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June 6, 2017 12:43 am  #1


I'm left with little to motivate me...

OK...  my story;

I was married once and divorced when I was much younger.  I have two children, now adults from the first marriage which was to a straight and probably nuts woman.  No judgement, that was a long time ago and we were both young.

I was raising my children with the help of my parents, who were great, when one of my best friends moved to a town somewhat farther away and I started going there to hang out and party with him.  Well, that's when I met my current wife.  When we met, we had a connection, though I think we'd both say she liked me a bit more, as I wasn't really looking for anyone at the time.  Well, eventually, she wore me down and we started dating.  Early on in this period, she told me that she was bisexual, and told me about a few of the experiences she had had and at the time, that seemed pretty cool, to be honest, though I no longer think of that as a good sign when starting a relationship.  However, she was so loving and into me, and of course the sex was awesome.  It makes me tear up to think of the past with her, of course.  Eventually, we decided she should move in with me, so I bought a new place for her and my kids and we lived together for almost 12 years.  

During that time, we had one breakup which I think of as my fault, because I was acting irresponsibly and I straightened out, got a promotion at work and after we got back together, everything was great.   She got pregnant once and miscarried which made us both very sad, but in the long run, I now think it was for the best.  

Finally, we were planning a trip and I asked her if she wanted to go ahead and tie the knot while on vacation and she said yes.  It was a great trip and I think we were both really happy and we were planning our futures together.  

Well, four more years went by and a lesbian couple broke up that we had been close friends with for a long time.  Both of us supported one of these women, whom had been our friend a long time and we spent a lot of time with her, because she was so depressed over the situation.  One fateful night, all three of us had gone out and had a bit too much to drink and when we got back to our house, one thing led to another and the three of us ended up in bed together.  First time this had happened, but I thought it was great at the time.  

Unfortunately, it was not long after this that my wife told me that she had fallen in love with this friend.  I was shocked and we spent hours taking about it and crying.  My wife suggested polyamory, which, for anyone that doesn't know, is having more than two people in a relationship, and loving her and at the least liking the other friend, I was willing to give it a go.  We did this for about a year.  Unfortunately for me, I was the only one that read the literature on it, and I would talk to them about the things you were supposed to do to make a relationship like that work and I worked on my feelings of jealousy when she was with her and not me, and just made a hell of an effort.  They both thought I was being a jerk for not just letting things happen naturally.  Finally, the three of us took a vacation together and had an alright time, but by the end of it, it led to my wife and I getting into one of the only fights we've ever had, because, of course, she was giving her so much more attention and sex than me and wasn't even willing to try and change things...  It didn't end quite yet, I was on an emotional roller-coaster of her saying she loved us both and not being able to give me up and I really didn't want to lose her, etc.  It probably went on a few months, but it seemed like years and eventually, she told me she had decided she was fully a lesbian and she decided to leave for good.

Keep in mind, I had pretty much decided that we were married for life, and she had always said the same thing.  My kids had both moved out of the house and I thought we were at the point in life where we could actually do all the things we had always wanted to do and it all crashed down around me.  Suddenly, I was a young middle aged man with no discernible future...  I was left reeling.  Along with that, I felt that my lover and best friend in the world had rejected me and left me with very little support.  Isn't it strange when you are hurting and the person you want to go to for support is the only person you really can't go to?

I think the lesbian friend actually felt too guilty over the situation to be with my wife after we split up and she actually broke up with my wife.  This left the wife very sad and she once asked me to take her back.  It was so hard but I told her that if she was really a lesbian, I just couldn't do it.  Not after what she had already put me through.  

Around this same time, the company I worked for was purchased by another larger company and actually hinted to me that I was going to get a promotion...  not related to events here, but it comes into play later in my story.

Well, I've been working on scaling down the crap I have in the house and packing up anything of hers I find into boxes that she will be welcomed to take if she wants.  We still talked, working on our financial situation and we even got intimate a few times, which is probably wrong, but it can be hard to say no, you know?

I was doing fair at this point and then, all of a sudden, the old friend of ours and she got back together.  I guess enough time had passed.  Since, the wife has rarely talked to me at all.  The two of them always go to one of the places where everyone I know likes to hang out, but I avoid it because seeing them there is very difficult for me.

The final, I hope, nail in my coffin came a few short months ago when the company that took over my old company decided that they were going to go in a different direction and downsized me.  Ain't that a kick in the head?

