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March 13, 2017 1:02 pm  #1


still in love

Hey friends!  Someone give me a hint as to how I go about falling out of love with my GIDX!!  I adored him!  He is now serious about a woman and I live alone.  I know part of it is just being lonely.  I am easy on the eyes and could date if I wanted to but I am just not over this!  Its been a year divorced after 26 years married.  I still feel bitterness and anger and I hate feeling this way. When and how do I get over this?  I want to be happy again.  I miss being happy.

 

March 13, 2017 1:39 pm  #2


Re: still in love

Linda, 

You are in a tough spot.  It is interesting to hear you say that you are filled with bitterness and anger, but also still in love.  Usually those things do not go together. 

I fell out of love very quickly when I found out she cheated on me and did some other things that hurt me very much.  But i wonder if she had not done those things..  what if she had been respectful and kind through the divorce.. would I have struggled to let her go???    Not sure.. 

Sometimes it takes a change in perspective to knock us out of a rut.  It's good that you have self-analyzed and know that you are not ready to date.  But maybe you are ready to just meet some new people and change some of your circumstances?

One thing I would suggest is to let him go by no longer having any contact or knowledge of his life.  Unfriend him on FBook, try to avoid hearing about him, don't think about him at all if possible.  

Another suggestion is that it's time to start looking forward instead of backward.  You need to find some hope about things to come.  Try not to think about your past as being happy.. you were married to a gay man.  Think about how amazing life is going to be when you are married to a hetero man who really loves you and cherishes you.  (when you are ready to date again of course)

Have you thought about forgiveness?  It's the hardest thing in the world.. I'm trying so hard right now to work on this.  I have a lot to be bitter and angry and resentful about.  But I don't want to carry that baggage any longer.  I'm trying to remove this poison from my life.  Still not there yet, but I am starting to feel progress and I'm starting to feel the peace that replaces the bitterness.   You might find that forgiveness will help you move on and help you become ready to meet someone new, and then meeting someone new will fill you with hope and happiness.  It can be a chain reaction or a line of dominos.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

March 13, 2017 3:25 pm  #3


Re: still in love

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 1:27 pm)

 

March 13, 2017 3:42 pm  #4


Re: still in love

Linda,
  I have realized that for me the stages of grief (shock, denial, bargaining, anger, etc on to acceptance) do not unfold in discrete categories, but overlap and loop back. Overall, I do make progress toward acceptance and then planning a new future, but there are days when it feels as if I'm back to Day One, Disclosure Day.  Maybe realizing that the process is not relentlessly linear can help you realize that a bad day is just a bad day, not a sign that you'll never get through this?

I started therapy about a month and a half ago, and my therapist recommended that I practice "cognitive re-structuring," which really means talking back to your negative thoughts.  So when in moments I am lonely, or find it hard to move to ending it, and find myself thinking things like "maybe the problem is me, and if I learned to think about my husband's transness as an opportunity we could have a fantastic marriage," I "talk back" to that thought.  In my case what I say is, "Oh, sure.  It'll be a real picnic in the park once you can get over the fact that you're heterosexual and begin thinking of yourself as a lesbian married to a (male) lesbian."   She also recommended that I be ruthless with myself about dwelling on things, and cut my thoughts off so that I don't end up wallowing in nostalgia.
  I don't know if these suggestions will work for you, but they've been helpful for me. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 13, 2017 3:42 pm)

 

March 13, 2017 3:44 pm  #5


Re: still in love

Linda,
This is how I process it.. 

I hear you.   I loved my ex ..   more than anything in the world.    But she took care of that by not only cheating and lying   (and being gay) but also by becoming downright mean and cruel.   Now,  if you put a gun to my head,  I would not go back to her.. she hurt me so much. 

I get sad now about my love for her as I gave her 110%..so much of me.   So I understand where you're coming from.    But she is not the same person I loved.  she is this horrible person.   Any time I think about the love I gave  I then think about the hurt and abuse..and then I realize I cannot go back..   I will always love her to some degree though..or the person that she was.    But I will never go back.

If you can't look forward...and it takes time..we all need to work on that ..
I urge you then; when you look back and feel sad about the lost love  think about the hurt.. if he loved you and cared about you why didn't he stop hurting you.  

