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June 1, 2017 3:46 pm  #1


Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

He's been pushing for me to drive more and more with regards to his visitation.  Our parenting agreement says that he does pick ups, and I do retrieval.  And we did - in the beginning.  But then he started offering to do both.  I have never known why, but I have always thought it was so that he could pick the kids up later and drop them off earlier.  He has more control over his time this way.  Okay - whatever - so be it.  The kids are teenagers now, so even if there's no one home when they are returned, they just use their key and let us know they're home.  We plan on them being there for dinner.  Everything else we can just work out.

Anyway, ex has been pushing for me to drive more.  He hasn't come and SAID he wants me to take on more driving, or why.  He just started saying, "You can drop the kids off at X time" type of thing.  That hasn't been customary in about 5 years now, so no - I'm not just going to start jumping because he's *telling* me to.  I have pushed back - "No,... you can PICK THEM UP at X time."  They are teenagers - I drive CONSTANTLY right now.  I tracked last week's time in the car taking them to and fro, and it was almost 5 hours.  I work full time.  That's a LOT of driving.  My ex does NONE of the driving - never takes them to a doctor's appointment, a job interview, a friend's house, or driving practice for our newest driver.  I of course spend time at the doctor's office with them, too - not just the driving.  Ex chose to move 45 minutes away.  He can't just reduce his driving time down to an hour and a half of driving a month and have me add another hour and a half to the 20-ish hours I'm already shuttling the kids around.  He'll say, "Well, YOU wanted the kids".  Yeah - YOU don't make enough to raise them.  What did you expect was going to happen?  So the dude is paying $600 in child support a month for the two kids, and he drives 45 minutes each way every other weekend.  THAT'S.IT.  We pay for all their food, their clothes, their schooling, their outfits for special occasions, toiletries, EVERYthing.  He likes to think that he pays TONS of child support.  It's the same percentage that every other non-residential parent in IL with two kids pays.  It's not MY fault that he's decided he wants to be a waiter forever rather than utilize his culinary degree.  If he made more, he'd have enough to live off of after child support.  But I digress.  My point here is that I don't need more driving or work of ANY kind added.  I'm f'ing FULL UP.  And he does NOTHING but visit with them for 1.5 days, twice a month.  He takes them nowhere.  They sit around his house, BORED.

Let me go a bit further here and tell you that he has options to visitations that he's never taken advantage of.  He is entitled to have them for a week over winter break, and for two weeks in the summer, and always on his birthday and Father's Day.  And he has entitlement to see them on the Wednesday evenings that he doesn't have them that weekend.  He's never used that ONCE.  Last year he blew them off for both his birthday AND Father's Day.  It's apparently easier and more fun to spend all that time with his childless lover, who finds children in general annoying.  My daughter in particular has been increasingly more annoyed and disenchanted with her father - purely from her own experiences with him.  She knows he's been pushing the driving thing.  I told her that I don't like being taken advantage of, but I WILL make sure she gets out there to see her dad.  I don't ever want to make her or her brother feel like no one can even be bothered with driving them.  She told me no - that he does so little already that if he can't come get her, then she doesn't even want to bother going.  I said, "but then you won't see him."  She's like, "Mom, I barely want to see him now anyway.  Just let him fall down so I can see who he is."  Oooooh-kaaaaay, 13 year-old going on 25.

My ex has made it known to the kids that any time they want to skip a weekend or spend more time at home to be with friends and such, all they have to do is ask. Because it doesn't matter to him if he spends time with them.  Asswipe.  And they do ask every few months.  If they ask for time to go out with friends after school until around 7 on a Friday, he'll tell them he'll pick them up the next morning.  Which turns into early afternoon.  Which turns into only a 24-hour visit with them.  But lately he's been saying, "Surrrre - just have your mom drop you off when you're ready."  As if it's my responsibility to figure out the weekend plans when it's HIM who's allowing them to go.  I've put my foot down about this repeatedly.  If Iiiii am asking for them to stay extra time for a family event or something, then I will get them out there - or I will pick them up early if that's how it plays out.  If HE wants them at a different day/time (including them asking and him okay-ing), then HE has to figure it out.  Two weeks ago for Mother's Day, he called me the week before and asked if I wanted the kids for that Sunday (on what would be his weekend).  I said yes, please.  He told me when I could come get them.  Happy Mother's Day, Kel.

