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1 of 1- Catherine
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Still angry and lost...
It's been quite some time since I last posted. The fog has lifted and I'm no longer in denial.
Brief summary...I apologize in advance for my writing. My thoughts are scattered and sometimes I might ramble.
Six months ago , my husband of 22 years(together 27 years) has come out as bisexual. About three years ago, he started testosterone treatment prescribed by primary care physician. Up until that time, we had a normal life...normal sex life. A year and a half ago his doctor doubled his testosterone and that's when his personality completely changed. He became angry, distant and hyper-paranoid. Unbeknownst to me he sought out professional help. The therapist(who is an expert in people coming out)is telling my husband that he has helped 411 people go through this exact same situation and he will be 412. My husband is an engineer and feeds off of statistics and numbers. He administered several tests on my husband some visual stimulation...some test that I didn't understand. The conclusion to these tests was that my husband was bisexual something he couldn't admit himself so this therapist used these tests to give him proof. A couple of comments about this therapist...he gave my husband suggestions on bars to go to pick up men....he is feeding into my husband's paranoia. Now I will add a few of my own disclaimers...one, I don't doubt that my husband is gay...two, he still likes to label himself as bisexual but it's a stepping stone label for him to actually being gay....and three, I believe he was able to suppress these feelings all these years until the testosterone made him hyper sexual and he could no longer surpress them.
Ok - so now back to present day. Our house has been on the market to sell since February. I will be moving out next weekend. He plans on staying in the house until it sells. We don't plan on filing paperwork until the main house sells.
I am going through a roller coaster of emtions. I'm angry, sad and embarrassed. I want an apology that I know I will never get. He keeps telling me that he didn't know he was bisexual. I've told him that he knew he had an attraction to men but only accepted it this past year. It makes me angry that I didn't see it. It makes me angry that he lied all these years.
We have one child...a fourteen year old daughter. She has not been told about his news. He plans on telling her this weekend. Thankfully I got her into counseling a few months ago and her therapist knows about his news. My husband doesn't think it will be a big deal to tell her the news and that he will be dating men. My stomach is in knots about his disclosure. I know I can't control any of this but I wish to soften the pain for my child.
I'm sorry for rambling and probably not making any sense. My mind is so jumbled up with thoughts.
- Kel
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Re: Still angry and lost...
Hi Catherine,
I'm do sorry you're going through this. Yes, you are right - this is gong to be a huge deal to your daughter, especially at this age. I'd encourage him to break the news to her gently. I'd do it in phases:
1. We're getting divorced
2. He's gay
3. (Eventually) he's dating men
There is absolutely no reason a child needs to know about him dating at ALL anytime soon. Let him do that on his own without needing her blessing. His time with her should be just that at this point - just the two of them.
Why did the doctor start him on testosterone? What's that got to do with him being bisexual?
Kel
Last edited by Kel (June 10, 2017 1:02 pm)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Catherine
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Re: Still angry and lost...
Kel - thanks for responding.
He was diagnosed with low testosterone three years ago. Hence the reason for being prescribed the shots. I believe he was able to surpress his bisexuality all these years but when the testosterone was introduced he became hyper sexual and could no longer deny his attraction to men. I guess I bring it up because I'm trying to come to terms with why he waited 27 years to finally come out. I'm definitely on the verge of a breakdown. I don't understand why it took this long and why he wasted my life.
We met in college and broke up for a brief period of time. During that time apart, his room came out of the closet to him. He could have admitted it then but instead came looking for me again.
I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. I have no one to turn to. It's as though he came out of the closet and I went into it. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone. Ashamed that I let this person take my best years from me. Ashamed that I didn't see the warning signs. Ashamed that I was true believer that true love existed.
- •
Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: Still angry and lost...
Sometimes understanding why others do certain things can never happen because our own personalities and values can't ever imagine a scenario where this is acceptable. It's like the apology you may never get, one day you might get some words but they may not feel genuine. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You were not dishonest. You did nothing wrong here. You trusted someone you loved and made a commitment towards. That is a positive trait. He was not honest with you and hid it well for a very long time. That's not something to be proud of. I think you need to find someone you can disclose this too, it will lift a huge load from your shoulders and is part of the healing. Also, take care of your daughter. She will need honest support. You do not want her to be blind to this kind of a situation in her own future life or to feel that there's no such thing as a good man. That part might be hard for you to speak to at the moment so model a strong independent woman who did what was needed rather than stay in a non-authentic relationship. I think Kel's three steps is a wise move. I expect it's more of a big deal than your spouse thinks and there is nothing to gain by rushing. Even if he starts dating immediately it is always wise to delay before introducing kids to anyone new in the dynamic. Good luck, take care and keep coming here as often as you need to, even just to vent.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Foolme
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Re: Still angry and lost...
Hi Catherine, so sorry you find yourself here. You've nothing to be ashamed of, this says so much more about the type of person your husband is than you! Even if you did question him he'd more than likely have denied his sexuality to remain in the closet. You have to tell someone in your real life, you need the support and deserve it, please consider telling someone, you have to think of you now. He's not going to be your person, you need at least one. Please seek out a counsellor, you need this help, have you talked to your doctor? If you're not sleeping you need help with that while you're in this stage.
I understand you're angry he took your best years, I felt that way too, sometimes I still do (32 years together, 28 married, he opened Grindr a number of times in front of our youngest when he was 22 and later admitted seeking out random guys since 1991, two years BEFORE my youngest was born). You're probably right about never getting the apology you so well deserve, these spouses think only of themselves.
You need to be kind to yourself and think about you and your daughter going forward, she doesn't deserve what's coming down the line for her, hopefully she'll get the help needed to get her through it. Keep posting X
Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
- Rob
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Re: Still angry and lost...
Catherine,
We gave fierce and honest love. He did not.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Your daughter will need a parent that puts her first and he is not it.
Just think how lucky you are to get away from the dishonesty.
Walk forward..no shame..just strong fierce loyalty and determination for your daughter and yourself.
A warm ehug (virtual but authentic )
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7