08 am  #7

Re: My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF?

Big AMEN to what Kel wrote!!!  Which I saw after I posted....  OF course of course they do....


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