We loved them but they did not love us to the same degree.    Our love is authentic and genuine..there's is something else...."shallow" or "variable" comes to mind..it's actually very scary if you dwell on it. we loved them absolutely but they did not love us the same..their love then can change with time , the weather, the temperature etc. How scary is that...how worthless their words.
Feel doubly sorry for whoever he is with... any promises he makes  are worthless.

It's like the words from that movie I saw;  "this is not me leaving you..this is you rejecting me".    They rejected our love .they chose...   We did nothing so horrible or wrong..we loved selflessly. In my case she hurt me..over and over.    I really think now they do not, and maybe never did, deserve our love.

To try to get over the bitterness and hate..to .let it go..go no contact as I did.   They are beyond us now...they are not worthy of our fierce love...our kids and ourselves get that now.    Our time, our thoughts,  our resources... they do not deserve any of it.   They rejected it.  They made their choice(s).   Maybe one day someone else will be worthy of our love..  but for now...give some of your kindness and compassion and strong fierce love to yourself. 

Last edited by Rob (March 13, 2017 3:45 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 13, 2017 4:27 pm  #6


Re: still in love

Linda, 
The emotional rollercoaster absolutely sucks.  But I agree with Rob, focus the lonely on what can be, not what has been.  You state you're a catch, but maybe you don't believe that, or you think he was the only man for you.  In both cases, you are wrong.  You are a catch, and he's not the only man.  

You can still love him, but you can't, for your own good, torture yourself with watching him with the next unknowing woman whose life he is going to destroy.  Unfriend, unfollow, un-care.  No contact.  No asking about him to mutual friends.  I know it's tempting but stop torturing yourself.  You have plenty of living to do.  

Honor your new life by starting one thing different today, that is just for you. 

We will all be there in case you turn around and go back the other way.  Think of us as gay repellant, protecting you from what we all know will hurt you.     

Hugs and peace to you.
M

Start doing things to practice self-respect and love for yourself, whatever those might be.  You don't and didn't deserve someone who can't love you back (I know sometimes it feels safer that way, more of a challenge). 


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

March 13, 2017 6:01 pm  #7


Re: still in love

Hi Linda,

This feeling does suck and is harder than it should be. Particularly when you think about it logically it should be easy.   But its a process - I hated that term but its true. Grieving, anger etc.   Going through the anger phase can be productive if you channel it.  I would be thinking about the future and how much better it will be now that you don't have him in your life. For me, part of this came from acknowledging that no how much I thought I loved my ex they didn't love me, In fact they had so little regard for what I was offering that went with someone else.  Its giving a value what YOU have to give. Whats more, this just isn't given to anyone and it should be respected and they didn't.
Also I think with time your own 'blindness' to what they were really like and the good and bad in the relationship come into sharper relief because you aren't trying to save a relationship.  Its good to be critical so that you don't make the same mistakes and recognize when you have found a good partner.
While you say you are not ready to date there are people who are in a similar position.  I know I'm not ready to consider marriage again but I have met many wonderful women.  It has helped me 're-calibrate' and made think about what I would like in a partner and life in general.
HTH 

 

 

March 13, 2017 8:04 pm  #8


Re: still in love

jkpeace for the win!  Yaaaay!!!


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

March 17, 2017 7:05 pm  #9


Re: still in love

Amen JKPeace!  For all of us who have travelled this road:  you are too damn awesome to waste your life with a gay spouse!  Go after your dreams!  You have been given the gift of freedom, choice and deliverance from a hell only a few will ever be able to understand.  Empower yourself and rise!!

 

March 18, 2017 4:59 pm  #10


Re: still in love

AMEN! I do believe this though at the same time the heart aches!  I have asked God to make it easer. Like NOW! The weekends are the worst.  Me alone and them together.  He really does look and act gay.  I wonder what she sees in him! A little bit of truth as to what he has done makes him more open and special because he revealed something so personal about himself to her.  He did the same to me.  It made me feel special because he shared a "secret"  He is doing the same to this poor unsuspecting woman. I just shake my head and feel sad. 

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