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Sat Jul 1 11:06 pm  #1


Ways to get her to get out of the closet

Once that happens, she can keep walking straight out the front door... and I won't cry a tear. (Dealing with her NPD has used all those up). I've had my suspicions of her true orientation for a while now. She has parents with high standards who would have a hard time accepting her revelation.
       Additionally, over the past few years her NPD went pretty much full time...  whereas at one time it was kept hidden as much as possible now it's on display regularly...so I have dealt with all that incredibly painful stuff -- scapegoating, smearing, projection, illogical circular thinking designed to cloud discussions, realizing the woman I married was just an actress playing a role... my marriage a piece of fiction poorly written.

So if there are ideas to encourage her to come out, or ways to get hard evidence of her deceit-- I'm all ears!

 

Sun Jul 2 12:29 am  #2


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

Hi Steddiecat, I can so relate to running out of tears, that happened to me to, he used up all the free love.  I found that the best thing I did was decide I didn't need my ex to admit he was gay and I didn't need to get 'smoking gun' proof either - I knew he was gay and I wasn't going to question my conviction any further.  Not in my thoughts, not with him.

That cuts out some of the circular conversation.

I  had a panic attack at the thought of going home one day and went to the doctor who referred me for counselling and the woman I saw gave me a useful bit of advice - she suggested I ask him if he were bisexual instead of asking if he were gay and it worked.  He talked about being bisexual for two weeks - it meant he was special, that he had a choice and it was none of my business - before changing his mind again - it was enough to have my own proof, tho nothing I could present to others.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (Sun Jul 2 12:34 am)

 

Sun Jul 2 12:33 am  #3


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

I doubt anyone will come out of the closet unwillingly. If orientation is the big secret, it will be protected at all costs until she is ready to reveal it. If you are not happy it's fair for you to suggest counseling. That will help you determine how committed to the relationship she is and what your options are. The only evidence you need are your feelings towards the mistreatment and abuse you've received.

 

Sun Jul 2 10:09 pm  #4


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

If she is an abusive and narcissistic person, why do you need her to come out of the closet to move on with your life?  If she is a closet lesbian she probably won't come out until she finds a woman to pull her out.  You won't likely be able to do it. 

I'm normally a proponent of marriage and I don't like advising divorce.  But if you've already checked out of the relationship because she treats you horribly, then you might as well just move on with your life. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Mon Jul 3 3:15 am  #5


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

phoenix wrote:

If she is an abusive and narcissistic person, why do you need her to come out of the closet to move on with your life?   
 

This may be less than perfect logic… But I think friends, acquaintances and family (mostly conservative) who she has manipulated, would not find it so easy to accept her assertions that I am chiefly responsible for the marital strife. I don't think I'm gonna lose much sleep if they ever come around to grasping the truth -- but still, the sound of those people giving a  collective sigh... and saying "Oh, I see" would be satisfying.
       One reason I have felt compelled to stay in the marriage is to protect my sons... i believe the role she tries designating for me -- the "scapegoat" -- would be transferred to one of them if I was around less. There always has to be "something or someone" she can blame for her misery

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Jul 3 5:35 am  #6


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

Steddiecat- 

I recognize the phase of this your'e in. The off the charts anger consumed me and even after I threw my Gay lying (malignant narrcissist) husband out the front door a year and a half ago, I can still conjure up that same anger on a moment's notice. What these types do is real dirty and clearly brutal. It's easy to hate them all for it. They have no integrity. I fumed every single night-therapy or not. 

All of that anger threw me into severe panic attacks a couple of months ago. It seemed I had no where to put it. After all, it seemed mine got away with taking almost 50 years of my life away on a lie. I couldn't believe he got away with it and even took my kids with him because he convinced them he's not "really" Gay but I am crazy for imagining he is. His Gay lover called me to tell me they had a 16 year affair and I was in their way. 

The reality was that due to all this anger, I was now in the emergency room with a pulse that went from 88 to 157 and then dropping to 57 beats all within a minute at age 66. My heart was pounding so hard it moved my entire upper torso. I almost blacked out completely. I finally realized that he was getting away with far too much if he could do this to me. The price was too high and it meant he was taking even more time from me. I came home from the hospital realizing if I let go of the anger, he would have failed and lost his control over me and my life. 50 years is enough and I moved on. Finally. Don't let the anger do this to you. They've stolen enough from us. Just get away as fast as you can. 

Big hug to you. I understand completely

Last edited by Judy (Mon Jul 3 5:39 am)

 

Wed Jul 5 12:30 am  #7


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

lily wrote:

Hi Steddiecat, I can so relate to running out of tears, that happened to me to, he used up all the free love.  I found that the best thing I did was decide I didn't need my ex to admit he was gay and I didn't need to get 'smoking gun' proof either - I knew he was gay and I wasn't going to question my conviction any further.  Not in my thoughts, not with him.

