Welcome LunaChrissi, 

Sorry you find yourself in this tough situation.  I think you've come to a good and safe place where you can get some help from people who have been through what you are going through.  Just remember that none of us are professionals.. we can only speak from personal experience and our own ideas and thoughts. 

You referenced "being cured".  Almost everyone on this site will tell you that is not possible.  It is the general belief amongst our group and most experts in this arena, that same sex attraction (SSA) is genetic.. It's how a person is wired.  So if you are wired to be attracted to a certain sex, you can't really expect to be cured of that.  I'm sure there are people in the world who will claim this works, but most of us think that's untrue.  

One of the things we struggle with is what it truly means to be BI.  Of course we know that by definition this means a person is attracted to both genders and may enjoy intimacy with both genders.  However in this forum, in most cases, our spouses use the term "Bi" because it's more socially acceptable than "gay".  So it's a way of easing their way out of the closet.  If a spouse is bisexual, that implies that there is a future in the marriage because he/she still desires us.  I truly hope your husband is in fact "bi" and does still desire you.  If this is the case, then keeping your marriage and your monogamy is still very possible.  I pray this the case for you. 

It seems like you need to have some challenging discussions with your husband.. and counseling would be a very good way to do that.  You will naturally want to know if his admission of being "Bi" is truthful, and hopefully not a cover for him truly being gay.  You will want to make sure that he is handling his attraction to men without actually engaging with them physically.  Are you ok with him using porn?  You will want to have some discussions about trust.. is he willing to give you access to his phone/computer or does he expect full privacy?  

Again, welcome to the group.  Please feel free to share as much as you like.  There will surely be others who will chime in and offer advice from their own experiences.  

 

Hi LC,

Welcome.  I'm sorry you find yourself here but hopefully we can help you answer some of these questions.

What I tell everyone (and what others told me when I first came here) is to take the gay/bi part out of it.  Is it acceptable to you that he's out there on gay sites and having contact with ex lovers?  In my opinion I'd say no.  Would you contact an ex of yours and think it was ok?  Or would you feel like you were cheating?  What concerns me is that his ex contacted you.  I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that you were not contacted as a "courtesy" just to tell you something.  That man was contacting you to try to stir something up.  No Ex in the history of time has ever contacted someone's wife just to let them know something.  His motive is to get you pissed, out of the picture, and eventually, get with your husband - that's what this sounds like to me.

You ask what your role is and that you want to understand it.  Any spouses roll is to expect faithfulness and honesty.  As a wife, you shouldn't have to be wondering what your role is.  There is nothing you can do to make it easier for him to be honest.  In my past experience and in the experience of many here, we've found that if someone is already showing a track record of hiding things then that's not a pattern that's going to change.  In my case, I tried to ask for honesty.  I asked him for the truth with no judgment on my end.  But even that wouldn't make him be honest with me.  Years later, even after our divorce, he's still out there fooling other women. 

All I can say is to keep reading here.  Keep taking the gay out of it and asking yourself if this behavior is acceptable from any partner, gay or straight.

Hi,
For a counsellor try these sources. 
http://glma.org/
https://www.aasect.org/
Vicky