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Tue Jun 13 4:21 pm  #1


Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Thoughts , suggestions , ideas, what do you do!!

I married a straight man, who I feared soon after was a gay man but then figuring out he is bi , I love him i want to be with him but having trouble coping. What do you have to do to help with his bi urges I don't know what to do any suggestions he of course wants a mmf threesome or suggested me watching him with a guy to watch him suck and be fucked. I just don't know if I can handle it I don't know how to handle his urges and not feel like he is cheating on me. I'm worried but if I can't find a way to help him with those urges that he'll find a way to do it behind my back and I know that's not a reason to give in and let him do it but my rational side says if I allow him to do it I can control it I can say who I can say where I can say when.(I even have a plan in my head how to do it)  But I guess even that is not a guarantee he wouldn't cheat. How do you either straight wife or bi husband deal with it. I believe that being bi doesn't need to be a problem straight just because I'm married doesn't mean I don't see other men that are attractive good for him he's just got the same issue he sees other women he's attracted to them he just has guys on top of that I feel like once you're committed in a marriage then he stayed committed to that person if you want to be sleeping around don't get married. But at the same time I get my needs met because he's there to do that and I meet half of his needs but he still has his need or should say want for penis. I have read a lot up on bisexual men one who likes the hugging in the kissing in the texting for him it's straight sex  it's a penis he can suck and a hole to put his in and a way for him to be fucked and get off. Straight sex. Any help or even just. Conversation from some one going through this like us!!


Love is never easy but it can be worth it.
 

Tue Jun 13 4:50 pm  #2


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Hi SturdyChan,

Sorry you're going through this.

I personally don't feel there's a good way to remedy this situation once you get to this point.  To me, it's not any different than him wanting to sleep with other women; it's still cheating.  You can give him your blessing but that won't make it not hurt your heart.  He got married to you without anyone holding a gun to his head.  If he wants to honor his commitment, then he can choose to do so.  If he feels he canNOT go on without sleeping with men, then he can do so - without being married.  He can't have his cake and eat it, too.  He knew about this desire long ago.  He just figured that once he hooked you, he could do what he wanted and you'd let him - for fear of losing him.

What does he say will happen if you don't let him sleep with men in some regard?

Personally, if anyone I'm with wants to start sleeping around (or welcomes having me sleep around), then I don't have the kind of love in them that I feel I need in a marriage.  I'd be gone.  It would hurt.  But not as much as the torture of staying and not being able to feel that they want me and I'm enough.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Jun 13 6:02 pm  #3


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Kel,

Thank you.  Ya I also believe that is the case he knew I have asked him more than once how did you plan to handle this when you asked me to marry you.  He never really has a answer honestly.  I think he thought that he could cheat and I would not know. Or catch him. He had other girlfriends he lived with and I asked him how did you handle it with them he said just watch porn or the girlfriend had a big sex toy he would play with.  With those girlfriends he was still in his hometown​ with his wrestling partner that he would call and they go to it really fast in highschool.   But he said he never called him when he was with either of his ex gf. 
I found out he was Bi because I caught him talking to a gay guy that, and then started seeing pictures of penis that was not his.  He has run into a guy he knew at a concert got his old friends phone number started texting I thought they were just friends come to find out they were sexting and my husband was in the process of trying to find a way for them to hook up without me or the guys pregnant gf finding out.  I kept finding tons of gay porn in the history and I was so upset thought he was gay and I was his cover.  But I started watching porn with him to see what he liked it soon become clear he liked both.  I started checking cell phone bill and found he was sexting girls and girls off Zynga poker game.  And he was trying​ to get his old wrestling partner to come meet up.  I confronted him yell and demanded he tell me what was going on is he gay or what that was 3yrs ago he finally was able to explain he liked both preference was girls and guys not sissy stuff.  Hugging kissing etc.. no sleeping together to cuddle.  I read up on it alot.
He wanted the threesome I couldn't do it several plans to try and do it but just never could.  Our sex life is good and active so I thought it would go away.  But never has. We have tried dildo, watching porn together, dirty talk, fantasy talk,now we go on Kik he chats and swaps photos and stories.  But he is bored and going through the motions.  I am always afraid who is he sexting now.  If I'm not around would he give in to temptation.  He uset to tell me stories of him through highschool and right up until after we started dating he was still meeting his wrestling partner and driving to somewhere to do it.   I know he was still texting him up until about a year and a half ago.  I seen the text on his phone bill.. so after that long story now what what does anyone else do.  I think sometimes I am so afraid of him cheating , but then I just say to hell with it I am not going to stop him I read enough stories to know guys do it behind wife's back for years and years.  So sometimes I just think to hell with it I don't care.  Stop looking and checking he wants to he will.  And maybe that is why agreeing to 3 some is so hard I know once wouldn't be enough. Then he want me to join and just for him to touch then before I know he is giving me to someone to touch no thank you.  I tell him you need it go get but don't come back to me after.


