OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



June 14, 2016 9:01 am  #1


Husband in Denial!

Hello everyone!

I'm confused123..... Yes the name says it all! I've been with my husband for 20yrs married for 15yrs!!! We have 4 kids under 13 together! I know this is hard. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I found lots of emails/ cock pics  that I accidentally came across one nite since the email addresses had crazy names like "luv2cum" or "blackbear"! Of course I read all and managed to print lots of these emails in which I still have! (For 9yrs saved)
I confronted my husband and he said it was just texts ! Of course a nice wife I am I said ok NP! Another 8yrs passed (of course I'm already married 14yrs) I found him texting a man non stop so I took his phone and copied the texts I ended up texting the guy myself! Once again it was nothing ! In 2016!!! This is the icing on the  cake ! We were both together in his office space and all of a sudden he was trying to find some work docs and there was a picture of him sucking someone's cock! Yes this is the proof !!!!!! Now everyone my heart is hurting me so bad! I feel like I'm drowning everyday! We went to counseling then he stopped ! I told him this will not work if u don't get help for his so call " I don't know when I'm doing these events"! This is hard for me ! I have not worked for years! I was a tax accountant in NY! I need to get a job but have little kids (twins) and plus my son who's always sick ! No help with them ! My husband travels now for work which he says he hates it but I bet he loves it so he can create his new profile to meet other men! He promotes himself as bi married on line but refuses to admit anything to me or open up to me! I told him I don't have a problem with him being BI my problem is this constant lies! Why can't u come clean and just say your bi and we can have a f happy marriage ! The more sex the better! he told the counselor he doesn't even remember when he does this ! Yeah rite! This is all bs! what do you's think?????? Is he bi or not!

 

June 14, 2016 10:16 am  #2


Re: Husband in Denial!

Dear Confused123,

He is not St8 and he is not monogamous. You know what he is doing. You have lots of proof. 

Many of us have gotten stuck on the label.  

Instead of wondering what he is, shift your thinking to what do I want! He is what he is (whatever that is). But who are you? What do YOU want?  What kind of partner do YOU want? Are YOUR needs being met? Is this how YOU want to live your life.  Start making this about YOU.  You may not have thought about 'you' in a very long time. Take the time now to explore how you feel about all of this. 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. None of this is easy and having kids in this mix makes it so much harder.  Keep posting and reading. There are a lot of Str8Spouses that post and who have been where you are. This site replaces an old one and hopefully those experienced Str8s find this new site soon. You are not alone.

 

June 14, 2016 7:57 pm  #3


Re: Husband in Denial!

He is also not honest with you. When did texting become OK? What if all this was with other women and he claimed he didn't remember any of it?


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

June 15, 2016 12:26 am  #4


Re: Husband in Denial!

What he is is unfaithful.  What he is is a liar. What you are is hung up on whether he's gay or bi or straight. If you found all this proof of cheating and lies with women, would that be okay? Would you be hung up on whether he likes younger women or sexier women or needs a blonde to be satisfied? No, you'd likely "get" it more - that he's a cheating, lying, manipulating individual.

He's full of shit when he says he doesn't remember. If him not remembering were true, then wouldn't he be asking his texting buddy "who are you?" whenever he texts?  Lies.  It's all just lies. And he must think you're an idiot to think you'd believe all that. Don't prove him right.

 

June 15, 2016 7:53 am  #5


Re: Husband in Denial!

I think the lies to cover up their gay cheating just adds to the mistreatment and betrayal.

Its shocking when this happens
.you realize their opinion of us is so low...they can actually look us straight in the face and lie and then sleep at night.  Its monstrous.

The confusion they give is a form of gaslighting.  That is also a horrible feeling..you'll find yourself posting here asking if you are crazy..
No you are not.  Your being lied to by a cheater.  A gay cheater to add. 

