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Fri Jul 7 2:00 pm  #1

Does it really get better?

Cause right now I have lost all hope for a future.  I don't want to start again.  I literally just had a the conversation with an acquaintance that I was so happy I never had to worry about dating again.  I can't believe I am in this situation.  Waves of dread, sadness, anger wash over me all day long.  

I've known my husband since I was 17 - first love really.  He and I split up for a while and he questioned his sexuality then, but thought it wasn't right for him.  He then got cancer and I think that scared him - we were, and are, best friends...that closeness resulted in marriage and we were truly happy.  Sex was fine, never great, but we were each other's first so I thought it would take time and improve.  Then a few years ago, things changed and sex became less frequent. Within the last few months he was coming up with excuses and then when we did try it never really worked. I thought it might be embarrassing for him and so I didn't push too terribly much, but I did push.  I mentioned maybe he should talk to the doctor. We both chalked it up to stress.  Finally I confronted him and said he had been distant and that I was feeling very unhappy.  He opened up to me and unfortunately, it wasn't what I hoped I was going to hear.  There is no "working this out", it is so final...

I keep thinking of the future we had planned, of the things we were gonna do together.  I still can't wait for him to get home at night - I love our life, minus the one piece that was fundamentally missing.  He still makes me happy, I feel at ease when he walks through the door.  It's like I am complete when he is here. He has assured me that he will not walk away and I believe him.  I know he is a good person and I know he will work hard at being a father to his kids.  

But I am still at that point of devastation where all day long I reflect on the past, grieve for the future...I can't stop thinking how much I love him and how I won't have him here with me anymore.  It's almost like death - I don't hate him and I don't want him out, but I know it's inevitable. I don't want to be a single parent.  I never signed up for that.  And I can't cry in front of the kids, can't call my parents...only 1 person knows and unfortunately all I want to do is talk it over...I don't have many close friends to hang with and all I see is a life of loneliness, cause he was my best friend, the one I did everything with.

I know this is so very hard on him.  He said he just wants to be normal - I am everything he wants but we don't have that sexual spark that is so important in a marriage.  He wanted to tell me now so we could deal with it - so I would have a future of happiness before we became bitter.  But what do I do when all I want is him?  I don't want him sharing his life with anyone else.  And what if he does find someone before me?  And I am so scared to date...I have never dated anyone else, ever...what if it ends up worse than it is now?  Like I said we are so happy - minus the sex...there is no guarantee my new life will bring me everything.

I would really like for him to stay for a while, while we work things out - ease into the idea that he will be out of the house.  He feels it is healthier for us to separate sooner rather than later and begin a new norm...anyone have any advice on this?    


Fri Jul 7 2:31 pm  #2

Re: Does it really get better?

Omg KM...the emotions you write about could fit into my heart too. So much of what you write resonates with me...

"" I don't want to start again....Waves of dread, sadness, anger wash over me all day long....There is no "working this out", it is so final... It's like I am complete when he is here. He has assured me that he will not walk away and I believe him ""
I do believe it takes time. Not to heal but to understand exactly what is happening to you, where it fits in the world 
as you know it....and to realise this will make you stronger. 
I wish I could wrap my arms around you...straight-spouse tears together for support *hugs*

*between a rock and a hard place*

Fri Jul 7 2:57 pm  #3

Re: Does it really get better?

Hi KM,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It sounds very confusing, sad, and upsetting.  We're a good place for you to come and pour your emotions out.  We get where you're at, and how difficult it can be to process all of this.

You've said that you (two) were so happy - except for the sex.  It may have been true for you, but it might not have been true for him.  Distant usually means unhappy.  Wanting to separate means that he wants to move on from this life because he is unhappy.  That doesn't mean that any of that unhappiness is YOUR fault, though.  It's due to him being gay and you being a straight female who can't be the male that he wants.  And you shouldn't have to be.

