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Sun Aug 20 12:08 am  #61


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Josie,
My ex-husband would say, "I'm gay, I'm bi, NO! I'm Not gay!  I'm not!  Why aren't you listening to me?  I'm gay."  It's a horrible struggle.  Many spouses here will never have their gay spouse admit to being gay.  Mine did.  It took him almost 25 years to admit it to me, though.

 

Sun Aug 20 4:56 am  #62


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

So sorry this week has been so awful. My partner also did the confused thing telling me he's definitely straight, then straight but bisexual towards 'shemales' (?!) then that he wasn't 'fully gay', then straight again, he will not admit he's gay despite listing himself as bi on transsexual dating sites advertising for transvestites or twinks (twinks are men (so are transvestites) so how is that not gay?!). Now he's back into sex with women (only me mind you and no I'm not interested!). Not to throw more confusion into your life but is there any hint of crossdressing? When he said he was the opposite of gay and a fraud it just rang something in my mind. I'm not intending to make this harder but if you are still going over what he means all the time maybe it's just worth a passing consideration.

Apart from all that though, good for you for acknowledging you are done, lots and lots of good wishes for your next moves, in the long run you will be ok.

Last edited by Duped (Sun Aug 20 4:58 am)

 

Sun Aug 20 10:57 pm  #63


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Duped, I haven't thought that or seen any sign of it at all, but at this point nothing would shock me.  He is still telling me that there are things that he wishes he could tell me but can't so who really knows.  I have really had it.  He has moved out.  He's staying at his sister's right now.  My girls were so sad when he told them, but then once he left we have really just been carrying on.  It's still hard.  I know I'm done, but at the same time all of it seems surreal.  Oh, one other thing.  He told his sister he was confused about his sexuality.  I'm thinking no way he would tell her if not true.  She texted me last night worried about me and said he has been talking in circles with her too.  The hardest part is when I'm with him he tells me different thing each time and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing by "being done" and wanting him to move out.  I need the courage and strength to stick to my guns and not go back to this craziness.  I think someone said something like "I'm on a roller coaster ride that I need to get off".  That is exactly how I feel.  

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Aug 21 2:05 am  #64


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

I think most of us understand what you say by talking in circles, I definitely do, it's mindbending. Yes you need to stay out now, is there something you can identify that you know will stop you going back? Mine was to tell my mum - I could never go back after that, that's just me.

I wish you all the best, as is often said here, you may never get the truth and that is hard to deal with.

 

Mon Aug 21 10:26 am  #65


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Josie,

This is not uncommon.  It's like they try to come out with the truth, but once the words leave their lips it becomes too big a reality for them.  They can go round and round like this for a while - maybe forever.  But don't believe for a moment that he told you what he thought you wanted to hear.  No woman wants to hear that he husband is gay.  That's just..... ridiculous.  NO straight man would ever offer that excuse up as a way to just give his wife an explanation.  EVER.

The man is gay.  Just because he's scared for that to be the truth doesn't mean it's not his truth.  He may still want you, but that doesn't make him not gay.  He clearly sees "gay" as meaning that the two of you cannot continue a relationship (and rightfully so).  When he becomes panicked at that reality, he takes back the only thing that he thinks can be the true nail in the coffin.  He figures if he takes that off the table, he still has the option to make the choice to want to be with you.  He can't just take the gay thing off the table and then have the relationship automatically be repairable.  But I believe that's what he's believing.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Mon Aug 21 5:54 pm  #66


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Kel, This is exactly what I thought, but needed to hear from someone.  I did say that to him.  I said who would ever say that if it wasn't true?  And he certainly wouldn't tell his sister!  

Also Duped, I did tell my mom (love how you say "mum") on Saturday as well as a good friend and then today told my sister.  Telling people has made me feel so much better.  I do think this will help me stay strong.  Although both my mom and sister were both very supportive of whatever choice I made, both asked if we would try to work it out.  I said if he is gay then no!  I don't want to be married to a gay man!   I guess that bugged me a little because I was thinking would either one of them stay married to a gay man?  My friend on the other hand was like I have someone I can set you up with!  LOL, not ready for that yet!

Also he definitely took it back because he still wants to be with me.  I have told him to move out and today (we live in an area that had the total eclipse today - very cool) he texted and asked if he could come to the house to watch it with my parents and I.  My parents had come because their house is not quite in it.  I said no, it is too awkward.  He sends this pitiful text that says, I just wanted you to know I wanted to be there with you.  I said I don't need stress of you being here.  Then he said -I keep trying to make it better and I make it worse..... It's like the hovering thing I have read about.  He can't seem to realize that I am done and don't want him here!

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Aug 22 5:01 am  #67


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Josie,

"..said I don't need stress of you being here. .."


Yeah at some point it became more stressful coming home then anything else.. would I find her girlfriend there, would she scream and rage at me (because my being alive was my offense).   This is when I knew we were done and over.

There is nothing really they can do or say..there are no take backs. ..they broke so many taboos and vows and promises. For me there was no takeback..just a pig headed arrogance that what she was doing was ok...cheating and lying was ok ..it followed then that hurting me was morally ok.  It was an alternate reality.a nightmare.


I say good for you for setting your boundaries.   I maintain locked doors and no contact to this day.   I thank God for getting me away.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Tue Aug 22 1:40 pm  #68


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

You may have to begin to limit contact, Josie.  I realize that in yesterday's situation, if you hadn't responded, he may have just shown up, saying that you didn't say no.  So a no was definitely necessary.  But beyond that, stop giving him a sounding board.  If you don't reply, he has no choice but to think that you either never got the message, or that you don't care (or are too busy) to respond.  And that's exactly what you want.  Nothing drives home "I don't want to be with you" like completely ignoring the person.  It's very difficult to do - especially in the beginning.  But it becomes easier - and even satisfying.  It will start to feel like "I'M in control of when we speak, not YOU."

For most men (I guess all people really, but even moreso for men), maintaining contact with them tells them that the door is still open.  You may see the contact as being negative feedback, but they won't see it that way.  They want interaction with you, and they're getting it.  If you want to show someone just how little they mean to you, not responding is pretty up there.  The opposite of love isn't hate - it's apathy.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Aug 22 3:44 pm  #69


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Yes, Kel, this is going to be a real struggle.  Last night he wanted to come hang out with my younger daughter while I took the older one somewhere.  I said yes, but thought he would limit it to when we were actually gone.  Instead he showed up 20 minutes before we left and lingered for a little bit after we got back (we were gone over 2 hours so it wasn't like he didn't get enough time).  He's calling again today saying he wants to see them tonight.  I told him no because the younger one has soccer and the older one will have a lot of homework.  The problem is he is staying with his sister 45 minutes away so I can't exactly get them there.  There's not time for all that with homework, sports, etc.  He's acting all pitiful, which is how he gets his way with me.  I talked to my therapist today and she said I need to let go of the guilt.  She said to set boundaries, etc.  I think we will go to our couples therapist this week for the sole purpose of having a conversation around the boundaries that I need.  This is hard.  The guilt trip is killing me  It's the opposite of what Rob had going on which is hard too.  I can't imagine someone treating me like that when they were the one in the wrong!  Ugh!  These selfish, selfish people!

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Aug 22 4:10 pm  #70


Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Set up a visitation schedule, pronto.  It's too chaotic otherwise.  Your kids don't need all this volatility, either.

No guilt.  Doesn't help a bit.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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