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Thu Jul 13 8:37 pm  #1


Newbie here

I'm brand-new here as I just found out that my husband has been in a bisexual relationship on Monday.  My doctor suggested this website to me and I've been sobbing as I've been reading through everything and seeing everyone else's experiences and finding that they are so similar to what I'm feeling right now.
So here's my story.  We've been married for 18 years and have two teenage children.  He is a beloved teacher in his community and I'm a hospice social worker.  He has been nicknamed peter pan by many because he is so young at heart and outgoing and happy all the time.  However he's been keeping his bisexuality secret from me for our entire relationship.  Two years ago I found some questionable items in our home that he had accidentally left out on our bed.  I was very confused and didn't quite know what it meant and it certainly raises my suspicions.  However I chose denial because shortly after this initial discovery my father died and I got laid off from my job.  needless to say with children and sports and  a new job denial became a safe place for me to be.  Everything changed last weekend when he destroyed his iPhone and I had to get him a new one and you know how funky iPhones are all of his messages came to my iPad.  So I came across a few explicit text streams between him and his lover.   I could no longer deny it I was crushed and heartbroken and I feel like my world is just come apart at the seams in every single way possible.  I can't think straight I can't focus on anything sometimes I just sit and stare for what feels like hours although I know it's a few minutes .   I get sick at the thought of him being intimate with another man especially after we had been intimate just last weekend.   I've been staying at a hotel for the last few nights and while I was here I asked him to come then I confronted him. and he certainly did not deny his sexuality to me .   Unfortunately he also finally disclosed to me that he was abused as a child and had been experimenting with bisexuality his entire life .   He didn't really see it as a trauma but as a social worker and also as a loving wife it's clear to me that he is a victim of abuse and he really needs to seek help for this .  I'll be returning home to the kids tomorrow and I've asked him to go find a place to stay as I cannot even bear the sight of him right now .   I'm just so lost I don't know what to do I don't know if I want to save our marriage or end it .   He is been sobbing to me that he wants to have me in his life and his kids and his life and that he chooses me but I really question it because we cannot suppress our nature, we cannot suppress who we are .  If I forced him to suppresses his bisexual urges then he will probably do this again and we will be right back where we started  .  I know he's in a great deal of pain right now and he feels very remorseful about the pain he's inflicted on me .  But I guess my focus needs to be and taking care of myself and my children .  I gave him terms tonight that he needs to be getting counseling and getting help for his own issues before I will consider marriage counseling .   I have no idea if it is the right thing to do but finding this website and finding this group I hope you'll give me the guidance to help me to the most awful experience in my life .  Both of my parents are dead and my own family won't speak to me for a reasons I'd rather not share here so I feel pretty alone in this world right now .

I hope this post didn't ramble on too long but thanks for listening .

Last edited by Angrymama515 (Thu Jul 13 8:42 pm)

 

Fri Jul 14 6:31 am  #2


Re: Newbie here

Angrymama,

Not alone..     you are not.    You have kids that need you and love you.  You have a God.  You have yourself.  And yourself you will find  has great qualities such as fierce love, empathy, and honesty.
(of which your spouse has now forfeited).

Also alone is ok...alone is better than living with a lying cheating spouse that hurts you.

First breathe...take a step back.. You did nothing wrong.   Do not leave your home.     Do not fall into the believing  "I was abused as a kid..woe is me...thats why I lied and cheated on you".    It may be true but really any words they say now you cant believe.  TGT is so horrible because there are no take backs...they burn the bridge of trust and then they drop a nuclear bomb on it for good measure.

Start taking small steps for you and your kids.   Those kids will need a strong moral  parent that they can trust and rely on...   your spouse is not it.       Be kind to yourself.    Build a support system of doctor,  priest/pastor, friends. etc.         Small baby steps doing what is right and moral.


PS:  I could be out of line but in the case of my ex-spouse  she estranged me from my siblings and friends, isolating and brainwashing me into believing everyone was bad and only she was good.     I reached out to everyone when TGT hit me with a sincere I'm sorry  (no mention of TGT) ..and  it turns out there was nothing wrong with these people. ..I'm ashamed I wasted no many years without these people in my life because my ex had a problem with everyone.      All Im saying is you may find any slights or grievances pale is comparison to a lying cheating spouse.... don't discount any friends and family yet.


A sincere, genuine, e-hug  (warm and authentic because I know we dont get those).

