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April 28, 2017 12:29 pm  #1


Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

Hi I am new here.  Last week My husband of 14 years told me the day after our wedding anniversary that he had been secretly dressing as a woman and was looking into what is done to move forward to live life as a woman.  I never saw this coming.

I was (and still am) completely devastated.  I know we have grown apart and complacent and I regret that my actions caused him to seek this out.  He claims he still wants me... but I am not a lesbian nor do I wish to be married to a woman.  I'm attracted to men.  I told him I would leave if he pursued becoming a woman... it is a path I cannot follow him down.  Even though I love him so much it destroys me.  I can't for many reasons.  I just don't see that changing for me.

We have talked a lot and he says he wants to make our marriage work.  There are things I can accept and compromise on and he claims those things are enough (woman's underwear, kilt in public, dressing in private, tucking) but will they be??  Or am I headed down the road of separating in the future because they will not be enough for him?  Any insite is appreciated.

 

April 28, 2017 12:41 pm  #2


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

Welcome Tinkerbell, 

I'm sorry you find yourself here.  You didn't sign up for a marriage with a trans.  You have every right to be angry, hurt, devastated, etc.. 

One thing I will correct you on immediately.   You didn't cause this.  Your actions didn't cause him to seek this out.  His gender issues are not caused by a spouse, they are a deep seeded, long kept secret.   You are a woman..  is there anything your spouse or anyone else could do to make you feel like you want to be a man?  Could anyone cause you to want to change genders?  I think not.. 

We have some forum members with trans and cross-dressing husbands.  I'm sure they will pop in and say hello and offer some good advice. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

April 28, 2017 12:48 pm  #3


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

Del

Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 1:59 pm)

 

April 28, 2017 2:11 pm  #4


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

Tinkerbelle,
    My partner of 33 years did and said the same.  He disclosed to me just over two years ago.  I've been where you are, felt what you are feeling, and been tempted to accommodate.  Ultimately, I've decided to walk away--and I'm 63 years old!
   1)  You didn't "cause" this.  Not by ANY of your behavior, and your taking the blame onto yourself is an indication that you are manipulable by him--and he WILL try to manipulate you.  In fact, he already is, by saying he wants to remain married, as if the decision is YOURS, and the fault for a breakup will be yours, because YOU will have decided to leave, when the real fact is that HE has broken the marriage up already by altering its terms.  As you say, you married a man, not a woman.  If he wants to dress and act like a woman, he is no longer the man you married.  And that he isn't able to perceive any of this, and believes that you can stay married even though he wants to live as a woman, is your first warning sign.
2)  If there's compromising to do, you can bet your bottom dollar YOU will be doing the compromising.  Whatever you agree on initially, he will push the line and shift the goal posts.  In terms of a sex life, it will all be on his terms: he will need to dress and act like a woman (a fuck-me caricature of a sexually submissive woman, no doubt) and you will be accommodating that.  If he's looking into "transitioning," and you stay, you will be living your life as the wife of a transwoman.  Every facet and aspect of your life will be determined by his status as a transwoman.  
3) I agree with Duped; what he's telling you reveals that he's been researching all this for some time.  "Tucking" is a very specific word and act; he didn't just pull it from the air.  He's been on all the trans friendly and transactivist sites ("Trans road map" etc), places that feed and normalize the compulsion.
4)  You need to read something about what your husband has--which is autogynephilia.  I recommend Michael J. Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen" and work by Anne Lawrence.  Christine Benvenuto's memoir "Sex Changes" about her own husband's autogynephilia is good, too; (avoid "My Husband Betty" unless you want to be guilted into staying with your husband-cum-wife).  I found the blog "My Only Path to Power: DIary of a Transwidow" very helpful.
5) As you will quickly discover, living with a man who wants to be a woman and acts out this desire is very similar to your husband having an affair--except the "other woman" is himself.  It's also like having your formerly straight spouse disclose they're gay--because your husband is now going to pronounce himself a "lesbian," while you remain straight.  I recommend "Chump Lady"'s blog--you will learn A LOT about the way he acts and the way you undermine yourself and your own interests (and a whole new vocabulary, too).  And a warning: most sites for wives of crossdressers or transwomen will be designed to manipulate or guilt you into thinking there's something wrong with you if you can't adjust to give your husband what he needs.  You'll read stuff like "s/he's the same person s/he always was!" which is easily countered by flipping it on its head: if it's no big deal, if he's the same person, then why does he need to change?  

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, which is telling you NO WAY!  Your intuition that he is going down a path you can't follow him on and your straightness not changing are your best friends right now.  Act on that intuition and that certainty.  It sucks, it hurts, it's awful, but it's only going to get worse if you stay.  Autogynephilia is always there--"a constant itch that needs to be scratched" my husband said--and it ALWAYS escalates.  I was a huge chump and tried to accommodate my husband, and all I got was two years lost time.  The fact is, they're much more committed to acting on their compulsion than they are to you or to your marriage.  
 GET OUT, the sooner the better!

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 28, 2017 2:25 pm)

 

April 28, 2017 2:24 pm  #5


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

Thank you both.  He told me he hadn't been happy and started looking for answers and found transgender information online.  All I can think is if I had kept him happy would he have looked???  Could I have prevented this? 

Our lives are so intertwined I can't imagine life without him but I feel like I have to.  We are in a horrible position right now with owning two houses, one not complete.  We were renovating one so we could move and sell the other.

Some days he talks like we can make this work and I feel ok but then other days he says things that make me question it.  I'm devastated and feel almost worse then when I mourned the loss of my mother.  How do you move on?  Or do I fight for this marriage?  Is marriage counseling going to help??  Is it worth it?  Or will I be looking at him walking down the path to becoming a woman later because he needs it to be happy?

Last edited by Tinkerbell (April 28, 2017 2:30 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 28, 2017 2:30 pm  #6


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

OutofHisCloset, I just saw your post and it Totally hits home in SO many ways!  I do feel like he is cheating on me!  I hate this.  I hate this all so much!

     Thread Starter
 

April 28, 2017 2:54 pm  #7


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:31 pm)

 

April 28, 2017 3:00 pm  #8


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

God we are two peas in a pod tinkerbell I feel like you. Blaming myself feeling like if I did this different if I didn't do this. It's a horrible endless cycle until you decide to break it. But, everyone is right just like me you entered the relationship with the expectation of a Mutual intimate honest loving relationship. But it's not what we signed up for. It's going to be a long hard road sorry but I'm not great at Sugar coatings because I am looking at the same road and wondering what do I do now? But keep posting and talking and express your thoughts your feelings and we will get through this together with support and honesty.

 

April 28, 2017 3:06 pm  #9


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

Tinkerbell, when you say he says things that make you question it, what do you mean? What sort of things?

 

April 28, 2017 3:21 pm  #10


Re: Staying together and both compromising... does it work??

Duped wrote:

Tinkerbell, when you say he says things that make you question it, what do you mean? What sort of things?

Today for instance, he called and asked me what I thought about him getting his ears pierced.  I asked just one and he said no, both.  I had to PRY it out of him that he is interested so he can wear dangling women's earrings.  Why pierce just to wear earrings in private??  He could wear clip ons.

And when he first came out he said his compulsion wasn't that bad... that some people commit suicide over it but he never felt that way.  Then, a few days later he said he had been so unhappy he wanted to throw himself in front of a train.  It can't be both ways

     Thread Starter
 

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