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Fri Jul 7 9:33 pm  #1

Standing by/with my partner

I've read that out of 100 who come out as gay/bi....a percentage divorce, a percentage amend the r'ship to 
incorporate the newly-admitted sexuality....and of those who stay together


Last edited by Ellexoh (Sat Sep 2 12:11 pm)


Sat Jul 8 2:25 pm  #2

Re: Standing by/with my partner

jkpeace wrote:

the yahoo group MMOMW. ... Just don't feel that you have to change the core of yourself or lose your own self, in this journey.

I checked MMOMW out....thank you. There seems to be so much reading to do, so many stories of heartache. 

     Thread Starter

Mon Jul 10 11:11 am  #3

Re: Standing by/with my partner

These mixed marriages are hard..  The truth of the matter is that it's typically only possible for one of the two people to be happy.  The only way both can be happy is if the str8 spouse is ok with the gay spouse having sex with someone else.  Are you one of these people?

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Mon Jul 10 2:29 pm  #4

Re: Standing by/with my partner

phoenix wrote:

These mixed marriages are hard..  The truth of the matter is that it's typically only possible for one of the two people to be happy.  The only way both can be happy is if the str8 spouse is ok with the gay spouse having sex with someone else.  Are you one of these people?


No....I'm not.

Last edited by Ellexoh (Sat Sep 2 3:22 pm)

     Thread Starter

Mon Jul 10 4:52 pm  #5

Re: Standing by/with my partner

As a straight woman I cannot imagine having the desire to succeed with another woman however fond of her I was as a friend. If it were the only social acceptable option it would still not be what I wanted. The gay spouses must feel this too so how can we expect true passion and love driven loyalty? I was faithful because he was all I wanted, emotionally and sexually...anything less and it would have petered out for me. We know bisexual men are generally more interested in their gay 'side' than straight so how or why would they choose to stay with someone who is not fulfilling that, they are driven by sexual needs and benign, fond love for the woman they chose to mislead is no competition.

Imagine living with a same sex partner and promising they can fulfil you, you are always going to want an opposite sex partner even if you do stay faithful. That is miserable for you both.

Unless they are truly bisexual and find fulfilment from a relationship with a woman and arehonest from day one and that honesty is borne out in their actions then I really think there is no choice but to put yourself first and bow out.

They need to be the ones coming to us saying I want you, I am not interested in anything other than a life and fulfilment in all ways than with you. Us asking them to reign in their desires and promise not to explore is setting ourselves up for inevitable heartache, more than that, emotional devastation.

Last edited by Duped (Mon Jul 10 4:56 pm)


Mon Jul 10 5:19 pm  #6

Re: Standing by/with my partner

It is possible for bisexual people to be monogamous but it's only possible if -
1. They are truly bisexual and not actually gay. If they are actually gay they will gravitate more and more towards their real sexual orientation. By the time they come out as actually gay 10 years might have passed. Where does that leave you? This is a risk you may be prepared to take... or not.
2. They are able to withstand their same sex attractions and not act on them. Many heterosexual people remain faithful to their partners in spite of being attracted to other people from time to time. In theory it should be no different for bisexual people... HOWEVER...  it seems to be very common experience around here for bisexual or gay spouses to eventually feel unfulfilled in their monogamous 'heterosexual' relationship and resentful that they can't act on their 'gay side'.

MOMs are not impossible but they are difficult. Love may conquer all but there's nothing like a bit of lust to fuck up your plans.

I humbly suggest that ye and he get some counseling over this. Talk it through. No one here likes to see marriages end but he owes it to you, and you owe it to each other, to know what the ground rules are going forward now that this reality is a known.

Last edited by Steve (Mon Jul 10 5:31 pm)

You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 

Tue Jul 11 3:51 pm  #7

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Ellexoh wrote:

I'm wondering if counsel from a sex-therapist would be better for us.

Possibly... if you feel the counselor you have now doesn't have a good grip on the sexual aspect of your relationship problem.

I think you need your counselor to nail your spouse to the wall and say "Listen here buddy... she's having none of this 'sex on the side' thing. Are you prepared to be faithful to her? Can you do that? Because if not you need to say so NOW!"

If he insists he can be faithful... that he wants to be faithful then it's over to you. Can you trust him? That answer will probably come mostly from your gut. You know him. You might already know how strong (or not) his attraction to men is. If he has a history of cheating you might already have your answer.

You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 

Sun Jul 16 9:50 pm  #8

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Last edited by Ellexoh (Mon Jul 17 4:43 pm)

     Thread Starter

Wed Jul 19 9:33 am  #9

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Hi Ellexoh,

I'm so sorry you are here.  And I too wanted to stand by my partner.  I thought for many years that he struggled with SSA.  There were signs.  I lived with the feeling that there was something 'wrong' for a long time.  I felt distance and then closeness when I called him on the distance.  There was always a sort of yo-yo feeling.  I found gay porn early in my marriage when I had young children.  Then many years later a gay dating profile.... all this to firm denials of actual contact.  So many years of denial.  Now we are divorced and I am still so hurt because....

It was all lies.  I'm not saying your husband is lying, but it was beyond my grasp to imagine mine was either.  He was....for over 20 years.  Now he is with a woman and admits to being bi, but not wanting 'it' anymore.  Maybe this is true, but the hurt of all those denials and then learning that he had been with men (and had an affair with a woman too!) just was too much to recover any trust from. 

As Cameron once said on this site, once the spouse has come out to you admitting these feelings you are basically in an open relationship because there is NO reason for them to tell you otherwise.  He must want your blessing.  And if you can give it, well, then you are in an open relationship and all the complications that implies. 

Mine wanted me to forgive and forget.  He never wanted counselling or anything but for me to never mention his infidelities again.  I was tormented for a long time trying to stuff my pain and grief over those years of infidelity.  My experience and reading here really opened my eyes to what a mess I was in.  It is so hard to square the person you are married to - to the new reality of what they are asking of you which is more than is really reasonable for you as you went into the marriage expecting a heterosexual relationship.  And fidelity.  But if one of those is optional then MOM might work. 

From my reading here it is a tough road.  And I know that my GIDX was not open or able to talk easily without total shame and guilt to me about his feelings and latterly his actions.  He may be faithful to his new partner, but I think it is unlikely and I think eventually he will come out as fully gay.  But actually not come out....just hide and be with a woman.  He needs that cover and emotional validation.  That is what he did with me, so perhaps it is just me feeling history will repeat itself as it often does.

I wish you well.


Wed Jul 19 6:49 pm  #10

Re: Standing by/with my partner

    I think you just made a giant leap:  all the time spent "trying to understand it all" in the end turns out to be wasted effort on your part.  I have just this month made a similar realization.   In the end, whatever caused my husband's dysmorphia/dysphoria, whether it could be treated, whether transness is something real or imagined, whether transactivism is actively misogynistic....all of these, on which I spent countless hours, ended up being nothing but part of my process of bargaining and denial, on the road to accepting the truth.  He wants to feminize himself.  He doesn't see anything wrong with that.  He's not interested in how that affects our marriage, and he's not interested in considering what he wants within the context of being married.  I can't change any of that.  I can only decide what I will do in the face of it.  So yes, the sooner we get to "acceptance" the better off we are, because the sooner we can do the things we have to do to uncouple, and the sooner we can begin to rebuild our lives.  


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