Last week I texted my ex and asked if he minded if I kept the kids until Sat. morning; my sister owns a dance school and they were having their performance showcase (which is all amazing numbers they take to competitions), and my sister had provided us with free tickets.  He said sure - just drop them on Sat. morning.  THEN my sister asked my son if he wanted to work sound at the shows - she needed him on Thurs. from 3-10, then on Fri. from noon-9, and Sat. from 6-9.  She was paying him $20/hour to do this.  Well of COURSE he wanted to do it.  So he called and asked his dad if he could come on Sat. night.  His dad said, "Sure - have your mom drop you off afterward."  I was p.o.'d - WHY am I dropping the kid off when I'm a) already dropping my daughter off in the morning, b) I'm running my son back and forth to the dance shows on what's supposed to be my weekend to not be tied to their schedule, and c) this is his father allowing him to do this on HIS time - figure it out yourself, douchbag.  A day or so later, my ex texted me saying exactly what I anticipated that he would: "Just bring both kids out on Sat. evening."  He could have had his daughter alone for the day, but nope!  He saw his out.  So I asked him if he was working that evening.  He said no.  So I said, "Then you can come pick them up."  No response (not responding is his favorite now).  So I waited until my son was ready to be picked up from the dance thing, and texted their father to say they'd be ready to be picked up in 45 minutes.  He said okay, and 45 minutes later, both he and his partner pulled up while dh and I were doing yard work.  I kissed the kids goodbye but didn't make so much as any eye contact with ex.

It's not 10 minutes later and dd is texting me, saying that ex and his bf are bashing me - and lying while doing do.  They are saying that I told them I couldn't drop the kids off because Iiiii had to work the dance show too, and there I was, puttering around the yard.  I NEVER said ANYthing about working.  And dd knows that.  Now, I couldn't care less what my ex says about me - his opinion means less than nothing to me.  But my daughter is highly uncomfortable with her mother being bashed.  She says that my ex's bf literally called me a bitch in the car.  Then dd changes the subject - tells her father that her graduation present is tickets to a concert with her 22 year-old step-sister.  He says NO WAY he's allowing her to go to that.  Now she's losing it.  Tells him that she wants to go back home.  Nope!  "You don't have that option."  I text her not to freak out - just let him drive her all the way home and I'll come get her.  She's most worried about telling him; she's afraid he'll pull his normal routine and start crying.  I tell her not to tell him until I text to say I'm very close.  That way she doesn't have to deal with it.  Meanwhile, I have to break it to my current dh that no, we're not going out for a romantic sushi dinner.  He had talked to dd just the day before, and he told me he felt like it was going to be their last weekend with their father - dd was getting progressively fed up, and ds was likely to get a job that will keep him busy with weekends.  So he's billing this as our "goodbye kidless weekend" last meal.  So much for that.

I'm on my way out there when dd texts to say that her brother is coming home, too.  Huh?  Why?  She says "Because he doesn't want to leave me alone."  Something's wrong - these two are like oil and water.  They relish being apart, and will argue over the color of the sky.  She texts, "Hurry, Momma.  It got ugly."  Turns out that she couldn't wait to tell her father that she was leaving - blurted it out.  I'm not sure what her father did.  But his boyfriend comes down the stairs and gets into her face and yells, "Your mother's a fucking bitch!"  She looks at her father, and says, "Are you going to let him talk to me that way?", and her father says, "It's not me, it's him.  And it's his house."  Way to protect your kids, DAD.  My ds becomes enraged and starts crying.  The kind of crying a grown man does when he's going to lose it and fuck somebody up.  That's when he says he's leaving, too.  That boyfriend can't talk about his mom that way.

