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Tue May 2 11:45 am  #1

porn addiction he says

What a long strange trip it's been. 9 years of this surreal rollercoaster. I'll try not to type a novel here. Do forgive my blunt speech, I don't have it in me to mince words right now.

He says he has a porn addiction. He blames everything on the porn addiction. He states it has twisted him into something he is not.

The background -
At age 5 he had homosexual encounters with neighbor boys, one in particular more than others. This other boy was 10. He recalls being upset at first, but then liking it and willingly participating thereafter. It consisted of oral and hand jobs. He never told any adults nor did he ever try and avoid it. It went on for around a year until his family relocated.

At age 9 he discovered porn in his uncle's room at his grandma's house while staying there during the summer. He watched the vhs he'd found daily and thumbed through all the magazines. He says he was particularly fascinated by the penis on screen, the size especially, and money shots were terribly exciting. He'd rewind and watch the money shots again and again. When he went back home, he started watching porn at night on his parent's cable system every night.

At age 12 a friend showed him computer porn. It started with the old thumbsites where he would go through the pics seeking out vid clips to masturbate to. He would do this for hours daily. He started collecting and saving his favorite pics and vids, dividing them into catagory folders. He started a transsexual folder right off the bat. Gangbang, trans on females and males, became swift favorites. At age 15 he added mmf bisexual content. By age 17 he added gay content. Throughout it all, one thing developed that stayed consistent. His love of extremely large penis and money shots. No matter the porn type, penis size and copious male orgasm were requirements. So much so that what is referred to as "cumpilation" videos became a routine.

During his porn career he would try and simulate the videos as much as possible. This included CE and self facials where he would pretend it was from another man. He would also specifically time his orgasms with the videos to attempt a more immersive experience and feel like it was actually happening to him.

He had an emotional long distance affair with a gay friend from approximately age 19 to 22. It never got physical, but was way over the line for normal male friendships.

He started cruising craigslist at age 22 looking at trans and gay men. He says this was short lived as he was very dissatisfied with what they all looked like. It never resulted in any hookups or even any conversation he claims.

Oogling people (male and female) in public was constant. With females he would tend to isolate parts. He'd fixate on boobs or an ass. With males it was more elaborate. He'd imagine them with a huge penis and fantasize about himself being submissive and servicing them orally. Objectifying people became an all day every day thing at work. If he encountered a male customer that triggered him (large, dominant, well built) he'd finish his service, go back to his truck and fantasize about him. If he had time before the next service, he'd seek out a gay porn vid depicting the type of man he had interacted with and another man submissive to him in order to feed and better visualize his fantasy.

By the time he was 27 years old, his porn use had evolved to 75% trans, 20% gay, and 5% anything with a female in it (gangbang or mmf pretty strictly, lots of penis and large penis being the aim still with anything containing a female).

Sex has always been terrible. He always had ED and had to manually stimulate himself constantly or lose erection. In order to perform or get off, he resorted to fantasy routinely. I don't think I need to say by now, the fantasy was not female, you get the idea I'm sure after all of the above.

All of this came out into the open when I just couldn't take his secrecy and erratic behavior anymore. I'm trying to condense this tale as much as possible, but over years I would ask what was wrong only to be perpetually lied to. One night I just had enough and blew up on him. He confessed a 17 year porn habit and over a series of months fleshed it all out in conversation (or at least claims to have told all anyway).

I'm left shocked, stunned, and utterly confused. A porn addiction I can get through - gay I cannot. And all indicators scream gay to me. His masturbation actions, his content, his craigslist searches, his gay friend affair, his oogling and objectifying men right before him in public, his big penis and cum fetish, his need to fantasize about men and penis in order to have sex with a female...

So here I am, looking for opinions. Seeking insight. He swears he's straight. He claims it's all driven by porn addiction. But something within me isn't buying it. Something in me says porn is simply not enough to drive all this.


Tue May 2 12:40 pm  #2

Re: porn addiction he says

Straight men don't look at gay porn.  They find it gross.   Your husband is gay. . 

Sorry to be blunt, but there really isn't another way around this.  

Hypothetical questions:  I assume you are comfortable in your heterosexuality.  If you decided to watch porn would you look at men or women?  I assume women.  If you weren't interested in women, why would you watch them?  Do you think that watching 1000's of hours of women you would turn yourself into a lesbian?   If a person could "convert" themselves into a heterosexual by watching porn, don't you think that medical solution would be a well-known "fix" for gay?   

You are right to trust your gut.  Your husband is trying to find an excuse.  He doesn't want to admit to being gay.  He doesn't want to admit to leading you on into a marriage and using you to try to hide his SSA.  

Sorry Lyonene.  
As you come to grips with this, please lean on us for support.  This is exactly what we are here for. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Tue May 2 1:10 pm  #3

Re: porn addiction he says

I think women and men viewing porn is very different. Many straight women are known to watch lesbian porn because it's more kinda gentle and sensual, and the men in porn aren't all that hot! But I agree straight men probably aren't into it that deeply, all my straight bfs have only seemed to be into straight porn and the straight guys here say as much. I get looking out of curiosity or whatever but habitually and imagining and fantasising all these scenarios isn't straight.