The impasse here (it seems) is that only one of you gets to be happy at a time.  If you're happy with him staying, he's unhappy.  If he's happy with leaving, then you're unhappy.  There is no way to make this work so that you're both happy and fulfilled simultaneously.  It's just the nature of this issue.  If you view your happiness only being available to you if you stay married to and living with him, then you are of course seeing a life of unhappiness stretched out far ahead of you.  No wonder you're panicked, sad, angry and upset.  Anyone would be.  You feel like you're losing your marriage AND your best friend.  The person who helps you through trials in life is the one causing this one, and he can't help you through it.  So you feel abandoned, too.  Betrayed.  That's natural.

The truth is that being with that ONE person is NOT the only way to ever be happy again.  I myself am divorced from my gay ex, and remarried.  And even though I have a wonderful relationship now and sometimes think of how devastated and upset I'd be if something were to happen to him, I know that he is not the ONLY person on the planet who I could ever experience happiness with.  It feels that way, but that's just not true.  It is possible to have something wonderful and lose it, and still experience a wonderful love again.

Dating is an adventure - that's for sure.  But it's not a BAD thing, necessarily.  I looked at it as more of an adventure when I was doing it.  I had fun.  I also had frustration and confusion and some anger - just like every other aspect of my life.  But I had a wonderful time when I met my current husband.  We still have a blast.  I don't miss my ex one bit for a single moment for years now.  I would never have though that could be possible when I was still married to him.  The lifestyle change and getting to know someone seemed like a daunting task when I was facing it.  But it didn't wind up being bad.  It was interesting, adventurous, challenging, exciting and comical - all at once.  I never felt in danger or scared or truly upset.  I learned a lot, and it was all invaluable knowledge for my next (current) relationship.  I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

It DOES get better.  You don't have to like that your marriage is ending.  But please don't romanticize staying, either.  You can't unring that bell.


Last edited by Kel (Sat Jul 8 5:25 pm)

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Fri Jul 7 3:52 pm  #4

Re: Does it really get better?

Thank you both for your replies.  I am so thankful for this site. I cannot express how comforting it is to know other people can relate to you.  Ellexoh - virtual hug right back at you.

Kel, you hit the nail on the head regarding the impasse.  Thank you for your wise words regarding a life ahead of me...I pray that I experience happiness in this journey and that I am stronger because of it. Grieving the loss of my husband and best friend IS the worst part of it...although we will try to remain friends, there is never a guarantee.    


     Thread Starter

Sun Jul 9 8:13 pm  #5

Re: Does it really get better?

KM wrote:

KM....My partner and I have talked about how one of us will always lose out if we stay together. It's so 
confusing. Separated..I feel I'll have nothing, and he will have it all. Yes yes I can hear you say it "no!
that's wrong...." but if he takes my will indeed be true.
Sometimes I feel like a limpet on 
a rock, hanging on for dear life. 
I'm not ready to break away.....and don't know if I ever will be  

*between a rock and a hard place*

Mon Jul 10 6:01 am  #6

Re: Does it really get better?


Since we don't hear it often enough..

I just wanted to say yes it does get better.  While I sometimes miss my old married life and the person i thought i married being away from a lying and cheating spouse has been good..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Mon Jul 10 11:00 am  #7

Re: Does it really get better?

Hi KM, 

You've been dealt a difficult hand.  It's so hard to be in love with someone and have to let them go.  I completely understand the emotions you are dealing with..  the loss of your future and the feeling of it being a death.  Those are very accurate observations. 

I can tell you from my own experience that you are very fortunate to have an honest husband.  It's hard to separate and move apart and start your own individual life, but the emotions that come with a lying, cheating and hurtful partner are much worse.  So, while it's hard to see the silver lining right now, there is one.  You are at least dealing with someone who is respectful and caring and your process will be much easier because of it. 

I don't have experience falling in love again and starting a new marriage, but I know others (like Kel) who have said that things get much better when you have a full marriage that includes the kind of intimacy that should come in that relationship. 

The old phrase is always correct..  "Time heals all wounds".   The pain you are feeling will get better.  You will find happiness in the future, whether it be single or with someone else.  You can also look forward to a friendship and co-parenting relationship with your husband, which is a blessing.  

Keep sharing.. this is a great place to help process your emotions and get feedback from people who have walked your path.   

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


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