Hi River,

I'm sorry you have the need to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

It's not an easy journey.  I'll be honest and say that I didn't suffer in the same way as you do, though.  For over a decade, I was left to wonder what on earth the real issue was in my marriage.  I tried very hard - everything I could think of - but none of it made one iota of difference.  So by the time I asked for a divorce (due to lack of intimacy), I was completely over him.  My pain came more in bite-sized amounts every day.  It sounds to me more like you're trying to swallow it all at once.  Two different kinds of pain.  One wears on you, the other hits you like a bus.  Neither are good.

I can fully understand being lonely even with you're with others.  You are missing the relationship you had before disclosure.  The easy rhythm of every day - having someone there to share your day with, to eat with, to lie in bed with at night, to know that they have your back.  It's just gone now, and it's understandable that you miss all those things.  Even for those of us who don't miss our actual spouse, we still miss those things that people crave marriage for.  The peaceful easiness of being part of a team, the shared ambitions and goals, the warmth of a body to gather heat off of.

It's good that you understand that she didn't "do" this to you in the most real sense of the word.  She didn't choose to be gay.  She didn't WANT to be gay.  She just.... was.  I looked at it as if it were an asteroid that hit us (my ex and I).  He didn't want it to hit him, and he didn't want anyone to know he'd been hit.  I got hit as a side effect, really.  And it didn't matter why.  I could have analyzed it forever, and nothing was going to change.  It wasn't a punishment, it wasn't a trial, it wasn't a test.  It just.... WAS.

I choose to believe that when he married me, he loved me.  Maybe not in the way that he should have, but in the only way he knew how to.  In that hopeful way where he decided that his desire to spend his life with me was stronger than his desire for sex with men.  And then as time wore on, that desire became stronger.  Until it was something he couldn't escape.  It started to affect how he felt about me.  He'd even get angry at me for preventing him from having the life I never knew he wanted.  He was restless, angry, vague, confused and scared.  And I went along on that ride, never knowing I was even on it.  Well, I knew I was riding something - I just had no idea what the name of the ride was.  I thought it was called "life".  Turns out it was called "Life with a Gay In Denial Spouse".  Had I known earlier, I'd have forfeited my right to ride it repeatedly.  But I didn't.  Maybe HE didn't.  I don't know.  I've come to the part of my journey where it simply doesn't matter any more.  It is what it is.  And I have no choice but to accept that.  Just like if I'd gotten hit by an asteroid.  I'd need to rebuild, which is what I've done.

I am supremely happy now.  I met someone and love our love.  I wouldn't go back for a million years.  I was clutching at confetti vs. drawing on posterboard as I am now.  I can't believe I ever though I could do it all before.  Or WANT to.  I thought it was what I should do.  That it would feel soooo rewarding to keep that relationship together through the ups and downs.  And it never was.  It never could have been as good as what I have now.  F*ck confetti.  That was craziness, and I thought it was normal and that I had to keep going.

Things will change over time.  Try not to worry so much about why.  It's difficult, but it helps immensely.  You will never be able to come up with an answer that works well for you, so in the end, it's more frustrating than just accepting.  It wasn't you.  That's all you can know.  It.wasn't.you.

All the best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 11, 2017 2:08 pm)

Happier days will be ahead for you.  What you are doing today will help you reach that point.  You need to fully process your feelings and emotions so that you can deal with them and move forward with life. 

I'm glad you decided to post today..  Doing this is therapeutic and will help you start to unearth some emotions and hurt that you need to work through. 


Now.. to your questions:

River wrote:

 I am also struggling with the why questions.  Why did she bring me on this journey?  Why did this happen to me?  Was my entire marriage a sham?  Did she really love me?  Was she feeling the love that I felt from our marriage?  I think that she did, and I think that she didn't want to be gay, but in the end it became too much for her to bear.  It makes me sad for her really.  This is also why I think I'm not so angry and more sad. 

 

She has led you to believe that it just happened.. she somehow found out that she was a lesbian late in life.  This isn't true, it's an excuse so that you won't be angry with her for being selfish.   My apologies if this is harsh, but based on everything I've seen and read, a same-sex-attraction is something you are born with and you realize in your early teen years.  Some people embrace it and live an honest life and others try to be heterosexual.  Your ex, and mine as well, and nearly everyone here on this forum chose to hide it, deny it, think they could change it, etc..  I wouldn't go so far as to say she intentionally ruined your life.. but she wasn't honest with you before she married you. 

"Why did she bring me on this journey?"   She wanted to be straight and live a straight life.  She thought she loved you and if any man in the world could make her happy, you were the one.  She didn't think that she would reach a certain age later in life and no longer be able to live with herself.  But that is ultimately what happened.  She was selfish and dishonest and that turned out to be cruel to you, but I don't think what a recognized intention at the time. 

"Why did this happen to me?"  Because you are great guy!  You roll your eyes when you read that I'm sure..  but think about it.  You were so special to her that even without a real genuine sexual attraction, she still fell in love with you and wanted to marry you.  Your personality was perfect for her.  I've been struggling with the next level of this question because I'm religious.. "why did God let this happen to me".  that's a hard question, but I believe that bad experiences refine us and make us even better people.  We can use the trials and what we've learned to help others.  Also, with the experience of pain and sadness we set a benchmark by which we can measure true happiness later in life.  

