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Fri Jul 7 9:33 pm  #1


Standing by/with my partner

I've read that out of 100 who come out as gay/bi....a percentage divorce, a percentage amend the r'ship to 
incorporate the newly-admitted sexuality....and of those who stay together only a small % succeed.  

I'm interested in staying with the man I can't imagine living without, as he has said he can't see a future
without me in his. These are the early days, and while none of us know what is around the corner....
I need to know there are MOMs out there that have worked/been enhanced in the challenge of their newness.

??


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
 

Sat Jul 8 12:08 am  #2


Re: Standing by/with my partner

Ellexoh,
No matter what you decide, I would suggest that you consider keeping a journal of your thoughts.  Your own journey, as written here, will remind you of some valid concerns you've had.  Your head and heart are probably spinning & spinning.  This all takes so much time to process.  If you write down your thoughts, you won't forget what they've been.  Sometimes, it's good to go back and reread what you've written, yourself.

If you'd like to see how some other MOM's handle this, try the yahoo group MMOMW.  It never hurts to look at all possibilities.  Just don't feel that you have to change the core of yourself or lose your own self, in this journey.

 

Sat Jul 8 2:25 pm  #3


Re: Standing by/with my partner

jkpeace wrote:

the yahoo group MMOMW. ... Just don't feel that you have to change the core of yourself or lose your own self, in this journey.

I checked MMOMW out....thank you. There seems to be so much reading to do, so many stories of heartache. 
 


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
     Thread Starter
 

Mon Jul 10 11:11 am  #4


Re: Standing by/with my partner

These mixed marriages are hard..  The truth of the matter is that it's typically only possible for one of the two people to be happy.  The only way both can be happy is if the str8 spouse is ok with the gay spouse having sex with someone else.  Are you one of these people?


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

"Horribly, the only way through it..... is through it."
-CajunBelle
 

Mon Jul 10 2:29 pm  #5


Re: Standing by/with my partner

phoenix wrote:

These mixed marriages are hard..  The truth of the matter is that it's typically only possible for one of the two people to be happy.  The only way both can be happy is if the str8 spouse is ok with the gay spouse having sex with someone else.  Are you one of these people?

 

No....I'm not. And I'm going to ask my man "are you ok not exploring your bi-sexuality anymore....ever?"
 


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
     Thread Starter
 

Mon Jul 10 4:52 pm  #6


Re: Standing by/with my partner

As a straight woman I cannot imagine having the desire to succeed with another woman however fond of her I was as a friend. If it were the only social acceptable option it would still not be what I wanted. The gay spouses must feel this too so how can we expect true passion and love driven loyalty? I was faithful because he was all I wanted, emotionally and sexually...anything less and it would have petered out for me. We know bisexual men are generally more interested in their gay 'side' than straight so how or why would they choose to stay with someone who is not fulfilling that, they are driven by sexual needs and benign, fond love for the woman they chose to mislead is no competition.

Imagine living with a same sex partner and promising they can fulfil you, you are always going to want an opposite sex partner even if you do stay faithful. That is miserable for you both.

Unless they are truly bisexual and find fulfilment from a relationship with a woman and arehonest from day one and that honesty is borne out in their actions then I really think there is no choice but to put yourself first and bow out.

They need to be the ones coming to us saying I want you, I am not interested in anything other than a life and fulfilment in all ways than with you. Us asking them to reign in their desires and promise not to explore is setting ourselves up for inevitable heartache, more than that, emotional devastation.

Last edited by Duped (Mon Jul 10 4:56 pm)

 

Mon Jul 10 5:19 pm  #7


Re: Standing by/with my partner

It is possible for bisexual people to be monogamous but it's only possible if -
1. They are truly bisexual and not actually gay. If they are actually gay they will gravitate more and more towards their real sexual orientation. By the time they come out as actually gay 10 years might have passed. Where does that leave you? This is a risk you may be prepared to take... or not.
2. They are able to withstand their same sex attractions and not act on them. Many heterosexual people remain faithful to their partners in spite of being attracted to other people from time to time. In theory it should be no different for bisexual people... HOWEVER...  it seems to be very common experience around here for bisexual or gay spouses to eventually feel unfulfilled in their monogamous 'heterosexual' relationship and resentful that they can't act on their 'gay side'.

MOMs are not impossible but they are difficult. Love may conquer all but there's nothing like a bit of lust to fuck up your plans.

I humbly suggest that ye and he get some counseling over this. Talk it through. No one here likes to see marriages end but he owes it to you, and you owe it to each other, to know what the ground rules are going forward now that this reality is a known.

Last edited by Steve (Mon Jul 10 5:31 pm)


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

Tue Jul 11 3:05 pm  #8


Re: Standing by/with my partner

Duped wrote:

This is the "caught between a rock and a hard place" Can he be happy not expressing/fulfilling his bi-ness, to 
make me happy? 
Can I trust him if he says he won't explore it? 

It all comes down to trust. And there's not much intimate trust left.
Ground-rules were not something that were needed in the r'ship, 
and that would not be a relationship I'd have much respect for. Damn this hurts!


 

Last edited by Ellexoh (Tue Jul 11 3:17 pm)


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Jul 11 3:11 pm  #9


Re: Standing by/with my partner

Steve wrote:

It is possible for bisexual people to be monogamous .....

 

Your post brought me to tears.
We're in couples counselling, but not specifically sexual-counseling and 
I'm wondering if counsel from a sex-therapist would be better for us.
 


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Jul 11 3:51 pm  #10


Re: Standing by/with my partner

Ellexoh wrote:

I'm wondering if counsel from a sex-therapist would be better for us.
 

Possibly... if you feel the counselor you have now doesn't have a good grip on the sexual aspect of your relationship problem.

I think you need your counselor to nail your spouse to the wall and say "Listen here buddy... she's having none of this 'sex on the side' thing. Are you prepared to be faithful to her? Can you do that? Because if not you need to say so NOW!"

If he insists he can be faithful... that he wants to be faithful then it's over to you. Can you trust him? That answer will probably come mostly from your gut. You know him. You might already know how strong (or not) his attraction to men is. If he has a history of cheating you might already have your answer.


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

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