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May 10, 2017 11:01 am  #1


This is way too much for me to handle.

I have a 4.5 year old and was trying to have another child for over 3 years. Three misscarages really took a toll on me. In Dec I told my husband I wanted to pause trying to have another baby and get a new job. Weeks later he disclosed that he is transgender and my world just about shattered. I love him he is my best friend. But would that love be able to transition with him? I have not idea...

He said he still wanted a baby and I said I did too as it's been what I have wanted since I had my first... but secretly i said i wanted another baby even though he was transgender as a ploy to at least postpone any kind of transition untill I could at least see if I could have a happy life married to him. At this point I just don't know how I feel. And have been focusing on my daughter and figuring out how to parent this...

I got a job last month and we decided we would wait till I was in the job at least three months before trying again. All the while I was sceptical that I would want to try to have a baby. The reason why we were waiting three months was logical was because I'd be able to get FMLA and maturity leave as I'd be with the company a year by the time of birth... again.... having a baby with my transgender husband was not something I really thought smart to consider...

And here is where the rubber meets the road. This morning I realized I was a day late. The pregnancy test I took had a faint line....positive..... I couldn't believe it since we barely have sex and I track my cycle and... Well I guess I was wrong.

On the way to work this morning I cried..knowing I'm either going to have another child (very mixed feelings) or I'm going to have another loss. Both of those options scare me to my core and I'm terrified. And at this time I won't have FMLA coverage and I'm terrified!

I haven't told anyone about the positive test. No one knows his secret. No one knows he wears women's clothing under his clothes to work and sleeps in a fully padded bra.

I'm not sure what to do. I guess there isn't much to do but wait.... I feel so lost and fragmented. All i can think is.... another miscarriage or a baby with a transgender husband who will want to transition after baby is 6mo old at the latest.... and I'm not even going to be able to stay home with baby very long! How am I supposed to cope?

Last edited by Katie62 (May 10, 2017 11:04 am)

 

May 10, 2017 11:54 am  #2


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

Katie
   I'm so sorry you need to be here.  What your husband is putting you through is more than awful enough without adding in a possible pregnancy.
  My husband also declared he was transgendered, a little over two years ago, and although I had initially planned to leave--I decided I could not and did not want to allow my life to be defined by his transgenderism--I ended up not leaving.  I wish I had.  I spent almost two years of my life consumed with his issues, and am only now regaining my sense of myself (and becoming self protective).  I now will again initiate a divorce, although not for some months (I have very specific reasons). 
   What helped me initially was educating myself: please read J. Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen," and the work of Anne Lawrence (a transwoman).  They are psychologists with expertise in autogynephiles, which from what you describe sounds like your husband (and mine); Lawrence describes them as "men trapped in men's bodies" who would like to have female bodies. Men who have this psychological urge are like addicts--the more they indulge it, the more they want; the more they get, the more they believe they are actually women.  
   You need to realize that your husband has changed the terms of your marriage. He wants to become your wife, not remain your husband.  He will tell you when he has sex with you that you are in a lesbian relationship.  He will probably tell you he is "the same person," and think this means it's all ok; but turn this around and ask yourself (and him): if it doesn't matter whether he's man or woman, why can't he stay a man--why does he need to act like a woman?
   If you simply "wait," or "react," you will continue to feel overwhelmed.  You need to be able to do something for yourself, just so that you have something to cling to in this sea of uncertainty.   Contacting this network was the first thing you did for yourself, and I hope you are reading around, starting with the threads on cross dressing and transgender.  You will see yourself and your situation in some of the posts, and you will see stages represented that you haven't yet experienced. I suggest you also see a counselor, one for yourself, not with your husband.  And find a friend or family member to confide it; it makes a world of difference to have someone in your day to day life who knows what has happened, even if they can't fully understand what you're going through.
  Again, so sorry you're here.  

 

May 10, 2017 12:05 pm  #3


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

Hi Katie, 

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and going through such turbulent times.  Things will get better, you just need to navigate through this storm. 

How do you cope???   One day at a time. 

When we find ourselves in crisis you need to start getting through one day at a time.  Figure out what you can handle on that day and get through it.  If things get overwhelming.. back off and take care of yourself.  I learned that all the fears and thoughts of the future were killing me.. I couldn't function.  So I had to learn to put aside decisions and fears that I were months or years in the future and not things that I could control or impact today.  By focusing only on the things I could control today i was able to better manage my stress. 


We have some great women on this forum (OOHC you've already heard from).  They will be able to share the saga of dealing with a trans husband.  Hopefully they can be a huge comfort and help to you. 

Keep sharing.. let us know how we can help. 

If you have any local family or close friends you can confide in to help you bear the burden that would be good. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

May 10, 2017 12:56 pm  #4


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

Thank you both for your support and words of wisdom. I had been seeing a therapist until recently when my insurance changed. I should go back and see him. The first several months of my first pregnancy all I did was cry and sleep. And my life was happy then.