Love is never easy but it can be worth it.
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Jun 13 8:50 pm  #4


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Welcome.
I just sent you a PM if you want to chat offline in more detail.  I'm currently in a rocky mixed relationship I'm not an expert on Mixed orientation marriages especially not open ones I know they can work for some people. Open marriages in general even between straight people are becoming more common as is the poly lifestyle.  I'm a monogamous type of person so I can sympathize with your struggle.

Vicky


 
 

Wed Jun 14 9:31 am  #5


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Sturdy.  

You've spent a lot of time thinking about what he wants, which is the sign of a loving wife.  

I think it's time you started setting some ground rules for what you want and what he agreed to when he married you.  If you are not comfortable with him having any other partners (monogamy is what he agreed to when he married you), then I think you need to make that absolutely clear to him.  

You can't control his desires..  who he decided to stare at in public or what he thinks about in his fantasies. But can make it very clear that you will not permit him to sleep around, ask for 3-somes, watch gay porn, sexting, etc..  

If he wants to remain married to you, then he needs to be the husband he signed up to be.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Thu Jun 15 12:20 pm  #6


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Sturdy,

You seem to be placating him so that he'll be happy and stay.  In our society, watching porn is considered "normal" behavior for any red-blooded, American male.  But you do NOT have to be comfortable with it.  And you can say that.  Are you happy with him going on Kik and with him swapping stories and pics?  I can't imagine what's in that for you except trying to alleviate some of your fears that he'll leave due to not getting needs met.  I'd suggest that if he needs to go outside of the marriage to get his kicks, then he's not in the right mind to be committed to you.  Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are NOT okay with him sexting other people - be they female, male or any other sexuality.  That NO ONE but you should be getting any sexuality shared with them - words, pics, stories, sexting, etc.  That you wouldn't expect him to put up with that crap if you tried it, and you want to make it clear that you're not putting up with it, either.  It's off-limits, along with ever again suggesting a threesome.  You may be willing to do certain things (like the dildo, some porn), but outside of those "normal" things, you're not open to more.  Ever.  It's non-negotiable.

Then sit back and watch.  Closely.  He has no intention of being that limited.  Even if he did sign up for things under those pretenses.  He's trying to get you to let him do what he wants with your blessing - so that you can't then come back and accuse him of cheating.  It's still cheating though - permission given doesn't mean it's not cheating and more than putting out a storm warning ahead of a storm makes it not a storm.  It's still destructive, it's still scary, it's still devastating.  The fact that you had warning ahead of time doesn't mean that you can't be devastated afterward.

STOP giving him things that you don't want to because of fear that you'll lose him.  If you can't get him to stay except by giving things that hurt you, then he really wasn't ever yours anyway.  Tell him what it takes to be with you, and then see what his reaction is.  I can tell you now that he'll be angry and upset.  He will not say, "Okay - that's fine - I never wanted to hurt you, I just wanted to know if it was okay.  If it's not, that's cool - it was worth asking."  He will throw a tantrum of some sort.  Or he will nod and smile, and then go do whatever he wants on the sly.

