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Thu Jun 1 6:48 am  #11


Re: Reality

I will absolutely do this.  It is also what I am most afraid of in this process.  He will see this as a major attack and retaliate.  Not looking forward to this part.  But I will do anything to protect these kids and their future. 

 

Thu Jun 1 7:14 am  #12


Re: Reality

Every step you take will empower you to take more and pretty soon you'll wake up and realize you've got it!

 

Thu Jun 1 8:07 am  #13


Re: Reality

Tamiam,

Do NOT be afraid of retaliation.  You no longer need to deal with your STBX.  Let your lawyer handle everything.  That will allow you time and energy to care for yourself and your children.

His retaliation:
1.  If you refer every concern of his to your lawyer, with no emotion, that will save you needed energy.  Just say, "I understand your concern and will refer that to my attorney" (just say that, like a broken record).

2.  If you keep your correspondence to written form, anything he says that is out of line can be forwarded to your attorney.

You might want to consider using an app called "Family Wizard".   It is a way to keep track of all communications.  It also has family calendars, places to store medical receipts, etc.  It is an app for newly formed families (a healthy way to speak of your new family, instead of saying "broken home").  It is my understanding that "Family Wizard" communications are all allowed admitted in courts.  If your spouse/ex knows that what he says is being tracked, he may be far, far more considerate.  You just have to keep all communications to writing.  I haven't used this app, myself, but I may.

I would really not be afraid of retaliation.  Just do what you know is best for the children and move forward.

Last edited by jkpeace (Thu Jun 1 8:07 am)

 

Thu Jun 1 2:05 pm  #14


Re: Reality

Tamiam,

Jk has some great suggestions (above).  If you are *truly* afraid of retaliation, and you think that you need to fear for your life or safety (or that of your children), then you have another issue altogether - and you should speak to a lawyer about it immediately.  You can easily get a restraining order if you can prove that your spouse is dangerous from past behavior (and by proving, I mean telling the judge what they've done).  You literally go into the courthouse, get the order the same day after some paperwork and a quick session with the judge.  If you're truly afraid physically, or he's causing emotional harm, then that's the way to go.

If what you're talking about is more just him retaliating by being an asshole, then jk's right - do NOT be afraid.  Or a least don't conduct yourself like you are.  He feeds off of knowing he can keep you in line by keeping you scared.  He literally has to do nothing, and you will stay in line just because you're afraid of what he may do.  That's pretty powerful!  And you shouldn't let someone have that kind of hold over you.  You need to get angry that he has that kind of power, and decide that he has it no more.  That you will NOT just hand your life over because he's so shitty that he's got you in line because of it.  You are better than that - you are stronger, you are ready, and you need to fight.  Step up to the plate LOOKING ready, and the pitcher feels altogether different about throwing the pitch out in the first place.  Now, he may think he's up against someone who's bluffing, and he's likely to call it.  But that's okay - you're NOT bluffing.  You're going to start acting differently because 1) you need to, and 2) because acting the same will get you the same as you've been getting.  Look at it as him trying harder because he's up against a stronger opponent.  The more he tries, the more scared he is.  That way, every time he lobs a bomb over the wall, you can laugh that he needs to do this in the first place.

I've built quite a reputation on being fair, kind, compassionate and giving.  I don't take offense easily - I don't get angry at every little thing done to me.  BUT..... if someone is doing something intentional to me or my family, they KNOW they will have me knocking on their door to ask what the fuck is going on.  You don't have to be anyone but wonderful you - with a new set of balls. 

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Fri Jun 2 10:09 pm  #15


Re: Reality

Thanks for the advice, everyone.  Today's meeting went well.  I took no crap.  I stayed with just the facts regarding child support and visitation decisions.  I was  imperturbable, he had no target.  At least for today. When he got off topic, into "Poor Me Land" I just started packing up my stuff calmly and he was truly surprised I was leaving.  I told him we came here to put the kids first, not you.  We were able to continue. 

​Plenty more to work on.  Nothing is in writing yet, and I won't rest until it is.  Some of his ideas were just crazy!  Like if I claim the child tax credit, I should pay HIM because he's paying all this child support, and after all, isn't the child tax credit supposed to be a help to parents with child expenses?  What the heck?!   It's going to be a bumpy ride.  I'll know by the end of next week about the lawyer. 
 

Last edited by Tamiam (Fri Jun 2 10:55 pm)

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Sat Jun 3 8:43 am  #16


Re: Reality

Tam,

Yes..be stoic and strong.  It was probably the lowest point in my life during the parential mediation as I watched  my ex in her selfishness over the kids and me.  It was like sitting in a room with Satan.  Even all her legal actions "for the kids" were designed for her and hurt...ie you should give the one kid money each month...huh?  Sure but what does that have to do with anything..how does that solve their school or our our fiancial problems. (I  give my kids money anyway..more than she was asking).


You did good..really good..as a mom with fierce absolute love for the kids should.  The kids need this and your husband is not it.
They are incapable of the love we have..too selfish .that our love goes beyond ourselves they cannot comphrehend.


I think the reason mine and others divorces are so hard is these selfish spouses get to witness what true absolute love is ...it nearly killed me watching someone try to take away my kids.  Its one reason I am so scared of my ex...she is still capable of infinite hurt through the kids.

Again good job Tam


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Wed Jun 14 8:54 pm  #17


Re: Reality

Rob - Thank you for the encouragement!  I really appreciate it. 

​Tomorrow we have another meeting.  Last week's meeting was useless.  Tomorrow is the last chance for us to try to put something down on paper for a marital settlement agreement.   If it goes badly, I am ready.  At least that's what I keep telling myself.    I'm as prepared as I can be.  I have my legal facts and advice.   This will be a turning point one way or another. 

​Meanwhile, work has been going better.  I'm no longer missing days at a time.  If I'm having a "stuck" morning, I can usually work my way out of it in a few hours.  The kids are not great but steady. 
 

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Wed Jun 14 11:35 pm  #18


Re: Reality

Tam,

Glad to here it.  I had a lawyer to defend me against the evil..um I mean narcissism.

Don't feel bad doing what is right.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Thu Jun 15 9:38 am  #19


Re: Reality

Tam,

I'm glad to hear your voice again.  You sound strong - whether you feel it or not.  And that's good, because it means that you'll sound strong to HIM, too.  It's interesting how our minds can evolve during a process like this.  We start out being afraid because the other person is more vocal or overtly forceful than we are.  And we think that if we are to have a chance at gaining what we need in the fight, then we figure we need to be louder and more aggressive than them.  And we can't imagine ourselves being that way - we aren't that type of person.  So we tend to want to back down and concede.  But it turns out that when we think of TRULY strong, we think of unmoving.  For eons, humans have moved around mountains because moving through them is virtually impossible.  They don't make a noise.  They aren't aggressive in the least.  They just..... SIT.  They sit where they are, and they don't move - even if you start to chip away at them or blast them apart.  The mass of them still just sits there.  Be the rock, Tam.  Be the quiet, unshakable force of true strength.

You've got this.  You know how to do this now - I can feel it.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Jun 27 11:05 pm  #20


Re: Reality

Ugly dose of reality this past week.  My son was hospitalized again for depression and being suicidal.  He's out now and doing better.   One of my daughters is not much better.   Another one will barely be at home because of just memories of her dad.  These 3 older ones are so hurt.  And my STBX is so "offended" that they don't want to see him or have anything to do with him.   

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