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March 20, 2017 9:20 am  #1


Is it REALLY possible to STAY married?

We have been married for about 36 years now. I guess I knew all along he wasn't that interested in me sexually but I didn't want to face it.
This Friday we are going to our first therapist.
I hadn't bothered to look for help on line until last night. Again I guess my head was buried in the sand. I had thought we have made it this far in our life together we can tackle anything even this!
Am I fooling myself again? From what I am reading it sure sounds like it! I am not ready to give up on us. I can't see how him not being a part of my life everyday would make me feel! I am so crazy in love with him and he says he is with me too!
I NEED to know we can survive staying married! 
It is just us no family few friends he has no one else as far as I know. So need your help! Is their hope?!

 

March 20, 2017 10:09 am  #2


Re: Is it REALLY possible to STAY married?

I assume the change is because you either found out or he has told you. Either way, I am sorry for your pain, and a therapist is a good start. Be kind to yourself. msg me anytime.

Joanne


Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
 

March 20, 2017 10:22 am  #3


Re: Is it REALLY possible to STAY married?

Hi, Just Us -

There is no right or wrong answer to your question - it's deeply personal and individual to your situation and personalities.  That being said, there are individuals here among us who believe that no, it cannot work without sacrificing too much of yourself to be worth it.  I am one such individual.  To my knowledge, my ex wasn't cheating when we were together, and wasn't viewing porn.  And yet, his lack of sexual interest in me was enough to leave a large, gaping hole in our marriage.  One that affected not only our connection, but also my self confidence and my happiness.

There are a lot of individuals who believe that you CAN make it work, IF you're both very honest with yourselves and each other.  I find though that more often than not, the reason the relationship is in crisis is directly related to the fact that the gay-in-denial spouse HASN'T been honest with their straight spouse - they've been caught lying and cheating, and sometimes manipulating and gas lighting (look that term up).  If that's the case, then I personally see no reason to believe them when they say they're not going to be honest.  They'd still be hiding everything from you if you hadn't found out.  There is a poor track record for being believable - hence the reason that I often discourage the straight spouse from believing the GID spouse when they make promises to straighten up and walk the narrow path.

Tell us more, if you can and are willing to.  That might enable us to help you better.

Wishing you the best -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

March 20, 2017 10:44 am  #4


Re: Is it REALLY possible to STAY married?

Marriage is a lot more than sex.  

If you've gone 36 years and are OK with your marriage then why not continue?  IF your partner is also willing of course. 

The problem always seems to come when the partner decides they just can't live without the gay sex they desire.  If your partner is committed to you and doesn't want to cheat on you.. then sure. .the marriage can continue on just as it has. 

Actually some people are happy to make an "open marriage" work out between them.  In that case you would just allow the other party to have another partner on the side to fulfill their sexual needs.  *not something I could possibly imagine in my life.. but some people are happy this way. 


Either way, Just Us, know that we are here for you and will help you process and go through this ordeal.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

March 20, 2017 11:45 am  #5


Re: Is it REALLY possible to STAY married?

THANK YOU!
Your thoughts certainly has some value to it re: not being honest before now!
I guess after so many years it just seems wrong to throw in the towel. YET.... maybe nothing can/will change.
I know that this isn't something I or we have to decide now.
Will have to see what Friday therapist says that might open our eyes/ears and what we feel after it too.
No matter what nice to know your all here to "talk" with!

     Thread Starter
 

March 20, 2017 5:11 pm  #6


Re: Is it REALLY possible to STAY married?

well are you happily married or not?  or I guess the question is do you need something to change?  

If you are looking for honesty then all I can say from my experience is you might get the odd drop doled out now and then but basically no.  For me it was putting the shoe on my own foot - no way could I have hidden such a fundamental thing from him - it made me recognise he really was different to the way I had believed him to be all those years and I was so scared to lose trust in him but horrible as that was I am more sure of myself now. 

 

Last edited by lily (March 20, 2017 5:20 pm)

 

March 21, 2017 10:14 am  #7


Re: Is it REALLY possible to STAY married?

lostdad wrote:

The problem always seems to come when the partner decides they just can't live without the gay sex they desire.  If your partner is committed to you and doesn't want to cheat on you.. then sure. .the marriage can continue on just as it has. 

Lostdad's quote above is the real crux of the deal.  If what he winds up not being able to live without is gay stuff (and I mean porn too), and what YOU need is for him to be completely faithful with his eyes only on you, then you're at an impasse.  Sometimes compromises can be made that can make you both fulfilled enough to keep the marriage going.  But oftentimes, what's happening is that they lie to you to make you stay, and then do what they want on the side anyway.  You assume that because you're not finding anything, there's nothing there.  But they're just getting better at hiding it.  We find out when they've been doing it so well, so easily, for so long that they get sloppy.  We never find out at the first moment they do something.  It just seems that way initially.

For me, it was more about the overall marriage.  When I finally figured out that him being gay was the root of the problems, then it was game over for me.  Because I couldn't fight the gay thing.  It was an invisible, driving force somewhere inside him.  It resulted in him not desiring me, even if he did remain completely faithful.  But that wasn't enough for me.  I was unhappy with the overall intimacy of my marriage, and I had gotten to the point where I felt that he either could not or would not change.  It was when I got to that point of no return that I realized that I had to either accept this reality as my normal, or leave.  Change was not coming otherwise.  Divorce seemed really scary for a number of reasons.  But when I projected out staying, that terrified me.  And so I asked for a divorce.  I was scared the entire time that I would never find another man as good - that this was all I was capable to attaining.  But I kept on my path anyway.  Now I'm remarried to a wonderful, straight man who far exceeds any and all expectations I could ever have had for a husband.  I'm so glad I didn't turn back.  My life is 99% different now, and I can't for the life of me figure out how I was breathing before.

In the end, you don't get a prize for sticking out an unhappy marriage.  Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll get a big 50th anniversary party thrown by your children.  Is that enough to tolerate years of unhappiness?  It wasn't for me.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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