I did call ex when I was on my way there.  He wouldn't answer.  I left him a message saying, "What's going on over there?  The kids want to come home?  Give me a call."  Nope.  We get home mostly in silence except for the radio.  When we get home, ds goes to his room and dd starts crying while telling us what went down.  We were getting out of the car and my dh got to her first.  I had to try to weasel in for a hug because they were all wrapped up together.  I think I got to touch a thigh.  Ha ha.  The kid is graduating this Tues.  She doesn't want her dad to come.  She only gets two tix, and she wants dh and I to come, but is afraid to disappoint her father.  This is what I have now - a girl who is afraid to make her daddy upset.  Ugh.

A little later, I got a text from my ex, stating that from now on, we will be adhering to the parenting agreement, and I will be picking them up.  We won't be doing "makeup" weekends if there's a reason they need to skip a weekend (like for a wedding or vacation with extended family) - he'll just forfeit the weekend.  He tells me that if I want to change things, I can talk to him like an adult.  Now, this is a man who can't spell an entire sentence without a grammatical or spelling error.  There were no such mistakes in his text.  His boyfriend wrote this damned thing.  HE controls their relationship (because my ex brings nothing to the relationship except for a decent ass), so the boyfriend dictates everything down to how much money the kids are "allowed" to receive for their birthdays and Christmas.  Their dad sneaks them more money the next time on the sly.  It's a very lopsided relationship - both in their home, and the one their father has with me.  I refuse to let my ex's boyfriend run ANY of how I raise my kids.  Go fuck yourself (pardon my effing French).

I wrote an email back to my ex a few days later, telling him a) how much he was overdue for child support, b) how much he owes me for recent medical expenses for the kids, and c) that if anyone ever gets in my kid's faces like that again, I'm calling the cops on them.  That it's Dad Job 1 to protect his kids, and he's failing miserably at his job.  TStop worry about driving and start worrying about parenting.  And if he doesn't think I'm following the spirit of the parenting agreement, he can take me to court for a judge to make the decision (any time we've gone to court he's lost ground).  And that he's letting his boyfriend decide what kind of relationship he's having with his kids. I told him that his (now dead) mother would be ashamed of him, as am I.  I haven't heard a word from him since.

Ah, the fun of it all!

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 1, 2017 5:46 pm  #2


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

I hear you kel.  I just started with the divorce thing and so far we're on a rigid schedule that she wanted...or rather she wanted me to have the kids only on weekends and i wanted every other week so we settled on this wacky mix...
I think either of us would rather drive the kids or pay for xyz if it involves not having to talk to the other. 

But I did get an earful the other week from my kid who was fighting with the ex...ie... she goes out drinking every weekend ...she's insane.  Took all my strength not to agree.  Apparently all is not roses in gayland.  I'm even doing an unscheduled kid day because she doesn't want to take him that day.
I most certainly don't mind as I have no gay lover and love to spend time with the kids.  At the same time I do need to get a life.

So yeah they are asshats...i can't believe they don't want more time with the kids...they certainly drive them where they need to be begrudgingly...

I hope our kids look back and see which parent was absolute and unwavering..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 2, 2017 11:06 am  #3


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:00 pm)

 

June 3, 2017 10:23 am  #4


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

Ughhh.  That sounds like it sucks.  I think its worth a call to your attorney to discuss your options.  Otherwise you need to stick to what the agreement says so that in the event that you do have to go to court you can show that you are in compliance and that he's the one violating the agreement.  Sorry that you continue have to go through this.

 

June 3, 2017 10:46 pm  #5


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

I think you just summed up your ex and alot of other ex's we are dealing with the one word you used as a description:
'ASSWIPE'
lol

 

June 5, 2017 9:56 am  #6


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

Thanks, guys.  Your support, suggestions and compassion are very much appreciated. 