So now, I'm a middle aged unemployed man whose wife left him for another woman that I thought was a friend.

Just a year and a half earlier, I was doing great, I was financially stable, had a wife I loved and thought loved me and was making plans for our shared future.

At this point, I have my two kids, though they are adults and one granddaughter that I love very much, but they really don't need me.  All I have is this big house, I probably can no longer afford, which is full of memories of my former wife whom I actually still love.  I'm feeling very unmotivated and I'm not sure how to break myself out of the pattern I'm in.  I guess you might have understood this, but right now, I feel that almost everything I had in life has been stripped away from me.

Sometimes I think about dating, because I miss having a woman around, but will it just be because I'm sad?  Is that fair to another woman?  I'm actually not sure I'd even know where to start after so many years with one person.  Probably not, but who knows what things might lead to?  I know I need to get myself in gear, but it's so damn hard.  Plus being without a job isn't great for dating either.

My mother is still around, but I just don't feel I can talk to her about this.  My father has passed on.

Any advice would be welcome, as I'm at a loss.

Thanks for reading.  Sorry it was so long, and probably poorly written, but I had to get it out.
 

 

June 6, 2017 10:13 am  #2


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

Hi Mirky, 
Welcome to our group.   I'm sorry you have to be here and I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. 

You are valuable!  You need to know that first and foremost.  Just because things are at a low point right now doesn't mean they will always be this way.  Your kids and your mother and certainly many other people in your life value you more than you know.   

Thank you for sharing your story.  I would recommend you copy and paste this same text into the "Our Stories" section of the forum as well.  We have had the polyamory topic come up in prior conversations, but to my knowledge, we haven't yet had any active members who could offer any first hand experience.  Most often it is the gay spouse who requests the freedom to have two separate relationships rather than join their two lovers into one relationship.  Anyway, your expertise in this area could be very helpful to others here in the future.  

Clearly you are struggling with some depression, sadness and as you say, "lack of motivation".  I can relate..  oh boy can I relate..     I've been trying to escape that place and in my mind's eye I have been writing a story in my head to illustrate how our perspective causes us to focus on the sad and temporary situations we find ourselves in.  Meanwhile we miss the greatness and potential and long term happiness that we have in store for the rest of our lives.  

I've been working on this vision for a while and your post makes me feel like perhaps you are the right person to share it with.  So.. if you have a minute.. please indulge me as I pretend to be a writer (a bad one). 



"Your eyes open, crusty lashes stick together as you've clearly been sleeping for a while.  As your eyes begin to find focus they scan back and forth to take in the surroundings.  Unfamiliar visions cloud your mind as you see a dark and dirty wood ceiling that is definitely not your bedroom.   The room is very dark with just a dim glow through covered windows.  This bed is placed in a very shabby room.  Old wooden slats hide behind peeling wallpaper, broken shelving looks to be ready to fall over into the middle of the room and curly locks of flypaper hang from the exposed and aged wood ceiling.  Through the few streaks of light that pass through the dark cloth covering the windows you can see the dust particles in the air.  
With your pulse beginning to increase as you take in the unfamiliar room you start to wonder how you got to this place.  Where are you?  How did you get here?  Your mind is swimming and circling and you can't seem to focus.  Buried in confusion you decided to close your eyes again and you drift back to sleep. 
Seemingly hours later you wake again and once more scan the room.  This time something is different, you are aware of rain hitting the roof and leaking into the room in a few places.  You stand up with the idea of exploring the room, but you immediately feel dizzy.  Sitting back down and try to regain memory of how you got here and where it is that you might be.  After what seems like hours you notice the light dying and you go back to sleep. 
The next morning you awake and again find yourself dazed in this room.  You feel dried blood on the back of your head.  You still have no memory of how you came to this place.  As you study the room you notice that there is no handle on the door.  A feeling of dread and panic comes over you..  are you a prisoner in this place?  Stuck in this dark room with the windows closed off and a closed door with no handle.  You become aware that the rain is falling much harder this morning and the light is very dim.  You can hear the sound of gusting winds blowing hard against the exterior.  Gloom sets in as you come to realize that you must be in a prison of some kind.  This horrible room begins to close in, your head throbs and you decide to lay back down.  Giving up hope you close your eyes and wish that they will not open again, you don't want to live out your days in this horrible place.. a prisoner with hope of escape.  
Thunder crashes and lighting flashes outside the prison walls.  The wind is fierce and the walls creak and groan against the onslaught.  Surely this is the end of it..  You roll out of your covers and hit the floor with a  thud and the slide your body under the bed.  You cover your head and wait for the inevitable.  The winds continue to blow and crash around the building.  Pieces of wood seem to be rending from the roof and you hear glass break.  The next bolts of lightning are much brighter as the light is now unfiltered by the dark cloth.. perhaps that cloth is gone or maybe the entire wall.  Your fears are confirmed as you feel cold drops hitting your arms as they try to cover your head.  How did your life go so wrong?  What happened to get you here?  Why are you destined to die now in this storm, stuck in a prison in this sad and horrible place?  

