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June 1, 2017 3:48 pm  #1


Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:01 pm)

 

June 1, 2017 6:12 pm  #2


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

I sometimes still struggle to comprehend the narcissism I've encountered since he was outed. It took a fair amount of counselling and a lot of reading on this forum to realise I'd been living with a narcissist and it's only with hindsight that I understand gas lighting and see him for what he is. I'm still gobsmacked at the way he was able to shove me under the bus to gain sympathy & support for himself, no remorse, empathy or compassion for what he's done. He's making f&@ all effort to have a relationship with his adult children, it appears to me his love for them is conditional on them having unconditional love for him!!

What I'm doing for myself:

I moved house, a huge undertaking to clear out the old family home, downsize & get it all sorted.
I got myself a new car, out with the old........
I attended a Beginning Experience weekend
I'm doing dancing classes once a week
My divorce will be final in a couple of weeks
I'm going on a charity walk, one week on the Camino do Santiago & working on fundraising events for this
I've a couple vacations planned
I'm allowing myself down time without feeling guilty
I've managed to keep myself eating very healthily throughout this entire time, didn't let myself indulge too much!
I've people telling me I look great (he looks like he's aged 20 years)
I'm excited for my life ahead
I'm glad I know the truth, I could never pinpoint what was wrong, always wondering was I not enough, now I know I was too good for that, I deserved and deserve better going forward
I know I wouldn't go back 2 years for anything

Wow, starting out with this post I didn't think I'd have too many positive points to make, I've surprised myself. I'm actually very proud of myself in how I've handled this and continue to deal with this on a daily basis. Of course I do have my challenging days but they're fewer & further apart now.

20 months on & I still can't see myself going on a dating app or an online dating site. At this point in time I can't see how a dating/social life will develop. I do meet friends but it's normally for a walk, coffee, lunch or in each other's house. I need to work on that, how or what to do will evolve, I'm hoping.

Last edited by Foolme (June 2, 2017 12:36 am)


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

June 1, 2017 9:16 pm  #3


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

My husband asked what I wanted to do this weekend for my 40th birthday.  My reply.... I'm going away for the weekend.... By myself!.  You got the kids. 


So unlike me.

 

June 2, 2017 12:38 am  #4


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

Good for you Bec, Happy Birthday, hope your alone time brings you some joy, at least you're stepping out of your comfort zone for yourself!!


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

June 2, 2017 8:24 am  #5


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

Great thread Duped.   I love this.  Hopefully a lot of people will share their ideas and experiences to help everyone find ways to make positive changes in their lives and environments to help move forward. 

1.)  Changed my house.   After she moved out I made some big changes in my home.  I rearranged rooms, furniture, painted, put up new pictures/artwork, etc.   I needed to make the house different and "my own". 
2.)  Took a vacation.   I went to India for 10 days with some friends.   It was a great way to "reset"..  to escape from the old world and my life for a while and center myself. 
3.)  Retail therapy.  I enjoy buying toys/electronics.  I enjoy watching movies and listening to music..  So I bought a couple of new 4k tv's and some home theater equipment and set up my living room and bedroom.  When I have down-time, I enjoy it more now. 
4.)  Fixed up my hobby car.  I have an old Toyota that I love and I'm into car meets and events.  I decided to bite the bullet and just pay to have it fixed so that I could drive it an enjoy it this summer.  This gets me out of the house more and gives me opportunities to meet people.  So it's a key to a social atmosphere that I enjoy. 
5.)  Support Groups - I did two rounds of "divorce care" at my church, have spent a lot of time here, etc..  
6.)  I signed up for online dating.   I met a gal within a week.  It was a nice relationship for me.  There was zero physical because we both had kids and had a hard time getting together and were being very careful about letting ourselves get involved.  But there were a ton of emails and texts and phone calls and great conversations.  I learned a lot from her and it gave me something optimistic to fixate on vs. the sadness of my recent divorce.   It didn't work out because we realized we weren't a good emotional match.  But there were zero hard feelings, so it was a great experience.   Since then I have continued to try to find someone, but with very little luck.  It get the picture that online dating is very much about physical appearance and I'm not an athletic, handsome man..   So now I have more motivation to lose weight and get healthy..  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 2, 2017 9:13 am  #6


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

Well let's see....a month ago it was alcohol, ambien, xanax, and feeling like a viper on the hunt for blood.
This months it's less alcohol, melatonin with an occasional ambien, half a xanax when I felt like I was having a heart attack and feeling a cross between a viper and a wounded bear that just wants to hibernate. 
I do have a list of goals and a Dr. appt set up. 
That's about the best I can do for now.

