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Tue Apr 4 7:35 am  #1


Why am I still in denial?

We have been married 16 years, I have always had to initiate with him and the last 12 years was rejection filled. I would say we had sex maybe 10 times Total. When it did happen there was no foreplay and I once asked if he didn't like doing certain things and he said "not really". He has always hugged and kissed me (closed mouth) but that's as far as it goes. I found sexually suggestive emails from a male coworker (who has since grown his hair long like a woman and wears dresses every Halloween) that spanned from 2007-11, but No reciprocal ones. He said the guy was just a jerk and I asked why he didn't ask him to stop saying those things. The two of them traveled together for work as well.  I found the emails in 2013.
For years I thought maybe he was asexual or I was just not attractive to him. He averts his stare if he sees me naked.  I've done some pretty desperate things to get his attention and have been left feeling very silly and more rejected.
Our marriage has suffered and I don't even want sex anymore. Last week I found a bag with a fake vagina and an anal vibrator and condoms with a couple missing.
Im most perplexed about the anal vibe. I feel like it's my answer yet I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.  Between the old emails (and there was a random man's sock in his bag after a business trip) and this new toy discovery I'm not sure what to think.
We haven't had sex in 25 months. I gave up.  Also he hates anyone touching his rear and makes homophobic comments while watching shows where there are gay men.  His family is very homophobic and shunned his uncle for being gay so I don't believe he will admit it under any circumstances. I've asked many times and he really didn't react like I'd think a straight man would. He did tell me he has secrets he will take to his grave.  I'm guessing this is one.
Most recently he said he punished me for years by withholding sex because I didn't get a job when he lost his (oh yeah he changes jobs and moves us a lot) and it didn't seem to matter that I was very sick at that time and struggling to raise four kids.  What about the rest of the rejected years and what man even does that????
I'm okay to hear the truth wne have told him this. I just need to know.
Any input would be great.

 

Tue Apr 4 9:50 am  #2


Re: Why am I still in denial?

Lisa, 

Your husband is gay. 

None of those examples you gave leaves any gray area about his sexual attraction.  A woman's intuition is almost always correct about these things.  However we tend to believe what our heart wants to believe and ignore what our brains tells us.  

Some obvious signs of a gay in denial (GID) husband = not wanting sex with his wife, hidden liasons, anal stimulation toys, overtly anit-homosexual statements to convince others he isn't gay, and some deep dark secrets he admits to have but won't disclose even with his wife.  You didn't mention gay porn or gay hookup websites, but I assume he is into those as well.. you just haven't discovered it or didn't mention it. 

We often like to ask this question from a different perspective.  If you throw out the gay thing, would you have a healthy marriage?  Is it ok for a spouse to withhold sex, reject the other, and even shame them?  He even admitted to punishing you?  That's not OK for any spouse... these are not signs of a mutual loving relationship.  

I'm sorry you find yourself here.  You have some soul-searching to do and there won't be any easy answers.  We are here for you, please feel free to share and ask questions and vent when you wish.  We have lived through the same pain.. many of the examples you gave are identical to that of many other women here so we share the same experiences.  I too was married for 16 years to a GID spouse who rejected me constantly, emotionally abused me by making me feel guilty for suspecting what turned out to be true, and ultimately cheated on me and betrayed me.  I don't wish that on anyone.. but I now have an opportunity to use my past to help others through their own journey. 

Please consider finding a therapist to talk to.  You will need some professional help to help you sift through the emotional baggage and help approach some kind of resolution. 

Please draw in a support system that you can trust and talk to and hug.  Whether this is family or close friends or a local Str8 Spouse group.  Please don't try to go through this all by yourself.  You don't have to keep his secret to your own detriment.  Clearly don't maliciously out him.. but don't make your own life worse to protect an abuser. 


Praying for you and your kids Lisa.  

Last edited by phoenix (Tue Apr 4 9:51 am)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

"Horribly, the only way through it..... is through it."
-CajunBelle
 

Tue Apr 4 10:30 am  #3


Re: Why am I still in denial?

Phoenix, the only sites I found him on were as a hetero male but when I questioned him on that he told me he was on there looking for me. (Because I stopped trying to initiate) He also plays mind games and put blame on me stating I am making him miserable with the celibate life we have.  I will say this about the internet, he does clear his history on both the laptop and his phone fairly often. He doesn't know I know his phone passcode and I feel badly snooping on it but I am just looking for answers. Not to hurt him or create friction. I just need validation for his rejection. That it wasn't me. I also want to be free but I refuse to be the bad guy which is what he has been trying to do.  When we talk it's always if I want to separate or whatever.... not that he does.  The one thing that confuses me is recently during the celibate conversation he told me if I don't have sex with him we are done.  I told him he hasn't made one single move on me since he was drunk in Aruba 4 years ago... this isn't going to be pinned on me.  Truth be told, I don't want his penis anywhere near me anymore since I don't know where it's been. And our marriage can be okay at times but I'd rather find love and intimacy and move on. Not continue to suffer like this.  I'm scared.