My daughter in particular seems to have a handle on this.  I don't really need to go to bat too hard for the kids considering that they seem very able to do so themselves.  After a full week, my daughter finally contacted her dad yesterday (he hadn't contacted her at all since she left his house last weekend).  The coming weekend is supposed to be his visitation again, and dd knows that they're supposed to be going to a family reunion for my ex's boyfriend.  Although she very much likes his family, she hates the thought of being trapped in the car with boyfriend's mouth.  He didn't used to be a problem.  I think I figured something out yesterday, though.  I think my ex is lying to his boyfriend when he can't get me to comply with what boyfriend wants.  So last weekend when I told ex that "The kids will be ready to be picked up in about 45 minutes.", in the car with the kids on the way to his house, ex's bf was calling me a liar - saying that I told my ex I couldn't drive the kids because I had to work the dance show that night.  So when he saw me on the lawn doing yard work, he became enraged at my "lying".  Now,..... I never said anything about not being able to drive the kids, much less why.  For days I was confused - how did this get so screwed up?  So I went over our correspondence to see if anything could be a miscommunication or misinterpreted.  And then yesterday it hit me.  My ex is afraid of telling his boyfriend the truth, so he feeds him lies about why he's folded, and the boyfriend thinks it's all ME.  I wonder how many times this has happened???  I know that my ex still hasn't told his boyfriend about several important, huge issues in my ex's life (including having a heart problem), so it makes sense that he wouldn't tell him about the little things, either.  So my ex's fear of his boyfriend's reaction (and mine too, apparently) is causing him to lie and pitting his boyfriend against me - as the scapegoat.  Now, I'm fine with that - I don't give a shit what his bf thinks of me.  But I hate that my kids have to hear inflammatory language about me because of it.

My daughter brought up a really good point yesterday.  She said, "I mean, how would DAD like it if I talked that way about HIS mother?  Or about (boyfriend's) mother?  They loved those women dearly, and it would enrage them to hear anyone speak about their mothers that way.  Why are they doing to me what they'd never want done to them?  Good point, kiddo.

She says that when she told her father that she didn't want to go to the reunion next weekend, her father said, "I feel like you're punishing me for this past weekend."  She said no - that she had figured months ago that she didn't want to go.  She was just waiting to see if things would get better.  Instead, they got worse.  Ex told her that "I talked to (boyfriend)".  My daughter says to me, "SO?!?  It's not like I've received any communication or apology from boyfriend?  Who cares if you talked to him?  She says she's ready to give up on her father.  I told her that it's her choice.  She doesn't even want him to come to her 8th grade graduation in two days.  We only get 2 tickets, and she would like my current dh and I to come.  She says that my dh is more of a father to her than her own dad has ever been.  And that he's raised her for the past 5 years.  She's just afraid of hurting her father's feelings.  I told her that I understood - and that yes, her father would be very hurt if he couldn't come - AND he would associate it as being punishment for this past weekend.  She'll let him come.  I am NOT sitting with him this time, though.  I've never had to deal with such a big event while being in an active period of unrest with him.  This should be fun.  Lol.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 5, 2017 9:58 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
     Thread Starter
 

June 5, 2017 12:03 pm  #7


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

Kel, how do these exs ALWAYS make EVERYTHING somehow about them? I thought it may be just a transition phase but I see you're still dealing with it years on!

My kids are grown and my STBX has only had two email communications with our eldest since texting her on 22nd Jan saying he'll face time soon, of course the face time never happened. But last weekend my son in law was in town for his grandmother's funeral, my daughter couldn't come, my STBX heard about it after it'd happened and my daughter along with me received two texts 30 minutes apart expressing HIS disgust at not being told by her (or by me to me). I just replied "K". He can be disgusted with me all he likes, again he made it all about him. I contemplated replying his disgust should be focused at himself and how he's let his relationship with his eldest get so distant but felt as divorce is looming I didn't want to rile him further than he already is!

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with such "piss off royally" behaviour!!


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

June 5, 2017 12:22 pm  #8


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

So,.... your ex is upset that he wasn't informed about your son-in-law's grandmother's funeral?  Was he close to the woman or something?  If so, I'd have think the family would have contacted him.  If not, then he's left feeling that he didn't matter - because he doesn't.