A voice..  "Sir?"  "Sir, can you hear me?"  
You open your eyes and close them immediately.. It's so bright.. blinding light.  So slowly you crack open your eyes and start to allow the warm sunlight to penetrate your retinas.  As you adjust to the light you hear the voice again, "Are you awake?  Are you OK?  That was quite a storm.  Sir do you feel any pain?  Are you hurt?"
"I don't think I'm hurt, other than my head.  I must have hit it, but a couple days ago.". 
Starting to clarify your vision you see that this woman is a medic of some kind as she is points a flashlight into your eyes.  She has a uniform on that reads "United States Coast Guard".   "Sir, can you stand up?"
"With a little help you slide out from under the bed and then right yourself and get to your feet.  You start to survey your surroundings.  The little prison is now flooded with light through two huge windows.  One of the panes of glass is broken and the cloth that was covering the window was knocked away.  The glass is dirty, but you can see shades of green and blue out the window and a cool breeze flowing through the opening.  
"Sir, do you want to come outside?"
You are starting to gain some strength as you take a few steps toward the door.  Your helper is a step behind you making sure you are supported.  You reach the door and stop and look at it as you remember that there is no handle.  "Just push" she says.  You give it a little shove with your palm and it gives way easily.  As you pass through you enter a bigger room.. a living room perhaps.  There are a few chairs and a table.  There is beautiful sunlight bathing the room with it's warm glow from many windows.  
"The other door is over there sir" as she point across the room. 
You walk that way and reach for the handle.  You open the door again feel nearly blinded by the stunning light. The cool breeze is blowing and you hear water, a beach..  laid out in it's majesty in front of you.  Two steps down from this doorway is sand..  bright white beach sand interrupted by the light brown horizontal stripes of palm trees as they reach for life giving sun and wave at your with their huge green fronds.  The water is a crystal blue as it crashes gently over itself and runs out of momentum on the sands.  
What is this paradise?  You've never seen such a stunning place, it's like a dream.  

"Sir, we found a boat against the rocks on the other side of that point over there.  We couldn't find anyone on the boat so we decided to check up the beach a little ways.  I'm glad I found you.  Is that your boat sir?" 
With this clue, you suddenly find some clarity and memories start to flood back in.  "That is my boat.  I was out too late and didn't see the rocks. I crashed and must have hit my head."  
"Somehow you must have found that cabin before the storm set in.  It's good that you did, it was an awful storm.  Where were you going?"
"I was starting a journey to my new life.  I cashed out my 401k and quit my job and bought some beachfront property.  The real estate agent said there was a small cabin near the beach that could be easily remodeled and be a wonderful little home.  I guess I found it, but with the bump on the head I couldn't figure out where I was.  
"All I could see was the little room that I thought I was trapped in.  It felt dark and dirty and sad and I thought I was a prisoner in an awful place.  But I didn't know what beauty and majesty lay just outside. I was so focused on the four walls, the darkness and confusion in my own mind and I had given up hope.  The storm was raging and it felt like it was going to be the end."
With a smile on her face, the medic said, "Sir, the storm has passed.  It was a bad one, but it was only temporary.  This is one of the most beautiful beaches in Hawaii and your cabin has tons of potential.  You are so fortunate, very few people have a chance to live such an amazing life.  You are going to be just fine". 


The morale of this story..  
-In the wake of the shock of finding out our spouse is gay and the loss of the future we thought we had, we tend to put ourselves in a prison of our own making.  We see life pessimistically and focus on what we have lost.  We allow the pain to overtake us and become depressed.  Depression feeds on itself and snowballs.. One sad though plus one more sad thought somehow feels like three instead of two.  Add a third sad thought and it now feels like the weight of six sad thoughts.  It become oppressive and clouds out the rest of world. 