Tue May 2 9:15 pm  #4

Re: porn addiction he says

Mine claims porn addiction as well.  Although yours has admitted more than mine is willing to.   My GIDH will only recently even admit to looking at any male porn even though I have seen more and more and more.  Just told me a couple weeks ago that he was molested by his father.  He is doing counciling with our pastor and recently went to see my therapist as well.    According to him he has no sexually desire for men at all and couldn't figure out why he watched men at all, but now it all makes since.... He's trying to deal with what happened to him as a boy.  He swears to me that he has completely given it all up.   Has no need for it anymore.   This is the 3rd time I've addressed it with him but the first time I made someone else, our pastor, aware of it.  Every other time he just denied.  Now that he knows I'm serious he tries to feed me just enough to pull me back in.   If that doesn't work he'll feed me a little more

Problem is, I don't buy it any more.    Regardless why he did it.  I've lived 13 years wondering what was so wrong with me that my husband didn't want me.   Wondering why sex was always so uneventful, so mechanical when it did happen( once every 3-4 months).   Crying myself to sleep....    I can't unremember all that.  I can't unsee what I've seen..  It's been a very slow process for me but I'm making progress.


Tue May 2 10:57 pm  #5

Re: porn addiction he says

phoenix wrote:

Straight men don't look at gay porn.  They find it gross.  

I had sure always assumed so. He's not my first relationship rodeo, can't say I've ever encountered a straight man into dude porn. This is a new one on me.

He's pushing porn addiction really hard. His newest tactic is digging up science to back him. Today he sent me this (see next post, this forum has a post quota for links)

Mine claims porn addiction as well.  Although yours has admitted more than mine is willing to.

I'm sorry, Bec. The whole thing just sucks.   It makes you start to question your sanity.

Yes, I got quite a lot out of him. Hell hath no fury like an enraged Irish girl. I came down on him like the Inquisition. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed - I am FURIOUS. He's a con, a sham, a lie in human form.

Perhaps sad and whatnot will arrive for me later. Right now I'm blind fury.

     Thread Starter

Tue May 2 10:58 pm  #6

Re: porn addiction he says

Link from previous post:

     Thread Starter

Wed May 3 2:05 am  #7

Re: porn addiction he says

Mine also claims porn addiction but gives himself away in other areas and contradicts himself. As for the link he's digging up from your brain on porn, how do we know that wasn't written by someone who knew their spouse was reading and hoping to get back with them. Mine posted on a porn addiction forum about how he had lost everything and it was all down to porn but when I said I wouldn't look so he could be honest he stopped bothering. They are cleverer than we think. He likes transsexuals, I am sure he prefers them to regular women, simple as that. I'm not one. It's hurts but that's that.

Last edited by Duped (Wed May 3 2:05 am)


Wed May 3 8:20 am  #8

Re: porn addiction he says

Perhaps he's so deep in denial he can't own his sexuality; if so, porn makes a really good deflective device: "It can't be me, so it must be porn!"  
  Whatever he is--GID, Trans-in-denial, warped by porn--his first step is to get clear: stop looking at porn and get to a therapist. 
  Your course of action may depend on whether he's willing to do those two things above; or you may have already decided that what you need is to not wait around while he figures himself out but to extricate yourself.  If he doesn't and can't make your relationship and marriage his first priority (and he hasn't done that so far...), you know there's no future.   


Wed May 3 11:11 am  #9

Re: porn addiction he says

Mine also claims porn addiction but gives himself away in other areas and contradicts himself.

Seriously?! I had no idea claiming you were a porn junky was the new down-low! This is very interesting!

I don't doubt he has a porn problem, he definitely does. The data usage from him is off the chain. What I doubt is that porn drives them to be trans/gay/bi. They do the clicking and choosing afterall.

you may have already decided that what you need is to not wait around while he figures himself out but to extricate yourself

This is not one of those things I'm going to be able to work through. Our whole existence together is a lie. I know as much about a complete stranger I drive past on the freeway as I do about him.

     Thread Starter

Wed May 3 11:34 am  #10

Re: porn addiction he says

It's interesting how once we know someone's back story, their behavior becomes more understandable to us, and therefore, more accepted.  If they fed you the main point at the beginning of the relationship ("I'm addicted to gay porn and I can't get off without gay fantasy / role playing being involved"), you'd run screaming into the night.  And they KNOW that.  So they don't tell you. Or they crack that door juuuuust a tad, to make sure you're okay with a bit of funky stuff.  They figure they can work with that.  The rest they reveal over time - often not intentionally.

I dated a man for a hot minute who started out acting like a normal dude, but VERY quickly started talking about "cuckolding" - him watching me sleep with other men - sometimes wanting to participate.  I made it clear that I was NOT interested.  I wanted a relationship, and I wasn't cool with the man who supposedly loved me sharing me around like a bowl of popcorn.  A straight man who truly loves a woman doesn't want another man even LOOKING at his woman, much less touching her with his permission.  So he backed off and told me it was just a fantasy he was interested in.  He didn't NEED it.  But it quickly became evident that he was lying.  He was just hoping to keep me interested so he could introduce the content again very subtly and progressively.  If I confronted him about it, he'd just back off for a few DAYS.  Then it'd start all over again. I wound up breaking up with him because he was into things that at his age, were staples in his sexual diet.  And I didn't want to participate in those things.  I can't even IMAGINE what it'd have been like 2 years down the road!

They know.  They're crafty.  They know if they personalize the story, we can connect with them and see them as not being a monster.  But the bottom line is that he has this problem, it's deep-seated, and it's not going away.  Do you want to keep dealing with it?  If not, you need to find the strength to decide that this relationship might have its good points, but the bad points are SO.HUGE that they can't be outweighed.  You didn't sign up for this.  He knows that.  He has no right to expect that you'll be cool with it.  He's just trying to normalize it so that it's not as repugnant to you.


Last edited by Kel (Wed May 3 11:35 am)

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