:...Her life can only get better from here. Mine, however, has lost all purpose.."

Welcome Hiker..    I disagree.    I profusely disagree.    You cannot see it now just as we all cannot see the future.   But this I know in my bones.. our futures are better without such people lying to us and hurting us.

I hope your wife remains "the good person" that she is and is friendly.    Gather strength though and do not
mistake friendship for trauma bonding.   Know that you did everything right.

 

yes please listen to your solicitor.  You don't know this because you are still focused on the past marriage but your future matters and it is important you get every cent you are entitled to.  You will need every one of them to set yourself up again.  and as time goes by and you are in your future looking back, you don't want to feel like you got kicked all over again on the way out the door.  don't let yourself be financially disaffected as well.  you are already experiencing the results of emotional disaffect.

as someone a few years on the other side of divorce I can tell you the thing I regret is the money I gave him not the money I kept from him.

 

Hi Hiker33, 

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  I'm even more sorry that it took you 2 years to find us.  I wish we could have helped you earlier.  

As I read your comments it brought me back to some of the exact feelings I had during my early days.  I was married long enough to get used to the lack of intimacy.  In fact things were getting better toward the end because she was trying to keep me in the dark.  She and my kids were my entire world.  Like you, I was very co-dependent.  What that means is that my satisfaction and happiness with life came from my wife.  Her love is what sustained me..  Now I look back and see that I was like a starved prisoner clinging to those few bread crumbs and thinking they were my entire life's value.  So when she said she was a lesbian it rocked my entire world.  I nearly lost my job as well.  I was in a very deep depression.  I couldn't sleep, didn't eat, had anxiety attacks.. it was awful!   

So... you are among friends and people who know exactly how you feel.  

Just sharing your life experience in public is the first step in getting YOUR life back.  Keep reading, keep sharing, touch base with other threads, etc..   Writing out your emotions is great therapy. 

Please allow me to give you some more advice.. 
Please see a Dr. to ask about anti-depressants and sleep meds.  You need to take care of your health.  Taking some meds to eliminate the side-effects of your shock and depression will help.  It's not weakness, but rather strength to know that you need help and seek it out. 
Please find a therapist or councilor.  You need to talk through your emotions with a professional who can help you identify issues and start working to fix them.  You need to figure out how to find happiness in yourself without the co-dependency.  That's really hard.. I'm not there yet either.  But making progress in this area helps. 
I'm glad you are not mad at her and taking out your anger on her.  But you can't blame yourself.  If you have only two alternatives, you need to place the blame correctly and it doesn't belong to you.  You didn't lie about your sexuality and compromise another person's life and health for selfish reasons.  

The good news..  You are only 39.  I'm the same age.  I wish I would have learned this at 29.. but at least it's not 59.  We have time to rebuild our lives, find a new spouse, build for retirement.  You will do these things.  You will get better and you will find happiness!


Let us know what we can do to help.  We are here for you. 

 

I'm the same age as you Hiker33 and struggling with similar emotions.  You are not alone and one of the best things you can do is find a therapist to talk to and help you work out these feelings. 

I was with my husband for 14 years and he dropped a bomb on my life.  Some days I just can't see beyond right now.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

As far as the financial and legal things go, everything is settled. We had no disagreements there, in fact she told me I could take it all if that's what I wanted. I've always been a minimalist, I don't need that much to live and we frankly don't have much to split up. 90% of it was clearly hers or mine. All my tools, musical instruments and camping equipment I kept, all her nice cookware, her piano, etc, she kept. We've kept separate accounts for several years so the money isn't a big issue. We split what was in the joint accounts and called it good. No mortgage, one vehicle owned outright (mine) and one we owed $3000 on (hers). She's taken over the loan and paid me for my half of the equity in the car. She took full responsibility for her student loans. I kept the dogs, she kept the cat. Neither of us saw any point in trying to nickel and dime everything down to the last cent. We both got what we wanted and it was honestly very fair.

As far as medications, Benadryl for sleep is as far as I'll go. I avoid anything that's going to affect my mood or thinking. I have no desire to take something that will make me feel better until I stop taking it. That's not a solution to me, it's a band aid for something I'll just have to deal with later. I understand the purpose and I recognize that the need could arise, but I'm not there. I'm here because this is the first traumatic thing in my life that I haven't been able to process and resolve myself. People die, you lose jobs, relationships end, catastrophes happen. They're hard but they can all be dealt with. This is first one I don't feel like I have the tools to handle on my own and I sincerely appreciate the support. While I wish no one ever had to deal with this, knowing I'm not the only one helps.

As far as blaming god, I don't believe in any of that. I guess that was my metaphor for knowing that while I didn't do anything wrong, it happened anyway and was beyond my control.

Co-dependency. Yep. I don't feel like that was a bad thing in our marriage; I loved her whole-heartedly and the importance of material things and other issues weren't hard to handle because we were in it together. I had a partner. Now I find out my partner was never honest with me, or herself. It was never what I thought it was and that's a hard thing to process. It's the loss of that partner that's hard to take. I spent most of my life alone, I just need to remember how to do it again.

Thanks everybody. This does help.