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Fri Jul 15 6:30 am  #1


Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

Hello,

It's 3:30 in the morning.  I've been crying for over 4 hours.  My husband and I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary.  We have an 8 year old.  He will be 9 the day after our anniversary.  I love my husband but the past 3 years have been difficult.  He has not shown affection toward me since the 2nd year of marriage.  It seems strange that I am still here but I am somewhat disabled and a Christian.  I followed all the things they told us in marriage counseling, but still nothing.  The last time we had sex was October 21st, 2013.  I know, I know, you are thinking, "oh, he is having an affair, he is not gay!"  Well, Every time we had sex after our son was born it was exactly that.  I can remember making love once and that was it.  After that he would close his eyes and it seemed like he just wanted to get it over with.  He does not have time for an affair!  He is with me or our son, or at work.  Yes, I checked it out and had a PI on him so no, no affair. But, no love between us either no fire, no passion, nothing.  This evening was his birthday and I planned for our son to spend the night at my parents house.  I prayed all day for a miracle.  I took a shower with him and tried to arouse him which took forever.  Then fellatio.  I tried everything I could to make him happy.  He performed and then smiled and said thank you.  No hug, no kiss, no nothing.  Not giving up, I thought perhaps snuggling on the couch while watching TV.  We laid on the couch and he did not touch me.  He swears up and down that he loves me but there is nothing physical there.  I actually considered suicide this evening, the only thing that kept me from doing so is my faith and knowing that I will go to hell if I kill myself.  I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. 

My reason for thinking he is gay is that he has an older brother that is gay and sometimes he seems hostile when the subject comes up.  I don't know what to do, my depression ever deepens and I really don't want to live like this anymore. Going on 5 hours of tears and looking for a new Christian marriage counselor. The one we have is just getting depressed listening to me talk about my problems.  Not much of a help I'm afraid.

I want to stop crying but it's going on 6 hours of tears now.  I've had problems writing this and got sick twice.  The devil keeps trying to pull me into hell and I feel that it may be my only out!  I keep crying I hurt so badly.  I just want the pain to go away! I know I will not be sleeping tonight. 

 

Fri Jul 15 10:32 am  #2


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

Hi sweetie.  I'm sorry you find a need to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

Your story sounds so similar to mine in that I had children with my ex husband, and never did think he was cheating, but he clearly wasn't into me.  It was difficult to entice him, and any sex that we had was very perfunctory - oftentimes just like yours - with closed eyes.  He got lots of oral sex performed on him, but never once did he perform it on me.  He rarely touched me even outside of the bedroom, except for whenever we'd go in public and he'd constantly hold my hand - as if making a show of looking like a couple.  I was left feeling rejected, ugly, matronly, uninteresting and above all, lonely.  But I kept on keeping on, because I was committed to my religion (Christianity) and therefore, my marriage.  I knew I would face great pressure from my family if I announced a divorce, mostly because of my children.  My parents, while overall in a happy marriage, had dealt with some large unhappinesses for decades, and I knew they would expect the same of me - for the sake of the children.  I felt that my ex was a good dad, and a decent husband.  So many of the things that women have dealt with for millennia were absent in our marriage - drinking, abuse, cheating, gambling.  He was a decent man, we had a decent marriage, and I felt that I should be decently happy.  So I kept on stuffing my pain down inside and moving on through my days with working and raising a young family.  I cried, I raged, I prayed.  We went to counseling.  None of it helped except maybe temporarily.  The problem still loomed large, and I was given no explanation beyond that my drive was too high, and that it wasn't me - he just didn't like sex all that much.  He'd had a very sexually abusive childhood, so I figured this was the truth.  My head wanted to believe it, but my heart never caught on - all it knew was rejection.  And it just kept trying to fix things - act nicer, be prettier, try harder.  And none of it ever worked.

