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Tue Jul 11 4:02 pm  #11

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Steve wrote:


Steve,,,,This all started with the feeling he was keeping something from me, 
how does one recapture ones belief in a man who has shown
disrespect for the trust I had !@#$%^&*

" Taking day at a time...."

Wed Jul 12 5:57 pm  #12

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Steve wrote:

Possibly... if you feel the counselor you have now doesn't have a good grip on the sexual aspect of your relationship problem.


When the man I built a life of 32 years with.....comes out with a desire for more expression of his bi-side....I can't 
at this time see through the tangle & mess of what I thought I who, how, when & what I actually have now, 
or indeed will have in my future. 
Getting a therapist to pin him to the wall say "Listen here buddy... she's having none of this 'sex on the side' thing. Are you prepared to be faithful to her? Can you do that? Because if not you need to say so NOW!"....sounds 
awesome!! (I've told the counselor about this support-site) 

There is no history of cheating (I see cheating as face-to-face intimate contact) that I'm aware of....just porn, literotica, Craigslist chatting, and his internalised fantasies. 

I hope & trust the small, slow, careful steps I'm taking are headed for the right
reason to change those 32 years for the better 

" Taking day at a time...."
     Thread Starter

Sun Jul 16 9:50 pm  #13

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Last edited by Ellexoh (Mon Jul 17 4:43 pm)

" Taking day at a time...."
     Thread Starter

Wed Jul 19 9:33 am  #14

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Hi Ellexoh,

I'm so sorry you are here.  And I too wanted to stand by my partner.  I thought for many years that he struggled with SSA.  There were signs.  I lived with the feeling that there was something 'wrong' for a long time.  I felt distance and then closeness when I called him on the distance.  There was always a sort of yo-yo feeling.  I found gay porn early in my marriage when I had young children.  Then many years later a gay dating profile.... all this to firm denials of actual contact.  So many years of denial.  Now we are divorced and I am still so hurt because....

It was all lies.  I'm not saying your husband is lying, but it was beyond my grasp to imagine mine was either.  He was....for over 20 years.  Now he is with a woman and admits to being bi, but not wanting 'it' anymore.  Maybe this is true, but the hurt of all those denials and then learning that he had been with men (and had an affair with a woman too!) just was too much to recover any trust from. 

As Cameron once said on this site, once the spouse has come out to you admitting these feelings you are basically in an open relationship because there is NO reason for them to tell you otherwise.  He must want your blessing.  And if you can give it, well, then you are in an open relationship and all the complications that implies. 

Mine wanted me to forgive and forget.  He never wanted counselling or anything but for me to never mention his infidelities again.  I was tormented for a long time trying to stuff my pain and grief over those years of infidelity.  My experience and reading here really opened my eyes to what a mess I was in.  It is so hard to square the person you are married to - to the new reality of what they are asking of you which is more than is really reasonable for you as you went into the marriage expecting a heterosexual relationship.  And fidelity.  But if one of those is optional then MOM might work. 

From my reading here it is a tough road.  And I know that my GIDX was not open or able to talk easily without total shame and guilt to me about his feelings and latterly his actions.  He may be faithful to his new partner, but I think it is unlikely and I think eventually he will come out as fully gay.  But actually not come out....just hide and be with a woman.  He needs that cover and emotional validation.  That is what he did with me, so perhaps it is just me feeling history will repeat itself as it often does.

I wish you well.


Wed Jul 19 4:03 pm  #15

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Leah wrote:

Hi Ellexoh....I wish you well.


Thank you Leah. Listening to the heartbreak  feels almost like all the tragedy I read 
is only here to convince me that it's a waste of time trying to understand it all. 
My mans admission of wanting more is just a starting point to losing all that I've known, 
and the sooner I accept it the better I'll be?


" Taking day at a time...."
     Thread Starter

Wed Jul 19 6:49 pm  #16

Re: Standing by/with my partner

    I think you just made a giant leap:  all the time spent "trying to understand it all" in the end turns out to be wasted effort on your part.  I have just this month made a similar realization.   In the end, whatever caused my husband's dysmorphia/dysphoria, whether it could be treated, whether transness is something real or imagined, whether transactivism is actively misogynistic....all of these, on which I spent countless hours, ended up being nothing but part of my process of bargaining and denial, on the road to accepting the truth.  He wants to feminize himself.  He doesn't see anything wrong with that.  He's not interested in how that affects our marriage, and he's not interested in considering what he wants within the context of being married.  I can't change any of that.  I can only decide what I will do in the face of it.  So yes, the sooner we get to "acceptance" the better off we are, because the sooner we can do the things we have to do to uncouple, and the sooner we can begin to rebuild our lives.  


Wed Jul 19 7:56 pm  #17

Re: Standing by/with my partner

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Ellexoh,I think you just made a giant leap:


The only leap I made was saying the words, 
to see how it felt.
I'm not ready to believe them in yet

" Taking day at a time...."
     Thread Starter

Today 12:01 pm  #18

Re: Standing by/with my partner

No one's trying to convince you of anything, Ellexoh.  We have no reason to - what you do doesn't affect our lives one bit.  We're here to tell you OUR viewpoint on how WE feel about a situation such as yours.  Because we've been through it - lived through it, learned from it, have come out the other side.  Or we've at least been in your stage and now are at a different place based on similar desires in the beginning to support/stay with our spouse.  We're trying to let you benefit from our experience and learning.  But you are upset with us for giving you our opinion on your situation, even though we are survivors of the same tragedy.  You don't have to agree with us.  There is room for debate and challenging, so long as it's done with kindness.

It's almost like you're a first-time pregnant mother, going on a "Birth" board, asking other mothers for feedback on how to give birth naturally but reduce pain.  Many of us would have the opinion that you should just get the epidural and be pain-free.  But if you came here saying you wanted to be medication free but were looking for pain relief ideas, and you found that no women here had successfully had a medication-free childbirth, then it stands to reason that you'd hear a lot of, "Just get the epidural.", or "I was you - and now I'm pro epidural.  At least consider why you're wanting to go natural."  If you will ONLY accept pain relief suggestions that are medication free, then go find a medication-free childbirth board.  That's ALL they discuss.

We have no good ideas here on how to make it all work out in the end with a MOM, because that didn't work out for us when we tried it.  There are a few people here who are attempting to be in a successful MOM, but I'd doubt any of them would tell you that they have successfully arrived at such a sustained place of happiness.  There ARE, however, a LOT of us who have tried to keep our MOM intact in some way - through compromise, understanding and acceptance.  Only to have our faces blown off.  So yeah - we have an opinion on it.  Mostly because we now realize that while we were in that stage, we were bargaining out of fear.  And we wouldn't go back to that place if you paid us.  And we're hoping to save others from that pain, if we can.  To do otherwise would be like telling you that you don't NEED pain relief in labor - because there IS no pain.  What a lie and disservice it'd be for us to have said that since we don't believe it's true.

We're not here to convince you that you're wrong.  Feel free to take everything we say with a grain of salt.  But please don't act like we're negative, oppressive people for having the opinions we do.  We've lived through this nightmare already.  We have opinions born out of experience.  That doesn't mean they're more "right" than your own opinions.  But neither does it make them invalid.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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