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Tue Jun 27 11:10 am  #1


So new to this

Reading the posts here have made me feel validated and like I'm not alone. My husband left me 7 weeks ago in a whirlwind of confusing rage. It was sudden and the entire exit/fight/move happened in less than 48 hours time. He took his four biological children with him. I had no idea this was going to happen, nor did they. It has been devastating for all of us. I feel jaded, lost, betrayed, lonely and confused. He wants to remain best friends. He even said he wants to stay lovers. He was Fridays with our relationship (apparently) and said he had to get out so he wouldn't cheat. He's come out to many of his friends and some family but isn't completely out. I feel like I just got sucked into a black hole. He's shifting back and forth between being sorry and saying this is my fault. Is this normal? I really don't know what's safe anymore. How do I trust anyone? I thought things were fine. He seemed so happy. I tried so hard.

 

Tue Jun 27 12:48 pm  #2


Re: So new to this

Hi Aucher,

I'm sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us.  This is the right place for you.

So,.... I take it that the children are not biologically yours?  They're his from a previous relationship(s)?  Unless you really didn't like the children or didn't like parenting, I'm sure that's just as devastating to you as he himself leaving.

NONE of this is YOUR fault.  Zero.  Your husband may think he's noble for leaving "before he could cheat".  But how, exactly, does putting yourself in another home mean you're not cheating on your spouse?  You just declare that you're done, you move out, and within 48 hours you can f*ck whomever you want?  You're not his GIRLfriend - you're his WIFE.  It's VERY disrespectful to declare your relationship over and then start moving on while the other person is standing surrounded by the wreckage of the destruction you've caused.  There is nothing kind about it in the least.  Personally, I think that he's just left so that he can do what he wants more freely without having to worry about hiding it from you.

And what's with him wanting to be bff's?  Is this something a person would expect from their bff???  No.  I've treated enemies less poorly.  And LOVERS?  Why?  If he still loves you, wants to be friends, and shares a home and a life with you, and still wants sex from you, then WHY would he need to leave?  Something's off there.  He's just trying to placate you so that things don't go poorly for him.  Maybe so you don't tell people what he's done.  Maybe so the divorce goes the way he wants it to, monetarily.  Watch your back.  Don't trust what he says at this point.  This didn't happen overnight - you don't just wake up one day think, "I might like men.  Huh."  And then up and move out.  This has been something he's been hiding for a loooooong time - longer than he's known you, in all liklihood.  And again - I don't buy that he's not had experience in this area.  Men don't just wake up one day and decide that they ARE gay.  They try it.  They like it. They grapple with it for years.  They go do more of it.  This was not created in a vacuum - he knows because he HAS been cheating.

So he's telling you that it's YOUR fault?  Yeah - that IS normal, unfortunately.  They blame you because they can't handle facing the truth about who and what they are.  So they throw the blame elsewhere and you're the only reasonable scapegoat.  What's he saying you've done to be worthy of this breakup?

Don't think this is because you didn't try hard enough.  Despite what it feels like, this has nothing to do with you.  This isn't about you not being attractive enough or trying hard enough.  This is about you not having a penis.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (Tue Jun 27 12:52 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Jun 27 1:46 pm  #3


Re: So new to this

Before we married each other, he did tell me that he is bi. He told me that after his ex wife and before me, he had experimented with two different men and also had been with women. I believed him. I figured his honesty with me was genuine.

While he was leaving, he kept screaming at me that I was hiding something from him and he couldn't be with someone who was so manipulating and controlling. I asked him what I was manipulating and controlling and he couldn't give a solid example. He just kept screaming at me and making absurd accusations that I was doing something terrible to him. He said he'd asked me for a year to change my tone of voice with him- which he had. He said that I was passive aggressive and it drove him insane... But he seemed so happy. I didn't know or recognize the tone he was talking about and when I asked him to help me understand he'd just spiral into a verbally abusive rage. It was so odd. Even the kids would get confused, saying they didn't know why he was acting so angry towards me.

Of course I am not perfect and I had my share of downfalls, but I am also very aware of what I brought to the table, and this should not have happened.

