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Fri Apr 7 1:37 pm  #1


A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

So I'm new here and appreciate all the support and advice. I'm learning terms I've never heard: love bombing, gas lighting, no contact. Not sure what no contact means, but assume it's self-explaining. Anyway, I had a question about these GID husbands and ex's. While our sex life was scorching and uber hot in the first few years, I could tell during the last few years, he would not even look at me naked. Seemed my breasts, which are quite nice (except for a few scars from a reduction/lift), turned him off. As for sex, he would perform oral. So I thought this meant he couldn't be gay. But I did leave him and have a lawyer. I'm trying so hard to just trust and not question my gut and all the things about him coming to my mind that point to gayness. The sex just troubles me. Then I remember all the times he'd say he had a stomach ache and actually pass gas in the marital bed. I'm thinking he did this so I wouldn't "want" sex with him. The sex had become mechanical and he couldn't last more than 3 minutes. I'm not lying. When I first met him, the very first moment he spoke, I really thought then he was flamingly gay. Has that gay drawl and lyrical accent. Then the fact his best friend and top paralegal in his office are gay...and so much more is just jumping into my mind...things I never noticed before. The quest to be super-skinny and fear of fat. How he hates fat women. Fat men. Fat in general. The long, long hours on his bike or at the gym. The second cell phone he claims if for his "music." Oh, God. This is hard. Any experience on this sensitive topic of sex is appreciated. Blessings to all.

 

Fri Apr 7 2:08 pm  #2


Re: A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

I am only in the suspicion stage still (but I'm pretty sure he is) but my husband performed oral on me twice in 16 years. Told me recently he didn't like it but denies saying it now. He also averts his eyes at the sight of my breasts. He will hug me. Kiss me closed mouth.  Rub my feet.  But we are alone a lot and he never touches me in any other way. 
He isn't flamingly gay. He's actually a macho type.  But my friends boyfriend said he was bi immediately after meeting him.

 

Fri Apr 7 4:16 pm  #3


Re: A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

Mine would love to kiss for hours but never go much further, until I complained then he'd really try but it's not the same as the sort of sex I've had in other relationships. He didn't seem to get turned on by my bits and pieces I feel he was thinking his own thoughts to get in any kind of mood. How I miss the days when a man just wakes up and wants to go for it!

 

Fri Apr 7 5:09 pm  #4


Re: A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

My marriage never got consummated in 5 years! He kept saying "I'm working at it!". He would shrink if I touched him. It was like he froze! Another excuse was - I'm stressed at work. His hugs were formal. His kisses were like childish  pecks. He would loose his temper if my feet accidentally touched his.

Last edited by Koala (Fri Apr 7 5:11 pm)

 

Fri Apr 7 5:12 pm  #5


Re: A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

My husband is the same way.  Prefers to receive oral, but not give.  If intercourse happened, during our active phase it was about once every three or four months, he wouldn't last more than 3 minutes either.   and once he was done it was over, he would roll over and go to sleep.   Only ever kissed me closed mouth, never passionately.  never passionate anything.  No desire, nothing... just mechanical.   

 

Fri Apr 7 6:54 pm  #6


Re: A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

My understanding is that many GID spouses can perform with their straight spouse in the honeymoon, love bomb stage. Mine was able too and he continues to do this even today and he is in his sixties and is once again dating a woman. Even though he sleeps with men secretly. They can function when they are young with a straight partner. I think when they get older it becomes harder for them to perform with a straight spouse and they need gay porn or fantasies to function with a straight spouse, thus the mechanical feeling. 

Many couples have said - those who have been married for years - still had an active sex life and had no clue their spouse was gay or bi. It came as a shock because some spouses get affection, great sex and others don't so I don't see a set pattern. 

What I do see is the behavior or lack of affection, love, desire, genuine concern for their spouses as their wives or husbands. I think it depends on the individual spouse who is hiding their SSA, how they really are at their core on weather they can function sexually with their straight spouse or not. 

All marriages have crisis modes. The TGT is actually irrelevant, especially when a spouse is being cold, lack of affection, arguing, defensive behavior. Every person has to decide in these situations is it still worth continuing on in this manner for years and years. I also think all of us have been taught in whatever manner that marriage is forever and it's hard to accept and learn in life that this isn't the case. Especially for those of us raised in churches where marriage is considered forever. 

Reading everywhere on this site will open your eyes to yes they can function with the straight spouse. Spouses who are defensive, hiding their pass codes and browser history, phone calls, texts at odd hours, are hiding something and most likely an affair. This is a lack of honesty and is a sign of disrespect and regard for the person who is their legal spouse. Once these doubts surface then each person has to decide to end a marriage or continue. As I said, the gay thing at this point really becomes irrelevant. 

Yeah, being a gay man with hemorrhoids would truly suck if you think about it.  LOL, so the medicine disappearing would make a person wonder! 

 

Fri Apr 7 8:07 pm  #7


Re: A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

Koala wrote:

My marriage never got consummated in 5 years! He kept saying "I'm working at it!". He would shrink if I touched him. It was like he froze! Another excuse was - I'm stressed at work. His hugs were formal. His kisses were like childish  pecks. He would loose his temper if my feet accidentally touched his.

I am so sorry.

 

Fri Apr 7 11:36 pm  #8


Re: A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

All I can say about never consummating the marriage is that that's not normal.  Men equate sex (generally speaking) as stress relief. And they equate their woman showing them physical touch with their woman loving them.  A st8 man who is in love with a woman will want to make love to her.  The longer, the better. He doesn't have to "work his way up to it" - he has to hold himself back from coming on too strong, lest he scare her.

Whatever the reason, I'm sure it's not what you signed up for.  And it's okay to say "enough".  That's what I did. I had very little evidence that my ex was gay until well after I asked for a divorce. However, whatever the reason was behind his lack of affection and interest in me, I'd had enough. He was either unable or unwilling to change, and I didn't like either option. Sixteen years of living in the desert (metaphorically speaking) was more than enough for me. I knew I wasn't guaranteed to find happiness if I left. But I knew that I was guaranteed to never find it if I stayed.  My chances for finding happiness were far better with leaving than they were with staying.

And then I turned into Cinderella and met my prince.  And I can't believe how much worse my old marriage was than I ever realized when I was in it. Night.and.day, let me tell ya.  I should have left 10 years earlier.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (Fri Apr 7 11:37 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Fri Apr 7 11:45 pm  #9


Re: A few questions about the sex...Sorry if it's TMI

I also forgot to add that my husband has always been the two minute man and prefers doggy. His repertoire was kiss kiss, hand check for readiness and hop on board. After a minute of robotic sex with no eye contact I was rolled over.
I gotta tell ya, I don't miss it after 25 mo!!! I do long for true love and respect and honesty along with a normal loving and maybe steamy relationship.  I hope to find it one day.

 

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