OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



June 15, 2017 11:25 pm  #1


1.5 years after the big news... Transgender parent

My ex came out as transgender when our child was 3 after we split up. We have not gone through the family court process as of yet, I imagine we will be doing so soon. Right now I have had our daughter solely, visitation for my ex has been through cps at their access center. They have some concerns with my ex and suggested that I could co-operate by allowing supervised visitation on my own will so I have.

Bio dad is transitioning and my daughter has always refered to her dad as (making names for privacy) "Tim" and not dad/daddy. Tim changed her name to Tasha.
Cps has told me that our daughter calls Tasha, Tim. They said Tasha seems okay with that. They told me this a few weeks ago. However last visit at pick up our 4 year old says to me " I want to hug Tim!" And I told her for a few minutes she could. Tasha was irritated and said " I told you not to call me that, my name is not Tim."
We where outside of the building heading to our car at the time, our 4 year old was so confused, she looked sad. Tasha didn't offer another something to call her.
I'm at a loss, I feel if I brought this up anywhere I'll be called transphobic and I'm not sure what to do moving forward.
All best practices for a transgender parent where basically not done at all.
My concern is this one mostly

3. Allow time for adjustment. Proceed with transitioning at a pace that your child seems
comfortable with. Parents who transition may be looked upon more favourably by courts when
they allow their children to adjust to new parental roles and titles at their own pace, rather than
doing so at a pace determined by the parent.

Our daughter is developmentally delayed as well as has a laungage delay (possibility of reseptive laungage delay). I really feel lost tonight, I have no idea how to address this, let alone without getting a transphobic title​ stuck on me.. I'll likely get one anyways for asking my ex questions that offended her. Ex: what if our daughter is ashamed of you? (Growing up)
Why do I feel marginalized? I think that's the word. I feel as though I bring up any concerns what so ever I'm going to have some type of phobic lable.

 

June 16, 2017 5:14 am  #2


Re: 1.5 years after the big news... Transgender parent

Giants,

No.. your not phobic.  You're Fierce.
Loyal (to your daughter). Strong.

Given the cards you've been dealt you remain a rock for your daughter. Someone must be the moral parent to these kids.

My kids are older and they will not see my hurt nor will they hear me bad mouthing their GID mom..she hides it all from them I think. But they'll ask me to talk to a teacher rather than their raging angry mother.

Definitely finish your divorce/seperation.. your daughter gets all the rights privelages and benefits of your fierce love. Your trans ex..gets..crickets ..a distant and possibly embarassed daughter .


Standing on the shoulders of giants indeed.

A warm straight sincere hug.

Last edited by Rob (June 16, 2017 9:28 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 16, 2017 5:39 am  #3


Re: 1.5 years after the big news... Transgender parent

Dear Stand,
   First of all, while I understand your fear that you will be labeled "transphobic," you're not being transphobic;  you're being a concerned parent who is primarily concerned to look after the interests of her child (and it's a good thing one of your child's parents puts the child first!).  The factual evidence that you are not transphobic is already clear for the agency to see: you are voluntarily allowing your former husband supervised visits with your child when you are not required to do so (if I am reading the details of your post right).  If you were transphobic (or just garden variety divorcing wife-vindictive), you would not have done this. (Remember this fact, as if the label "transphobic" is hurled at you, you can reply by saying just that.)
   I am not sure what the legal standing of your separation and divorce is--are you already divorced and in the process of figuring out visitation?  Or are you legally separated and preparing for divorce and a final settlement, including of child custody?   I'm also wondering if you have a family law lawyer for yourself or whether there's a child advocate involved (or both!) you can take your concerns to. 
   Wherever you are in the legal process, here's one thing I would do, before anything else.  Document in writing every time something like this occurs. Write down the date, the place, the time, what happened and what was said, just as you did here in your post.
   It is clear that you are having doubts about the visitations because you have evidence that your former husband is not adhering to the guidelines; Tim/Tasha is more concerned that your four year old daughter (with developmental and language delays) validate his/her new identity by using his/her new name than he/she is with your daughter's ability to process the change at her own pace.  
  If you are voluntarily participating in these visitations (that is, if they are not court ordered), you should be well within your rights if you take your evidence and your doubts to the agency--the cps--who supervise the visits, and tell them you would like to suspend the visits because your former husband is not adhering to the guidelines.  I'm also wondering what "concerns" they have with your ex?--does this mean they themselves have doubts about his/her fitness as a parent? If they already have "concerns," then it's less likely they will label you "transphobic."
  Two things are clear.  One, the needs of your daughter must prevail over any fear of being labeled (unless being labeled "transphobic" can have an impact on custody arrangements).  Two, you are being a good mother and the adult in what is a very trying situation in which your former husband is more concerned with being validated in his/her new gender identity by a four year old than with the cognitive dissonance and distress being experienced by your daughter.  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 16, 2017 5:44 am)