Mirky, 
You've been dealt a bad hand.  It's not fair, you didn't deserve it.  You are a great and loving man.  If you weren't, your ex would have bailed a long time ago.  You are feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the world.  But please know that this is only temporary.  You are in the middle of a storm and you are stuck in a dark room.  But you will survive this.  Time will pass and the storm will move on.  When it does, you will find beauty and happiness in the world again.  You will realize that little prison is just a small and temporary room surrounded by a spectacular world.  When you are ready you will walk through that door and find the paradise outside. 


Welcome to the family.  Please continue to share and ask questions.  We are all here for you. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 6, 2017 11:01 am  #3


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

Thank you for the story and kind words.  It's very apropos.  When I'm trying to go through "our" house and find things that are hers, it feels like a trap sometimes, and sometimes it's impossible to go on.  I know I'll get through it all someday but the memories are hard to deal with.

Also, the vacation we got married on was in Hawaii and I'd love to go back there, but I don't think my 401k can handle it.  Florida is where I have my sites set at the moment.

I will take your advice and post this in the story section as well.  I'm certainly willing to share my polyamory experiences, as they are, with everyone, even if the whole thing didn't work out for me.  And yes, it was her that brought up the idea, as she had a friend that was already doing it.  It actually became a point of contention when I found out the "girlfriend" either assumed, or was lead to believe that I came up with the idea, but that's water under the bridge now.

Thanks again, very good post.

     Thread Starter
 

June 6, 2017 12:27 pm  #4


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

I still find things in MY house that remind me of when she lived there.  Some have been major triggers.. (ie a victoria's secret bag with a receipt with her lesbian lover's name on it).   I have a fire-pit in the back yard that helps give some incredibly closure. 

Something I see in almost every one of our stories is the gay spouse trying to make their change in life and "save face" with the spouse.  They don't want to be honest and have you believe that they have lied to you.  So they like to take it in stages and say "it just happened".  

One of our forum members is Kel.. she has an amazing way of cutting through the crap and telling it like it is..  she likes to say "they want to have their cake and eat it to".  You ex did exactly that.  She wanted to stay with her loving husband and still have the lesbian sex.  To you, that felt like a better option than losing her completely.  And.. if we're honest, I bet most guys fantasize about a 3-some, so that was probably exciting for a while for you.  But eventually the truth came to the surface and that is that your ex was really a lesbian.  

I'm glad you got the point of my story..  Right now I know things seem terrible and mostly pessimistic.  But it's just a short time over the full term of your life.  Things will get better.  You will find another woman that will make you very happy.  Even though you remember your ex fondly at this point, your next will probably show you things that you never imagined and you will feel like you totally traded-up. 

So I want you to remember that life will get better.  But, I know that is easier said than done and we are here to get you through the tough times.  

Keep posting.. keep sharing.. . ask questions..  lend some kind words to others as well.   You will most likely find all of these activities to be helpful for you.  It's great therapy to share your story.  Even better when it's a group of people who have been through similar experiences and can honestly say they know how you feel.   We do..  We get you..  We are here for you!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 6, 2017 12:57 pm  #5


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

Hi Mirky,

I'm sorry that you need to be here, but glad you found us.

Your journey sounds painful, even though you thought at one point that it had such great potential.  It seems that fantasy is not always as wonderful as we think it would be.  I'm sorry that you've found yourself at a place that seems like the bad ending of a story.  But this is not the end.  You are middle-aged; in the middle of your life.  It sounds like a deep hole to crawl out of, but there is still so much life left for you to see, feel, explore and experience with the decades of time you have left.  Please do not see this as the end of your journey - just that part of the story right before things begin to blossom into something you never saw coming.

It might be too early to start dating, although if you feel like it, you can.  Just don't expect to find a healthy, wholesome, forever relationship right now when you're so broken.  If you find that just spending time with someone and maybe having some intimate times would make you feel better, then go for it.  If you feel like it might just make you feel worse, then avoid it like the plague.

I think you would do best to concentrate on your job search right now.  If you find a job, you will be busy getting settled there and getting into new routines at home.  It will take a lot of mental energy, and it will help distract you while you work through some of your other issues.  If you feel like it would benefit you to take a vacation beforehand, then go for it.  But expect that the vacation will be simply to get away, relax, unwind, and enjoy a different location and what it can offer.  Florida sounds great (although HOT!).  I'd invest in some sort of journal that assists you in setting goals and breaking them down into tasks.  That way when you return, you might have the focus you needed to move forward with purpose.

