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Mon Jun 19 12:31 pm  #11


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

F'inglies wrote:

Hello TotallyLost,

I have been going through the exact same thing with my husband. His attraction to other men came out In therapy session where I confronted him with evidence in January of this year. I was told by him that we married too young and he hadn't had time to explore. I hoped that him having an experience would quench that need and he would come back to me proclaiming his love and certainty that our marriage was what he really wanted. It only confirmed he wanted a man's penis. He has proclaimed his love for me as a wife and life partner. I think this really transfers to I am his cover. Fast forward to June 15, 2017. He tested positive for HIV. Now I have to get tested. No advice here for you. Just my horrible experience.

This breaks my heart. I am so sorry you're having to go through this, and I'm sure you feel completely alone. I'm here if you need to talk.

 

Sat Jul 1 1:48 pm  #12


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

F'inglies.....my man of 32 years suggested I 'allow' him maybe 1 day a month to "get his bi kicks" To me that 
possibly means I simply won't know...by giving him that agreement....how many *1 days a month* there will be. 
He doesn't seem to realise, or care, that I will never believe what he says anymore. THAT....is the part of all this 
that hurts the most. I will never trust him again. 
He says he hasn't fucked/been fucked by a man...yet. 
He says he no longer talks to the woman (who he has fucked) he used as a soundingboard. 
He says he loves making love to me. 

He says all this and the words drift past me but they don't resonate with me. 

 


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
 

Sat Jul 1 2:23 pm  #13


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Are you allowed one day a month to go get your 'kicks' with someone else?

Basically he's looking for your permission to go do whatever he wants. If you object later he can then say "But you agreed to it" Not sure I'd want to live like that or go circling "bi-days" on a calendar to make sure it's only one per month.

Trust is everything.and very fragile.

 

Sat Jul 1 2:27 pm  #14


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Bi days? What is wrong with these people?! Plus I bet that will also extend to crossdresser and transsexual days. Not what you signed up for indeed, just mindf*cking. I wish you a much better future Ellexoh.

 

Sat Jul 1 2:32 pm  #15


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Daryl wrote:

Are you allowed one day a month to go get your 'kicks' with someone else?.

That is indeed the kicker. He would be okay with that. I don't want anybody else but him. A 4 year open r'ship 
showed me I'm cut out for monogamy. He however.! wants that freedom again


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
 

Sat Jul 1 2:36 pm  #16


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Duped wrote:

Bi days? What is wrong with these people?! .... I wish you a much better future Ellexoh.

I'm at the start of a journey I  never wanted to begin. My man is trying I think..to be his authentic self. After 32 years 
this is like a death..of somebody I knew. At the moment I have no future


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
 

Sat Jul 1 3:14 pm  #17


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

It is like a death, and you need to grieve, but you don't need to stay and be decimated. Try and distance yourself so you can get some perspective. Post here, we will all try and help you.

 

Sat Jul 1 4:58 pm  #18


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Ellexoh, I am one of the women on here who was married for 30+ years when he started changing and eventually announced to me that he was gay and wanted a divorce. He had said during the first few years of the marriage when I had pushed us into pastoral counseling (because he seemed distant) that he was "bi" but I thought that solved the puzzle. He said he wanted me and while we both might look at attractive men that was going to be it. We went on, got busy with our careers and had children.

After they were born and a miscarriage he lost all interest in sex with me. I had lost weight but it made no difference. I tried to find activities that we could do together but he'd quickly lose interest. I moved out of the bedroom. Years passed during which he joined a gym and that he stuck with, going there daily during the work week.

When after a health crisis and the death of his parents he started being away from home on overnight trips to visit with friends - all gay males although some were partnered. When he told me his decision I was devastated: when our children were told what was going on one asked if I couldn't find a way to work it out with him so the marriage wouldn't end. I was beginning to find my self then and I told my child that would not be fair to me. I think that this an important point to get to: not engaging in what others here call the "pick me dance."  He might want out but I did too because I wasn't accepting any more than I already had.

That is the hardest part: finding yourself because I did not realize until after the divorce which was several years post-separation for financial reasons just how little of me was left because I was so used to doing whatever it took to keep him functioning. No sex for years. No sharing of confidences. It was a business arrangement and I had locked up my emotions and lost the key.

This helped me get tough and get through what needed to be done. I began going to church which I had given up as it was not one of his interests and I picked up a pamphlet for widows. It helped me cut-to-the- chase that this was a death of the man I had believed I had married. It was okay to grieve but I needed to begin to choose what I would do with the rest of my life.

The good thing was that he found an apartment and moved out. I turned 60 a few months later and put up a banner, had a cake. said to myself "60 is the new 40" and set about securing my future. Separation is so helpful because otherwise it is like living with the corpse - except that it walks and talks and usually in hurtful ways .

If your husband still had sex with you.see your doctor for testing for all sexually transmitted diseases. Your health is too important to rely on the representations of a known liar. Then get your hands on all financial records, make copies and start looking for an attorney or solicitor. Being female you probably will
outlive him and whether or not you think you will ever be happy again you will need to have a roof over your head and eat. Learn your rights and chose one who will work to get you a fair property settlement, not just a divorce. The fact that your husband wants to stay closeted may work to your advantage because he may not want to drag this through court.

Realize that this is not your fault. You are not a failure and nothing helps rebuild self-esteem like competence. Find things that you like to do and try to do them well. It is a death but it also can be a rebirth, as the poster Phoenix has embraced.

Finally having a wicked sense of humor does help, as does meeting new people and trying new things.

 

Sun Jul 2 12:01 pm  #19


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Bi my ass. I only believe this is a transitional stage to the full fledge homosexual. I've yet to meet anyone over the age of 70 that claims to be Bi. By that age they've come to their conclusions they were gay all along. I could be wrong, but whatever. My advise to any human is that if your spouse or partner is on the lookout for anyone, ESPECIALLY  someone of the same sex other than you, it's doomed and you are wasting your time. Get out while you still have some sanity left....let alone your health. 
By being with a man who is engaging in sex with multiple partners, ESPECIALLY other men, you are like an open wound begging for a deadly infection. If your man is hinting that he'd like to experiment with other men, he most likely already has and was just looking for your opinion and approval. Don't believe in his bullshit and get a good lawyer.
Start now by sucking him dry in the financial way other and not the oral. Because while you are sitting there paying the bills and playing house, he's out there playing russian roulette with YOUR life (to hell with his) with other men.

 

Sun Jul 2 5:54 pm  #20


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Abby wrote:

Ellexoh.... .

I'm 59....and wasn't expecting to have to rearrange my life. Thank you 
for your reply. I realise there are many, many stories out there. All different. I'm determined not to become 
bitter about it, and I get the feeling many are by reading the advice some give...therefore this journey will 
start slow.....and cautious...more ready to understand & accept what's happening than go off half-cocked 
and burn every bridge before I've had the chance to either rebuild or construct a new one


 


" Taking it....one day at a time...."
 

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