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Thu Jul 13 4:52 pm  #1


No Idea What To Do Next.

I am not really how to start this.  My wife and I have been married for ten years.  Everything started around 5 years ago after the birth of our first child.  Our marriage was strained,  but whose is not after such a event.  We had been having trouble and seen a marriage councilor.  When he proved unhelpful we started going to the pastor of the church we had been going to for years.  We started seeing him together and then separately.  She started to call him daddy as she did not have much of a relationship with her father.  This was his way in.  He abused his potion and coerced my wife into a sexual relationship.  She hated me after that.  Accused me of all kinds of things.  Having affairs, being aggressive with our child, manipulating her, and abuse of one form or another (I have been accused of them all).  I told her I forgave her and that I still loved her and wanted to work through everything.  She told me I did not forgive her and that she did not love me.  I we had agreed to hand off our son (who was only 10 months old) every week.  One day she did not show up.  I called and asked where they were.  She said she was not bringing him and that she was going to file divorce and for full custody.  We were nearly two weeks from our final court hearing and our son was sick in the hospital.  During the time we in his room together my wife expressed that she wanted to work things our and missed me.  After a time of reconciliation we were able to mend our broken home and she and my son moved back into our house. 
       We have had two children in the last few years.  Our marriage was still rocky.  My wife will get angry at something and then say she is angry but was never able to say what it was about.  She would shout and I would not raise my voice.  I would have all kinds of insults hurled at me and I would try to keep the peace.  This has increased over the last few years.
       We had a daughter last year.  Since her birth my wife has acted distant and cold.  She keep saying that our daughter changed her in ways that no one could imagine.  I never knew what she meant by this until just recently.
       I am a Solider in the National Guard and I am currently deployed to the Middle East.  We were training for 2 months prior leaving.  Before we left we all went home for 4 days.  Prior to coming home my wife stated that she was not going to have sex with me when I got home.  I told her that I did not understand what was going on.  The night I got home my wife came to the door crying and could not stop hugging me.  After the kids went to bed she initiated sex.  On the third day of being home we were getting ready to go to a BBQ at my parents house, where our kids were already, when my wife started getting upset and angry with me.  She accused me of having a homosexual relationship with a officer that I am friends with.  I said I had no idea why you would come to that conclusion and she began yelling at me about lies and deception (I'd been gone for months training everyday and not sure when I would have done this, let alone the fact that I have never felt that way about a man in my life).  After I assured her I'm not having a affair with a man or woman we left.  During the car ride my wife confessed that she had been struggling with feelings of homosexuality and being attracted to other women.  She assured me that she had not been with or pursed anyone else.
         I am now several months into my deployment.  My wife, today actually, told me that she no longer wants me to call her "babe, love" or any other things that a husband would call his wife.  She added that she no longer is romantically attached to me and that we are to keep it calm for the kids.  All after calling me emotionally controlling her by calling her "babe".
       I am pretty sure that she is going to leave me when I get home.  This is the part were I add that same thing that I have see many people post on here.  I still love her.  I was still sending her love letter from where I am now.  Buying her gifts and making some with my own hands. 

I don't know what to do.
 

 

Thu Jul 13 7:53 pm  #2


Re: No Idea What To Do Next.

A sad but authentic welcome. First of all understand that this isn't your fault. You did not cause this. It sounds like you did everything you could. I'm not military but you need to talk to someone there, is there a chaplin for your unit, even a doctor could work in a pinch. Once that is done I expect you need to bring a superior officer into the loop. For everyone's safety, it is important that they know what kind of condition your head space may be in. This is just my opinion but if they offered to send you home I might counter-offer with a suggestion to finish your deployment somewhere else or at least a short term posting in a less stressful environment. You need time to figure out what to do once you are home. Reading your story, I wonder if she was trying to make you leave as a way to feel less guilty? The problem with that idea is that so many of us are loyal and committed we don't just want to walk away until that is the only healthy option. If she has these feelings and has been hiding them for so long she might even have been taking out her guilt on you. It certainly sounds like she has been bouncing between wanting it to be over and then trying to make up for her previous behaviour. You deserve the truth. You need the truth. Your kids deserve a home where mom and dad support each other, not where one argues and accuses the other without cause. If 'keeping it calm for the kids' is code for quietly staying together in a dysfunctional relationship until some mystical day when they are 'older' many here would caution you against that. It's not a healthy way to live and doesn't set much of an example to the kids on what 'home' means. If it's means 'let's not explode and rage in front of them while we figure this out' then I'd say that's agreeable. You should be able to tell the kids together what the future will be. Good luck and keep posting. You are not alone.
 

 

Fri Jul 14 9:04 am  #3


Re: No Idea What To Do Next.

backpackdad, 

I'm so sorry you find yourself here on this site.  

Having to deal with the possibility of a wife coming out of the closet and potentially asking for a divorce is nearly too much to handle for anyone.. but to have to deal with this while on deployment in a dangerous foreign country is another level.  

I don't know much about the military, but I agree with Daryl's advice to talk with a councilor.  The potential destruction of your family is something that nobody can deal with without having an impact on their job.. and in this case, your job has some major risks to your life and others.  