The kids went into shock. They are not mine biologically, but I love and care for them as if they were. Two of them had lived with us for a year and a half as a result of their own mother abandoning them. They grew to trust me as their mom and many of their friends did not know that I was their step mother and not their biological mother. One of them is staying with me and has been here for the past 4 weeks. His dad shoved him out late one night because he said he hated living in their new apartment and wanted to be home. His dad slammed the door and locked it in his face. He showed up on my doorstep with nothing. He's now been pushed out by both parents. Thank goodness I still live close by- he moved within our same gated community!
My husband, three days after he moved out, called and confessed that he's gay. He said he got high and realized it all at once- the weed revealed it to him. More specifically he says he is primarily gay, but ultimately a bi trans female living and presenting as male. He all of a sudden came clean about his past affairs from his previous marriage. Many of them were men. I actually do believe he did not cheat on me. This is all just so much. I'm having a hard time processing.

My husband said that he told me what I needed to change in order to move forward with him but that I refused to do it. I never refused anything, but tried so hard to accommodate everything he asked for. In the end it was a total fail. I feel utterly worthless. I can't imagine why he would do this. And, if he is bi- why in the world would it matter if I'm a woman? There are ways to accommodate such issues. It's all so odd.

I'm sorry if this all seems jumbled together. I feel very often these days that I can't quite think straight.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Jun 27 1:53 pm  #4


Re: So new to this

By the way- he's telling everyone we broke up over communication issues.

I don't think he's told his family and personal friends that it was just a communication issue. I think he's playing the "she's a controlling manipulator" card with them, but I can't be sure.

Nothing makes sense.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Jun 27 2:03 pm  #5


Re: So new to this

Hi Aucher. 

Welcome to our family.  I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  You will find a wealth of experience, advice, and compassion.  We are here for you!

Please feel free to post as much or as little as you are comfortable with.  Just the act of typing and sharing your feelings is very therapeutic and good for you.  But, know that you are in shock and could benefit from a real professional councilor... so keep that idea open. 


It sounds to me like your husband is mentally imbalanced.  This can happen amid the stress of "coming out" and coming to grips with his true sexuality.  Know this..  None of this is your fault.  You will find that when people feel ashamed of their actions they often "deflect" blame on the other party to make them feel better.. to help justify themselves in their own mind.  This is what your husband is doing right now.  He will continue to lie about the cause of your split until he is completely comfortable coming out of the closet publicly.  But this might never actually happen.. so don't be shocked if he continues making up lies. 

Consider finding an attorney to start learning about your state's laws for divorce if/when it comes to that.  You are best off to be prepared. 

Let us know how we can help.. and keep posting!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

"Horribly, the only way through it..... is through it."
-CajunBelle
 

Tue Jun 27 2:42 pm  #6


Re: So new to this

So sorry you're here Aucher. Him declaring he's a bi, trans female presenting as a male is as absurd as it gets - he can't know what a female feels like, he probably has some feelings that he thinks are female but obviously he can't claim to be female, or actually know how females think or feel, because he's not one. Anyway that's aside. I'm sure you realise there's no coming back from these revelations, please use this forum for support and take your time as you try to come to terms with what has happened.

Last edited by Duped (Tue Jun 27 2:43 pm)

 

Tue Jun 27 11:17 pm  #7


Re: So new to this

I'm wondering if I will ever quit hating myself.

As I type this, I know my husband is out having fun with two women with whom he shares a common interest: photography. Ironically, it is also our common interest. He may or may not bring one of them home to sleep with tonight.

The ugly truth that I don't want to admit is that I'm jealous. I'm jealous and I'm heartbroken. He's supposed to be my best friend. He wouldn't go out with me late at night because he was always too tired from work or he had some excuse about not wanting to leave the kids home... I just don't get it.

I hate myself because he doesn't want me. I hate myself because he quit being my friend. I hate myself because I want to spend time with this man I fell in love with and married but he's busy loving his life of newfound freedom while I stay back and raise his kid. He left here saying he wanted to be a good dad, and none of his kids want anything to do with him because of the way he lashes out in anger. I don't understand!

How common is the anger?!

Why didn't he go do this fun stuff with me? Seriously- what is wrong with me that he couldn't stay?

He keeps saying he has no empathy...I actually believe him. I am dieing inside every minute that he doesn't choose me. This is a torturous hell and I live it every single day.

Please tell me this stops. Please tell me that the excruciating, soul-crushing pain goes away.

HOW LONG?!

And what in the world is wrong with me?

Why... Am I not enough?

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Jun 28 1:55 am  #8


Re: So new to this

Aucher, you are TOO good for him. The needs he is succumbing to and his entire behaviour reveals that he is utterly flawed and the failure is his. You may never understand what has happened or been happening in his mind but as someone else here said before that is because you are not warped in this way and that is a blesssing!