And yes - it's ALWAYS about them.  If my dd doesn't want to be with him because of the way he's allowing her to be treated, then he cries about how can she leave him???  Ugh.  She's barely out of childhood, you dick.  Start behaving like a grown-ass adult and father, and your relationship with your daughter could be AH-MAY-ZING.  The kids talked so much about my current dh to their father that they're not allowed to utter his name in my ex's house anymore - because he's "stolen" the kids away from him.  F'ing WHAT?  My current dh has always made sure to never overstep onto what he sees as being my ex's rights as a father.  Because there's no way he'd ever stand for someone doing that to him with his own daughter.  But my ex has to have someone/somewhere else to place the blame (rather than admitting that his lack of trying at being a dad has resulted in his kids noticing that he's not much of a dad).  I'd be MORE than happy for the kids to have great relationships with all the adults in their lives - their father, step-father, my parents, my siblings, their own siblings, etc.  It makes us all better.  I'm not jealous that they're in love with the same people I love dearly - I think they're smart!  The fact that the ONLY person they've moved away from is my ex and now his boyfriend is very telling - especially since I NEVER bad-mouth their father or his boyfriend.

There's a "Judge Wapner"-type show in Chicago, and there's a commercial that's always on, where the judge says to the offender, "Everything you've done, you've done to yourself."  I think that's so apropos for these GID spouses.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
     Thread Starter
 

June 6, 2017 4:44 am  #9


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

What a very fitting comment Kel "Everything you've done, you've done to yourself"! 

We'd never even met our son in law's grandmother, she didn't make the wedding three years ago as she felt she was too much of a bother to people. I'm in contact with my son in law's mother, we meet for lunch every other month or so. My son in law is the only person with my ex's phone number and he wouldn't contact him with the way he's been behaving towards his own daughter! This was just another way for him to feel like the victim, he hates being told stuff by other people, he feels it's his right to be contacted directly. As my daughter put it it's astonishing how he can make the death of an old lady he'd never met about him and how he's been treated! How did I never spot this narcissism in 28 years of marriage............of course with the benefit of hindsight I can see it now.

I was hoping that with time these GID exs would see it for what it really is and at least be an adult for their children but reading about yours doesn't bode well, I guess narcissists never see beyond the end of their own noses. It would be great for your daughter to have a great relationship with her father and he doesn't know how lucky he is with the ex he has in you, you sound so fair and accommodating he should be counting his blessings. Instead he's licking his wounds and wallowing in self pity. When does Karma kick in???!!! LOL!


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

June 6, 2017 9:41 am  #10


Re: Well, my ex still has the power to piss me off royally....

I never even thought mine was a narcissist, but after examining some of his behaviors over the past several years, I see that I was wrong. I mean, he lied to me for 16 years about his sexual identity, so that he could have what he saw as the ultimate possessions of manhood: a wife, kids, a house, the whole American dream.  If it's not self-centered and entitled to lie to someone about who you are so that they'll build a life around you, then WHAT IS, ya know???

Karma kicked in a long time ago, if you ask me.  My ex may still be causing the kids and I pain in some ways on a continual basis.  However, when asked the question "Is he happy now?", I never know how to answer.  I know that he's happier embracing this side of his sexuality.  But in life overall?  I'm not so sure.  He's had two serious relationships in the past 6 years, and neither of them have been balanced and giving toward him.  Now, that is largely (in my humble opinion) because he has not brought much to the table for these relationships.  He is decent looking, but at 45, not young anymore.  He isn't smart, or ambitious.  He's doesn't have a good sense of humor, or a genial personality.  His earning potential is limited and he's not trying to make more of himself, despite having an education.  So what he brings is whatever he can "give" to the relationship.  Usually, it's cooking, cleaning, and in general, being a metaphorical punching bag.  I think because we were young when we married, I expected him to grow and become something more.  But at this age, it's clear to his boyfriend that that's not going to happen.  I had a Christian background and was constantly trying to be (to him and others) who I was supposed to be - independent of how I was treated.  I tried to be respectful, let him be the leader of the home, and let him have a fair say in the relationship.  It didn't work.  I kept seeing that.  But I kept banging my head against that wall anyway - because I thought it's how I should be.  This doesn't seem to be how his boyfriends think or behave.  They treat him as they wish - and he puts up with it - because he can't get anything better.  So I think his daily life is wrought with much more pain and suffering than it ever was when he was with me - despite him embracing his true sexuality.  He could have had something real and long-lasting and fair - IF he'd embraced the truth long ago.  But he didn't - and it's been kicking his ass ever since.  That, in my opinion, is karma at work.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
     Thread Starter
 

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