There was a series of events that led up to me eventually calling it quits.  But in the end, what happened was that I realized that nothing was ever going to change.  I reasoned that if changes weren't made in the beginning of the relationship, they were absolutely not more likely to change later, when things had become status quo and he was more and more sure that my anger over this issue wouldn't result in anything - even if I'd threatened that it would.  He was becoming more comfortable in his role of resistance - and I was becoming more and more angry and resentful.  We were never going to get closer to the mark, and we certainly weren't going to ever get close enough that I'd ever be happy.  I kept trying for more sex, and was having a hard time with just that.  But in reality, more sex wouldn't have satisfied me - because it wasn't passionate, skillful, or even loving.  So I figured that if I couldn't get movement on frequency, HOW could I ever get movement on things that weren't easily described and fixed?  It was then that I looked forward 25 years, and realized that if things never changed (and I was sure that they wouldn't), I would be so remiss that I'd stayed just for the sake of looking like a good person.

I passed him one day in the hallway, and in answer to his question of "how are you?", I said, "I can't do this anymore".  And that was the beginning of the end.  I wasn't saying that I wanted to THINK about a divorce (I'd been thinking about a divorce for 10 years!).  I was saying, "I'm.done".  He fought - he wanted to go to counseling (which I did, but simply for him to realize that this was futile).  He suddenly wanted to attempt all the things that he saw as a loving husband doing - helping me undress after a long day, giving me a massage, taking me out for dessert after the kids went to bed (his mom lived with us, so the kids were watched).  And I went along with some of it, but it was pointless.  My heart had thrown in the towel.  And I was angry, too - how come all those years of me telling you that Iiiiiii was unhappy didn't result in any action, but the moment you felt that YOU would lose something, you tried?!?  So my happiness was never important to you until it affected YOUR happiness.  That was pretty insulting to me, and I wasn't having it.  Too little, too late.  We did continue to go to counseling though, where the counselor told us  after about 6 joint sessions that he'd taken us about as far as he could - that our sex issue wasn't from a bad relationship - our bad relationship was from the sex issue.  It was unlike 99% of the cases he'd seen.  He wanted to start seeing my ex on his own, knowing the issues that caused our problems were within him.  This had been suggested many times in the past by other therapists, and my ex always declined the counseling.  He didn't want to face the demons of his past.  But this time, he did it.  And it was then that he finally figured out a way to admit to himself that he was gay.  I still wouldn't learn for years more, but I eventually did learn.

I won't say that my attempt to divorce was easy.  It was very complicated in that my ex was in culinary school full-time, and his mother lived with us, as well as a friend of the family.  His mother was ill with cancer.  There was just so much going on that although my heart was done, I could see no way for him to support himself (much less help support his children) if I forced him to leave immediately.  He only had his mother, and she was clearly staying with the kids and I.  So we lived together for almost 2 years after I announced that I wanted a divorce.  The for 9 months or so was him coming to terms with the fact that the divorce was actually going to happen.  Then we had several months where he was angry about the inevitable and was telling my family that I was cheating on him (because I needed to get out of the house and away from him in order to separate mentally).  Followed by my family hounding me if I so much ran out to get a gallon of milk or run to a dental appointment.  Eventually my ex and I came to the agreement that we didn't want each other, and we wanted to move on.  We'd tell the kids we were divorcing when it was just a few weeks before he was to move out.  But then my ex started dragging his feet on moving out.  He was clearly scared - he'd always had job issues, and he'd always depended on someone else (first his mother, then me) to support him.  Instead of saving his money so that he could buy things and have money for a deposit for an apartment, he kept spending all the money - on ME.  Watches, dresses, shoes, handbags, jewelry, cell phones.  I eventually told him no - the stuff would go back - he needed to LEAVE.  Of course he always gave me the gifts in front of the kids and his mother, so I had to graciously accept and fawn, and then rage in private at him.  He acted like he didn't understand, but I know he did.  He and I had both been dating others for months by the time he finally left.  He moved out of the house and in with a boyfriend immediately - telling the kids that L was his "friend".

