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Thu Jun 8 9:24 am  #11


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

Roozoo,
     In the hopes you giving you some clarity, I'm going to make a few observations and a list of some things you've said, a kind of "isolate and repeat," similar to what Kel did.  In the process I'm going to borrow a couple of terms from Chump Lady.  
   What I see you doing is engaging in a lot of effort to understand your husband and explain his dysphoria/desire/delusion.  You're discussing his "family of origin" issues (FOO issues).  You're "untangling the skein of fuckedupedness," which means you're going back into his psychological history.  You're trying to diagnose him medically (DES).  You're doing this because you think that if you can figure things out, you can either FIX them--you can figure out what you need to do to bring back the husband you are in love with--or, by understanding them, you can bring yourself to accommodate them.  If you're like me, you're probably doing some of both; if probably feels like in order to know what you want to do you need to know what you're dealing with. To engage in this "figuring out" behavior is a means to an end: to gain some control over your situation, which feels to you very much as if it's out of control now.  And it is.  
     The only problem is, this figuring out effort is ultimately misdirected energy.  All the mental effort you're currently expending on him?  You need to expend it on you. You can't change him; you can't control his actions.  (In fact, in your initial post you made clear just how true this was: initially he wasn't going to "do" anything; a year later, what you even referred to as "fast forward," he's fully out at work and on hormones.) You can only change yourself and control your own actions.  You can decide what you want your life to be and take the actions to make that life possible.  You can set boundaries (like not in the house). One thing you should probably get on your radar screen to do, one boundary to set, has to do with money: how much household resources are you wiling to designate for your husband's double life?  A whole new wardrobe?  Counseling?  Prescriptions?  Those expenses are his first priority; I doubt they are yours.


Below is the list of things you've said that indicate to me that you are highly ambivalent about staying, despite your saying you want to make this work (I didn't include those statements).  Perhaps part of your ambivalence comes from the uncertainty; you can't predict where your husband's "transition" will end.  You know what he's done in a very short time, and how the goalposts have moved ("fast forward").  This is something I have also confronted.  My husband says he "can't know" where he'll end up, and even though I established for myself the terms that would make it impossible to stay, trying to commit to a partner who says he won't set anything off limits in order to commit to me means living in constant uncertainty, and keeps me off balance at all times.  I have come to believe that my husband counts on that, because the more off balance and uncertain I am, the more he can exploit that to push the boundaries.  

So here's your list:

 I don't want to be married to a woman.  I'm not attracted to woman.  I want to be married to a man and that's what I thought I was doing, then the game changed....

He is also very protective of me and our children as well, even takes me to the gun range....  Only thing is he would like to do it wearing a woman's jeans, black concert shirts an sports bra...


My husband used to seek the transgender community out and dated many trans woman

With regards to the possibility of him saying / doing anything to keep me around right now - it is possible, as I have heard many trans try to keep their relationships together to support them as they transition.


the transgender caveat is huge 

I don't know how long I will be able to stay... I want to try and make this work as long as I can. 

Had he been interested in having SRS (sexual reassignment surgery)...[or] should he ever go full-time where he dressed as a woman all the time (which he say he is happy to be part-time as long as it means not losing me and our children) ... I could not stay around.  Those are my boundaries.

​I'm not expecting miracles here. 

 It's being woken up to a situation where you discover a loved one has a terminal illness or has been in a horrific car accident ...


I married an amazing and wonderful person - but he is transgender.  It does and will continue to have an impact on our relationship as long as we are together and even if we separate - because we have children together. 

I am very cognoscente that I'm consciously avoiding many things - ostriching if you will, with my head in the sand as I process and work through things on my own time.

he considers himself a lesbian trapped in a man's body. It's confusing to me to say the least.

My husband has offered to put me in touch with some of his trans friend's wives, but I would like to meet and develop my own support group - one which doesn't know my husband and might have an agenda.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I don't want to leave - and that my life is better with him in it, even though he wants to be seen as a she now. <insert deep sigh here>

[I am] not processing this well

He has created his own FB page for Marie, which he said he created to protect me - but I know that was just a made up excuse.  He has over 150+ friends, I declined his friend request, it was too much for me. 

He has told me that he has no plans to have SRS, which is a relief, but I don't know what the future holds for us. 

I don't feel I could stomach sitting through a meeting where there are transgender folks attending.

his coming off anti--depressants, doesn't mean I should have to go on them to stay in this relationship.

​I would like to find peace - I have find moments of calm, but I have not found any peace around any of this and really need to in order to stay and make this relationship work.