"Was my entire marriage a sham?".   No.  I can totally understand the feeling though.  I think the same about mine.  All of my memories are tainted.. all those good experiences, vacations, fun, are all now tainted because I know she never really fully loves me.  But this isn't the proper way to think about it.  She did her best to love you throughout your marriage.  Those memories are real and were real at the time and should not be dismissed or discolored because of what happened at the end.   This is very hard.. admittedly.  But I encourage you to believe that she tried her best and all of the love you had was real, despite her internal sexual struggles. 

"Did she really love me?"   Yes.. as much as she possibly could given the handicap she had.  She didn't share the same physical, sexual lust for you that you did for her.  She tried, but she couldn't.. it's just not how she is wired.  But love is more than just sex..  In all those other areas, she loved you very much.  I know this is true because if it were not she would have left you long ago. 

Was she feeling the love that I felt from our marriage?  Yes she was.. with the exception of the physical desire.  That was just not there in the same way you desired her.  She may have still enjoyed sex, or did her best to let you believe that.  But it wasn't quite the same as your complete love for her. 


When you read the above answers to your questions you will notice that I'm giving her some credit and "the benefit of the doubt".   With other forum members, my answers have been more damning toward the gay ex.   The difference is entirely in how your ex handled the end of your relationship.   She paid you a great deal of respect, and honestly.. love.  Most gay-in-denial spouses don't come out until they are caught or until they are motivated to leave by a new love for another person.  Most are so selfish that they don't care what harm they do to their spouse at the end of the marriage.  Your ex could have found a new love and cheated on you and done emotional damage by lying to you (like mine did).  Your ex could have turned on you and made you the bad guy and raged at you and tried to hurt you (like Rob's did).  Your ex could have left you with no concrete explanation.  With no kids you could easily have parted ways and never seen each other again, so what motivation was there for her to be honest with you..   The answer is because she really does love you.  She cares about you and respects you.   In this horrible, awful, devastating experience, you have the silver lining of an ex who treated you like a human being and with the love and respect you deserve.   I won't call you lucky.. but it could have been so much worse. 


So how do we get you from the misery you are in currently to a place of happiness?   That's the goal now. 

I think you need to unpack your emotions and you are doing that here.  I would suggest you find a councilor or therapist to talk to as well.  If you have anger issues, and you have every right to be angry, try to deal with those emotions, find forgiveness and peace and move forward. 

Do you have a support system that you can share reality with?  Best friends?  Family?  It helps to have someone to talk to about your feelings.   We are here for you!   There are str8 spouse support groups in cities across the country as well.   Try to connect with someone if you haven't.   Harboring this secret is bad for you and the victim should never be forced to keep a secret at their own detriment.   This doesn't mean you maliciously out your ex.. but you are entitled to share your story with people you trust to help you get better. 

In the absence of hope, despair wins out. 

Time to start looking forward to better things.  Hope is a powerful ally.  When you have hope in your heart your vision of the future is bright and shiny.  What do you want your life to be like in the future?  You are in your late 30's, financially secure, mature, and a rock star who kept a lesbian happy for 12 years.  Imagine how happy you are going to make a straight women!!!    What about the benefits of being single..  freedom to come and go as you please, no responsibility, you can set up your bachelor pad however you want.   When you are ready, you can start dating again.  The dating world is a different place now than it was 12 years ago. 


Anyhow.. that's a lot to throw at you at one time. .  Hopefully some of it helps. 

Keep sharing and talking with us.  We have been through your pain and know what it's like.  We are here for you. 

Phoenix,
   I'd just like to say that I actually know of several women, friends of mine, one of whom is my closet friend for over 30 years, who became what are referred to as "late life lesbians."  In each case, the women had been happily married, were no longer married, and decided they wished to live "woman identified lives."  My friend and I have had some pretty long and frank discussions about her decision.  
   Perhaps such women are not the majority, but their experience is real.   It's simply not the case that all women who become lesbians later in life have always been lesbian.  So it's not automatically the case that all women who becomes lesbians later in life are lying to their spouses about it for a long time.  
  I'm sorry if this seems confrontational, but I've see a version of this claim several times, and each time I think, "sorry, this doesn't square with my experience." 

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Phoenix,
   I'd just like to say that I actually know of several women, friends of mine, one of whom is my closet friend for over 30 years, who became what are referred to as "late life lesbians."  In each case, the women had been happily married, were no longer married, and decided they wished to live "woman identified lives."  My friend and I have had some pretty long and frank discussions about her decision.  
   Perhaps such women are not the majority, but their experience is real.   It's simply not the case that all women who become lesbians later in life have always been lesbian.  So it's not automatically the case that all women who becomes lesbians later in life are lying to their spouses about it for a long time.  
  I'm sorry if this seems confrontational, but I've see a version of this claim several times, and each time I think, "sorry, this doesn't square with my experience." 

I appreciate the input.  I haven't heard any real cases of this.  I only heard it used as an excuse.  It just doesn't seem logical that a same sex attraction would develop later in life.  Doesn't that make it seem like it would be a choice rather than "hardwired".  I'll change the way I reference this in the future to not make it a blanket statement.  Thanks OOHC