As for your situation.  It sounds like your wife has some mental instability issues going on.  The struggle over one's sexuality can cause enough stress to create mental health problems.  It can manifest itself in a number of different ways.  I would recommend to you that you ask her to find a councilor or therapist of her own to go see.  

Sadly nearly every man here winds up in a similar position.  We all love our wives and want to find a way to stick with them and find a way through the mess, so we all seem to do the same thing..  We stand by and wait for them to make up their mind.  I'm not sure what else you can do right now other than wait for her to make up her mind.  

Please stick around and post.. just sharing your experience and feelings is very helpful.  We will help in any way we can.  You are not alone!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

"Horribly, the only way through it..... is through it."
-CajunBelle
 

Fri Jul 14 10:11 am  #4


Re: No Idea What To Do Next.

There is something else you can do, besides standing by and waiting for her to make up her mind.  You can make up your own mind, too.  I don't mean that in a frivolous way.  I know others refer to it as the "choose me" dance.  I did that.  I did that, until I realized that I no longer felt we had a marriage to save.  Enough damage had been done that my marriage was irreparable.  

backpackdad:  I'm not saying that your marriage is over or not over.  Only you can figure that out.  I'm just trying to say that a marriage takes 2.  You don't have to stand around and wait for her to make up her mind.  You need to choose what is healthy for you, too.  

Please, reach out for help, as you serve us all, in your military position.  You need more support than ever, right now.

 

Fri Jul 14 11:34 am  #5


Re: No Idea What To Do Next.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It sounds terrible. 

Let me lay some of this out for you in bullet points.  Everything in red is NOT NORMAL behaviors - all red flags that something is off with her mentally.

- Your marriage was strained after the first child (no, that's not necessarily "normal" - PEOPLE can be strained, but the marriage doesn't need to be).
- You two went to counseling
- Counseling not helping
- Go to pastor for counseling.  She starts calling the pastor "Daddy"
- She and pastor start a sexual relationship
- SHE HATES and BLAMES YOU for it!!!!  Let me say that again: SHE started having a sexual relationship with someone else while in a relationship with you, and she hates and blames YOU for it.
- She accuses you of things that have nothing to do with any of your own behavior - cheating on her, being aggressive with your child, manipulating her, and several forms of abuse.
- You say you want to forgive her, you still love her, and you want to fix things and move forward.
- She says you DON'T forgive her, and she tells you that she doesn't love you
- She decides alone that she's getting a divorce.  She proceeds to pull your son from you - as if your relationship with your son and your marriage are mutually exclusive.
- You two reconnect during an episode of your son being very ill.  You reconcile and become a family living under the same roof again.
- You have two more children together.  Marriage still rocky.
- She gets angry at you, and will tell you that she's angry, but cannot or will not tell you WHY.
- She will shout and hurl insults at you in her anger.  But still won't tell you why she's angry.  You try to keep the peace.  This happens with increasing frequency.
- She displays contradictory and confusing behavior - telling you that she won't sleep with you when you return from being away for 2 months, but then cries and desperately hugs you when you arrive - later initiating sex.
- She gets angry at you for unknown reasons and then begins accusing you of having a homosexual affair.  You assure her that you are not cheating on her - with anyone.
- She then admits to you that it's HER that's been having homosexual thoughts.  She insists that she has not cheated.
- After several months apart, she tells you not to call her any of the romantic names that are inherent to a marriage.  If you slip up, she calls you controlling. 
- YOU are on the defense - the lone soldier fighting for a marriage against unknown obstacles.  If you try to fight for your marriage, you're controlling.

NOW let me lay out only her red-flag behavior, so you can see it all together:

She starts calling the pastor "Daddy".  She and pastor start a sexual relationship.  SHE HATES and BLAMES YOU!!!!  She accuses you of things that have nothing to do with any of your own behavior - cheating on her, being aggressive with your child, manipulating her, and several forms of abuse.  She tells you that she doesn't love you.  She proceeds to pull your son from you.  She gets angry at you, and will tell you that she's angry, but cannot or will not tell you WHY.  She will shout and hurl insults at you in her anger, but still won't tell you why she's angryThis happens with increasing frequency.  She displays contradictory and confusing behavior.  She gets angry at you for unknown reasons and then begins accusing you of having a homosexual affair.  She then admits to you that it's HER that's been having homosexual thoughtsshe tells you not to call her any of the romantic names that are inherent to a marriage.  If you slip up, she calls you controlling.  If you try to fight for your marriage, you're controlling.

The problem isn't the marriage.  The problem is HER.  There's something wrong here.  She's mentally ill.  It may actually be postpartum depression.  It may be regular depression.  It may be bipolar disorder.  It may be psychosis.  It could be a combination of these or any other things.  But you are barking up the wrong tree - you're trying to address the marriage when one half of the marriage (one person - her) is not mentally capable of BEING in a good relationship.  You cannot expect her to see this clearly.  But you can tell her that she needs to get individual counseling for it, and see a psychiatrist for medication to assist in solving the issue.  If she is unwilling to do so, then you're at an impasse.  You cannot keep running in circles with one foot nailed to the damned floor.  It's futile.

Best of luck to you.  I hope I haven't been too harsh.  Just trying to help.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (Fri Jul 14 11:37 am)


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