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Mon Jul 10 7:22 pm  #1


13 years after my world fell apart

It’s been 13 years since she dropped her bombshell into my life.  I was 40 at the time. 13 years since my world fell apart and I almost made the decision to end my own life. Yes… I regret to say I went to a VERY dark place… but here we are 13 years later.
 
13 years later we have raised our two sons having shared custody and care of our precious boys. At 23 and 21 years old they are doing great.
13 years later I am at the peak of my career, working hard and doing well.
13 years later I am back in my own home.
13 years later I am in a relationship with a girl I dated at school. We were each other’s first love and after 30 years apart we are once again soulmates and lovers. I have never been happier.
 
When you ask yourself ‘will I get through this?’ the answer is ‘yes’... you can... but you must dare to hope. You must dare to dream.  It’s a long haul and there are not always fairytale endings but the future is largely what you choose to make it.  I know the pain you are in. I know it seems unbearable. I know you can’t see the way ahead… but please hold on.

Take one day at a time. Take baby steps on the good days. On the bad days lean on your family and friends. As time passes the darkness lifts and the fog clears. Get help wherever you can find it but most of all believe in yourself. Believe that you are a good person who can both love and be loved.
 
Never give up.

Edit:  If you would like to know the 'whys and hows' of my journey please feel free to ask.  If I was to type up all of my story you'd be reading for days hence the brief summation. If you have any specific questions feel free to ask and I can expand on the salient points.

Last edited by Steve (Mon Jul 10 8:30 pm)


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

Mon Jul 10 7:52 pm  #2


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

Thank you.

 

Mon Jul 10 9:41 pm  #3


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

What a boost, Steve!  Thanks very much for this.  It is inspiring.


"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
 

Tue Jul 11 2:40 am  #4


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

Steve, this is lovely to read. I love reading that people have moved on to better.

My divorce will be final tomorrow. My family is in pieces, I've maintained relationships with my 3 adult children (all in their 20s), I'm heartbroken that relationships among my offspring aren't civil, I do know I'm not responsible for causing this or trying to fix it. I don't think one relationship is salvageable at this point. My very soon to be EX only has a relationship with 1 offspring - the others aren't showing him unconditional love so he's not putting in the effort with them, not my responsibility either but it's shocking to me.

I do feel things would have worked out so much better had he been honest with me while the children were under our roof, this bombshell didn't explode until the last had just moved out.

Thanks again for posting Steve, it is encouraging to read some find better after TGT. 


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

Tue Jul 11 5:42 am  #5


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

Foolme wrote:

Thanks again for posting Steve, it is encouraging to read some find better after TGT. 

I'm not surprised that your ex waited until the kids had left.  Seems to be a common practice even in 'normal' marriages.

You are right, it's not your responsibility to repair the damage he has caused in your family's relationships. Just do what mums do best. A wise word here... a bit of advice there...otherwise let them come to grips with things in their own time and sort their own shit out.

Tomorrow will be a tough day for you but hopefully you might see it as the first day of the rest of your life. Not what you wanted... not what you planned... but your new reality nonetheless. Consider the fact that from tomorrow you will be free from the lies.  By the time my divorce happened I was glad it was all over. I didn't celebrate (as some people might) but it didn't upset me either.  I received the paperwork, dutifully filed it in my filing cabinet, and got on with my life.


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Jul 11 6:18 am  #6


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

My divorce day consisted of a settlement in court in which my lawyer shielded me from her rage..
A beer with my brother..then coming home to..you guessed it..her and the girlfriend in the house.  Can't make this stuff up.

"...  I received the paperwork, dutifully filed it in my filing cabinet, and got on with my life."

Yes, that sums it up ...that is something we all must do.  I'm doing ok now...it will be a year since she moved out and I'm doing good...I have stopped shaking. I'm moving on with my life.  Its amazing..wonderful people that she kept me isolated from I can interact with now..it's like getting out of prison.  So much made up drama and stress gone from my life...


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Tue Jul 11 6:36 am  #7


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

Rob wrote:

 I'm doing ok now...it will be a year since she moved out and I'm doing good...I have stopped shaking.

Yup... The strange thing is that the very thing we fear most - them (or us) moving out - is the thing that actually sets us free.  In my case it was me that moved out (it was the only option for us financially as she wasn't working) and it was the best thing I could have done.  Living in the same house as her was rapidly driving me insane. 

I'm glad your ex has gone Rob and I'm glad you're doing better. Leave the past in the past. Learn what there is to learn and move on to better things. Out with the old... in with the new. So many cliches. All true. LOL


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Jul 11 7:12 am  #8


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

@Steve, definitely the first day of the rest of my life! I know I'll still have what I call shaky head moments, it's still so surreal at times but hopefully they'll become less frequent and my head won't shaky as rapidly LOL

I decided to play the lottery tonight to see if the last night of having his name might actually bring me some luck LOL LOL LOL LOL (I'm not expecting it to happen though ;-) ) That's one thing you guys don't have to think about - the name reverting!

@Rob I'm glad the shaking has stopped!

Onwards and upwards people!!


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

Wed Jul 19 2:51 pm  #9


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

Steve Thank You For Sharing!!!

I'm new to all of this... Here is a little bit of my story.
Like you I am 40yrs old and dealing with the fallout of my wife coming out.  It has been about 8 months for me since she left.  I found out by doing some detective work... recovered some deleted text on her phone and found a budding relationship between her and her new female lover aka my replacement. I confronted her and she told me she was embarrassed and wanted to do marriage counseling and the next day didn't come home.  It took me forever to realized what was really going on.  My wife was gay??? bi???  Guess it didn't matter cause the truth is she didn't love me any more. I guess you all can understand the shock too! She wrote me a very confusing letter that really didn't explain anything that was happening to me.  All very matter of fact a few days later. From there she cut off all communication that wasn't business/divorce talk.  She is currently living with her girlfriend doing well and I on the other hand am living with my aunt and her son because I can afford rent/utilities.  How quickly life turns sideways and knocks you on your ass.  The divorce should be final soon.  All in all I am in a heap of hurt.  I just can't understand how someone I was with for 17 years could lie like that for so long.  . How I could be replaced so easily.  How she can say to me and GOD on the alter I DO when she couldn't.  I'm catholic and the sacraments are important to me.  I have been wrestling this since November and I am exhausted.

Steve I don't know when it all turn around for the positive with you but I am glad you are doing well now.
The rest of the group it is so sad to see the number of member that are or have gone through this.

Thankful for the support 

 

Wed Jul 19 9:16 pm  #10


Re: 13 years after my world fell apart

Chimp,

"... I just can't understand how someone I was with for 17 years could lie like that for so long.  . How I could be replaced so easily.  How she can say to me and GOD on the alter I DO when she couldn't.  I'm catholic and the sacraments are important to me.  I have been wrestling this since .."


So sorry ..I also ruminate about this..trying to process what my then wife did..  how I could be replaced.. ..how she went to church with me and vowed before God that she would love me until the end.   The shallowness of her love and comittment..her defiance of commandments scares me..
We may never know the answer other than they are just horrible people.

To move on ..I do what my therapist suggested which is if I find myself ruminating about this is give myself a finite time ..say 10 minutes...Grieve, cry if i have to..then do something else.. dont let these immoral people leave us hurt all the time.  We can't let them keep hurting us..they did enough of that already.

Last edited by Rob (Wed Jul 19 9:18 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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