Years have passed now - about 5.  And in the meantime, he has lived as a fully gay man.  The kids know, our families know - everyone knows.  He seems happier in some ways - he clearly is gay.  And in other ways, I think that he still misses being the head of a house rather than cowtailing to someone who has demands because he is supporting my ex.  Iiiiii am 1000% happier.  I met a man just a few months after my ex left (I'd been dating for a long time by then), and we fell in love.  It was a whirlwind romance and we've been married for 3 years as of next week.  I could not be happier unless I were twins.  He is everything I ever wanted in a man, but more.  And he is constantly chasing my tail.  I feel beautiful, sexy and amazing.  We dream and plan and have more fun than two squirrels who found a nut should ever have.  I can't be sorry that I didn't leave earlier - because I wouldn't have found this particular man (he was married until recently before I met him, too).  But if I'd known how happy I would wind up being, I'd have left eons ago.

My family got over everything.  My kids are happier than ever.  They now have a wonderful role model for their own marriages some day.  And my current husband is a much better dad to them that their father ever was.  My ex still sees them every-other-weekend, and he's a decent dad.  But they prefer life at home with this happy family.  It turns out that God didn't strike me dead for divorcing - or remarrying.  I feel quite the opposite, actually - that God saw me in my despair and loneliness, and provided the man that he'd always been preparing for me.  All this time I thought that I just had to keep trying to make it work.  But I was wrong - I was trying to walk around with something dead and pretend that it could come back to life.  I had been abandoned by the husband I had - emotionally and intimately.  And I was released from that and given the gift of a lifetime.  I have not seen ONE church friend who hasn't been happy for me - who remarks how much happier I seem now.  When the old pastor that I'd known since the age of 7 asked me what happened, I told him that my ex turned out to be gay.  The only thing he said to me was "I thought so".  He shook my new husband's hand heartily and told him to take care of me - that I was an amazing woman who deserved it.  My husband said, "You have noooooo idea."  I am loved now in all ways that I should be.

In the end, it doesn't matter why your husband isn't loving you the right way.  Maybe he doesn't want to.  Maybe he's incapable.  But the fact of the matter is that he ISN'T.  And that's not acceptable.  You have a right to intimacy in your marriage - it's the BACKBONE of marriage.  You are not selfish for wanting it, or even demanding it.  It's a basic human need.  And you're not likely to ever get it with the man you're with.  If you 100% knew that to be true, would that change things for you at all?  Because for me, it did.  When I had hope, I could keep on keeping on.  Once I realized that no change was coming, I lost hope and threw in the towel.  It was never a matter of whether I would tolerate it - it was a matter of the possibility of change.  Once there was no hope of change, I was done.  I had to be - I couldn't go on that way any longer.

I wish you the best -

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Fri Jul 15 2:56 pm  #3


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

I feel so sorry for you guys  2and/34  (and you kel even though it has past).   My ex's  discard of me was sudden and swift..   One day we were having regular sex,,,a bit more in the end  (i think she was trying to see if she still liked it/was straight).  Then she went overnight with her girlfriend to a "spa treatment".    Then WHAM...never came near me again.    Snooping  because of this I found the emails as to what went on at the "spa".    Yes,  I found horrible proof  but I did not need it.. just the discard and both emotional and physical shunning was enough to know she was having an affair.    It was bizarre..she thought she could just totally stop coming near me.. and I would not notice..  I see now that was the narcissism.

I have no idea why someone  would not want to have sex with their spouse every chance they could get.    It does not seem right or fair...what part of "to have and to hold" didn't they understand.   Why do they not love us completely the way we love them..

Good luck with the counselors..  I'm not sure how they can help.. our spouses are either "all in"  or they are not.      I would be curious to know what he tells counselors as to why he does not come near you.
As one who has been absolutely, totally 100% rejected physically I find it a cruel and horrible thing..  inhumane.    I remember in the beginning...my then wife would not hold my hand or kiss me...  yet she acted like I had a problem.     It was gut wrenching and sick..to be cast aside like garbage.

Let us know how it goes.    If it means anything I'd give you a hug and I don't even know you.

E-hugs  (sincere and authentic).
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Fri Jul 15 4:09 pm  #4


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

I don't mean to sound blunt, but you are ALREADY in hell. Hell on Earth and I don't believe God or your church would want you to stay in this marriage. 


