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Tue Jul 11 10:48 am  #1


Children

I haven't been on in awhile as I have been trying to navigate this new life of mine. I have a question though...my gay ex just told me that his BF and him are moving in together in a month and half. Normally, I would not care but we have 2 young kids (5 and 2). Him and his boyfriend will be together less than 6 months when they move in together, have been long distance, and the boyfriend has only had minimal contact with the kids and now they are going to move in together. My son (5 year old) is still
Trying to understand why mommy and daddy aren't together. Side note it hasn't even been a year since my ex has come out! My ex won't listen to my concerns. Anyone gone through something like this and how did you tell your kids?

 

Tue Jul 11 5:38 pm  #2


Re: Children

Jkpeace... sadly there is nothing in my divorce decree that will help me and I wish I would have but I NEVER saw this coming. He's always been a level headed person and I can't understand what he is doing and why he is involving our kids! We have 50/50 custody so there is no avoiding the kids not knowing of the situation. We are trying hard to find a therapist but it's not as easy as I thought and with 6 weeks to go...time is running out!!

I am seriously blown away by this whole thing! And can't understand why he is doing this.

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Jul 12 6:14 am  #3


Re: Children

Rene82,

Yeah try not to think too far ahead..many of your fears may not come to pass.  Pray the bf has some morality..wishful thinking I know.  It may not last.

Those kids need you now more than ever..they need a parent that puts them first and above others.   Just continue to be your strong self..consistent ...kids thrive on consistency ..and their dad is the exact opposite of that. 
I maintain a "I don't want to know" mentality of what goes on in the other house. Harder with little kids I know.    Just give them fierce love when they are with you..I think you'll find it transcends your exs..kids will hopefully get comfortable in both houses...with yours being a familiar safe haven.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Wed Jul 12 9:58 am  #4


Re: Children

My ex had his brand-spanking-new boyfriend help him move out of our home when I finally was able to get him to leave.  They'd dated less than 2 weeks, if memory serves.  None of our 3 young children knew he was gay.  Then just 2 weeks later, the ex moved in with said boyfriend - a good hour away.  He had been living literally down the block in the apartment he moved out of when he left.  Turns out he never really lived there - he had the kids spend a night or two, but then started having me take them an hour away to this stranger's house.  The boyfriend was much older (my ex was about 40; his then bf was probably 55.  I went inside once, and noticed that there were artsy black and white photos on the walls of men - all muscular, oiled, and in poses suggesting they were lovers.  I mentioned this to my ex, who just said "It's not my house".  He said the same thing when I mentioned that the kids came home a few weeks later reeking of cigarette smoke - even the unworn clothing in their suitcases reeked.  Then I learned that the kids weren't trusted to sit a the the boyfriend's dining table (they might scratch it!), so they had to eat all their meals sitting aroud a coffee table, on the floor.  The boyfriend had had an issue with cyber theft in the past, so he trusted NO ONE to use his computer.  My ex didn't have one.  So my kids couldn't do homework there on the weekends that he had them (which required a computer).

Some months later, I told two of the kids that their dad was gay.  One because he openly confronted me about it, and although I told him to ask his dad about it, he told me that no - he wasn't comfortable discussing it with him.  The other kid I told on accident - he asked me some open-ended question like, "So, is it true about Dad?", and I said, "That he's gay?  Yes.", only to find out that he was talking about something else altogether.  The third child my ex told - after he had no choice because the other two kids already knew.  Otherwise I'm sure he wouldn't have told them to this day.  Several weeks later, he told them that his "friend" was actually his boyfriend.

They all cried when they found out he was gay.  I understood - they felt betrayed.  The man they thought they knew was actually a completely different person than they knew.  They also then understood why our marriage had ended.  My oldest son - who was 14 at the time - took it the hardest.  He hated his dad for this.  But..... he hated him already anyway.  This was just a really convenient excuse.  He vascilated between hating the gay, and being fine with it.  I'm not sure where he's at with it now; he doesn't live at home and we never talk about it.  The other two kids were a boy aged 10, and a girl aged 8.  The boy took it harder.  He seemed to be afraid that it was inherited or something.  The girl was fine with it.  They never really have wanted to talk about it - either to me or to counselors or in a support group.  They have talked among themselves plenty.  They seem well-adjusted otherwise, so there's really no need to keep asking them about it.  It's been 5 years now.  My kids do see it as the reason that our family was torn apart.  However, I'm happy and have found love again and remarried, and the kids love life better with their step father than they ever did with their father.  So there's really nothing to lament at this point.

The younger the child, the less it will bother them.  They haven't really put too much thought into their parents' sexuality by the age of 6, so there's really nothing to discuss.  My kids never did ask questions.  Never asked about the logistics of gay sex, never asked how we could have had sex if Dad liked men instead of women, never asked why Dad married me.  I've always been very clear to them that while their dad being gay meant that he and I were up against an obstacle that couldn't be overcome in a healthy marriage, that it really meant nothing for their relationship with him.  He was still him, he was still their dad, and he still loved them.  His love for them has zero to do with whether he likes boys or girls romantically.

You can't and won't be able to control the kids being able to see him, despite his lifestyle choices.  The good news is that most gay men - even if they feel like gay should be accepted wholly - don't make a show of deep-kissing their partner in front of the kids.  They may hold hands, or call them names like, "Babe", or "Honey".  But it's not so bad.  You cannot decide what you want the kids to see in their home unless it crosses the line into something graphic or pornographic.  And it typically won't.   But you can't choose when he introduces his partner to them, or how he identifies him.  The courts typically can't help in this regard unless they're doing something dangerous to the welfare of the children - again - pornographic or drinking or drugs, not attending to the children, etc.  The only thing you can do is try to have a sit-down with him about the kids, and how to best protect them.  The best words I repeatedly used were "How do you think the kids will feel about that?", and "Do you think that's good for the kids?"  If that doesn't help, nothing will.

Best of luck -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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