Start taking baby steps each day for yourself..plan your exit and get away..we cannot cure them and make them suddenly love and respect us.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 15, 2016 9:20 pm  #6


Re: Husband in Denial!

Hi Confused 123,
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I've been with my husband for almost 15 yrs, 5 of it married with 2 small children. He also has been living in denial, & kept me in the closet with him for the past 4 yrs. I found out through emails, pics, & gay apps. I may have been in denial too for letting it happen for so long. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I pray to God all the time, for strength as it's been the most extremely difficult thing & has felt impossible for me to do something about it finally. I have taken baby steps recently to leave him. I've hired an attorney to start the divorce process. I still don't know how I'm doing it. I think we get hung up on whether they're gay or bi because if they're bi we think we may have a chance of saving the marriage & they may still want us. I keep wondering that myself, but everything that I've found on him, shows me that he only wants men. But like you, I've been lied to & cheated on waaay too many times; & that is really the part that hurts me the most. I know now It'll never stop & this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I'm not sure how my future will play out without him, but I am keeping faith. I hope & pray for you Confused123, that you'll be able to figure things out. This just sucks so so badly. 
 Rob, what you said above is absolutely spot on!!! 

 

June 16, 2016 8:45 am  #7


Re: Husband in Denial!

Hello Everyone!
​Thanks for responding! This is tough! Having to live with someone and you know whats going on but the other person refuses to talk about it! My husband thinks everything is ok and its not! We started a marriage therapy then he stopped because he didn't like the one I selected. So I told him you pick one! He has not and its been 3 months due to his traveling for work every week! I'm hoping in 2 weeks we can get to see a sexual therapist! You think  that might help him talk about this issue? Any recommendations here? He knows I know but refuses to come clean with me! Seriously talk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so pissed here! Talk already! He continues to work, travel, come home, work, travel again and again ! What about our big problem? Still on hold! Tell me do you think I should continue to talk about it eventhough he has to work? Everytime I start talking about it he always says its the wrong time since he has to work! Plus with 4 kids I cant scream/yell and go nuts when there around which is always!  I was planning to go to a hotel me and him only to talk!!!!!!!!!! this is crazy! I cannot continue like this! Hes always saying it will not happen again and guess what it continues to happen! I will ask for him to bring his PC as well! Plus, hes a Project manager/tester/automater (computers) hides everything well and writes programs I cant understand to hide his pics now! Lets see any advice please continue to send them my way I can use some help know Im not alone in this! Thank you amigos!!!!! 

     Thread Starter
 

June 16, 2016 11:47 am  #8


Re: Husband in Denial!

"..he continues to work, travel, come home, work, travel again and again ! What about our big problem?"

My lezex  never talked about it...  Our conversation consisted of a couple of words where she basically wanted a divorce.   We're divorced now but she wont leave..the elephant in the room is still there.  I do not want to talk to her ..any conversation is simply rage from her..  I just want her to go away.

I wish you luck on the therapy..your husband is avoiding it...probably because the truth will come out and ,
l hate to say it, but he does not value the marriage.   If he did he would be repentant and do whatever it took to repair things.  He would come clean.   Do not expect any of this..  Its hard but do not expect, empathy, remorse, him coming clean etc etc.     This was hard for me..   that my then wife did not have even enough respect for me to have empathy or discuss anything with me.   I was suddenly garbage..scum under her shoe... but please keep the paycheck coming.

You will not find a good opinion of couples therapy/counseling here.     I would highly reccomend a therapist for yourself.    Your not crazy..   I hate to say but your husband may have checked out of the marriage already whether he be gay, straight, purple or green.    I found one cannot try to hold a marriage together on their own...if the other person doesn't want it its over.  If the other person breaks trust...its over.
Really a marriage only works if both want it..if both respect the boundaries.    Not sure what part of the word married didnt they understand...

Take care of you.   Take small step each day to protect yourself and children... he, obviously,  is not thinking of you.   Its hard because we used to be able to rely on our spouses to take care of us ...now we have only ourselves to.   