 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Thu Jun 8 9:26 am)

 

Thu Jun 8 12:55 pm  #12


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

Oh.My.GAWD - OoHC - You have grown Sooooooo MUCH since you first started posting here!!  I am So proud of you!  It can be so difficult to see things and change your mind about what they mean and how you feel - it's like we feel if we disagree with what we used to think, we're killing off our old selves and declaring them idiots or something.  Nothing could be further from the truth, and yet, we get so stuck in that mindset.  You have moved past that.  You are so much more self-aware now - of how what someone else does (keeping you uncertain) is not a good place for your mind to rest.  You are entitled to feel certain about how your spouse feels about you, and what the two of you plan for the future.  And I'm so happy that you feel entitled to that now, vs. just wishing for it.

Roozoo -  I see that you're intelligent and well-thought.  You make a great case for how your husband is a wonderful man whom you love and want to continue to be with.  And I don't doubt that's the way you truly feel.  But it's OKAY to feel angry and confused and sad, too.  People don't start posting here because they're gleeful over their spouse's choice regarding their sexuality.  They're here because it's causing them pain, and they don't know how to process it or make decisions about it.  It's okay to just..... be.  To not defend, to not justify.  It's okay to say "I love him so much, but I hate this trans thing so much."  It's.Oh.Kay.  That's why we're here, hon.

I have a mentally-unbalanced adult child who can no longer live in our home because of the danger he is to those of us living here.  I still love him desperately.  I worry about him all the time.  I hope against hope that he's well today and eating enough, and that he can figure this life thing out.  His mental illness is the reason for his out of control behavior.  It's not his fault.  And yet I cannot have him here where he can hurt us.  It was made very clear to me by a judge that if I let an adult live in my house (whether he's my son or not), and he hurts my other children (who are minors), they can take the children away from me.  I cannot choose one child over the other - it doesn't work that way.  What I can choose is that I don't want to let danger live in my home.  I still love him.  But I can't live with him.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (Thu Jun 8 1:00 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Thu Jun 8 2:54 pm  #13


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

Kel,
 Your statement about your mentally ill son,  I still love him.  But I can't live with him., is exactly how I feel about my husband.
  

 

 

Fri Jun 9 8:20 pm  #14


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Roozoo,
     
    The only problem is, this figuring out effort is ultimately misdirected energy.  All the mental effort you're currently expending on him?  You need to expend it on you. You can't change him; you can't control his actions.  (In fact, in your initial post you made clear just how true this was: initially he wasn't going to "do" anything; a year later, what you even referred to as "fast forward," he's fully out at work and on hormones.) You can only change yourself and control your own actions.  You can decide what you want your life to be and take the actions to make that life possible.  You can set boundaries (like not in the house). One thing you should probably get on your radar screen to do, one boundary to set, has to do with money: how much household resources are you wiling to designate for your husband's double life?  A whole new wardrobe?  Counseling?  Prescriptions?  Those expenses are his first priority; I doubt they are yours.
 

Roozoo, the above emphasized what OOHC wrote. Ironically, I have little energy myself to give you my long story but the above statement is so correct. Like OOHC, i spent decades with a manly man, now a closeted TG, he said all the things your husband has/is saying and what does it amount to for the straight, dutiful, supportive, liberal wife? Exhaustion, depression, physical illness, isolation, and complete & utter emptiness. If you chose to stay you will have at the end of it, after given all of you away & then when they've finally grown some actual lady balls & decide to live their true authentic life, which always includes coming out as gay (or straight to them as they see themselves as women, desiring men., they simply can't bring themselves to admitting out loud they actually *do* want & prefer sex with a man, not you, his wife.... hello, Caitlyn Jenner coming out roadmap)....sorry, long run on....You will end up feeling used, void of your own former feminitity, sexuality & probably depressed & exhausted. It literally sucks the very spirit out of you, living a fraudulant, sexless marriage. I will advise you to get yourself at the top of your list....& stay there. Do NOT be coerced into keeping mum, playing second fiddle or bending in your core needs. Stay strong & authentic for your future, that you cannot possibly see right now, but your spirit & health & your children need you to make YOU the priority. I can wholehaertedly say, the man you married, is not, has never, will never put you first. I say this based on what you've written about him & from living this same nightmare for 25 years. It's textbook MTF TG gaslighting bullshit. He knew what he was & wanted from that early age he dressed up & got beaten. Same thing happened to my husband. They both chickened out of living their truth, and now, living in a more liberal climate, he wants his cake, heels & straight family. He gets it all, no sacrificing on his part.

My best advise would be to start asap, building a social circle that is your own. Away from your husband, anything TG and start to recapture the you that was open to the world pre-meeting your husband. It wasn't that long ago so it should be a little easier to find her again & socialize without one millisecond spent thinking about the brain drain that is TG. The sooner you do this, the better the chances are that you will have a stronger core & be able to think clearly what is right for you & your children. You deserve authentic, happy n0-strings-attached love like the rest of us. He's clearly on his way & so should you be. 

Blessing & peace to you, stay strong 
Sham


PS. OutOfHisCloset: Damn, when you laid out the numbers accelleration of this ugly membership it is truly depressing. i often wonder on Facebook, who else on my friend's list is going thru something similar, hidden in all the "My life is fabulous, isn't it?!!" feeds. I dare say, once the TG narative includes the *spouses*, & get's REAL for reals, we may find the straight wives will have their own "coming out" parade! My STBX left today, with a truck FULL of glitter/boobs/lucite for a pride parade weekend. He came by to pick up a bunch of his things and as I saw the TG caravan leaving the driveway, I thought, "Yup, there goes my retirement fund, headed to pride." 

Which reminds me......Roozoo, start gathering financial info asap. Once the pandora's box is opened & espcially if you or a laywer expresses divorce is in the horizon, they will have nothing left holding them back from draining the funds. It's also an addiction, so they will not be cut off of girly purchases, services & investments.

Hope everyone's well, slaying, finding peace. Missed you all, just too tired these past months to hear about anything TG, people getting duped & shit on. Plus, I'm swearing a lot more these days, so best to keep that crap to myself ;)
 

 

Fri Jun 9 8:33 pm  #15


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

Awesome to see you back Sham,
Hope you're taking care of yourself. So sorry you find yourself here Roozoo, hugs. To you as well.

 

Sat Jun 10 4:59 am  #16


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

Sham and OOHC - your posts still help me so much too, thank you for these. Thank you for speaking it exactly as it is. I need these posts to keep me going forward.

Roozoo, I hope you come and re-read these as time passes and you start to process what has happened and what your future needs to look like. It takes time, you will stumble and fall but these ladies are desperate for you not to live through what you have.

 

Sat Jun 10 6:27 am  #17


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

Sham,
   I love your fighting spirit, your anger, and the mightiness you demonstrated in getting free of a soul-crushing marriage that nearly killed you.  Without your posts, my own awakening would have taken a lot longer; I would have hit that snooze button over and over again.  You flipped the lights on with your brutal honesty about the effects of living with your cross-dressing, gaslighting husband, the addictive nature of his practice, and the futility of attempting to accommodate his desires in hopes of one day having him count you as an important part of his life beyond your decades-long service as a wife appliance.  
   Like you, I feel a surge of anger and a dip of despair every time I see a post from yet another woman whose husband has caught the "transgender" contagion and who is struggling with her disbelief, her horror, and her love, watching her world fall apart around her while her new glitter husband totters blithely off on his new high heels while she is left to pick up the pieces of their life to the chorus of those who see her as nothing more than a small-minded impediment to her husband's "flowering"!   I actually feel lucky that at least I don't have small children, so they won't be forced to watch Daddy become some grotesque version of Mommy, and know my children are going to be grow up brainwashed into thinking "woman" is nothing more than an empty suit any man can put on, worrying about what effect this will have on their own sense of self.  
   In fact, Roozoo, this is the element I have been thinking about since my last two posts and it's the one thing I think probably will end up weighing the highest for you: how much contact do you want your children to have with the world of transgender?  Do you want them to grow up immersed in it, because that is what will happen if you stay.  If you leave, you have more control, because you can make dispositions with your husband for how he will present to the children when he has them (in whatever shared custody arrangement you work out).  And then you have legal recourse if he doesn't adhere to what he's agreed to.  See a lawyer now to discuss what is possible and what your rights are: It's the last thing you want to do, but it's something you need to do, because if you don't know what your options are you can't make an informed decision--and that's why you came here: to help yourself make an informed decision about your future.
   Duped, we're all in it together, and we all help each other see the outlines of whatever urge it is that we're dealing with, and how social contagion, porn, etc, fuel it, and how it warps personalities (the self-centeredness, self-absorbedness, self-involvedness, which leads to the discounting of partners).  Researchers could learn a lot from studying our stories, because we've observed it, intimately.  Sham, you're right (as usual)--we spouses/partners are ourself "coming out"--of the woodwork!--and we have a lot to say about what life is like on the surreal side of their lucite life. 
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Sat Jun 10 6:36 am)

 

Sun Jun 11 7:32 am  #18


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

I wrote in at the beginning of the month, because my husband just came out as transgender then. We are a month in, and he has made changes to how he dresses at home, and he has told different important people. I found some of the comments in here quite difficult, as there is an underlying belief that being a transgender person means being mentally ill, and also, that there probably is a hidden sexual activity behind it and stuff like that. I'm still processing it all, it's not easy at all and I don't know what the future holds for us, but I did not find these suggestions helpful at all. We are starting up therapy together, not necessarily in order to stay together but to help us keep the communication line open, and I'm hoping to find a peer group that we can chat to. I migh be proven wrong later, but for now I can't recognise the picture of my husband as a cheating and perverse person, but rather one that has finally worked out what all the depression was about. He has slowed down on my request, but he would not be able to not express the newfound identity at all at home. That much is clear. For me, I'm grieving, and trying not to make hasty decisions that I I'll later regret. My husband is an attentive father, and he is providing for us as I have been home educating our children up till now.


"Life is what happens while you're busy making plans...."
 

Sun Jun 11 10:13 am  #19


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

Trunte,
    I just read through all your comments and my replies, and what I see is that I asked you a lot of questions, and at that time you said, more than once, that you found what you were hearing here, from me as well as others, to be useful and clarifying.  Sorry if you don't like encountering anything "difficult" or pessimistic here, but people here write from their own experiences and tell it like it is/was, and we're all at different stages of processing and acting.   You're in the "oh, my god" phase, the one is which you're asking, "what happened to my husband and can I keep my marriage and my world from blowing up?"  You're vulnerable and afraid, and encountering anything that tells you that understanding, accommodation, and counseling can't save your marriage and family can feel dangerous and scary.  I get that.  I've been there.  
   However,  some of what you don't like to hear comes direct from my experience.  My experience is that my husband viewed a lot of trans porn, gets a sexual high from cross dressing and acting like a sexually submissive woman--and has asked me to participate in that; I didn't make that up to smear him and all trans people. My husband is not a cheater, unless you count my feeling that his bringing his "woman self" to bed with us and lounging around in women's dress by himself in the morning feels a lot like he's brought another woman into our marriage and asked me to accept her. Nor do I believe he's "perverted," and I think that in at least one of my posts I have explicitly said that; he does, however, have dysphoria/dysmorphia and the depression that results from them--he suddenly began to hate his male body and to wish to be a woman, and the fact that he isn't female and a woman depresses him. That psychologists have studied the psychology of those with dysphoria/dysmorphia, and have developed a typology of how they present and treatment programs for them--which among other kinds of therapy includes hormone therapy and SRS, by the way, so psychologists can be said to be helping trans people--is not an insinuation or a slur; it is a fact.  
   Processing this and grieving over the loss of your husband is hard, and for that reason I hope that in addition to joint counseling you are also looking to visit a counselor to help you process your thoughts and feelings.
  
 
    

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Sun Jun 11 10:37 am)

 

Sun Jun 11 10:37 am  #20


Re: New Here - Wife of M-to-F Transgender

"found some of the comments in here quite difficult, as there is an underlying belief that being a transgender person means being mentally ill, and also, that there probably is a hidden sexual activity behind it and stuff like that" "I did not find these suggestions helpful at all."

Trunte, I'm sorry this all seems harsh to you. I truly am. People's unvarnished truth can be harsh and hard to digest.

Yes, most people sans far left indoctrination in marxist ideals view it as a mental condition mediated by sexual means. Men cannot be/feel/know what it's like to be female anymore than they can be/feel/know what it's like to be a cat. Men and women share humanity and what is common to humanity. We don't share biology, socialization, life experience, or life roles. We don't share priviledge. We don't share cultural catering. These basic understandings are seated in a reality that surpasses individual feelings.

Depression is a terrible thing, no doubt about it. But how can depression manifest from an impossibility?

These are the things that people understand on very fundamental levels. Things that contradict the twisting and folding of intellect, science, and existence into the delusional origami of blind acceptance or emotionally based self-deceptive rationalizations.

Truth is unyielding. It offers little in the way of emotional comfort at its beginning. It is typically only with time that we appreciate inconvenient truth and the value it holds.

Some of the people here are merely speaking from the other side of the beginning of inconvenient truth. They are speaking toned with time and fuller understanding, that's all.

Best to you.

 

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