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Tue Oct 10 11:54 pm  #71

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

I haven't written in more than 6 weeks.  The most terrible of all things happened and I couldn't post about it.  My husband who was starting to come out and who I had asked to leave our house committed suicide on August 30th.  Our family is devastated.  I was so upset with him at the time about the questions about his sexuality that I now feel a tremendous amount of guilt.  I also feel a deep anger.  I mean he lied to me our whole marriage and was selfish and was a narcissist and had no empathy for me at all.  Then he did the ultimate FU and selfish act and did this.  I will eventually be ok, but what about my children.  What about his poor mom and his sister and all the other people who cared about him.  He came out to me, his sister and his best friend.  He had so many secrets and lies and I had asked so many questions.  I even asked him if he committed murder because he kept saying he had a "secret".  One of his friends said I think he would rather have murdered someone than be gay.  That is why he did this.  Now my children are left without their father and I wonder if they will ever recover.  How in the world could this have been the right decision?  I do think that in addition to being GID he was also very mentally ill.  Maybe the GID caused the mental breakdown or maybe they were just an unfortunate coincidence.  I found out recently that my husband's father was self medicating for Bi-polar before he passed away and that my husband had been diagnosed as "slightly" bipolar when he went to rehab.  I don't know anything for sure, but I know we have been through hell because of his choice.  I hope and pray we will be ok (more my girls than me, I'll be ok).  I didn't want to post here at first because of the awfulness of it all, but now I am wondering if anyone else has known someone who was GID and did this?  I have googled a little, but it shows more with teens than with adults.  I wish he would have been ok with being gay.  I am not homophobic at all and feel we could have co-existed (not married of course), but he could have been in a gay relationship and I would have been ok with it.  My heart is broken and I have such anger.  I just wanted to finally post here and see if anyone has any insight.... 


Wed Oct 11 6:14 am  #72

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

I"m so sorry, Josie, for the pain you're feeling, and for the wreck this man has made of your lives.  

Although my father was not GID, he did commit suicide (I was already an adult), and our family was told by a counselor that all those who are left feel guilt: it comes with the territory.  And yes, the act also feels like the "ultimate FU"; at times, however, I was able to tell myself that my father was psychologically ill and in pain--not in his right mind (my father was bipolar, and had paranoid delusions that he was being watched 24/7, even in the house).  For you, TGT adds an additional layer of confusion, guilt, and hurt to the confusion, guilt, and hurt that inevitably follows in the wake of a suicide.  

I have no insight on the question you asked, but I couldn't just pass over your post without saying how sorry I am for what you and your family are going through.  Please treat yourself kindly, and know that the decision to kill himself was his and his alone.  


Wed Oct 11 6:28 am  #73

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

I do not know someone who was GID and committed suicide but I do know of someone whose husband was GID and did.  Dr. Francine Barbetta wrote a book about her marriage called "A Pebble in His Shoe" and I read it several years ago when my GID was coming out of the closet. She is a psychologist with a practice in the Philadelphia area. Her website at has her contact information.

Unfortunately teen suicides are common so most schools have personnel trained to counsel their surviving classmates. Likely your children have individual counselors but if their schools have support groups for students their ages these might be helpful too,

I am glad that you chose to reach out to us and so sorry that you are going through this. Please do not be so strong for your children that you neglect your own emotions.



Wed Oct 11 7:39 am  #74

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....


A sincere prayer for you and your family.    I hope your kids don't feel any respnsibility.  How shocking..yet I think you knew your husband had other mental issues besides TGT ?

Do not beat yourself up.   No matter how hurt, angry and shocked we were about our spouses lies and TGT,   we  sometimes forget ..... they have their own issues/demons/problems  that  we cannot solve or help with.. at some point I feel they move beyond our grasp to help...either by pushing us away or hurting us so much that our fierce love for them simply cannot get through..   I hung on and tried so hard to get
my now ex to change her mind (pick me, stop, come back) and was so kind to her even when she was hurting and raging at me.    I know I could not have tried any harder.. and from what you wrote to us...neither could you have.

a kind e-hug 

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Wed Oct 11 2:20 pm  #75

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

I'm so sorry that you are in pain Josie, through no fault of your own. I have no experience of this but I hope you can heal and find peace in time.


Wed Oct 11 2:35 pm  #76

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

OH my God, Josie.  I'm SO sorry.  I gasped out loud when I read that he had taken his life.  I'm sure you are suffering greatly at the moment with so many confusing emotions - meanwhile, trying to comfort your kids.

The only positive thing I can say at this point is that he gets to always be a hero to the kids from now on.  My sister has gone through her narcissist dh constantly blowing the kids off and hurting them emotionally, and she's many times said, "God - it would be easier if he'd just died" (he too had tried repeatedly to commit suicide).  She said that he just keeps breaking their daughter's hearts - that if he'd died, they could talk about him in a way that made them forever fond of him.  Instead, he's this ghost that only comes around to hurt them.  Maybe since your kids never knew about his sexual confusion they'll just see him as a great dad to the very end.

This wasn't your fault.  He had to be in immense pain in order to feel that this was his only option.  And that pain was likely caused from him not being able to live without being authentic any longer, and at the same time not being able to see himself as accepting that reality.  He was and always has been in conflict with himself.  He could not accept himSELF, Josie.  That discomfort was too painful to keep bearing.  He was ill to have gotten to this point.  I totally get that you see this as a great big FU.  But that's not necessarily his motive at all.  I asked my sister's husband once what made him get to the point of trying to commit suicide when he'd done so a few months earlier - what was so bad that he wanted to end?  And he just said, "I thought that everyone would be better off without me."  It was never about him escaping - it was about him feeling so worthless that he felt he was a burden to them.

I don't know any other str8 spouses this has happened to.  But I do know plenty of people who've died via suicide.  They really did all want to die and escape the pain that they were in, and the pain they thought they were causing.  And those weren't even people with some huge secret that they thought was blowing up anyone's world.  Most times it was just plain old endless depression.

I'm so sorry, hon.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Wed Oct 11 2:50 pm  #77

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Hi Josie,

I don't have much to offer but wanted to send a hug.  How awful.  How awful for your kids.

Goodness I am not surprised you feel angry, I know how hard it is when you are that angry but it won't last and it is good for you.  The guilt you need to refute - you need to mount a self-defence and that's what the anger will help you with.  

I imagine a lot of your thoughts are centred around how to help your children and I just think, from the way you write that you will do an amazing job of that.  

wishing you all the best, Lily


Wed Oct 11 11:24 pm  #78

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

I'm so sorry to hear this news.  How awful!   Keep reaching out when you can.  Offering sincere thoughts and care,


Thu Oct 12 6:11 am  #79

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

The Matha Lawson post appears to be SPAM but I don't see a way to reach the Administrators to get it removed.


Thu Oct 12 6:19 am  #80

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Oh Josie,
I’m SO sorry, how horrific.  Please remember, this is absolutely not your fault. Keeping you and your children in my thoughts, and hoping you all find peace.



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