"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
 

Fri Jul 15 5:23 pm  #5


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

Rob, I can't say my situation was worse (or better) than yours. All of our situations were gut-wrenching in their own way. For me, I felt like my marriage died a slow, painful death. Like the frog in water boiling type of thing. Only the opposite - like I started off warm, but eventually I noticed the heat was turned down so low that I was freezing by the time I noticed.  But you keep thinking the temperature was just a LITTLE off, because you've become so used to it. It's only later that you realize just how terribly off the temperature really was, and that it was taking all your resources just to stay alive in those circumstances. You never even got close to enjoying yourself.

Maybe I'm being super stereotypical, but whenever I hear a wife complaining about a long-term lack of unexplained sex in her marriage, I automatically assume that he's gay. Especially when he's not touching her, and he's rebuffing her.  Straight.men.just.don't.do.that.  But sometimes we lose sight of that and think our situation's unique - maybe we think that we're unattractive. We're often coached to believe that the amount of sex we want is an unreasonably amount. Or that we're freaks. Or that by wanting more sex, we're being demanding (nothing like accusing a woman of being demanding to make her retreat). We forget that the guy should be chasing our tail all the time or he just not right. Something's just.not.right.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Fri Jul 15 6:07 pm  #6


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

Please move away from harming yourself. Whatever it does to the fate of your soul afterwards it will cause a devastating pain to your child, one that may scar him for life and lead him into paths that you would not want him to take.

When my now-ex announced that he was gay, was leaving and wanted a divorce I did not consider killing myself but I did think that everyone would be better off if I just went to sleep and never woke up. Then I realized that my children needed me to be the stable parent. I found a pamphlet at church written for those who had lost a spouse through death and I started picking up the pieces of my life.

If you are like me you probably had little experience with men before marrying. I realize looking back that there were all kinds of clues before he told me several years after marriage that he was "bi'.  We did counseling because the said he wanted only me but once our family was completed the sex stopped. He was like the refrigerator: white, big and cold. Until his parents died and he met a man with whom he apparently wanted to spend the rest of his life.

Looking back now I think his family was more shocked when he announced our engagement than when I told them why we were separating after 30+ years. In my opinion individual counseling can help you on the path you choose but no counseling will lead you to have a passionate marriage: not just sex but a marriage where you desire each other and devote energy towards supporting each other "in sickness and in health." You are not what he wants.

I have rebuilt my self-esteem, am happier than I have been for years a/

nd our children are self-supporting adults. They have good relationships with each of us and we are civil to each other. My advice would be don't sacrifice yourself mourning for or trying to hold together a marriage that has a fundamental flaw in its base. Think of it a a house built on sand because no matter what you do it is not going to stable.
 

 

Sat Jul 16 12:34 am  #7


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

Not sleeping tonight..

I'll forever never know what happened to the wife I knew.

On the local news I saw a man who had been shot and was in a wheelchair.  He had lost use of his arms and legs years ago.  He was on the news program with his wife.  I admired that woman so much...she stood by and supported her husband.. she was all in..she honored her vows.   

It frightens me that I was with a woman that would have abandoned me should I become injured.   I realized this as I lay in the emergency room the other week and she was texting me not about how I was but money.

But for a brief minute i saw  true love on the local news.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Fri Jun 16 6:46 pm  #8


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

2and3/4: your story hit so many areas of my life of 38 years.

 

Fri Sep 22 7:27 pm  #9


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

Hi, I am not sure if my husband is gay. We got married 2 years ago but his behavior soon caused me to suffer. I am unhappy. I would like to know the truth. Can you tell me how?

 

Sat Sep 23 1:45 am  #10


Re: Not sure, no true signs but frightened!

Dear 2,

I totally understand where you are coming from with the wanting to be dead, I've been there too. It's not being dead, it's not wanting to feel the pain anymore and seeing no way out, all the options suck and I'm sure you love your husband. Please don't hurt yourself, keep coming on here and talking and reading these stories.

 

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