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Sat Jul 1 10:19 am  #1

Daughters and Sons, in their own relationships

Abby, Lily, Lake Breeze,

Your discussion, on Sean's thread, has me thinking:  I don't believe that we have discussed the topic of what issues our children might have, in regards to being able to make a deep connection with a future partner.  I'm wondering if we could brainstorm ways to help them?  Possibly things learned in counseling?  My children have, indeed, grown up lacking the deep affection that a healthy father could share.  Because my children's father was detached and depressed, his attention was focused inward.  Covering up his secret was all-encompassing.  That does not a healthy father make.  A person who loves him/herself makes the healthiest parent.  Our GID spouses were in the closet because they felt unloved:  by themselves, by their families, by a scary society.  Someone who cannot accept the core of themselves cannot be the best parent possible.  They live a deceitful life.  They can think, as my ex did, that they are good parents.  My ex tried to be a good dad, just as he tried to be a good husband.  We all know how that painful disaster plays out.

Because I couldn't figure out what was "off", much of my attention was spent trying to figure out how to solve a problem, but I had no idea what the problem was.   That has affected the way I was a mother, and that is cause of deep sadness & regret for me.  Plus, my children have not grown up experiencing a healthy marriage. 

We all know we cannot go back and change the past.  How do we help our children, now?  I am encouraging my oldest to go to counseling.  She is getting close to wanting that, for herself.

There are not enough counselors out their (I haven't found one who specializes in the family relationship part of this GID struggle) who truly understand our struggle.  Perhaps, we can help each other uncover common topics that need to be processed.  

I am hoping this thread will help us try to better understand the following:
1.  What relationship issues are common, in children who grew up with a GID parent?
2.  What has helped them heal from those issues? 

My heart hurts for my children.  Blaming the GID spouse or straight spouse won't help, though we all have a right to our well-deserved and very deep anger ("Deep" does not begin to describe the anger).  I know processing that anger is important; our children have anger, too.  How can we help our children, in terms of future relationships?  So many people grow up in dysfunctional families, for many different reasons.  So many people look for love in all the wrong places, resulting in trying to soothe/feel better through drugs, alcohol, sex, work addiction, avoidance...  Our GID family issues are horribly specific and differ from other issues.  How can our children learn how to have healthy relationships, as they mature?  I think it's possible, but the issues cannot be ignored.


Last edited by jkpeace (Sat Jul 1 11:39 am)


Sat Jul 1 4:18 pm  #2

Re: Daughters and Sons, in their own relationships

I question the use of counsellors.  Once they have a secure home and don't need to go outside it to have a voice, then I think the dangers a counsellor could represent outweigh the unlikely hope that you find one that actually really does understand.

There is nothing truer than children learn from example.  You're giving them a good example to follow.  You're showing them that love matters, honesty matters, mental health matters.  This will stand them in good stead.

I think it is important to be honest about the whole gay thing.  The emotionality is different to straight - the gay child is caught between a parent who loves them but isn't clued into them and a parent who is clued into them but is pretending not to be.  The straight child gets a parent who loves them and is clued into them and a parent who isn't clued in and unavailable anyway.  Everyone except the GID is getting confused and we all know how badly a GID reacts when they feel their closet is being threatened.  even by an innocent child.  

I think in terms of the future relationships for the children there is no fix - it's happened, they have grown up with an emotionally unavailable parent and this makes them vulnerable to accepting emotionally abusive treatment from that gender as they don't know what good treatment feels like to make the comparison.  The healing happens when they form a relationship and get good treatment and so you don't want to stop them but you know they are vulnerable.     Being aware helps, being trustworthy helps and you are providing this in spades - you can look out for them and hope they will bring anyone they are interested in home for you to meet. 

hope that helps, all the best, Lily



Sat Jul 1 4:38 pm  #3

Re: Daughters and Sons, in their own relationships

I essentially second everything Lily just said.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

Tue Jul 4 6:13 am  #4

Re: Daughters and Sons, in their own relationships


This is one thing I am struggling also with.  I am leaving my GIDH because I want my two sons to grow up in a healthy home and to show them that is not okay for a woman to suffer in a relationship/marriage.  That both partners need to be happy, healthy and in love.

I took my eldest to a therapist who engages with him through playing.  It is amazing how much of his frustrations she picked up and also discovered stuff that my husband told him that I had no idea about.  But best off all, he learns to be the boss of his own emotions and happiness and to make "clever plans" when his heart is unhappy.  He loves this and it is a great help since our communication can be so open now.  My kids are very small though and I think the way forward will be by example and regular talks.  They are way too small to understand TGT now.  I decided when that question pops up I will be honest with them and leave it up to them to learn and understand it bit by bit.

I think most importantly is to teach your child that it is important that the person he is with will accept, understand, respect and love him.  I also try to build their self confidence and self worth.  Hopefully, that will be enough for them to choose better than I did. And when they have to deal with this issues, that they will find a stronger place within themselves.  I try to be accessible and never freak out when they tell me something or do something wrong.  That way they will be comfortable to approach me with anything - I hope...

Hope to hear from others who has gone through this already.

Mrs Lonely


Tue Jul 4 7:50 am  #5

Re: Daughters and Sons, in their own relationships

Mrs Lonely  (but alone is ok),

That sounds like a good therapist for your kid.    

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Tue Jul 4 9:42 am  #6

Re: Daughters and Sons, in their own relationships

She is amazing


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