 

Last edited by Rob (Fri Jul 14 6:32 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Fri Jul 14 6:48 am  #3


Re: Newbie here

Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. As you read here you will find that some will say that when confronted men often claim that they were abused as children and suggest that it probably is not true. For some that may be an attempt to gain pity and get the partner or wife to become supportive but in the case of my ex I know from others that it did happen.

Whether this caused it for not does not change the fact that he was attracted sexually to men before I met him and was throughout our marriage. Despite an admission post-marriage that he was "bi" his sexual attraction to women was less than his attraction to men, which increased with age and as he distanced himself from me and spent more time with openly gay men.  Finally he came out and left after 30+ years of marriage. In retrospect I now say "Thank you God."

We did marriage counseling in the early and middle years and it always ended up focusing on him and him going to private counseling. The fact is that the desire for a male lover is hard-wired and will always be there. Please don't get sucked into staying to help him. He doesn't want to lose you because he has a had good thing but you can't be his therapist and you may find that he becomes like a child who will grow up and leave.

The dynamic of the marriage changes as join him in his closet and you change with it. I didn't know how constrained I was until he left and I began re-discovering myself. Do think of yourself and do what is right for you.

 

Fri Jul 14 8:52 am  #4


Re: Newbie here

Hi Angrymama. 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this awful reality.  I am very happy you found your way to our site though.  This is a place where you will find others with similar stories who can share their experiences and advice and best of all.. understanding.   You are definitely not alone. 

I'm glad you recommended that your husband get help.  But I want to make the same recommendation to you.  You are in a state of shock.  not figuratively.. but physically.  The stress and pain can cause harmful effects to you body which can lead to heart attack, stroke, or other issues.  I recommend that you go visit a physician.  First off.. get tested for STD's (I'm sorry to have to make this recommendation).  Second, talk with your Dr. about any issues you might be having with anxiety and stress and potentially sleep problems. It's hard enough to get through these early days.. but adding panic attacks or lack of sleep compounds things and makes it so much harder.   You have to watch your health for your sake and your kids. 

One of the most common trends we see here is the progression of gay spouses coming out of the closet.  They almost always follow the same path..  First they claim to be BI rather than gay.  Second, they claim that this is something they have learned about themselves later in life.  Third, they claim that it's due to some issue in their youth.  Any or all of these might be true, but in most cases it turns out to be a lie to soften the blow and make an excuse for themselves.  It's a lot easier to deal with the guilt if you have some good excuses. 

Is your husband really bi?  Or is he really gay?   
If he is bi, that means by definition, he can be satisfied with either sex and be happy in a committed relationship.  If he is gay, that means being with a woman will not satisfy him and he will need to find a man.  There is a big difference here as to how it impacts your future with him.  I urge you to explore this. 

You are not alone!  We are here for you.   The SSN also has local support groups that you can join.  I would recommend you find at least one close friend to disclose the situation to so that you have some support.  You don't owe your husband secrecy at your own detriment.  That doesn't mean you tell the world and try to hurt him..  but you are allowed to find a support network. 

Stick around..  share as much or as little as you wish.  We are here to support you however we can. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Fri Jul 14 10:06 am  #5


Re: Newbie here

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this as it can be devastating to your whole being. I agree for the most part with the other replies regarding getting the help you need. However I still struggle with the belief in the 'bi' thing.
I've seen too many cases where it proves to be a transitional phase during a maturing period in life for people who have the SSA. They more 'mature' and comfortable they become in their own skin, the scale slides heavier to one side...and settles.
One concern I have with something you mentioned is how happy he was all the time. So all the while he's having sex with other men, (I say men because your told only the portion of what's been exposed rather than the whole truth of what hasn't), he was a happy camper living the double life without the guilt he should have been feeling.
It was only until you busted him that he now feels all this 'pain'. 
So what if you went another 20 years without knowing? Would he still be dancing through life in his secret little world while putting you at risk?..
Just something to consider. I truly wish you all the best and my heart goes out to you.
 

 

Fri Jul 14 7:52 pm  #6


Re: Newbie here

Thanks everyone for your words of support. Right now I am back home with the kids and have asked him to leave and find his own place to stay. I had spent the last two nights in a hotel at my own expense and now it's time for him to grow up and figure things out for himself. My kids are taking it hard- and that is perfectly normal. I've moved on from my state of shock to a bit more sense of calm. I talk to a counselor regularly and she's been very helpful. My oldest is already in counseling, and I've arranged for my younger one to get help ASAP. I took a 30 day LOA from work so I can deal with this. I saw my doctor this week and so far all the testing has come back negative. I also brought it to our pastor's attention. 