I feel awful that I'm not anything but over joyed about this pregnancy possibility. I worry about my daughter and her ability to havr a happy life with a transgender parent... and having to force her to adapt to being  a big sister at the same time is scary.

I have to focus on the here and now. I have to find more support. I have to cope.. my daughter's happiness depends upon my ability to not only to make it work (inside or beyond a marriage) but my ability to find happiness or at least contentment.

I am thankful to have found this place of acceptance. Thank you

     Thread Starter
 

May 10, 2017 1:17 pm  #5


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

You need to realize that your husband has changed the terms of your marriage. He wants to become your wife, not remain your husband.  He will tell you when he has sex with you that you are in a lesbian relationship.  He will probably tell you he is "the same person," and think this means it's all ok; but turn this around and ask yourself (and him): if it doesn't matter whether he's man or woman, why can't he stay a man--why does he need to act like a woman?

^ THIS.  ALL.OF.THIS.  They want you to accept them as if them transitioning is "no big deal".  But if it's no big deal, then why can't THEY be the one to drop it?

And I don't believe one single word of that "it feels good up against my skin" BS.  (not that you have said that's what he's said.  I just see it all the time.)  We put on panties all the time, and I never ONCE during the day think, "Mmmmm, this feels so gooooood."  Gimme a break.  He wears it because it makes him feel like a female.  Which he enjoys.  Whether he takes it to the end and gets a sex change operation, or just wears the clothing all the time remains to be seen.  But my god - Iiiii don't wear a freaking bra to bed, do you???  They're uncomfortable.  There is NO reason to do that except to feel that he appears like a woman.  And you didn't marry a woman.  You're not into women.  You married a man - because that's what you like.  To change that most basic element of the relationship on you now is something that he should NOT expect you to accept.  But he's going to act like it's no big deal, because he wants it to BE no big deal to you.  But it's a VERY big deal to him.  If you flat out refuse, he's not going to just stop dressing as a female and be happy anyway.  You are at an impasse.

If you would be okay with him dressing in female garb when he's not in your eyesight, then tell him that. Tell him he can do it under his clothing, or when you're not around.  But no - he can't wear it to bed and expect you to see him as a man you're attracted to anymore.  Watch his reactions.  He wants this more than he wants you.  He may initially say okay, but soon enough, he'll be pushing the envelope again.  Or he'll be hiding it - taking time from you so that he can indulge in this obsession.

You don't have to accept this just because you love him.  Or because he's your best friend.  He's been into this for a loooong time now, trust me.  And he didn't tell you.  Because he knew you probably wouldn't stay if he told you.  So he deceived you in order to capture you.  And now he wants to spring this on you because he just can't hold off any longer.  He knew exactly what he was doing.  You do NOT owe it to him to accept this.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

May 10, 2017 1:18 pm  #6


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 2:03 pm)

 

May 10, 2017 1:35 pm  #7


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

Katie,
You are not alone.  Keep posting and it does help to know others are going through this too.  I'm new here too, my husband of 14 years told me he was cross dressing the day after our anniversary!  I'm probably close to the same place you are... struggling because I love him and thought he was my soulmate... but how much can I accept?  Will this work at all?  My world is in turmoil.

If you can find someone to talk to... a friend, a sibling, a texting buddy even it does help.  Hugs

 

May 10, 2017 5:12 pm  #8


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

Katie,

I'm so sorry.   My mind is racing with the erasure he is foisting upon you and how you must be feeling. His masculine identity, your relationship, your family dynamic, his ability to think rationally, the very understanding of what gender means, what you understand you are as a woman and what you understand it is impossible for him to ever be.

It's all so much. Too much.

The only thing I can really say is foisting that kind of erasure upon children is something to think long and hard about. When we teach children that discarding our logical understandings to feed paraphilias is a thing to do, we set the stage for the children to adopt the same mentalities. And when we teach our children that fetishes come before how we value and treat other people, we set the stage for that mentality as well.

I'm so sorry, Katie. Your heart must be shattering. I know that because mine's cracking just thinking about you.

 

May 11, 2017 2:19 am  #9


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:44 pm)

 

May 11, 2017 2:44 am  #10


Re: This is way too much for me to handle.

Katie, I'm so so sorry you find yourself here but in your circumstances here is a good place to be!

I've no advice, there's plenty of good advice already given by people with similar situations to yourself, my heart just goes out to you. Well I guess my advice is take care of you, try to park what you can't deal with right now and be kind to yourself. If you're religious or spiritual perhaps believe that the right thing will happen with regards the pregnancy, try not to worry too much about your conflicting thoughts re pregnancy or miscarriage, you don't want to worry yourself and then feel guilty whichever way it goes. The universe might give you the right outcome there.

You've so much to be concerned and worried over, please find someone to confide in and be in your corner and let them be there for you, this is too much for one person to be dealing with!


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

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