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July 18, 2016 1:30 am  #1


CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

CDH progressed to Trans, now I wonder, have I been completely bloody duped?!!
New member hear & looking for answers.....I found my husbands secret fb page for his crossdressing/trans alter ego , that I was supposed to be locked out of, but i found a way to get to his account ;)....anyway, I kicked him out today after 24 years of marriage upon finding his "intro" to the aforementioned page said "My GID issues are killing me!"...I took this to be Gay-in-Denial, but he swears it means Gender Identity Issues....He has nothing but other trans as his/her fb friends on this particular account & full on men from other countries. He is so crushingly secretive these past 5 years and nonchalantly informed me a few months ago he no longer refers to himself as CD, but "Trans". Yes, I wasok with the CD, didn't like it, really turned off tbh, but I was being supportive, insecure, desperate & liberal and actually HELPED him with style, make-up, costumes etc. Then, like ALL CDh's, you give them an inch & they take a bloody 100 miles!. It has/had taken over his life, leaving me rotting in silence & support to the point where I don't even know how I got here! I am so far away from the woman I was even 10 years ago that i'm in a fog (& not that pink bloody fog that has stunk up my home & life for 23 years) I am absolutely GUTTED! I guess I'm just looking for a wee bit of validation as I've spent the last 6 hrs crying, throwing up & distraught over losing my mate, best friend & partner in , well, everything! I feel like I'm in the middle of a bad dream & my solution was, "Fuck it!, Let's just solve this by jumping off a cliff!"

Sorry for that rant, in short, can GID stand for Gender Identity Issues to a CD/trans husband?

I would also like to say, this site & all you GENEROUS hurting souls that have bravely shared your stories & perspectives have been my life line this past month as i lurked, looking for advise & answers. ((((((Bless you, love & respect surely awaits you all )))))

 

July 18, 2016 11:11 am  #2


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It can be so difficult to see the reality of the situation when you're in it - particularly because you believe your partner, and so you wind up hearing what you want to hear, and then you need to decide later (when you see proof to the contrary) if you believe their words or their actions.  My advice: believe their actions.  Actions show intent.  Words are just, well...... words.  They mean NOTHING without action behind them.

What he's showing you is that he's willing to lie and deceive you in order to have a secret life behind your back.  Whether GID means "Gay In Denial" or "Gender Identity" (but then what's the "D" stand for???) is kind of immaterial.  He's got a secret life that he's hiding from you.  Not.Good.  Why hide it if you already know about it?  Because what he's doing is only giving you a bit of what he wants you to know, and then doing so much more behind your back.  If you were cool with his life, then why create alternate realities?  And what part of the gender identity is "killing" him if he's out to you and you literally help him with dressing?  It just doesn't make sense.  The only thing that makes sense is that there's more to the story than he's giving you.  And since he considers himself a trans now and he's already disclosed that to you, the only thing that he could be hiding from you is that he's wanting to be with men.  And he's likely doing so.

I'm sure you'd never have helped him along this path if you thought that it would mean him leaving to be with other men.  He has deceived you.  He knew what he wanted.  He just didn't have the balls to tell you.  And he's not going to now, either - he for some reason wants to stay married.  We never do really get why they want to stay married - but for some reason, it's their base.  They want the status quo PLUS the sexual side - outside of their marriage.  That shouldn't be okay with you, and it's okay that it's not.  He KNOWS that - it's why he's hiding it from you.

Please don't be fooled.  He wants to be a straight WOMAN.  Which means that he wants to be with men.  You're not a man.  I don't know how this could work without you just sacrificing yourself for his benefit.  But he's obviously not willing to do the same for you.  Game over.  And it IS a game.

I'm so sorry -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

July 18, 2016 12:11 pm  #3


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

Kel, Bless you for taking the time to reply/advise/offer help & support...you do that often I see & it is soo generous. I SO appreciate your candor. It's all bang on. I needed that validation that I'm not some paranoid, selfish bitch. I have given & given for so many years & honestly, the only thing I got in return is a hard working parental partner. This is what he thought was enough apparently. And yes, the status quo is what kept him lying & playing this game with my head, plus he doesn't want to lose the home he/we worked so hard to build together. The "home' being both literal & metaphorical. 

I would also like to mention something very interesting that makes one say "Hmmmm?" about cross dressing. His father was/is also a crossdresser. We found out at an event where one of "grampa's" old friends recognized my husbands last name. Of course, his father would/has not ever admitted it, but also projected critical physical attitudes on his children, ex wives. Perhaps it's a gene issue? Regardless, I will not survive if I stay in this dark hole. (I said that more for my own affirmation, than anything else)

Cheers to you Kel, much appreciated

     Thread Starter
 

July 18, 2016 6:26 pm  #4


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

NO, you're NOT crazy. Your "normal" barometer was re-set and keeps being re-set, so that every time you get more piled in your plate, you only see it as being a little bit more than the last time you looked. "It's not so much more than the last time I looked", you tell yourself. But you never stepped back to look at the fact that at some point - without you noticing it - your plate had been replaced with a platter, and then everything overflowed onto the table, then onto the floor. Your normal became HUGE. So you never saw it turn into the amount of rotting slop that you'd have to consume just to get ahead.  You are never going to be able to eat all that. You never would have agreed to attempt to in the first place if you'd known what your plate would eventually look like. And yet you feel bad for not finishing what you started.  JUST to be able to say that you did it. To be able to say that when you committed yourself to him, you meant it. You will see this through thick and thin, because that's the kind of woman you are.

That's your story right there.  Now, if that was MY story, what would you tell me? You'd tell me to stop chewing immediately,wouldn't you?  You'd tell me there's no point in continuing unless I was fine with being sick - and potentially dying - for this thing that no one but ME expects of me.  "But...", I tell you, "my husband says I can do it! He says he NEEDS me to. That if I don't keep trying, then I don't love him. He needs me to not be selfish. And I love him.  And I want to please him". You'd say, "Sweetie, that's noble of you. But it's not true. And he's a jerk for even asking that of you. He expects you to eat it all because he doesn't want to stuff any of down his OWN throat.  He would rather watch you kill yourself trying to please him than to eat any of it himself."  This isn't "thick and thin". This is sticking it out through lies and betrayal and deception.  And for what?  So you can say you'retenacious? You you can say you're nade of steel? Why? You don't get any prize for all your heartache and pain. Just more expectation of the same."

Now, I will give you a nugget of wisdom that my current husband gave me one day, which helped me immensely. I was feeling guilty for the 4,000th time about kicking my son out - even though I knew I HAD to in order to protect my other children.  My son would call me crying. Guilting me about "Mom, how could you do this to me? I need to come back home. I'm your son. Help me". Meanwhile, he was a complete and utter jerk to me and hadn't changed one bit, nor had he attempted to meet my requirement of getting psychological help.  I was crying after telling my son no again.  I said to my husband, "It hurts so bad! I don't know what to do! How can I not help him?". And here's what my husbsnd said to me: "Kel, he knows you're feeling like this. It's WHY he calls you and says those things. He is using your soft heart against you."  OH. MY. GOD. He was right!

Don't let him use your soft, giving, loving, wonderful heart AGAINST YOU. It's an amazing thing, what you've put yourself through just to give to someone. But he's using your nature and you're softness against you as a weapon.  Despite what he makes it look like, HE KNOWS THIS. He's just hoping YOU don't know. That way he can get you to lay down yourself so he can have all of his needs and desires met. And all the while looking like a poor, tortured soul.  Is that how a husband is supposed to act toward the woman he cherishes??? No. No.it's.not. If he loved you like he says he does, he would be trying to make you happy.  Because that's what a man in love derives his happiness from. Anything to make his woman happy.  Anything to see his baby smile.

Get angry, hon.  You have every right to. You don't need his permission to tell him he's full of shit. That he has been all along, and you finally woke up. That you're done with him using your own heart against you for his gain.  He knows what he's doing. He's going to pretend that he doesn't, but it's a lie.  Only you can stop this madness. He sure as hell won't.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

July 18, 2016 11:53 pm  #5


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

Jesus. Are u psychic? Seriously. And thank you. Most is our situation for sure. Uncanny actually, but i suppose that's what happens when spouses compare stories. There is an unfortunate similarity strewn through everyone's story. I'm really bummed I now belong to a club I did not willingly sign up for.

Shame, heartache & stress will definitely manifest itself into physical disease if left unattended. I'll bet I'm not the only one who's physical health suffered immensely, both cumulatively & profoundly, because of this emotional war & years of being in darkness. No one really talks about the physical consequences, but I can't imagine many spouses get away unscathed. I know I haven't. The potent description you laid out above is 80% what's been going on for me for the last 2 decades (damn, that is sad!). 

I'm determined to climb back, for myself & my daughter, so I'll keep u posted on the progress.
many thanks & so encouraging to hear of your beautiful partnership with your new husband!
Cheers

     Thread Starter
 

July 19, 2016 10:51 am  #6


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

You're not the only one who's felt the weight of our situation manifest itself on us physically.  It's something that most if not all of us have felt.  At least those of us who know anything about our spouse's sexuality (whether the truth, or we find the evidence of the truth).  It takes SO much our energy to deal with that every day.  And if we can't give up the attention being paid to anything else (the kids, the job, the house), then our health starts to suffer.  It's our body's last stand.  It's saying "If YOU won't do something, Iiiiiii will".

I myself got sick all the time - got strep throat and bronchitis and the flu.  I got strep one time that was antibiotic resistant.  I just could.not.get.well.  It was weeks off of work, worrying about how to get better so that I could support my family.  I didn't even realize it then - I thought maybe I was just that pathetic.  Well, let me tell you that since my ex left (5 years ago now), I haven't been sick ONCE beyond your standard cold.  At first I thought it was a coincidence.  But it's not.  After YEARS of being sick, he leaves and I have years of NOT being sick?  That's not a coincidence.  That's my body showing me that when I'm happy, I function better all the way down to a physical level.  That's some science right there.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

July 19, 2016 1:13 pm  #7


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

"..our health starts to suffer.  It's our body's last stand."

DITTO here.  I would physically shake with trauma in the beginning because she was out having sex.
Then I would shake when she yelled and raged for this past year ...

Every day was draining...  .I  feel like I've aged 5-10 year in the last year and a half.    A year and half of being in constant fight or flight mode.    A horrible way to live... I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

I urge you now to be kind and compassionate to yourself..   your body needs it.   
 

Last edited by Rob (July 19, 2016 1:16 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 20, 2016 11:46 am  #8


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

Kel, That is NOT a coincidence for sure! I'm hoping my issues disappear or at least are mitigated as I move forward. I have some pretty serious stuff going on and because i ignored them (or more importantly I ignored the issues in our marriage) for so long, they have worsened to the point of major medical intervention. The physical & mental drain just makes the "to do list" that much more difficult & daunting. I've scheduled in some therapy appointments to start soon, after seeing that mentioned on this board as a "must do". I'm a big believer in Louise Hays & Christine Northrup's philosophy of "unresolved emotional issues manifesting into physical form". And I have for years known this, so I'm just an ass for ignoring everything for so long.

On a side note, but extremely telling, when i was searching for  "Therapy for spouses of CD's/ Trans", there was NOTHING in my very significant Canadian city for the str8t spouse, but pages for the LGBT community. these forums & resources are basically our only and/or first lifeline. Sad.

Rob: I'm sorry you've had to endure so much pain. You need to remind yourself with the affirmation (daily!) how incredibly BRAVE you are, not just for having survived your situation, but for being courageous, smart & generous enough to open up & SHARE it! Men don't typically give themselves the freedom of emotional expression and by you sharing your experience & it's effect on you, you are doing so much good for your own success, but also to the other men who may be suffering in silence, for fear of opening up. Bravo!! 

     Thread Starter
 

July 21, 2016 7:24 am  #9


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

Whatasham,

No I'm not brave.  Stoic, determined, kind, empathetic , compassionate.  But no any bravery I have is from God or my kids.

I do share here..  I live, I feel.
I see kind, compassionate people here and I can't believe how mistreated everyone here is.  Its not right.  I wish I had met one of you instead of my ex wife all those years ago.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 31, 2016 12:47 pm  #10


Re: CDH progressed to Trans now I wonder,.......

Just a thought, GID might be gender identity disorder, which used to be a psychiatric diagnosis.

 

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