That cuts out some of the circular conversation.

I  had a panic attack at the thought of going home one day and went to the doctor who referred me for counselling and the woman I saw gave me a useful bit of advice - she suggested I ask him if he were bisexual instead of asking if he were gay and it worked.  He talked about being bisexual for two weeks - it meant he was special, that he had a choice and it was none of my business - before changing his mind again - it was enough to have my own proof, tho nothing I could present to others.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 
Thank you Lily -- I like the thoughts you mentioned regarding asking if they are bisexual.

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Jul 5 12:40 am  #8


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

Daryl wrote:

I doubt anyone will come out of the closet unwillingly. If orientation is the big secret, it will be protected at all costs until she is ready to reveal it. If you are not happy it's fair for you to suggest counseling. That will help you determine how committed to the relationship she is and what your options are. The only evidence you need are your feelings towards the mistreatment and abuse you've received.

 
Thanks Daryl,
    i appreciate you taking the time to advise!

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Jul 5 12:56 am  #9


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

Judy wrote:

Steddiecat- 

I recognize the phase of this your'e in. The off the charts anger consumed me and even after I threw my Gay lying (malignant narrcissist) husband out the front door a year and a half ago, I can still conjure up that same anger on a moment's notice. What these types do is real dirty and clearly brutal. It's easy to hate them all for it. They have no integrity. I fumed every single night-therapy or not. 

All of that anger threw me into severe panic attacks a couple of months ago. It seemed I had no where to put it. After all, it seemed mine got away with taking almost 50 years of my life away on a lie. I couldn't believe he got away with it and even took my kids with him because he convinced them he's not "really" Gay but I am crazy for imagining he is. His Gay lover called me to tell me they had a 16 year affair and I was in their way. 

The reality was that due to all this anger, I was now in the emergency room with a pulse that went from 88 to 157 and then dropping to 57 beats all within a minute at age 66. My heart was pounding so hard it moved my entire upper torso. I almost blacked out completely. I finally realized that he was getting away with far too much if he could do this to me. The price was too high and it meant he was taking even more time from me. I came home from the hospital realizing if I let go of the anger, he would have failed and lost his control over me and my life. 50 years is enough and I moved on. Finally. Don't let the anger do this to you. They've stolen enough from us. Just get away as fast as you can. 

Big hug to you. I understand completely

 
Judy, Thanks for your understanding and the advice about anger... it brings to mind a quote from Shakespeare (I think😇) ... something like "heat not the furnace for your foe so hot that it singes yourself".

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Jul 5 1:17 pm  #10


Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

You can't get her out of the closet.  You could shout from the rooftops that she's gay, but unless you're willing to show them pictures and screenshots, she'll just tell them all that you're crazy, or vindictive.  People believe what they want to believe.

The good news is that family of individuals with NPD know that their loved one isn't all that they portray themselves to be.  The NPD didn't start when they met you, after all; they've had it all along.  Family have likely been the victims before, and they know deep down that something's "off" with her.  All you'd need to say to them is that your wife's narcissism has gotten in the way of you all being a happy, healthy family unit.  And that in your opinion it's best for the kids not to be steeped in that type of dysfunction.  If that doesn't help them understand, then nothing will.  There are plenty of narcissists out there who aren't gay, and their spouses still have good reason for divorcing.

In the end, things usually right themselves.  Narcissists may portray you to be crazy or horrible in order to appear wonderful to their loved ones.  But in the end, people figure it out.  My BIL is a raging narcissist, and after he went off the deep end with some of his antics, my sister has retained all of his family and their friends - even when the friendship originated with him - because they understand that she's been worked over by this man.  He has done some incredibly horrific things, but it's still her word against his.  And people believe her - because they can sense truth.  His family still loves him, but they know the truth now.

It all comes out in the wash, as the saying goes.  It may take time.  My ex fed my family lies without me knowing about it, and he made me look like the bad guy and him as the victim.  I was so upset with my family for believing all of that - hadn't I always been a decent, kind, steady, loving person?  How could they believe that I'd morphed into a monster that they didn't know?  In the end, it all worked out.  He still attempts to contact them occasionally - he usually does it to several family members all at once - like a bombardment.  They just don't respond to him.  Now they know what he was attempting to do.  And that I really am the person they knew all along.  I don't think anything like that could ever happen again.  It took time, but I'm so glad I didn't stay with my ex just to not have to walk through that fire.  What seemed overwhelming at that time seems like small potatoes now - and now I'm happily remarried and in a healthy relationship.  It was all worth it.  I had to freaking tear off my own arm to get out of the trap.  I did it, and I'm so glad I did.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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