Now that I have a little clarity, I can see how he's using excuses and not taking responsibility for his actions. Throughout our marriage he had a away of not taking responsibility for his behavior (he has ADHD) and making me out to be the broken/defective person. He couldn't handle the fact that I had struggled with depression when our kids were younger (in hindsight it was postpartum depression). He would tell me that he couldn't understand how or why people could be unhappy in this world. I always thought the problems in our marriage were with me. Now I am seeing the light. At this exact point in time, I don't think I'll be able to take him back. I can't live a lie. I can't fake happiness. 

I've confided in a few close friends. I have my small network. My doctor has helped me with adding the right medications- and it's been a big help. It's kept me from laying around and sobbing all day long. I am working hard to help my kids understand that it's not their fault. My worry is my youngest. He knows his dad cheated on his mom, but he does not know it was with another man. I dont know how to tell him. He's 12, has ADHD too. He know his sister is LGBT, and I think he understands it, but I just dont know how he could handle the news of his dad's orientation. And your comments to me got me thinking- is is bi or is he gay? 

Thanks for the hugs. I need all I can get. 

     Thread Starter
 

Fri Jul 14 8:20 pm  #7


Re: Newbie here

Hi Angry,

Welcome to the place no one wants to be.  You will find understanding and support here.

I think of bi as being much the same as someone who is open to dating/loving/being with someone of different races.  I'm one of those people. I am white, and was brought up without exposure to a single black person. From the Midwest of the U.S., from a prejudiced family.   Most women in my situation wouldn't be open to creating a life with a man of color.  But I am.  I find some men of all different races attractive.  And I also find plenty of men in all of those races unattractive.  I look at myself as extremely lucky - I am not limited whatsoever in finding the right person because I need to look within a narrow lane of what he looks like.  I was open to anything.  That didn't mean that he could be any religion or type of person.  He had to be a good match for me, and I had to find him attractive.  Period.  Once I found the right person and committed to a relationship, I had no need to continue to explore being with other men just because I was open to their race.  I am married to a black man now - the love of my life.  I cannot possibly see myself cheating on him with a white man because I'm also open to white men.  The same would be true if he was white - I wouldn't be cheating on him with a black man just because I'm open to that, too.

I think of being bi as being much the same way.  I know of a bi woman who says her last committed relationship was with a man.  This time around it's with a woman.  She likes both sexes.  Her choice depends on the individual rather than what sex they are.  She still has to like them and find them attractive, which rules plenty of people out.  But no one is ruled out based upon their sex alone.  THAT is bi.  Bi is NOT needing to be with both.  Bi is being open to both.  Once you lock down into a committed relationship though, that's.... it.  Don't commit if you're not all the way fulfilled.

The fact that your husband is cheating on you with men (and not women) means that he's GAY, not bi.  Bi would mean that he's open to both sexes, but found and chose you - a female.  Gay means that he's with someone that he may love and even like, but he will not be sexually fulfilled unless he's with a man.  As a straight female, you can't make that work.

Most gay in denial men don't want to admit that they're gay.  Saying they're bi means that they can tell you that they still like women - or at least one; you.  It also sounds more progressive and non conformist.  In the end though, it's really about them not being able to accept themselves as gay, so they back it up a step and say they're bi.  There's a saying around here that bi is just a stop on the road to gay.  I'll go one step further and say that bi is a layover at the airport.  It is not the real destination.  They just don't want to admit that they've booked a flight for a vacation in Jersey.  They don't want to admit to liking Jersey.  They'd rather make it look like they're only in Milwaukee on their way to HAWAII, NOT Jersey.  If you like Jersey, you like Jersey.  Claim it, own it, be it.  But don't lie about it.

When you pull the gay thing out of the equation, he's been cheating on you.  For years.  His excuse of why he's curious (the abuse) might be real - and might even be where his fascination with men started.  But it is NOT an excuse to cheat.  He may have been a victim of the abuse, but he doesn't need to make YOU the victim because he can't own up to his real feelings and needs.  Cheating has zero to do with being abused as a child.  Being gay isn't a choice.  But cheating is an action, and it IS under his control.  And he's failed miserably at being faithful and true to you.  He admitted nothing until he was caught.  That's not transparent.  That's lying until he couldn't get out of it any longer.  Even then he's making excuses for why it happened.

You deserve better, hon.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (Fri Jul 14 8:22 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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