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1 of 1- Janice
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Denial?
I am not sure how unique my situation is.
I found out about a month ago that the man I have been in a relationship with for 21 years has been calling a gay mens chat line and meeting with men to receive oral sex; he also admitted to once trying to give oral sex and anal sex…I think he may have done more than he is telling me since this went on for 4 years.
He told me he was having prostrate issues which is why our sex life had lapsed some over the past 4 years…I offered to work around the issues he was having and do other things sexually with him so that it would not hurt him, but he ignored me and chose to not have sex with me, but shortly before discovering his infidelities with men we had renewed our sex life and things seemed better than ever.
He says he cheated with men because he didn’t think it was cheating – why cheat at all if you’re having issues with your equipment, which now I realize must have been an excuse.
He claims he is not gay says he is not attracted to men, also says he is not bi-sexual.
My gut tells me he is gay and in transition. I have loved this man for 21 years so told him that if he is gay he needs to admit it to himself; be true to himself so he no longer needs to live a lie, but so far, he has not come out as gay or even bi.
Is it possible that he's not gay or bi-sexual? In my mind, in order to do what he did with other men he has to a least be bisexual…am I wrong?
Last edited by Janice (March 6, 2017 1:52 am)
- Leah
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Re: Denial?
Hi Janice,
Sorry you find yourself here. Cheating is cheating is cheating.
Actions do speak louder than words. Whatever the label, however uncomfortable he is with his actions, they are not those of someone who is valuing you as a person and sexual partner. It is incredible the lengths they will go to to justify their actions, health issues, confusion, or simple sexual desires you can't fulfill. It is a lie. In this day and age, there is no reason to hide and if he is not being honest with himself, then I'm afraid you will never get the truth as he is as you suspect, probably in transition of some sort.
It is so hard. My GIDX denied for so long. And justified himself endlessly. He was sorry, offered to change, to give me access to all his email, phone etc. Wanted me to stay. But in the end I felt he couldn't really explore what his actions meant to himself and his identity or be honest with himself about the effect of such a long term history of betrayals had on our day to day marriage or how devastated I was.... he wanted me to just 'get over it'
It affects you every day to live with someone with such a massive internal conflict going on, they have little energy for normal life or supporting a partner in a relationship. That was what I felt. I wish you well.
Take good care of yourself.
- vicky
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Re: Denial?
It's not unique at all, your story has been repeated on here a thousand times. Some with cheating some without. Bottom line is take what he does and apply the most logical explanation. He is not telling you the truth either deliberately or because he can't accept it himself so he believes his own version there is no point in asking him questions he will lie. I've been at this a year, my partner has very obvious attractions to men (says he wants to perform oral sex on men, watches gay/bi porn, comments on attractive men, we went to a male stripper) all this I've seen with my own eyes and heard him say with my own ears yet he claims he's not gay or bi. I believe he simply cannot accept it himself.
My point is, the past year was a very confusing time for me primarily because I trusted him and believed him for 17 years it was a hard habit to break and that belief in his lies really messed me up. Once I cut through his bullshit and started listening to my gut it was a revelation I knew for certain he is not straight.
When you listen to what he says and apply it to what he does they do not align, therein lies your answer he is not telling the truth. The sooner you trust your own intuition the sooner you will have peace in your own mind. Regardless if you decide to remain together or separate you need that peace.
Good luck and post as much as you like there's a lot of different perspectives on here you may find helpful.
Vicky
- JJ1966
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Re: Denial?
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but if you need support through this confusing situation, you couldn't have found a better place.
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- Kel
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Re: Denial?
Hi Janice,
Unfortunately, your story isn't unique. But don't get caught up on labels - except for one; cheater. If he was doing this with women, would you be as confused? What would you tell your best friend if she were in the same situation?
It doesn't matter if he's attracted to men or not. He's f*cking them. Who CARES how he feels about them?!?
And yes, he's lying about how much he's done. He's lying to himself about not being gay, so why would he tell YOU the truth about everything he's done? It serves him no purpose at this point. The truth will only make him look worse.
Don't let him tell you that he thought it wasn't cheating. He knows it was. They will use ANYthing as an excuse for how what you caught them doing really wasn't that bad. From "I was curious" (do you get to be curious about sleeping with other men, Janice?) to "It wasn't really cheating if it's not with a woman". It's alllll complete bullshit. You don't need answers as much as you think you do. You have evidence that he doesn't feel the need to be truthful to or faithful to you. You don't need a label to see that.
I wish you well -
Kel
Last edited by Kel (March 6, 2017 1:00 pm)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- vicky
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Re: Denial?
Agree Kel, if they don't think it's cheating, if they truly felt there was nothing wrong with exploring it why do they feel the need to hide it? It's being unfaithful whether it's male or female. If that's the terms you agreed upon for your relationship fine, but if that's not what you signed up for it's a breach of your contract (marriage).
- Janice
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Re: Denial?
Thank you all so much for your insight and posts, it helps so much just knowing I am not alone! Cheating is cheating thank you for that no matter what he does know right from wrong - which is why he went to such lengths to hide it.
I feel blessed to have found this group...I feel lighter already and validated!
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