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Wed Mar 8 8:38 am  #1


My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

 

Last edited by JenS (Thu Apr 20 8:53 am)

 

Wed Mar 8 9:04 am  #2


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

This is a great topic.  I think it would be really helpful for the new people to see if because they are in a stage filled with fear. 


I was scared to be alone.  I had wrapped my entire existence into my wife and kids.  I was getting only small morsels of the love I needed from her, but I became utterly dependent on those morsels to survive.  I thought that if I lost those I might as well just die... there would be nothing left to live for.      wow.. was I wrong about that!

I was scared of finances and change in my life.  My initial vision was that I would be forced to be the "every other weekend" dad and have to pay huge amounts of child support and alimony and have to move out of my house and find some ratty apartment and struggle to get by.  I spent so much time and stress on that vision..   Gosh what a wreck I was.   (It didn't turn out to look like that at all when things settled out)


 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Wed Mar 8 10:02 am  #3


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

My biggest fear is that I move forward and he makes me feel like I'm an idiot for thinking he is gay and he convinces everyone else of it as well.   Or maybe it's that I do try just one more time and end up in the same spot 5 years from now. 

Last edited by Bec (Wed Mar 8 10:02 am)

 

Wed Mar 8 10:08 am  #4


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Bec wrote:

Or maybe it's that I do try just one more time and end up in the same spot 5 years from now. 

I think this is the hardest one for a lot of the women on this forum.   So many of you have the intuition to know that your husbands are gay, but they won't admit it..  so you have that horrible fear that maybe you've made a mistake..  so you don't do anything.  You wait for years and years.  That would be so hard!!!!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Wed Mar 8 10:43 am  #5


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

I feared many things; being alone, finances, where would I live. etc.    But it was all overcome or overshadowed by how horrible she became...the rage and abuse.     You could say she helped me overcome those fears.   

My biggest fear now. .I'm still afraid of her..the rage and fury,  the hurt.  Physical fear.   Even though we divorced and separated.  I fear she with still try to hurt me.  She is still capable of infinite hurt.  I pray she will find happiness and leave me alone.   


 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Wed Mar 8 10:57 am  #6


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Great thread! My biggest fear is that I'll end up being too comfortable in my own company and won't seek a life outside the home................or maybe it's too afraid to step outside the home and seek a life. Being all alone was a HUGE fear, even though I felt very lonely in the marriage, I had someone pull in the driveway each evening. I only see one of my kids every few weeks at this stage, the others are far far away.

I had other fears (15mths since TGT), finances were my biggest fear initially......he's been honourable so far that way and I've been managing with what I earn & what he provides, it seems doable to me now.

This will probably sound so trivial to some but I fear bumping into old neighbours and acquaintances too......I didn't move too far from the family home and will no doubt bump into people in time.........I know some of our story has circulated and the gay thing is out there! I'll have my game face on for sure but behind that there's always the WHAT ARE THEY SAYING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK feelings! 

 


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

Wed Mar 8 12:07 pm  #7


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Fear: That I wouldn't be able to do it all alone - work full-time (which I was already doing), and afford for my 3 kids and I to live in an affordable place with a decent neighborhood and good schools.

Reality:  I wound up staying in the same (rental) home.  My kids had all the same friends, the same neighborhood, the same schools and teachers.

Fear:  That after giving up the mediocre husband I did have, that I'd find out later that I had the best man that I'd ever be capable of having.

Reality:  I found the best man I've ever known.  And he desperately wanted me.  And proved himself (and continues to prove himself) every.single.day.  I feared I couldn't get as good as I'd had.  I wound up with better than anyone I've EVER known.  Seriously.  The best marriage I know of.

Fear:  That without my anal-retentive ex (what a surprise, right?), the house would go to hell pretty quickly.  I had no idea where I stood on such things any longer, having pandered to his need to be perfect all those years.

Reality:  The house is just as clean now than it ever was.  The fact that I feared the house becoming too messy should have signaled me that it was something I didn't want - and something that I would make sure not to let happen.

Fear:  That I wasn't a good prospect for any man - I was overweight, in my 40's, had three kids, no savings, and my oldest child was a complete a-hole.

Reality:  I never felt more popular than when I started dating again.  All those years I'd felt like my draw was diminished due to me being overweight.  Turns out that in their 40's, men were more relaxed - they didn't have perfect bodies and they were done chasing that.  They wanted personality, strength, laughter and dedication.  I had all those things in droves.

Fear:  That I'd never be able to catch-up on the things I was behind on in life - having a decent car, owning a home, etc.

Reality:  We're closing on a house later this week!  I've had a newer car for a few years now.  The man makes sure I'm taken care of, even if he has to sacrifice for a while to get me what I want before he gets what he wants.  And not because I ask that of him.  Far from it.  It's just the way he is.

Fear:  That my family acting like I'd "ruined" my kids' lives by going through the divorce.

Reality:  My mom's tried.  Any time anything emotional comes up with the kids, it's because of the divorce.  She's knows not to bring this up an longer, though.  I've had to say "So,.... what would you have had me do, Mom?" to her.  Or, "You realize my oldest son was showing signs of being mentally ill 6 years prior to my divorce, right?"  I've even had to remind her that she and my dad have stayed together all these years, and her kids aren't exactly models of human perfection, either.  SHUT THE HELL UP, WOMAN.  She gets the point now.  I can't change what's running through her mind, but I don't care any longer.  She also likes Trump.  So how important is her judgement to me?  Lol.

I don't think there was a single.solitary.fear that wound up coming true.  My life improved dramatically.  Not that my fears were unreasonable - they were my reality.  But I could have let them stop me (as I had for many years), but eventually, the thought of staying became more overwhelming than the fear of all the unknown.  When I thought of leaving, I'd feel fearful.  But when I projected out what staying for another 10-30 years looked like, I'd feel panicked.  I realized which decision was more overwhelming to me that way.

Some fears can be planned for (financial), or worked out.  Others you just need to hold your nose and jump, knowing that you really do know how to swim already.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Mar 8 12:30 pm  #8


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

My biggest fear? That the days he leaves, I will come home, let the cats out into the yard and lay down on the couch and swallow a hand full of sleeping pills.

Reality: I would never let him win that way, much less let him keep a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy to fund his new life.


Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
 

Wed Mar 8 12:55 pm  #9


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

JJ1966 wrote:

My biggest fear? That the days he leaves, I will come home, let the cats out into the yard and lay down on the couch and swallow a hand full of sleeping pills.

Reality: I would never let him win that way, much less let him keep a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy to fund his new life.

Oh JJ.. You hit on my most sensitive spot right there.  Please, I emplore you.. don't even consider that.  You have so much life to live and so much happiness to experience.  I cannot explain to you how much my life turned around just a few weeks after my ex actually left the house.  It will get better.. you are stuck in purgatory right now, but as soon as he leaves, you get to leave as well and you will find a much better place. 

PLEASE.. if you are thinking about suicide.. even just a little bit.. reach out to someone for help.  PM me and I'll give you my phone number if there is nobody else.  There is nothing I take more seriously.. I would drop everything to try to talk someone out of that idea.  I'm certainly not a professionaly.. not even close..  but I think I can breathe some hope and compassion into your life and help and I would offer my help in a heartbeat.   

I'm not the only one either.. I know of a few others on this forum who would offer the same compassion and response (and probably much better advice than I'm capable of). 


 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Wed Mar 8 8:08 pm  #10


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

I think my biggest fear is I will never truly trust a man again.  When I met my XH, I told him I valued honesty above all else and he promised me he would always be honest.  To know that from the first day I met him, he was lying to my face!

 

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