One more thing. A bit ago he asked me to crack his back. I kind of lost my balance and sat back on his butt for a second.  He said "well i didn't see you wearing a strapon or that could have been bad".
I said "you probably would have liked that". He said "no" and then asked about going to the gym tomorrow.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Apr 4 11:10 am  #4


Re: Why am I still in denial?

It's hard to snoop and it's hard not to snoop.  You feel like you need to find the evidence to prove it's true, so you want to snoop, but then you feel guilty for doing it, and the pain you cause yourself by seeing what you find is horrible.  Do what you feel is best for you. 

One thing you should accept early in this process is that he will most likely never admit to you that he's gay.  This is the deepest, most closely held secret a person can have and he has spent his whole life hiding it.  So, he will lie to you to keep the secret and he will never admit that it's true.. even if you catch him with a smoking gun.. he will have already made up a lie to explain it before he even does it. 

I encourage you to find peace in your observation.  Too many of the people on this forum gave up additional years trying to get the truth or proof before they felt like they could move on.  Other people (Kel for example) never got proof, but just knew it and didn't waiver and they were able to move on and rebuild and find happiness more quickly. 

We are here for you!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

"Horribly, the only way through it..... is through it."
-CajunBelle
 

Tue Apr 4 12:42 pm  #5


Re: Why am I still in denial?

Hi Lisa,

You're in denial because you have smoke, but you can't see the fire.  But of course where there is smoke, there IS fire.

It doesn't really matter if he's truly gay or not, or if he ever admits it.  The truth is that you're married to a man who doesn't desire sex with you, but who clearly has sexual desires that he appears to share with others.  It would be one thing if he had no desire for anyone at all, but was just not that sexual.  Even then you'd need to decide if that met your needs, or if you cobble together a solution that would work for the two of you.  If there was no solution that met both your needs, or if you found out (as you have) that he's sharing sexual talk with others, then you know that for whatEVER reason, he's withholding from you, but giving to others what is rightfully yours.  That.is.not.oh.kay.

I'm sure leaving the situation is scary.  But let me help you cut through some of the confusion with a few simple questions you need to ask yourself:
1.  After all the years you've been together, and the change (or lack thereof) that you've seen thus far, do you have realistic hope that things will change enough to meet your needs?
2.  If the answer to question #1 is no, then I want you to think about divorce differently.  Instead of thinking, "should I leave?", think of two scenarios:
      a)  You leaving - and what your life would look like if you did that?
      b)  Project out 10, 15 or  20 years - what does your life look like then?
3.  Think about what your kids (if you have them) would be getting from you staying together.  Are they getting a positive role model for their own marriages some day?  Will they know - from your example - what to look for in a spouse, and from their marriage?  What are you showing them personally when it comes to what to do with areas in their lives where they feel "stuck"?

These questions may or may not help.  But I feel they are useful to ask yourself.

Wishing you well -

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Apr 4 9:36 pm  #6


Re: Why am I still in denial?

Lisa4kids,

As I look back at my snooping that turned into doubt/fear/then shock...there is a name for it ..in the beginning..
its called "cognitive dissonance" .   We don't want to believe what we see so we come up with all kinds of explanations for it.    In my case ,    my then wife was seeing a lot of girlfriend at odd times and texting her all day and all night.  Then she stopped coming near me physically in anyway.   Would not let me touch her..      The evidence became so overwhelming  and was so blatant and obvious that I would start shaking.   There was no excuse my mind could come up with to explain away the evidence.      Of course I snooped and found out how horrible it was.

So you say you don't know  but I'm saying  you really do.. Finding more evidence will not make it better..only cause you to suffer more..  His actions and words  (lies) say all there is to know.    Our minds want to believe our spouses are good people that would not hurt us.    But it's turns out that is not true.
Or like me perhaps you're snooping but then thinking " what am I doing?..why do I have to snoop?  What kind of spouse hides things like this?   Why do I have to live this way?        Snoop, but don't think the solution can be found in that ...at some point my family finally convinced me to stop ...that I know what I would find and it would not change anything.