 

June 2, 2017 3:14 pm  #7


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:58 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

June 6, 2017 9:27 am  #8


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see a thread like this in these forums. I had almost given up on these forums as it seemed like the more I tried to stay positive and forward looking, the more I got slammed for it and I decided it was time to graduate from SSN - although I would still read the blog posts and articles. 

Anyway, here are things I've learned, or that I do, that have been positive steps:

1) Learn something new that engages your mind. I've been taking German lessons again, which I haven't used since I was in college. I did a summer school, abroad / foreign exchange study back then, and I was once fluent - could read, watch a movie, even had dreams in German.  But I'd forgotten so much of it this many years later. Now I'm meeting people, I'm entertained when I'm in the classroom, and it's fun to relearn stuff I've long forgotten.

2) Turn off the TV, unplug the internet, and go outside. It's amazing how much there is to do out there. When was the last time you went to a museum? A concert? Took a bike ride? Joined a social club of people who share your interests and hobbies?  We know that we isolate ourselves too much. Stop it. Go outside and play.

3) Exercise. Joining a gym does not automatically mean you're gay, despite what some writers will try to tell you.  I've lost 25 lbs in the last six months, and my cholesterol levels are down.

4) This will sound counter-intuitive, and I understand why, and I probably would have said the same thing a year or two ago... but when you're ready, make an effort to get to know people who are LGBT. I mean, pro-actively make an effort to meet new people who are LGBT. Do some volunteer work, interact with them, attend a fundraiser or concert, or whatever. Some will say that's fraternizing with the enemy. I don't think so - I call it getting my information from the source. It's been a big part of my own healing.

5) Revisit old hobbies and passions that you've set aside for too long. I've always been a big opera fan, my wife sort of tolerated it for my sake, but she wasn't really into it, and so I put it on the back burner. But I've recently joined a meet-up group for opera lovers, and I'm having a blast with them. It feels great.

6) Realize that when we tell ourselves that nobody else understands us, if we go along with that and believe it and internalize it, then we are helping to construct the barrier between ourselves and them. It's not their fault if they don't understand, it means they need to be given a clearer explanation

7) Listen to as many points of view as you can, even if you don't agree with them. I read a comment on one of the blog posts from someone who realized that when people tell us, "how could you not know?" and "you didn't figure it out?" and so on - it is not meant as a put down or an insult. Think about it - what they're really saying is not "how could you be so stupid?"  - what they're really saying is "I believe in the stereotypes, but you're experience is telling me the stereotypes aren't real."  That is why they get fidgety and uncomfortable when we try to explain our experiences: we are challenging their assumptions about what they thought they knew.

These are the experiences and activities that keep me out of the fog.
 

Last edited by BryonM (June 6, 2017 9:31 am)


"I have given you my soul, leave me my name!"  - John Proctor, The Crucible
"Question everything you've been told; hold fast to what is true and good." - I Thessalonians 5:21
 
 

June 6, 2017 10:21 am  #9


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

Great post Bryon!

I agree with you..  I want to see more positive threads to help us all move forward.   

I have some ideas and plan to start working on some resources.  I even have a helper signed up     I just need to find time to get these things done. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 13, 2017 6:08 am  #10


Re: Looking Forward: What are your positive steps?

I debated starting a new thread as an "update" of my situation, but I think this counts as a "positive step." Today I start a six week working vacation away from home in another country.  My plan while there is to disengage from my husband's trans issues as much as I can. It won't be "no contact," because we're still married and I plan to return home again at the end of July, but it will be "limited contact" for all things trans, including this forum.  What I want to do is give myself perspective and a preview of what life can be like for me after I leave all things trans behind permanently.  I'll probably check here occasionally, but not frequently, for the next six weeks.  
   Whatever stage you're in--just past or long past disclosure--I hope you all find that the summer brings you clarity, hope, peace, and some joy.  
  

 

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