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1 - Piper55
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New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
Hello Everyone: So glad to have discovered this site. Here is my question, because I'm doubting my RAGING gut instincts that my spouse of 12 years is in serious denial. Here are the facts, not exaggerated at all.
1. He is a well-respected lawyer from a tiny southern town with super conservative roots.
2. Both his very best friend from childhood and his top paralegal are gay men.
3. When I first met him, days after he separated from wife 1., I thought, "Wow, he's cute but gay." It was his voice, the way his moved and such.
4. I've been told for 12 years by various people that my husband leads a secret and gay life.
5. He LOVES all things gay - competitive cycling in little Spandex clothes, gardening, antiques, Broadway, American Idol, The Voice, The Bee Gees, romantic comedies. Loves planting tons of flowers.
6. Was able to initiate and perform sexually fairly well the first few years of being together. Now, he won't look at my body, even though I stay very fit. He never touched my breasts or seemed too "hungry" for me sexually at all. He was the first man I've been with who didn't have that innate "hunger" for the female form.
7. I discovered a second cell phone with conversations deleted. He has since hid the phone from me.
8. He is very emotionally detached, never ever complimenting me on my appearance, even when I make effort.
9. He is financially controlling.
10. He is gone on his "bike" for up to 8 hours in the day.
But most of all, I have just always, always "felt" he is gay. Any suggestions or thoughts, please? I moved out of his house one month ago and have filed for separation. He has not even attempted to get back together at all, leading me to fully believe he's with a new man. Because he rarely comments on women when we watch movies - he comments on the men.
Last edited by Piper55 (April 5, 2017 10:48 am)
- maresyd
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
Piper55,
Sorry you found the need for us, but glad you are here. You don't need us to tell you what you already know. It's brave of you to leave and start your new life without him. But protect yourself financially and be sure you know your legal rights, especially if he's controlling.
I'm sorry you've felt like you don't matter and aren't noticed. You are noticed, and heard here.
We all get it, and will all have different vantage points from which we speak to walk with you and ride the rollercoaster with you.
It sounds like the light at the end is you know what you do deserve, and it's not being in a relationship where your needs are ignored and not met, and that's a big something.
What is your ideal ending to this?
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Leah
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
Hi Piper,
Welcome. I'm sorry you are here and doubting yourself.
Trust your instincts. You have moved out. You have made a big decision to move out probably based on the relationship not being good enough to stay in. Your list indicates you feel he is not faithful and you are not desired. It is hurtful that he is not 'fighting' for you, but the narcissistic mindset of these men is that you ought to want to make it up to him.... Don't. Trust yourself. Utterly. It is hard and sad to end a marriage, but if someone is willing to lie endlessly you cannot depend on that person to do what is not in his self interest (the conservative town, job and roots). Do what you need to do for YOU.
Keep writing, posting and venting if you need to here. Lots of us have been where you are in one way or another. It is a difficult time. Be good to yourself. Good luck.
- iamthelorax
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
I wouldn't doubt your instincts. In defense of cyclists and guys who like Romcoms (Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshal are hilarious), those are just stereotypes; you're the expert on whether there was a functional connection with him and we believe you.
Take care of yourself and seek therapy to help you with the process of getting over the lies and manipulation you suffered.
- Rob
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
Piper,
What a cool name.
I know you have doubts but trust me..if you had found full blown evidence like I did it would not make things any different.
From what you describe you know..
Your doubts are called "cognitive dissonance" ...where your mind trys to justify things despite the facts in front of you.
We get it.
Your gut/instinct/bones ..call it what you will is your gut protecting you. For me it threw my body into a fight or flight mode ...I would physically shake when she was texting and going out with her girlfriend. It was humiliating and demeaning abuse.
We cannot live in this abused distrustful mode in a marriage...it is physically exhausting. It is not what marriage or love is supposed to be. I could not do it...uncontrollable shaking brought on by the person that was supposed to care for me above all others...
No...you did the right thing. Start building your support system. Anytime you doubt it just think of the second phone and inhumane lack of intimacy.
Sincere e-hug. (Authentic and we all need this kind)
Last edited by Rob (April 5, 2017 12:44 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- phoenix
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
Piper,
Welcome to our group. I'm so sorry you find yourself here.
For what it's worth, based on your 10 examples - 9 of them together to make me 100% sure he's gay. The only one that could be true for gay or str8 guys is the financial control.
You deserve a husband who desires you sexually.
You deserve a husband who is honest with you.
You deserve a husband who you can trust.
Good for you for already taking action to move forward with your life. Take comfort in your gut feeling because I'm 100% sure you are correct and everyone else on this forum will agree completely.
Also, please know that you might never get an admission from him. Most Gay in Denial men will stay in the closet as long as possible.. In fact, they have been known to get pretty nasty to their wives when they start to threaten divorce or possibly "outing" them. So please beware and tread carefully.
Stick around Piper.. we are here for you.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Kel
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
Hi Piper -
Above all, it sounds like he wasn't treating you right. You weren't desired, you weren't paid attention to, you weren't cherished. Even a straight man who acted like that deserves to lose his woman.
I'm curious what you mean when you say that people have repeatedly told you that your husband is leading a secret and gay lifestyle. Are they saying this as a generality - as in, "I dunno, Piper; I think someday you're going to find out that he was gay all along - with a secret second identity and everything.", or is it more like, "He is into stuff you're not even aware of - like a secret gay lifestyle."? One implies that people suspect that he's gay to the point where they can't see it NOT being true because it's that obvious to them. The latter means that they know something concrete. What kind of comments have they made, and how did you react? Did you ask questions?
The secret phone is completely unnecessary. NO ONE needs that. And hiding it just proves that he has no intention of changing his behavior - just wants to change you finding out any further concrete information. What was his response when you confronted him about the phone?
You can trust your guy on this on, hon. You're dead on. You'll likely find out later there were tons more clues that you just didn't see because you either weren't looking for them, or because you were blind to them - maybe out of denial, or maybe because you'd grown used to the behaviors so that you didn't think it meant anything. Whatever you find is ALWAYS the tip of the iceberg.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Duped
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
Deleted
Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:29 pm)
- Piper55
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
Thank you all for being such a warm, supportive and welcoming group of wonderful people. I appreciate all your responses. Kel, I was told concretely by about a dozen sources that my husband is gay, but thought because he could "get it up" with me that he couldn't possibly be. But now all the signs can no longer be ignored. This is hard because I signed a pre-nup leaving me penniless. I lost my job of 28 years, but am going to start a new career as a yoga instructor for those in prison and rehab centers. I guess we just all have to move on and better ourselves, despite the pain. Blessings to all.
- •
Thread Starter- Abby
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Re: New and not trusting my gut 100 percent
I hope that you have consulted an attorney. When you signed the pre-nup was there full disclosure on his part of what his assets were and what you were giving up? If he is living a secret life could there be hidden assets as well as gay activities? He's a lawyer so he might have a boat or condo where no one knows him and where he can entertain. It takes money to live a double life so there might be hidden money too.
You've been married more than 10 years so when you reach your full retirement age you can file for Social Security benefits based on his earnings record as well as yours, then receive whichever gives you more per month. Think of it as insurance in case you need it.
I hope you've read some of the posts here from women whose ex's began dating women post-divorce despite all the evidence of their being gay. Just know that it happens and don't let it throw you off if that's what he does. It does NOT mean that your observations and conclusions were wrong.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.