If he needs to sexually interact with men in order to be happy, and you're NOT.ONE, then he's never going to be happy in the relationship.  And therefore, neither are you.  It's futile.  Don't give him permission to hurt you.  That's not wise.  It's literally giving him permission to destroy the marriage.  Why do that???

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Sun Jun 18 10:04 pm  #7


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Sadly, I'm going through the exact same thing. I wish I had answers for the both of us. The idea of my husband being with anyone else destroys my will to live. He said I can't meet his sexual "needs". It makes me feel like I'm the bad person here, but I know I'm not. I told him he signed up for a monogamous relationship, and that's what this will be. He seems to think I'll change my mind in the future, but I know I won't. He says he wants to be married and have a family, but he also wants sex with men, and wants a fulfilled sex life. Something I can't give him because I lack the equipment...and he wants these things equally.
Let me tell you, this statement destroyed me emotionally. I didn't let him know that though. I just reminded him that he can have one or three other, not both. I've also reminded him many times that he has not been fair to me at all in this marriage. I did not sign up for this sh**. And he knew full well that he was bi long before we got married. Now he says he doesn't know if he'll be able to control his urges, because that's all he thinks about. He suggested the mmf threesome as well...I shut it down.
Sorry for rambling, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Last edited by TotallyLost (Sun Jun 18 10:04 pm)

 

Mon Jun 19 12:52 am  #8


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

jkpeace wrote:

TotallyLost,
You seem to be thinking very clearly.  You reminded your husband  that you both entered the marriage with the clear expectation of monogamy.  That is excellent, logical thinking.  I am impressed that you are able to think so logically, amidst the turmoil of discovery.  I hope that you are able to continue thinking so clearly.  My brain got a little confused, as a result of being so completely stunned at finding out my husband of decades was gay.  It's easy to become confused and start to follow twisted reasoning, when in shock.  Keep taking care of yourself, the best you can.  Hopefully, your clarity will serve you well.  (I was only able to realize that our marriage was never really a marriage, after being in shock for 10-12 months).

 
jkpeace,

I spent several days telling him that he needed to do whatever to make him happy, even if it meant being with men. His happiness was more important than my own. Then I had a realization that this is not how its supposed to be...this is not a marriage. This is a selfish man who really pulled the wool over my eyes. And I just got mad from there. I guess I went through the process pretty quick. I still don't know what the hell I'm doing though. All I know is that I matter too, just like all of you guys. We all matter, we're all important.

 

Mon Jun 19 6:55 am  #9


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

Hello TotallyLost,

I have been going through the exact same thing with my husband. His attraction to other men came out In therapy session where I confronted him with evidence in January of this year. I was told by him that we married too young and he hadn't had time to explore. I hoped that him having an experience would quench that need and he would come back to me proclaiming his love and certainty that our marriage was what he really wanted. It only confirmed he wanted a man's penis. He has proclaimed his love for me as a wife and life partner. I think this really transfers to I am his cover. Fast forward to June 15, 2017. He tested positive for HIV. Now I have to get tested. No advice here for you. Just my horrible experience.

 

Mon Jun 19 12:31 pm  #10


Re: Manage same sex desire and not cheat

F'inglies wrote:

Hello TotallyLost,

I have been going through the exact same thing with my husband. His attraction to other men came out In therapy session where I confronted him with evidence in January of this year. I was told by him that we married too young and he hadn't had time to explore. I hoped that him having an experience would quench that need and he would come back to me proclaiming his love and certainty that our marriage was what he really wanted. It only confirmed he wanted a man's penis. He has proclaimed his love for me as a wife and life partner. I think this really transfers to I am his cover. Fast forward to June 15, 2017. He tested positive for HIV. Now I have to get tested. No advice here for you. Just my horrible experience.

This breaks my heart. I am so sorry you're having to go through this, and I'm sure you feel completely alone. I'm here if you need to talk.

 

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