Please be gentle with yourself, time will help you see that you are far better off without this man. Please look after YOURSELF.

 

Wed Jun 28 5:20 am  #9


Re: So new to this

Oh Aucher, my heart breaks for you, this is a horrendous stage you're at.

Please, please believe this is NOT about you, it's all about him. His behaviour says a lot about him and nothing at all about you. As Duped says you're far too good for him. You're in shock, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and day by day the shock will ease ever so slightly and you'll see you're still alive. You'll survive this, it takes time and huge resolve. You're not to blame, you're not lacking in anything, you're not not enough, you're too much, too good for that behaviour. Would you really like to be one of those women he'd just take home for the night, the odd time? You're better than that. You say as you typed he was out having fun, know that that's probably all a front, if he's so confused about his orientation he's not having genuine fun, he's using them a shields too!

Have you someone to talk to in your real life? Have you seen a doctor? Perhaps to help you sleep, sleep is so vital at this stage, everything else is so much harder if you're not getting enough sleep. Build your support network, you need to speak your truth, whether or not he wants you to speak of it is not your concern, if you need to talk to people then that's what you have to do to protect yourself. In my early days I wore the ears off two very good friends, they never stopped me or bored of me offloading, I'd have been lost without them. Still to this day (19mths post TGT) I find times I'm still shocked and still raw, they still listen and engage with me. You deserve to have someone there for you, not him, solely for your needs. Keep posting too, I'm sorry I didn't find here sooner, it was over a year before I stumbled on this forum. Your priority now is you, look after yourself and be kind to yourself!


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

Wed Jun 28 5:26 am  #10


Re: So new to this

Aucher,

    It gets better.  It does.  You are in the grieving stage of loss.  Eventually you will begin to enter into the anger stage, and then you will be able to feel and understand that the problem isn't you, that there is nothing wrong with you, that you are an empathetic person that your husband didn't leave you because there was something wrong with you, but with him.  He has even told you what that is: he has no empathy.  He is unable to feel or to imaginatively project himself into others' situations.  It is his lack of empathy, his inability to feel or care about others, that allowed him to take you for granted.  
   That you feel insufficient and jealous is a result of his devaluing you.  He has set you up in a situation in which a vow of fidelity and love has devolved into a "choice," and you feel that you are insufficient because he hasn't "picked" you.   This is a situation made possible because he's presented himself to you as "bi."  If he'd said, "I'm gay," then there would be no question of "picking"  because your sexualities would be incompatible by definition.  The "bi" thing comes with its own particular headf**k.  
     Your husband is currently disordered; his anger and his attacks on you are a clear sign the problem lies with him. He's projecting his own behavior, emotions, and shortcomings onto you, and he's manipulated you into the "pick me" dance, insisting that the problem lies with you: if you could just meet his demands, everything would be fine.  But it wouldn't, because the demands just keep changing, and that's because the problem isn't you and your behavior, but him and his. 
   But you also are on your way to the healing part of anger (anger can be as overwhelming and devastating as grief, but whereas grief hollows you out, anger comes in like fire and sweeps the ground clean): when you say "I hate myself because I want to spend time with this man" you are already showing that you know that he has devalued you, and that the fault is not yours but his.  You are indicating that you have self respect, and want to respect yourself, and you know that the source of your pain and loss of respect for yourself is him--that being with him will only lead to devaluing yourself more.  
   Duped is right: you're TOO good for him.  And she's given you good advice: be gentle with yourself.  Look after yourself.
   Find ways to feed yourself.  Do something that brings you joy; do something that brings you comfort.  Listen to music you love, uplifting music, but yes, allow yourself a song or two that expresses your pain--just don't stay there exclusively.  Breathe deeply and deliberately, counting your breaths in and out.  Eat to appreciate the food, its colors, its textures, the scent of a peach, the crispness of watermelon. Go outside and look at the green world.  Exercise--walk, bike, swim, work out, whatever makes your body hum.  Maybe it's too soon, but reclaim your creative interest in photography: frame the world anew in your camera lens with the deliberate intent of showing yourself the world as you see it.  Or, use your art to give shape to your pain, and thereby remake it.  
    And while you are caring for yourself emotionally, don't forget to see a lawyer and secure your finances (ask the lawyer what you should do first).  
   
  
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Wed Jun 28 5:33 am)

 

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