 

June 16, 2017 9:33 am  #4


Re: 1.5 years after the big news... Transgender parent

Hi Giants,

I'm sorry you're having these issues.  I guess my question is: who are you worried about calling you transphobic?  I certainly hope CPS wouldn't be involved in name calling or labeling.  After all, it's their job to see situations like this from the outside and from the view of what's best for the child.  So - worst case...let's say it does get brought up.  I agree 100% with Outofhiscloset.  document. document. document.  This way you can show them: look, these are the challenges my child faces when she sees Tim.  This is not right for my child and I have every right to try to correct the situation. 

To me, today's "labels" are nothing more than the popular kids in high school name calling because you don't wear the right brand of clothes.  who cares what they say?  Who cares what they call you?  Who cares if they are right or wrong?  I play nice, sometimes even too nice, until I get pushed to a point.  At that point, I typically lose all remaining nuggets of political correctness I once had.  I think if Tim had jumped down my daughter's throat about what his sweet baby daughter needs to call him I'd kindly pull him aside and tell him could shove Tasha clear up his ass, high heels and all.  just sayin.

 

 

June 16, 2017 9:37 am  #5


Re: 1.5 years after the big news... Transgender parent

It really has nothing to do with being trans, if you think about it.  Your ex has decided to change his identity.  As part of that, he's also changed the name/word he'd like to be labeled as.  If he suddenly decided that he'd like to identify as a banana and wanted to be called "Big Yellow", the world would think that was ridiculous.  But since his re-labeling is associated with something that has become socially acceptable and even embraced and supported, he's emboldened and entitled at this point.  The fact that a very young, developmentally delayed, language delayed child is having difficulty with such a transition is expected.  What's NOT expected is that HE'S not getting that.

Do you have a Guardian ad Litem for your daughter?  If so, reach out to that individual and ask for advice. If not, you should be able to bring this up with your lawyer and get some advice.  In my parenting agreement, it is outlined that neither parent is to bash on the other parent to the children.  There is no reason you can't have something spelled out in the document about this needing to go at the child's pace.  That might still be an issue unless the "pace" were defined.  But one definition could be that he doesn't chastise your daughter in any way for using the wrong name or pronoun.

This could have been so much easier if when your daughter called him Tim, he said, "Tasha, remember?" to her, while raising his eyebrows and smiling.  He could still have what he wants if only he'd concentrate on a positive, supportive way to teach his daughter that instead of chastising her for not doing it right.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 16, 2017 9:37 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 16, 2017 10:14 am  #6


Re: 1.5 years after the big news... Transgender parent

You don't seem transphobic to me.  I've yet to hear that you think trans people are bad. 
What you have said is that having a father with issues that already make him require supervised parenting, who is now changing gender, is probably very confusing and difficult for your daughter.  That makes you seem like a perfectly normal, caring, concerned parent. 

You don't have embrace the changes he's made in his life.  It's fair for you to think that what he is doing is not the best for his daughter.  You are allowed to be concerned and to consider what protective actions you can and should take for your child. 

Also, you are right to feel marginalized.  That is a great word for it.  It's something we talk about frequently here on this forum.  The LGBT spouse/ex makes a massive change that negatively impacts us and rather than feeling compassion from the rest of the world for the struggle and unfair treatment we receive, we are ignored and have to watch our spouse/ex get pats on the back and congratulations.  If that is not being "marginalized" than I don't know what is. 

Keep posting ..  we get it and are here to help in whatever ever way we can. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum