myhubby,
So sorry you find yourself here.    Your username betrays you though.. You are so much more than a wife who's been cheated on by a gay husband.   The lover being a guy is horrible....the lover being a priest just makes it even more horrible.   I think you have a lot of us beat there.

"..My husband wanted to protect him and said he'll do anything (except reconciliation) for me as long as I don't tell the church, his family, friends or anyone about it. I still love him.."

You can look at from the point view of your faith where God says 'vengeance is mine'  and  you can look at it from a point of view of what is in it for you.    In this case telling the church or his family in anger may not buy you much except some immediate satisfaction..  it will not make him come back to you.   And you don't want him to..
On the other hand keeping his secret for leverage at some point in the divorce process may be to your advantage.   I kept that in back pocket... my get out of jail free card should the divorce go all the way  (to trial).   I could have gotten her girlfriend in trouble and even unemployed but to what end... so I could get more rage and wrath from her...  Nope...very little in it for me.    I most certainly told family and close friends, the SSN, even my priest about why I had to leave my then wife.   Even my priest told me  God would not want me to live in an abusive marriage with a cheating wife.

So time to build YOUR support system,  and take care of YOU..  Do not give him a second thought... you want to get away from him and you want a good divorce settlement..  See what your lawyer says about TGT and if it can be used at all..   Depending on your state it may nor may not make any difference.  
Off the paper you can simply tell him, if the divorce is going badly ,that you want it more in your favor or you'll tell...     These GID spouses are paranoid.    Happy in his pictures you say... you can see how happy he'll be having to respond to the divorce complaint and settlement.

Write back for support. Small steps.. always foward.

Wow..  reading your story reminded me of so many similar issues I had with my ex.  I completely empathize with you and I feel your pain.  All of us on this forum know this pain.  I'm so glad you found us and had the courage to share your story.   It's very healthy to write things out and get them off your chest.  We are here for you!

I'm so sorry you are going through this struggle.  You have been betrayed in the worst possible way.  Your husband is a fraud and lied to you about who he is.  He has used you as a "beard" to make himself look like a straight man and help him hide his homosexuality.  He has lied to you, cheated on you and hurt you.  
You deserve better!    Let us know how we can help you start your journey.  You have so much wonderful life to live.  You will find a fantastic loving husband who will share your faith and desire a family.  You will have a wonderful life.

I would encourage you to keep your heart open to your faith.  I understand that attending a Catholic church would be very hard to do since it was a priest that your husband cheated with.  But, please remember that all humans are sinners and fall short of God's desire for us.  Even priests are human and are weak.  Perhaps you could find another church to attend?  

My faith has been my anchor through this hard time.  It was hard and I questioned some things and struggled with my faith, but without that, I'm not sure how I would have survived.   I would encourage you to remember that God is faithful.. ALWAYS.   We may not understand why he allows us to endure struggles, but know that He has a plan for you and loves you more than you can possibly imagine.  He's got your back and he'll get you through this trial.   You will come out the other side so much stronger and better for it.

A couple more thoughts for you.

1.)  Please see a Dr.   I'm very serious about this for a few reasons.  First, you need to get checked for STD's for the sake of your own health.  I know the thought of this is incredibly painful, but most of us on this board have realized that what our spouses admit to us when we catch them is usually just the tip of the iceberg.  Second, tell your doctor about your chest pains.  It could be serious.. you are in shock.  Not just metaphorical shock..  real actual physical shock.  That has health consequences.   Also, if you are having any trouble with anxiety or sleeplessness, get some medicine for that.  You want to remove symptoms that make your life more challenging.  

2.)  Start to research the laws in your state regarding divorce.  Check out some attorneys..  most give low cost or even free consultations and you can go ask lots of questions.  You don't have to file right away.. just go ask questions and learn about the process and find out what you can do right now to prepare yourself. 

3.)  Whlie he's away, start taking stock of your situation.  Collect all financial records and documents so that you have the information you will need later. 

4.)  most important - find a support network!   Do you have local family and friends you can count on?  Don't keep the secret and suffer all by yourself.  Find someone to share with you.  Today is your rainy day.. use what resources and friends you have.  It will make a huge difference. 


One last thing..   I would absolutely expose the gay, cheating Catholic Priest.  He should not be allowed to be a Priest.  I'd consider it my duty to help everyone else in the congregation by making sure such a horrible heretic was not in a position of religious teaching any longer.    HOWEVER..  I would play your cards strategically.   Divorce can get ugly.. Having some leverage against the other person can be extremely valuable.  Those secrets might be the leverage you need to earn a much more favorable result.  If that is the case, maybe you use that leverage against both of them for a while...    I did this and it was extremely helpful.  I only had to mention it vaguely one time and she got the picture and wound up being more agreeable than I expected later on. 

Hi there.  What you're going through is horrific.  He's been lying to you all along, hon.  That's why you've always felt something was wrong in your relationship but couldn't figure out what it was. (I felt that same way when I was with my gay ex.  I NEVER feel that way with my current, straight husband.)  Your husband has admitted that he's known his orientation since childhood but his family wouldn't accept that.  That means that he's been repressing it all these years - hoping to just ignore the problem, or to just indulge in his brain, but not in his actions.  This does NOT make him straight.  It makes him a repressed gay man who married a straight woman.  Why?  No clue.  He may have done it because he loved you more than any other female he'd ever met, and figured that he could "make it work".  That does NOT mean that he ever felt about you the way a straight man is supposed to feel about the woman he is in love with.  I mean, I love my dog - and want the best for her and feed her well and take care of her needs.  But I don't think about her all day, or envision when I'll see her again.  "Love" is too generic a word to use and understand - he can say he loves you (and even mean it) while it not being the kind of love that he should have had for you in order to marry you.  You'd never know otherwise, though - unless he told you.  And he should have.  He knew.  He just didn't want to admit it.  Because he didn't want it to be true.

I see that you have always put his needs above yours.  Even when you found out he was cheating, you still wanted to have him have a full belly and have relaxed before you hit him with anything heavy.  Think about that for a moment - really...... THINK.  If you didn't feel the need to immediately confront him when you knew that he'd betrayed you, then what WOULD you feel like was important enough to go ballistic over?  You literally feel that he deserves better treatment than you do.  That.right.there is why you've hung in there for so long - because you do not see your needs and desires as important.  Which means you do not see yourSELF as important.  He's going to be on his own side - he's proven that with his actions.  If you don't stand up for yourself, then who will?  Who will be your advocate if you can't even be your own advocate?  You are important, hon.  You are worthy of better treatment than this.  And you need to be willing to walk away from this sort of mistreatment - for your own sanity.  You need to know your own worth before anyone else can.  You teach people how to treat you - by what you will tolerate from them.  And you've taught him that he can do anything he wants, and you'll STILL just want to be with him.  He can go through mourning without you and you're not insulted.  He can go away to clear his head and you're just going to support that need rather than entering any of your own perspective into the mix.  You make excuses for him - because the truth is too hard to look at.

The problem is not the priest.  It's wrong of a priest to have sex at all, much less gay sex.  And it's wrong of the priest to commit adultery with a married person - regardless of their sex.  BUT...... that is NOT the problem here.  Your HUSBAND is the problem for you.  He's the one who committed to you and has broken those vows.  The priest - despite what his religion requires of him - is with a consenting adult.  Your husband never should have BEEN that consenting adult, though.  He had already committed to forsaking all others other than you.  The priest didn't break his promise to you - he broke his vow to the church.  But the person who's hurting you is your husband.  He deserves all your fury in this.

Reporting the priest won't change a thing within your marriage.  You're well within your rights to report him, but it won't gain YOU anything.  Okay - maybe some revenge.  But it won't change a damned thing that your husband has already done to you.  And the LAST thing you need is to report the priest, get this scandal exposed, the priest reassigned, and then your husband to come back to you because you're better than having no one to love.  That is NOT how you need your husband to feel.  That will only create more confusion in your mind.  He's gone - let that be the end for you.  Figure out your life from this point forward - without him.

STOP doing the "Pick Me!" dance.  He has shown that he's not going to be honest with you or others.  He's not going to do things for your benefit.  STOP wanting a man who doesn't feel passionately for you, and show his earnest desire to be with you.  Stop accepting a bouquet of dandelions as an acceptable gift from a grown man who is supposed to be holding your heart.  It's WEEDS, babe.  Stop counting your blessings to the point where you'll count ANYthing as a blessing worthy of bending over backwards for.

Get a counselor - immediately.  Get to the doctor for STD testing.  Visit the lawyer.  Build your support network.  And treat yourself as if you are JUST.AS.IMPORTANT as your husband is.  And don't feel that you owe him anything.  You do not.  He has betrayed you and deceived you and lied to you, and you feel it necessary to accommodate him at every turn?  No!

I'm sorry that you're going through this -

Kel

If you still remain a Catholic after the divorce you will need an annulment in order to have the Church recognize any future marriage you may enter into. That might be the time to lay out all the evidence that at the time your husband had same-sex attractions, including about the priest.

I agree with all the others that now is the time to focus on getting strong, physically and mentally, and getting all your financial information together so you can consult an attorney and get an idea what you can expect to receive under the laws where you live. I had to get proof of my divorce out of my "DIVORCE" file recently and in the back were copies I had printed out for myself of emails between a Straight Spouse Network volunteer I had been connected with and me.  I had kept them to remind myself as we proceeded to divorce how irresponsible and impatient he was at the time and how strong I became and progress I had made.

Six years ago on Easter my children and I met at a restaurant by intersecting highways so we could be together. Afterwards on the way home I stopped at the grotto in the yard of a closed church to pray for us: I was broke and broken.

I have posted how happy I am now but I could not have gotten here until I first accepted that I did not WANT to be married to him. He had made the decision to come out and tell me he wanted a divorce but I was so diminished that I probably would have let him move a lover in and kept house for them as long as it would keep the marriage together. He wanted his own place no matter the finances so happily that was never an option.

Make your decisions based upon what is best for you because he is going to only look after what is best for him. Get an attorney who is a good negotiator because the fact he wants this over quickly and quietly can be used to your advantage. Just don't sign anything without your lawyer reviewing it.

 

I sincerely thank you all for your advices
It means a lot reading it over and over...
receiving different opinions helps me answer the what ifs and how it will affect me in the long run...

It is so painful like a tragedy I never thought I'd be in.
I realized I don't even know who I am now. It's frightening. I lost my identity my self-worth thru the years... but life must go on... It's just so hard to start but I know and it might seem hard to get to it but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Can't stop the tears from falling every now and then.
Friends, family, co-workers just won't stop asking how I'm doing or what happened we "looked like a perfect couple." I appreciate their concern but sometimes I just want to disappear and if I can only say "No, I'm not OK! Yes, we've separated cause my husband is gay, he cheated on me! I don't want to talk about it and stop asking me every single day!"

I've searched a therapist in our area who specializes in mixed orientation marriage and she has a history with her ex gay husband. The pain is REAL and so is hope. Lord help me!