As for your ex and her getting her things, I might just invite her over to do that - be at home but not involved in sorting with her.  That way after she leaves with what she wants, you're free to do whatever you want with everything else - whether that be toss them, or keep them.  Tell her it's been too difficult to go through every item and make decisions about them, and you'd appreciate it if she could come take whatever it is she wants so that you can clean the rest without so much decision making.

I will say that the way your wife wanted everything to just unfold organically with regards to polyamory makes me think that she wasn't interested in making it work for ALL of you so much as just wanting her cake and to eat it, too.  If she wanted to do things right, she would have taken the time to have all 3 of you on the same page with how you handled things.  She would have talked things out with seriousness so that everyone would be fulfilled and no one got hurt.  The fact that she wasn't interested in doing that tells me that it was all more of a ruse than she made it seem.  It was all just to let you do what you thought was exciting and enticing, but was never really for that intention.  It was a guilt-free way for her to get what she wanted, all while feeling like she was making your day.

I also don't believe for one moment that the other woman ended things because she felt guilty.  That may have been what your wife told you, but I don't think that's the truth at ALL.  There may be a hundred different reasons for why that didn't work out at that point in time, but guilt wasn't one of them. Take that excuse with a grain of salt.  You were duped.  And there's no shame in that for you.  You were told something by someone you trusted, and you believed them.  That's a good thing.  But she likely knew the whole time what she was doing.  And she was likely sleeping with this friend before the 3 of you accidentally happened into bed together.  That just let her pull the ripcord on being more open about being with the other woman without hiding it anymore.

I wish you the best. Keep stopping by.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 6, 2017 12:59 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 6, 2017 1:15 pm  #6


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

Phoenix,

You're typing that I like to say "have their cake and eat it too" WHILE I'm typing it!  Lol.  Ah, you know me too well!

But yeah - you hit the nail on the head.  His ex wanted everything all at the same time.  The husband who loved her, cared for her, provided for her and made her house a home.  The lover who titillated her sexually.  And putting the two together for the ultimate fantasy.  She may have sold that as the ultimate fantasy to him, but the truth is that it was HER ultimate fantasy.  It was going to be his - because she never had any intention of making this best for all of them.  She just wanted him to think it was the ultimate.  That way she gets what she wants and he thinks he's the lucky guy.  When he's not happy with it, she can then say he had it all and turned it down.  Or that he couldn't handle the situation.  Either way, it's his fault.  The only thing that's his fault is that he was born with a penis instead of a vagina.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 6, 2017 1:16 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 6, 2017 3:15 pm  #7


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

I agree with you both that my wife probably wanted to have everything.  Truthfully, I never found the girlfriend to even be that attractive...  she's a very lesbiany lesbian...  if you catch my drift.  I still think of the threesomes as pretty cool, but I know now, they were sort of a safety net she set up for me.  I do think it was all very selfish, but I'm not sure she was 100% cognizant of what she was doing to me through it all.  At least not until I told her but it changed nothing.  I also agree about the polyamory.  If either of them meant to do it, they should have read about it to see how people do it, how they cope with it.  I'm sure that the girlfriend and I were both very jealous at different times, but it didn't seem to phase the wife who cared only about her own feelings and desires.  Agreed.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm cool with being kinky in bed, and if there had been mutual attraction between all of us, I can see how that sort of thing could work for some people, but it became obvious rather quickly that I was mostly an impediment to what was going on there.  It seems contradictory, but in this situation, a threesome with two women actually makes you feel less manly...  though I told one friend about the situation and he is envious.  I tried to tell him that it's not as good as he might imagine.

Finally, it was my assumption that the girlfriend was guilty, but who knows?  I don't even care.  That was just me hoping she felt guilty, probably.  lol.  

I'm actually in a much better mood today thanks to you guys.  Thank you so much.

P.S.  I like the Florida heat.

     Thread Starter
 

June 6, 2017 3:44 pm  #8


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

Mirky,

She was completely cognizant of what she was doing - she just rode that ride until you told her that YOU knew, too.  At that point, she knew how you felt so she couldn't get away with telling you otherwise.