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 16, 2016 7:37 pm  #9


Re: Husband in Denial!

Confused123 - I am so sorry that you have reason to be here.  You have been unfairly put in this situation; you deserve to know the whole truth, immediately.

Unfortunately, your husband has nothing to gain by telling the truth and therefore he will not do so.  He has a far better chance of keeping the safe and comfortable life he has with you if he lies. No, he's not gay!  No, he's no bi! No, he's never cheated!  No, he'll never leave you!  No, he'll never bring home crabs, herpes or HIV!

Confronting your husband in a hotel room is very unlikely to be satisfying experience for you.  He will tell endless lies and you will know that.  Then, when he finally confesses a few small scraps of the truth, he will do everything he can to make you doubt what he's done has any meaning, or that any of your most serious suspicions are valid.  Finally, even if you two experience what feels like an emotional break-through and you enjoy a passionate night together, you will leave the hotel with no clearer understanding of the full truth of what's in your husband's mind than you had before.

Here is the unvarnished truth, as only a not-straight, formerly married man can tell it:

Sexual attractions are not a choice.  If your husband has ever once admitted to watching gay porn, being bi or performing oral sex with another man, he is not straight and HE NEVER WILL BE.  NEVER!  There is no "cure" for same sex attractions.

In your situation you have iron-clad proof that he has cheated.  However, the proof you have is almost certainly just the tip of the iceberg.  You can safely assume he has a "friend with benefits" in every city he regularly visits.  You can also assume he's been having sex with a lot of different men, over a period of many years.

Those are the truths your husband will never tell you. 

Now that you know, what will you do?

You only have three choices:

1.  Stay in your marriage and try to improve it by telling your husband you want his total honesty in exchange for your permission to have sex with men.  This is what's called an open marriage.  The details of how an open marriage works varies by couple.  There are on-line resources available wherein women in your situation can share their open marriage experience and explain why it's worked for them.

2.  Stay in your marriage and make the best of what it is.  This is essentially keeping things as they've been.  You know he's not straight, you know he's cheating, but you don't talk about it.  Instead you put on a happy face --- and keep your fingers crossed that he only has safe sex so he never puts you at risk.

3.  Leave your marriage.  This is for women who want the opportunity to be authentically loved and respected by an honest straight man.  Divorce is not easy and few survive without suffering, but once the bad stuff is over you WILL have the opportunity to be genuinely loved and respected.

You may notice that there is no fourth option wherein your husband confesses his everlasting love for you, sincerely promises to never cheat again, and the two of you live happily ever after.  A great many couples start down this dream-filled path but one or both of them fails to understand that same sex attractions are forever.  Even if your husband never cheats again HE WILL ALWAYS desire men.  And how that desire plays out in your marriage will directly affect you and your happiness.  The reality is that this fourth option is a subset of the second option.  Essentially you both back away from the brink of disaster (in the short run), but nothing is different in the long run.  Nothing *CAN* be different because the fundamental problem cannot be solved.  It can only be accepted, ignored or left behind.

You have three choices.  None of them are particularly good.  The best you can do is chose the course that is least-bad for you.

All that said, please keep posting.  The straight spouses here may be the only people you have access to who have walked in your shoes.  Only they can truly understand how you feel, and as such, they will support you in ways that no one else can.
 

 

June 17, 2016 12:45 am  #10


Re: Husband in Denial!

Dear Confused 123
Be strong, try to stop paying attention his lies and focus on other things that are more positive in your life, like your children, church or social groups.

I have been married for 22 years and my husband is gay/ bisexual and over the year i have experience 3 open exposure of his alternative lifestyle. coupled with that i have noticed his friendly compassionate behavour toward these younger men. i am tired of it, the memories are terrible but i am holding on for the children at least as we share no intimacy, God will make a way soon. 

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum