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Mon Feb 27 2:54 pm  #1

My story

Hi there, for me TGT happened Oct '15. I didn't see it coming, AT ALL. Oh I knew there was SOMETHING but what I'd no clue, he's an extremely successful man professionally, provided very well for us all. We had a lovely home, vacations every year, kids all college educated debt free. He worked hard, travelled a lot with work, worked late as his jobs always involved contact with different time zones. I was the dutiful wife, kept house, kept the kids on track, did all the running around required. Did all the birthday gifts, Christmas gifts for all his family along with my own,,,,,,,,,,,,,you get the drift! He was basically home Sat/Sun but needed to catch up on sleep as he worked so long and hard during week!! He was an amazing husband during the pregnancies and births, an amazing dad to our newborns, didn't shy away from any of the duties, changing, bathing, burping etc and each had colic.

The things I was aware of were he wasn't one for PDAs, he wasn't great at giving affection, his attitude was "if you need a hug or whatever come and take it", I'm not one to go begging so over time I stopped pushing. We did have many, MANY conversations around the lack of affection etc, always with him saying he'll try be more aware. He'd say things like I didn't know how easy I had it, he'd often use attack is the best form of defence if I questioned him on things he didn't want to entertain, he'd say I was critical and he felt tested by me. I was confused as I wasn't testing him at all (of course I know now it was he testing himself). We have similar senses of humour and got on well (I thought), it wasn't all bad, I used to say we were a straight line, whereas some of our friends were more roller coaster relationships, we didn't seem to have the extremes, highs or lows others did.

Within a few years after our last was born (he's 24 now) I noticed more and more it was me initiating sex, when I challenged this I was told so long as one of us is that's ok. I'd reply it can't always be the same one, that if it's always me the day will come that I'll stop, so be it was his reply, he's happy. Even when I did initiate it I ended up doing all the work with very little gain so over time I decided it wasn't worth the effort. He'd long since given up but didn't seem affected by this.

His attitude in conversation was from a straight view point, never homophobic or a gay sympathiser. There were things I had to pull him up on like, he'd stand back in an elevator and let other women in or out and walk out in front of me, he'd often walk ahead of me, never waiting for me, as if in his own world. I did tell him he needed to be the one to show our son some gentlemanly manners etc and of course he'd apologise, he hadn't noticed! He'd comment on how well others looked at weddings etc and then commenting on how I looked would be an afterthought, I always felt like an afterthought, he couldn't remember what I'd said 10 minutes ago but could remember all literature from his school and college days. Stuff like that! I always made allowances for him though, saying he's a good man, lacking in social skills perhaps. He's a very logical man, always instilled in his kids to do the right thing, stand over your actions, have a good work ethic. He came across as forthright, honourable, trustworthy, my mother thought he was the perfect son in law!

Roll on to Oct '15, 28 1/2 years married, almost 32 since we'd first met and the family are reared, all had moved on with their own lives,,,,,,,,,,empty nest. My STBX and my son went on an overnight sports trip, our team lost and they were down spirited on their return, I collected them from the airport and dropped our son off at his apartment. The following weekend I headed out of town to a family funeral and returned to be ushered into the house and told to sit down there was something to tell me and I'd be devastated! He just said "I'm gay", my instinct was to laugh as I tend to do in nervous moments and then I said it all makes so much sense now! The penny dropped, my eyes had been opened.

What had happened while they were away was my son had seen him texting someone and he'd noted the chat screen was an unusual colour. The next day during the game my STBX accidentally opened Grindr on his phone, while sitting beside our son, he spotted this and as he has gay friends knew immediately what it was and realised what he'd seen the previous night. Well my STBX dropped the phone, fumbled and looked sheepish BUT went on to open it again a number of times more so there was no way my son could not have seen it. Nothing was said between them about it but my son contacted one of his sisters after I'd dropped him off the previous weekend and she was laughing at him, at the absurdity of it, told him he was stupid, no way was dad gay. They decided he'd watch their dad like a hawk the following weekend and get his phone pin and check it again. He did and confirmed to her it was there. In the meantime my oldest daughter had travelled to spend the weekend with my other daughter and she told her it looks like their dad is gay. This all happened 24 hrs before I was told! My son confronted his father asking why he has Grindr on his phone, it was denied at first and when my son pushed he was told "why do you think?"! That was it, he was told he wasn't going to be told anymore until he'd spoken to me. While I was being told all three were on Face Time together waiting to hear my reaction, so within 10mins of being told I’d shifted into Mom mode and was talking to them and reassuring them all will be ok, STBX had scurried off for a walk unable to face his daughters!

My STBX had let our son sweat it out for the week, tortured at what he'd seen, trying to get his head around it and make sense of it, all while in the fourth week of a new job. It never crossed my STBX's mind to come clean to me and spare his son, he basically waited to see if his son had more balls than himself, which he proved he did. He suspected our son had seen it but decided not to do the right thing and wait it out! So I've since been told he had his first homosexual experience back in '91, two years before our youngest was born, it resulted in him needing an AIDS test, it was on a gay section of a beach! He went on to go to sex shops, apparently he got blow jobs in a room at the back. He went to gay saunas, cinemas and similar over the years. He turned to Grindr then when it came out (excuse the pun!). There was never a relationship, just a depraved seedy life. When I asked him how he could do that to me, his answer was "NO ONE COULD KNOW", you can't get more self serving or selfish than that, it was all about him, I didn't feature at all.

He has admitted to me once that he put me last, he can't think about what he did to me, A man has emerged that I've no idea who he is, he's full of vitriol and venom, I can say nothing right, sure what did I expect to happen. This marriage wasn't working anyway as I was so judgemental, so critical, I was playing the game too! It's as much my fault as it is his, he's the real victim here! His mother has done nothing but justify, condone and defend him telling me my biggest issue with it all is I think I'm perfect! Mr Narcissist has reared his head way above the parapet and it's shocking to witness. The relationships within the family are extremely strained, two see the wrong he's done, they're the two who've actually stayed in the family home since he was outed and have witnessed how he talks about and treats me, the third is all about daddy, he can do no wrong so of course the other two have issues with this. She's told me that she knows no matter what happens I'll always be there and she's right of course, she knows I won't go anywhere (basically no matter how she treats me I'll still be MOM) but she feels he could drift off into the abyss and she feels he needs someone on his side and it has to be her. I don't think there should be sides but he has to man up and face what he's done, accept ownership which he's not prepared to do. She's reluctant to acknowledge any of the wrongdoing saying sure you weren't happy anyway, the reason why isn't really important (reluctant to address the years of deceit and the present vitriol).

We stayed under the same roof for 6 tough months, most of the time I was victim to his venom. If we had one, possibly two honest conversations where he has owned up to what he's done is as much. In that time it was agreed I could stay in the family home but a suitable house came on the market, and I decided to move. Clearing out of the family home (23 years of 5 people's lives) was left to me, I got it ready to go on the market and then did 99% of the final clear out - and his mother's attitude was sure he cut the grass! 

About 9mths ago I asked him if he realised he's at risk of losing two of our children if he doesn't talk to them properly, he needs to address what he subjected his son to. His attitude was "No I'm not, why would I lose them". Now when they're struggling to come to terms with the new him and his victim attitude he's blaming me, saying my bitterness has turned them against him. It's never his fault. They both struggle to see his viewpoint. I've been to counselling and have explored narcissism in depth and he has lots of the classic traits. He's not a centre of attention guy but the reverse projection (point at my "flaws" to deflect from his own), attack me in defence of himself, incessant blaming, he's the main victim here. It's so frustrating to hear him belittle me and blame me for his short comings. That to me is the hardest of all, where he won't take responsibility, feels justified in what he did, entitled to be derogatory to and about me unashamedly. 

I'm getting there, I honestly believe it'd have been much better had our children been of an age where they were still living under the family roof, we could all have come to terms with it together. I could have had a say in what, how and when they were informed but I was denied that. I feel my life's work (30 years rearing a family) has been blown to pieces, not sure what's capable of being salvaged from the ashes. I'm not heartbroken for the relationship, I'm heartbroken for the broken relationships within the family, among my off spring. I lost myself in the sham, I lost myself in trying to make this work, for the good of the family. I know I've to find a life going forward, not that easy though, I'm 54, no real hobbies or ideas of how to get out meeting people. I do have some wonderful dear friends but they're all in committed relationships etc. I'll have to make a life somehow, some seems exciting to me now but it's still daunting! That's me!

Last edited by Foolme (Mon Mar 13 9:08 am)

Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves

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