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Thu Jun 15 12:39 am  #1


Who here is trying to make an open relationship / polyamory work?

I am in a situation with my wife, now long distance relationship but we are working out details of how we can be together more.

I was wondering if there is anyone here who has managed to make an open relationship or polyamory work when their partner comes out as bisexual or homosexual/lesbian. I am not a jealous person, have done so much to support my wife who is bisexual, but am suffering inside because I've neglected my feelings. If so please PM me, I would like to discuss. I am looking at this among many options because I feel we have tremendous love for each other and am questioning whether divorce is the right long term solution.

I fully understand why people reject this idea and do not pass judgement on those who feel this way. It is very difficult and an unconventional way for people to run a relationship.

 

Thu Jun 15 8:22 am  #2


Re: Who here is trying to make an open relationship / polyamory work?

Welcome esm, 

You will find that most of us are against polyamory for our own lives because that is not what we signed up for when we got married.   However, if that is a workable solution for you and your significant other(s), then we are hopeful you can make a way. 

We have a newer member named Mirky who recently shared his story.  It doesn't sound like it worked out for him long term, but he does have experience with polyamory and I'm sure he would be happy to share what he learned. 

Let us know what we can do to help!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Thu Jun 15 3:41 pm  #3


Re: Who here is trying to make an open relationship / polyamory work?

Hello Phoenix,

Thank you for your feedback. I didn't sign up for it either, nor did I sign up for the fact that my wife and I have had many separations since she misses her home country Taiwan and her mom is there too. Many other issues in our relationship too and I'm going into psychotherapy, but interestingly enough I have been unusually open minded and do not get jealous. So I was hoping that someone who has actually made something like this work could post here.

     Thread Starter
 

Fri Jun 16 9:53 am  #4


Re: Who here is trying to make an open relationship / polyamory work?

HI esm,

I'm sorry we can't be of more help.  Most of the people who end up here are here either because they tried alternative relationships and it didn't work out or because they feel they didn't sign up for what they got or a combination of both.  The only thing I'd like to point out about what you've posted here is that you say there are many issues already in your relationship and now you're adding lesbian/bisexual to the mix.  I think what you need to ask yourself and also what you need to discuss with your counselor is: is it worth it?  You need to consider your happiness too.  A lot of us are famous here for putting others first.  While it's an admirable quality, it also means that we sometimes do that too often and as a result we end up with the bad end of the deal a lot more than we should. 

So...maybe it's good that you have this time alone to really think things through.  Good luck with everything.  Come here for support.

 

Fri Jun 16 6:24 pm  #5


Re: Who here is trying to make an open relationship / polyamory work?

I'm very sorry that you are going through this...  at least probably, unless your situation works out for you.

I was in a relationship with a woman that I knew to be bisexual and when she fell in love (or lust) with another woman, she suggested that we try polyamory.  The upside is that you get to have some threesomes and the down side is that you have to learn to deal with the hurt and jealousy of knowing that your supposed love is out giving that love to someone else and not you.  You say you're not very jealous, and I'm not either, but I didn't understand how jealous I could feel when being left alone in my house over and over again, while my wife was out with her girlfriend.

The key word to polyamor success is "compersion", which is the act of learning to enjoy your loved one receiving love from someone/anyone else besides yourself.  This is supposed to be combined with you getting some new loving outside the marriage yourself.  There is a site very much like this one that helps people with lots of reading, support forums and advice.  You can try it out if you want...  here's a link to their message board, which was a step on my way to coming here..  http://www.polyamory.com/forum/ - If there's a problem with it being posted here, just let me know and I'll take the link out.  Along with compersion, there are some other "rules" and exceptions for when people have a "polyamory freak-out", which I think is the correct term, that many find very helpful on their way, but when your wife and the GF neither one want to have anything to do with any of that, like mine, then they won't do you much good.  You may find those successful polyamorists there that you were originally looking for.

There is also a near fable of a creature out there called a "unicorn" by the polyamory community.  This is when you and your partner find someone that is looking for just what you both have.  Someone willing to be just as in love with you as they are your spouse and they complete the sexual needs and fantasies of both partners while being completely happy themselves.  My wife's GF might have tried a little bit, but in the end, the real relationship was the two of them, and I had to separate myself from it before I lost my mind completely.  Don't forget, these are very rare, or possibly artificial, so be careful even seeking such a creature.

I wish you lots of luck with whatever you decide to do and if you have any further questions, feel free to PM me.

 

 

Sun Jun 18 8:34 pm  #6


Re: Who here is trying to make an open relationship / polyamory work?

great advice Mirky.  I knew your experience would come in valuable for others here on the forum.  Thank you for posting!    Also, no worries about posting a link to another forum.  We are here to support everyone however we can do that and there is no thought of "competing" with other online resources.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Sun Jun 18 9:58 pm  #7


Re: Who here is trying to make an open relationship / polyamory work?

Hey Mirky,

Thanks so much for your feedback. Your perspective is very helpful, and I have already received great feedback from people on the polyamory forum to help with this.

     Thread Starter
 

Mon Jun 19 9:37 pm  #8


Re: Who here is trying to make an open relationship / polyamory work?

So glad to hear it, esmfromhawaii.  It's a tough row to hoe, but with real support and love between everyone involved, I think it is possible for polyamory to work.

Lots of luck in whatever you end up doing.

 

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