So I think you are leaving the disbelief stage and entering the shock stage.  It is a shock.   First ..breathe..take a step back..do not do anything rash or sudden .    Be kind to yourself and treat yourself kindly.  You did nothing wrong.  It is not you.  You need to gather strength and build your support system.   Don't worry about him...he most certainly is not worrying about you.    In sentence, and I had to hear it from my psychiatrist.. you are abused..  No spouse that withholds sex for years is treating their partner in a loving way..it is emotional abuse.     It was a shock to me to hear this but my psychiatrist  (a stranger) was right.    We have kids ..we need to face reality. 

Start taking small steps ...discretely and deliberate as you can with whatever pace you can muster.  You 
took the fist step by posting here.    We're here.     Start building your support system. Those kids need a strong, fierce, sane, un-abused mother that puts them first.   Your husband lying to you and causing you this suffering is not putting the kids first.    


A sincere e-hug  (sincere and authentic because I know we don't get many of those kind).

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Tue Apr 4 10:59 pm  #7


Re: Why am I still in denial?

Thanks to all of you. I'm sorry that you have experienced what you did and your strength is a testament to the strength we all have to keep on keepin on.
I think the snooping is my way of trying to make myself understand why he did this to me.  He crushed my heart and my self esteem and I've been working hard to rebuild them.  He has always been very controlling and as I begin to take back my independence I am met with much resistance. I'm starting my own business and was accused of doing so to have sex with lots of men. Everything that has happened, has somehow been twisted around to be my fault.  I recently told him that he is free to place blame however he wishes but that's not my reality and I'm just not willing to accept it as it's been anymore. 
I really would love to separate but money is not plentiful and I have no income yet.  A very good friend reminded me that I should not allow my past to define me or interfere with my present or future self.  I need to let go of those years I felt I wasted and make up for that time now.

Wish me luck finding a counselor to help me transition into eventual singledom.  I just can't subject myself to this anymore.

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Apr 5 6:05 am  #8


Re: Why am I still in denial?

Go lisa..go.  make your plans and do what you need to do for you and kids.

Depending what state you live in your husband will need to give you money anyway after you separate.  For now..stick to your plans and try to maintain status quo for the kids..

..."
am met with much resistance. I'm starting my own business and was accused of doing so to have sex with lots men.."

That's a new one for the books here on SSN.  It would be one of those times that I would be speechless and mouth agape...
We could all write a book with the rediculous and preposterous things we have heard and witnessed.

I think that statement sums up what your dealing with..   possessive but treats you badly...a false sense of reality.
Jealousy and fear mixed into a statement. No support..all about him.  I don't think you'll find his reasons in snooping but you might find..hidden bank accounts, more gay crap, etc.


Just go forward..small steps.however long it takes ..you'll find your steps add up to help you.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Wed Apr 5 7:08 am  #9


Re: Why am I still in denial?

Rob wrote:

..."
am met with much resistance. I'm starting my own business and was accused of doing so to have sex with lots men.."

That's a new one for the books here on SSN.  It would be one of those times that I would be speechless and mouth agape...
We could all write a book with the rediculous and preposterous things we have heard and witnessed.

I think that statement sums up what your dealing with..   possessive but treats you badly...a false sense of reality.
Jealousy and fear mixed into a statement. No support..all about him.  I don't think you'll find his reasons in snooping but you might find..hidden bank accounts, more gay crap, etc.

.

He has always been controlling and jealous. I can't go anywhere without several calls or texts.  This morning he cuddled up to me and kissed my neck. What the heck was that?  We are alone in the house and he certainly could have gone for gold (although I'm no longer wanting that) but he then got up and said he was getting his clothes out of the closet.  I wish he'd step out too. Hahahaha.

Also last year he closed our joint account and opened an individual. I have no access to it AND he put me on an allowance.  $1000 a month for food and gas in my car. It doesn't make It and he becomes angry if I ask for more when the kids need things. 
In addition to my suspicions that he is gay, bipolar and narcissistic have also been tossed around. In spite of it all I don't hate him. I want him to be happy. But I also deserve the same.  Uugggghhh

     Thread Starter
 

Fri Apr 7 11:44 pm  #10


Re: Why am I still in denial?

All of us here understand your need to make sense of how he could do this to you. Unfortunately, you never will. If you did, it would mean that you thought like him. And you don't. So you don't get it.  And that's good.

It's okay to want him to be happy. But he's already got his own happiness in 1st place - don't YOU put his needs there, too.  Otherwise there's literally no one to put YOUR needs first. Be your own advocate. You deserve it.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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