It's interesting that you say that having two women in bed at once made you feel less manly.  I did the two men thing once (not with my gay ex, but during an experimental phase following my divorce).  And it's not all it's cracked up to be, either.  It was billed to me as "TWO men paying attention to you - ALL YOU!"  And instead, it was more like, "Servicing both men at once - none of the connection, all of the work x 2."  Never again. Can't say I'm sorry I tried though - even if I never found it something I was interested in before that.  I tried lots of things and found some new stuff that I liked that I never would have learned otherwise.  I certainly wasn't getting any new experiences with my ex - who clearly wanted as little to do with my body as possible.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 7, 2017 9:41 am  #9


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

You're probably right that she knew what she was doing, but who I am to say what other people did or did not know?  She did seem very confused a lot of the time because she obviously liked the stability of our life but her hormones or feelings or whatever were telling her that she needed to be with the girlfriend.  I'm sure that sucks, but not as much as being the one being ripped apart by her desires.

One thing it did do, was make me feel inadequate as a lover, friend and a provider.  I kept questioning what I had done wrong and she always said nothing, but it makes you feel like you have.  I know that's ridiculous, but it's a real hit to the self esteem.  I've lost some of my old confidence and I'm trying to work on that as well.

I guess I'm inclined to see the best in people and I even understand that people can grow apart over time...  and that's one of the reasons this came as such a shock to me.  I had thought things were going great between us.

I never did address whether or not anything had gone on before that night.  They told me afterward that they had flirted around a lot before and even made out, but nothing more than that.  Whether that's true or not is impossible to know for sure, but I guess it doesn't really matter.  Either way, they had betrayed my trust.  

Another thing that drives me crazy is that she certainly had her flaws as a partner.  She wasn't very organized, nor much of a cleaner - I always did most of that sort of stuff and she wasn't super great with my kids either, and could get angry about stupid things, sometimes I think just to irritate me...  but when I'm sitting depressed and can't get her out of my mind, I can't think about that stuff, all I can remember are the good times we've had together.  Sometimes, I think my brain is out to get me.

     Thread Starter
 

June 7, 2017 10:30 am  #10


Re: I'm left with little to motivate me...

We here wholly understand giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.  And that's because we've ALL done that.  And there's a reason for that. The people who come here aren't the type of people who see one thing off-balance in their relationship and decide to walk.  Not that that's a bad thing - I should have walked LONG before I did.  But my point is that the individuals here are still wanting things to work out - they still love their spouse.  They are the type of people who give and give until we bleed.  And then wonder if maybe we can still keep doing so.  We think we need up uphold our end of the bargain even if they are making us miserable.  Maybe we can make this better -  if only we try hard enough, believe hard enough, love hard enough.  It is NOT a reflection of our spouses - it is who we are.  And it's why we're all here - with so much hope and yet in so much pain.  The commonality between all of us ISN'T that we have gay spouses - it's that we're compassionate, loving, giving, trusting people who would hold someone up during the race so that they can cross the finish line while we expire getting them there.

The people here are wonderful individuals.  And that made them great partners to these narcissists - not asking for much, grateful for the scraps of love given to them.  They are people who count their blessings - so much so that it's all they have to hold onto in the end.  There can be 99 horrific things in our marriage, but we'll hold onto that one good thing, gratefully.  The qualities that made us great targets for our GID spouses is precisely what makes us suffer so much ourselves.  Don't go changing - but do realize that your spouse has used your own heart against you - as a weapon.  The further away from the situation you get, the more clarity you will have - guaranteed.  Sometimes we need to stop picking the individual occurrences apart and look at the overall picture.  Maybe we can't know if they knew what they were doing X time, or why they did X, but overall, they'd have to be mentally challenged to not put it all together and see that they're hurting us.  If we did that to them, we'd KNOW we were destroying them for our own gain.  Don't give them more credit than you'd give yourself.  It's okay to look at the situation from the outside - as a stranger would - without all the love and personal knowledge of that individual's personality.  Just.... SEE.  See that a partner would never do those things lovingly.  See that a spouse would never expect a reasonable person to believe those excuses and lies.  See that if you were anyone else, you'd know your partner was full of shit.

I'm not asking you to think differently about the person your wife is.  But I'm saying that you need to see the forest through the trees.  If you look at every tree as just being a tree, examining that tree and its bark and the angle it grows at, you will never realize that YOU'RE IN THE WOODS.  All you will ever see is individual trees.  The tress are all leaning the same way - a result of the sun they're seeking.  It's only when you're outside of the forest that you can see how massive the forest is - not how big or little each tree is.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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