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Sat May 27 9:30 pm  #1


Hi all,
​So I'm starting a new thread because I struggle with balance between the ugly reality of life right now, and the life I want to have.  If I think too much in the future, it's overwhelming.  If I think too much on how hard today is, it's overwhelming.  (The past belongs in the past - I get that one.  When the past rears its ugly head, I'm getting better at dealing with that.)    Where do you all find the balance? 

​So here's the now:  My STBX came out as gay 7 months ago. I had no idea he was gay.  Not an inkling.  He moved out 3 months ago.  He has a new partner and had been seeing him since last August.  We were married 17 years.  5 kids, all still school age, elementary - high school.   My STBX is textbook narcissistic personality.  (Also a new understanding for me.) 

​He left the house for a new life.  Fine.  But he left all the crap here.  All the emotional mess that he created.  I am working so hard at getting rid of stuff in our house, both physically and emotionally.  He missed the deadline to get rid of his stuff, so out it goes.  So much devastation left behind with the kids and with me. The older 3 know about TGT, and took the idea of their dad cheating like they were hit with a hurricane.  The younger 2 don't know and they are handling this more like a typical divorce.   We, the kids and I,  have help with counseling, and for us it's a good help.  I have a son and a daughter who deal with severe depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts and he thinks they are not mentally ill, but spoiled and misled. 

​So much more to the story, but that's all I can do right now. 



Sun May 28 7:25 am  #2

Re: Reality

I'm so sorry, but glad you found us. Have you attended any face to face str8 meetings yet? Those were a lifesaver for me in the dark beginning. It just sucks, plain and simple, for you and your kids. I hope you have a good attorney, first of all, if you own a home, even though he left, he's still responsible for half of the bills of the marital home, mine had to pay me a hefty chunk of money at settlement for that which he was surprised to discover. Keep posting, you sound strong, make sure you are finding time to take care of yourself too, hopefully you have family and friends to help with the kids.


Sun May 28 7:42 am  #3

Re: Reality


So sorry.  Yes sometimes we need not look too far ahead.  Your kids need a strong fierce mom sounds like you've made some steps. Keeping walking forward. Each little step helps.

Just be stoic and strong...a lawyer is needed to part ways with a narcissist. .especially a cheating one.  He cannot just walk away (even though you need him away)..he is entitled to half of the debts.  You may find some use for him in helping with the kids..driving them to their events etc..paying for stuff.  But don't look to him for emotional or grown up help with the kids.  They are too selfish for that.  Don't be surprised if he fights with and chooses himself over even a 5 year old on the playground.

A sincere warm hug.

Last edited by Rob (Sun May 28 7:43 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Sun May 28 5:21 pm  #4

Re: Reality

Hi Tam.  I'm glad to see you post again. 

I'm sorry that things have gone poorly for you.  Your husband has treated you and your kids horribly and there is no excuse for that.  But your kids are so lucky to have a mom like you.  You will survive this.. you are already and you are making fantastic progress.  

What can we do to help?  Please keep posting and sharing your thoughts and emotions.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Sun May 28 10:16 pm  #5

Re: Reality

Dee - Thanks for the support.  I did reach out to the Straight Spouse Network just today after reading your post.  Meeting face to face sounds good.  We'll see if there is anything in my area.   It's just about impossible to talk about all this with anybody!  Either they are connected with my work or STBX's work.  I would like to be more forthcoming at my job, but all the kids don't know yet.   

​Phoenix - Thanks for the encouragement.  I get really down and kind of stuck.  If the kids are at school, I have found myself just staring for really the whole day while they are gone.  I'll keep trying to get things done, but I just can't.  Then something will snap me back.  Like it's about time for the kids to start coming home from school, or a meeting or rehearsal for work.  Then I'm ok.  I guess it's just so much to be strong and steady around the kids, that once I get by myself it just all hits at once. 

​Anyway, I do think it's time for a lawyer.  I don't know how I'll manage it, but I'll figure something out.  His bizarre behavior is just too much. 

     Thread Starter

Mon May 29 6:16 am  #6

Re: Reality

I had to call twice before I had a return call from the str8 network, I'm pretty sure they are all volunteers. I hope you can find something in your area. Most attorneys offer free consultations, at least you can find out where you stand legally. And be forewarned, his bizarre behavior most likely will only get more bizarre. Mine definitely did, and it sure seems like a common theme here too.


Mon May 29 7:14 am  #7

Re: Reality

You sound like a wonderful mom to 5 kids! You are so strong and brave, and are succeeding wonderfully during all of these incredibly tough times life is throwing you. Having kids with potentially life-threatening mental health challenges is definitely a lot to deal with.

Please lawyer up so you can make sure you are the parent in charge of making health care decisions for the children long term instead of their narcissist father. His mean response to your kids' struggles truly saddened me to read.

When looking for a divorce lawyer, ask around for one who specializes in "high conflict divorce" and make sure you let the lawyer know the timeline of things, and can document when he left the marital home, and any support he has paid, etc. Screenshot text exchanges between you and save emails etc. Basically any mean things about you or the children that he has put in writing you'll need to save.

The fact that yours came out to you suggests while he is definitely a narcissist he is not an over-the-top guns blazing narcissist intent upon gaslighting and ruining you forever like so many we read about here, so that's perhaps one tiny positive note in your favor. Overall I'm concerned your husband does not take the psychological health of your kids very seriously. Guys like this may eventually begin to shirk their child support obligations, so you definitely want a tough lawyer in your corner to make sure your kids have their support to the full extent of the laws in your state.

Stay strong and know you are not alone!

Last edited by edithkeeler (Mon May 29 7:19 am)

Be awesome & stay positive

Tue May 30 8:34 am  #8

Re: Reality

^---   This is great advice from edithkeeler.    

Tam, don't worry about those times when you are stuck and can't motivate.  I think our body has a limit to how much stress it can take and it needs those down times.  I had the same issues..  gosh, when it first happened I spent a few weeks barely able to get out of bed.  For months afterwards I would have frequent times where I just couldn't motivate to get anything done.  I would just waste an entire day staring at a computer screen or television.  

What I found helpful was to write down a to-do list.  Having a written list of things to accomplish helped me focus much better.  When i was having a bad day, I would just pick one or two of the easiest items on the list and get up and do them.. Being able to take a pen and cross something off the list was very satisfying..  I could then go back to relaxing without feeling so guilty about wasting all that time.  I had done something.. and could now justify relaxing a bit.     

Anyway.  keep on keeping on..  You will get through this.  You are doing great so far!  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Wed May 31 4:51 pm  #9

Re: Reality

Really tough day today.  STBX is already complaining about child support and how it will affect his budget.  Definitely time for a lawyer!!!

     Thread Starter

Wed May 31 10:02 pm  #10

Re: Reality


Yes,  when you have  leaking pipe you call a plumber.  When you have a gay cheating spouse you call a lawyer.   


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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